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BM and Groomsman Problem

Re: BM and Groomsman Problem

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    FFS, you knew from the start that they don't get along and yet you tried to manipulate them into being friendly.  You need to back off and quit trying to force them to get along.  They don't.  That's all you need to know.  You deliberately put them together for walking, both because of their height and because you wanted them to get along better.  You donated to his cause in her name.  I'd be pissed too if I were your friend and you were trying to manipulate me in this way.  Have you apologized to her?

    Your FI is out of line.  He has no business dictating who is in your wedding party. 

    Quit asking if she still wants to be in your wedding party.  There's a reason it comes across as you wanting to kick her out.  Tell your FI that who is in your WP is your business.  Work on your friendship with your friend and apologize sincerely for trying to manipulate her feelings towards the groomsman.  It sounds like you really need to work on your friendship, not worry about the wedding.  Unless you want to end the friendship altogether you cannot kick her out of your wedding. 



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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-refusing-to-walk-with-disabled-groomsman-now-my-fh-wants-me-to-kick-her-out-of-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96d20c08-401f-4c8b-a7eb-32ed12a8d6a5Post:48058b22-708a-4400-9259-a83a137a4ef4">BM Refusing To Walk With Disabled Groomsman- Now My FH Wants Me To Kick Her Out of the Wedding!!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my BMs, who is a friend of mine from HS, has a very strong personality.  She currently lives out of state.  One of my FHs groomsmen (his friend from HS) is disabled--- he has one leg and a chronic illness and lives near us.  They have *never* met, but have talked on facebook and he annoyed her and some "harsh words" were exchanged (like her calling him the d- word and saying that if they ever met 'he was going sideways').  The groomsman took it very well, and I ignored it as well.  The groomsman has been picked on his whole life for being one-legged and does not like to be "babied" or have people "come to his aid" when he is faced with a bully, so I left it alone.  This all happened before my FH and I were engaged.   Once we got engaged and decided both would be in our wedding party, I decided that I wanted them to walk together because 1.) they are both the shortest in the wedding party--- she's the only one shorter than him---- and 2.) they have never met and I thought it would be a good way to get them to "play nice"... they're both our friends so why not??  Well, I COMPLETELY misjudged how she would react to the situation (although the groomsman thought this was a great idea).  I told her this, and she became somewhat hostile about the idea and suggested that she walk with my brother.  I figured it was no big deal and would come around eventually.  Then, a few weeks later, the groomsman was having a fundraiser for a major surgery, and I donated $100 to the cause in her name (again, as an effort to convince the two of them to "play nice").   Again, BIG misjudgment on how she would react--- A few hours after I did that, I received a series of abusive text messages from her.  She accused me of "picking on her" and accused me of trying to "humilate" her at my wedding by making her walk with him.  Why would I do this????  I wouldn't have the groomsman in the wedding at all if I felt like his being there would "humiliate" anyone!!!!  I told her this and said he was a good friend and I really thought they'd get along once they met.  Some other things that were said were "just because you are getting married doesn't give you the right to treat people you've known for a decade like S---  F--- OFF" etc.  I was shocked that this happened but, again, ignored it.  She apologized a few weeks later and said she was stressed with school, boy problems, etc. and that she loved me and would "do what I want".  But, again, she said she really wants to walk with my brother because she does not like this particular groomsman.   Since that incident (which was about 3 months ago), about 1/2 of our conversations have been civil, and the other 1/2 either hostile or passive-aggressive (not about the walking situation-- which i have not discussed since-- but about other things).  .... For example, my FH and I were in the town she was in last month and I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up for dinner or drinks--- her response was "WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME AT 10.30 AM ON A SATURDAY".  A few hours later, we texted and I said "my fiance is in town and he really wants to meet you!!" and her response was "Ok, but if you refer to him as your 'fiance' again I'm going to stop talking to you."  Similar absuive conversations happened pretty regularly over the past few months.  I am a huge wuss and have always been, and have been brushing off this behavior for over a decade (although it has never been as bad as it has been over the past few months).  If it was just me, I would just keep pretending like nothing was happening, but now I have my FH to think about.  He has told me numerous times that she needs to get kicked out of the wedding party for everything that has happened.  He is worried that she will say something horrible to his groomsman or do something else to ruin the day because she has been acting so mean.  Most everyone I've spoken to about it (other bridesmaids) agree, except the one who is her closest friend.  She told me that I really need to see the situation from her POV, in that the day is very important to her and she will feel "humiliated" if she walks with this one guy--- this other BM said she would walk with him, which I'm totally fine with as a solution if this is non-negotiable.  Luckily, the diasbled groomsman is being very gracious and thinks its "funny" that she "hates him" for "no reason".  Some people (like my parents) think that maybe if I invite this bridesmaid's mom to the wedding, and let her walk with my brother, that she will calm down, but others think that I should not "negotiate" with her in this way.  Especailly my FH.  FH is also worried that she is jealous, spiteful, and maybe doesn't even like me at all.  The other week, I posted a facebook status about my honeymoon, being excited, and she made a comment about the weather at that time of the year being bad (it really isnt).  My FH replied "Wow- look at you again, making negative comments out of jealousy.  We are going to have a great time."  I deleted both of their comments and I don't know if she ever read what he wrote.  FH has said that if one more "incident" happens and I don't have the "balls" (or whatever) to cut her out of the wedding party, he will do it himself.   She is the MOH in 2 other weddings this spring, and I have told her NUMEROUS times that if she doesn't want to be in the wedding, it would not be a problem and I can have a smaller wedding party and I would not mind at all.  When I offered this, she accused me of "trying to make her quit" which I said was not the intention, I just wanted to let her know that if she didn't want the hassle, I would be more than happy to invite her as a guest.  She will say she loves me and will do whatever I want, but then her actions speak otherwise.  I feel like this is such a horrible situation and I have no idea how to handle it.  I'm thinking that if one more "abusive" conversation happens that I really have no choice but to cut this girl not only out of the wedding party but out of my life completely.  Either way, if it happens again, I cannot tell my FH about any future abusive conversations because I know he will freak out on her.  Me and this girl have known each other since we were 13... PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
    Posted by BrookeLee2012[/QUOTE]



