Bridesmaid hurting the Bride

RoseHikari

So I recently got engaged and getting married Oct 2014. I excitedly asked my sister to be my MOH and my 3 closest girlfriends to be my bridesmaids soon after the question was popped. I know I probably asked too soon, but to me this was a no brainer since I've been BFFs with two of them since grade school. Well one of the BFFs is getting married this June. While I disagree with the marriage and who she is marrying(contolling fiancee and pressure from family to get married since they have a kid now is not a good mix) but I have always supported her. A little while ago I asked who her bridesmaids were going to be and she selected her sister, a friend, and maybe a cousin. I was very hurt when I heard this.

Now I have no issue with not being picked, far from it actually. I was hurt as who she picked in place of me. Her sister I can totally see her picking...I did, but was the fact that the other two people she selected was a friend she's only known a year and a cousin who she is not very close with. The friend she has picked is also coincidentily one of the only friends she has who likes her fiance.

 I thought our friendship was deeper that she seems to think it is. I am hurt that she'd put someone she just met before friends she's known since grade school and have been through so much together. 

I'm hurt so much that I'm considering unbridesmaiding her. I reserved these positions for my closest friends who are like sisters to me and she seems to have taken that sisterhood and put it behind her fiancee.

Do you think unbridesmaiding her is a good idea? I know it could destory the friendship we have, but at this point with letting her fiancee control her life she is destroying her friendship with the two people who have been there for her through everything. I'm just stuck.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-hurting-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9504429c-90b2-4a1e-824a-80fc5ee398bcPost:c17b03fd-f7fe-4d8a-8837-380b008db341">Bridesmaid hurting the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]So I recently got engaged and getting married Oct 2014. I excitedly asked my sister to be my MOH and my 3 closest girlfriends to be my bridesmaids soon after the question was popped. I know I probably asked too soon, but to me this was a no brainer since I've been BFFs with two of them since grade school. Well one of the BFFs is getting married this June. While I disagree with the marriage and who she is marrying(contolling fiancee and pressure from family to get married since they have a kid now is not a good mix) but I have always supported her. A little while ago I asked who her bridesmaids were going to be and she selected her sister, a friend, and maybe a cousin. I was very hurt when I heard this. Now I have no issue with not being picked, far from it actually. I was hurt as who she picked in place of me. Her sister I can totally see her picking...I did, but was the fact that the other two people she selected was a friend she's only known a year and a cousin who she is not very close with. The friend she has picked is also coincidentily one of the only friends she has who likes her fiance.  I thought our friendship was deeper that she seems to think it is. I am hurt that she'd put someone she just met before friends she's known since grade school and have been through so much together.  I'm hurt so much that I'm considering unbridesmaiding her. I reserved these positions for my closest friends who are like sisters to me and she seems to have taken that sisterhood and put it behind her fiancee. Do you think unbridesmaiding her is a good idea? I know it could destory the friendship we have, but at this point with letting her fiancee control her life she is destroying her friendship with the two people who have been there for her through everything. I'm just stuck.
Posted by RoseHikari[/QUOTE]
Unbridesmaiding is not a word.  What you're talking about is kicking her out, and no, it's not a good idea.  Weddings and wedding parties are not tit for tat.  You pretty much just have to get over it.

AJuliaNJ

You can't unbridesmaid her without ruining your friendship. I can tell you really don't approve of her fiance. Have you made that obvious to her? That could be a factor. Perhaps if you just tell her how you feel she'll explain why she made the selections she did.

Wife Kitty

You know the part of the wedding service when the officiant says, "If there is anyone present who knows of good reason why A and B should not be married, then speak now or forever hold your peace"?

I hate that part. My fiance and I are not having that said. Quite a few couples nowadays are omitting that from their program, for the simple reason that they want their wedding day to be one of celebration and support. They hope and assume that anyone who does have something against their union will either be respectful enough to keep it to themselves, or wouldn't even be at the wedding in the first place.

So in some fairness to your friend, I'm thinking that she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid because she knows you're not in support of her relationship. Of course she values your friendship and she probably wants you to still be there as a guest... but if I were her, I wouldn't feel very good if I knew that one of my bridesmaids, standing right up there next to me, was thinking of what a big mistake I was making all the way through the wedding ceremony.

Also, if your friendship really does go as deeply as you say it does, then please think of that before "unbridesmaiding" her. Keeping in touch with her, judgment-free, as she plans this next step in her life will be important.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-hurting-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9504429c-90b2-4a1e-824a-80fc5ee398bcPost:ee28bc8b-138a-4e23-8f97-320a36238dbc">Re: Bridesmaid hurting the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid hurting the Bride : I was thinking most of this.  A bridesmaid stands by your side and supports you when you get married.  You do not support this marriage, so it would be awkward (and borderline inappropriate) for you to be a bridemsiad for her.   Let it go.  And keep her as your bridesmaid if you want to keep her as a friend.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]



This.

