Can I omit my cousin from my bridesmaid lineup?

blairblair

I'm really torn on this: my cousin Jen got married a few years ago and I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid - we grew up together and were always really close, so I was surprised and a little hurt when I wasn't asked (or even given an explanation).  I thought maybe it was because I had gone away to college and she thought it would be too hard to coordinate with a far-away bridesmaid - but two of her maids were previous neighbors that she hadn't seen in years and had moved far away themselves!  No one has ever offered an explanation and I've never brought it up because once I got over the initial "seriously, she didn't ask me?" I didn't really care.

Now I'm getting married and I'm on the fence about asking Jen to be a bridesmaid.  I already have six girls I want to ask, with two others on the 'backup list'; one of those girls is my other cousin, Jen's sister.  Leaving her out is not an option.

I realize I could include Jen and just have seven bridesmaids, but I think a 16-person wedding party is overkill.  I don't know how much family drama it would cause, but since her wedding Jen has been diagnosed with clinical depression and I don't want to rock the boat and send her spiraling into an episode or something.  I don't feel vindictive toward her at all - I'm just kind of already maxed out on maids, and we aren't that close any more!  Thoughts?

ElisabethJoanne

Unless you're a very awful person, and you certainly don't sound that way, Jen's mental illness is not your fault or your worry any more than a bodily illness would be. So don't let that factor into your decision. [If she had like, arthritis, wouldn't you not let it affect your decision, though you'd be understanding if it led her to decline or to miss events?]

Next, why she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid is not your worry, either. Maybe it had to do with perceptions about your relationship ("We're not that close anymore") or perceptions about you ("She's too busy with her new job") or she wanted a small party, or who knows? Her perceptions could be real or imagined, true or false, but you can't know what was in her head, and it's rude to ask, so let that go.

So, do you want Jen standing beside you on your wedding day, or do you want her smiling up at you? That's really the only factor you have to consider.

FWIW, I think I'm having a pretty big wedding, at around 150 people, but we're only having 2 attendants on each side.

kmmssg

Your wedding is WAY too far out to be asking anyone to be in your wedding.  I would wait til the holidays since you aren't getting married til Fall 2013.

As far as asking her or not - ask her based on relationship and do you want her in the BP, do not ask because she is depressed and you are worried about how she will feel about it.

Please please please go thru this board and the wedding party board and look at how many brides want to fire a BM because they have "grown apart".

zitiqueen

A back-up list?

steffenfam

I agree with the others.  PLEASE WAIT.  Next year at this time you will be much clearer on who you REALLY want standing up with you (and it might not be 7).  Heck, even your wedding ideas can change in that long of a time.

Meghannsix

Yes, please explain what a back up list is?