Knottie_22382251

Completely agree with what everyone has said. It is understandable for her not to put you in the wedding party if you do not support the relationship. This decision should not ruin the friendship between you two, it is just that you simply do not fit the part of a bridesmaid in this case. Her fianc should come before your sisterhood in this case it is their wedding. But that doesn't mean she doesn't still value you as a friend. Kicking her out of your wedding party would be out of spite.

Peledreamsofrain

In all honesty, being a bride is aweful in some respects because you can't win.  Nobody approves of your decisions, nobody thinks you do things right, and everyone is suuuuuuuuuuuuper hurt by anything and everything you do.  No joke, i hated it while I went through it.  

I personally was extremely hurt by a close friend who picked a girl to be a BM that didn't support her relationship with her FI.  This girl, who had tantrumed at my old friend, caused her to come crying to me about it on many occassion, and had made threats because she didn't like the groom, got to be a bridesmaid.  And I didn't.  It steamed me.

But I never EVER said a word about it.  Not one.  Our friendship dissolved for other reasons (she treated me like complete trash).  However it was not due to the bridesmaid nonsense.

If you kick your friend out, it is public humiliation, and she's likely not to forgive you for it. It's a silly thing to lose a friendship over. And quite frankly, you don't even approve of thier union, why would you want to be one?  Why should she want someone up there disapproving of her on her wedding day?  I know I wouldn't.

MrsMuq

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-hurting-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9504429c-90b2-4a1e-824a-80fc5ee398bcPost:c17b03fd-f7fe-4d8a-8837-380b008db341">Bridesmaid hurting the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]So I recently got engaged and getting married Oct 2014. I excitedly asked my sister to be my MOH and my 3 closest girlfriends to be my bridesmaids soon after the question was popped. I know I probably asked too soon, but to me this was a no brainer since I've been BFFs with two of them since grade school. Well one of the BFFs is getting married this June. While I disagree with the marriage and who she is marrying(contolling fiancee and pressure from family to get married since they have a kid now is not a good mix) but I have always supported her. A little while ago I asked who her bridesmaids were going to be and she selected her sister, a friend, and maybe a cousin. I was very hurt when I heard this. Now I have no issue with not being picked, far from it actually. I was hurt as who she picked in place of me. Her sister I can totally see her picking...I did, but was the fact that the other two people she selected was a friend she's only known a year and a cousin who she is not very close with. The friend she has picked is also coincidentily one of the only friends she has who likes her fiance.  I thought our friendship was deeper that she seems to think it is. I am hurt that she'd put someone she just met before friends she's known since grade school and have been through so much together.  I'm hurt so much that I'm considering unbridesmaiding her. I reserved these positions for my closest friends who are like sisters to me and she seems to have taken that sisterhood and put it behind her fiancee. Do you think unbridesmaiding her is a good idea? I know it could destory the friendship we have, but at this point with letting her fiancee control her life she is destroying her friendship with the two people who have been there for her through everything. I'm just stuck.
Posted by RoseHikari[/QUOTE]

You really expected her to pick you to be in her bridal party when you've spoken out agianst the union? Would you want a friend standing up for you at your own wedding if she disapproved of the union/your fiance? Probably not.

And if you "unbridesmaid" her, you'll be losing your friend. Forever.

aurianna

She picked family and someone who gets along with her fiance (someone she'll probably have to spend a few hours with on the wedding day).

Bridal parties aren't tit for tat. People have different reasons for selecting who they select.

Anecdote:
I have three very good high school friends and three very good college friends. And some work friends.
Our wedding was only 100 people. Hubby and I wanted to keep things quasi-intimate, so I asked one college friend, one high school friend and my best work friend.
Does that mean I didn't still love my two other high school friends? Or that I didn't love my two other college friends? Not at all.

And one of my bridesmaids didn't ask me to be in her wedding, but I get that because she chose differently from different circles.

And then after the fact, a high school friend I didn't ask still asked me to be in her wedding, because she understood.


She chose family and someone in a different circle that had a better relationship with her intended.
Be disappointed, sure.
But if you're willing to kick her out of your party because your feelers are hurt, then it isn't her side that the friendship is weak on; it's yours.

crysspears

I went through the same exact thing! Mybest friend from college got engaged to a guy that controls every part of her life.. down to what they eat.. she totally submits to him and it was disgusting to be apart of. We were both bridesmaids in eachothers wedding. Well something happened between me and her fi that was his fault but I won't get into it, and he threatened her and my friendship if I didn't apologize to him. If she couldn't stick up for our friendship I couldny stand by her.. and now were just not friends.. So what I'm trying to say is u have to decide what's more important.. if u can't support her, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Knottie_22382452

She knows you are there for her which is what matters. In regards to the not being a BM: for lack of a better word it sucks BUT your friendship should be more then just about the wedding. If you ask her to step down there is a high chance you will loose the friendship. She will probably come to you to be her rock when things are getting a lot more stressed during the planning. She does need you. Take a deep breath and evaluate everything. It ultimately comes down to are you ready to loose her as a friend because you are hurt right this moment? Is not being her BM going to affect you so much that you let the relationship dissolve because of it?