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    I replied over at your other thread, but I wanted to second something Viczaesar said about asking her if she still wants to be in the bridal party. I agree, if you keep asking her over and over again like that, she's going to think you're hinting to her that you don't want her to be in the party.
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    You have single handedly created this situation.  YOU are the reason it is out of control.  

    YOU tried to manipulate their situation by making them walk together for the shallow reason of heigh

    YOU donated money in her name to a fundraiser, which WAS incredibly passive aggressive

    YOU knew there was trouble between them in the past

    YOU are forcing a situation trying to get her to "play nice"

    YOU are gossiping about this to others - your bridal party, the groomsman, your mom, etc.  NO ONE else should have part of this debacle.

    YOU are treating HER like crap by continuing to press this issue when you could have diffused the situation by having her walk with someone else.  Oh, wait - they have to walk together because of something so incredibly important as how tall they both are.

    Want to deal with the person at fault here?  Check the mirror.
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    I didn't read the whole post, but the beginning of it sounded like you created the situation. Don't make your friend feel uncomfortable, don't make her walk with him, it's as simple as that.
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    Thank you all for your comments--- they were extremely helpful and a completely different perspective from what I've heard from everyone else. I have deleted the original post because I got enough feedback and didn't think there was any need to have this situation up on the board permanently.
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    That's fine.  I understand that I've been quoted and would not have posted the situation on the internet if I didn't want to get quoted.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-refusing-to-walk-with-disabled-groomsman-now-my-fh-wants-me-to-kick-her-out-of-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:96d20c08-401f-4c8b-a7eb-32ed12a8d6a5Post:856bb8d1-3ae2-43a9-a9fc-3a7c68466c09">Re: Post Deleted</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's fine.  I understand that I've been quoted and would not have posted the situation on the internet if I didn't want to get quoted.
    Posted by BrookeLee2012[/QUOTE]

    So what was the point of DD'ing?
    image


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    I deleted it because I didn't want to draw further attention to my situation since I care about all of the people involved.  But I am very happy I posted it in this forum because I got some great advice that helped me understand that I created the situation.  This was completely different from what I was hearing from others. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read and respond to my post, it has helped me a lot and I understand better that I have been a bad friend and need to talk to her and apologize.  I already decided months ago that they were not walking together because it made her so upset, but it was the residuary anger and tension that I had no clue how to handle.  I am hoping an apology, which is due, will change that.  Thanks again for your help!
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    edited October 2012
    I agree.  The abuse I was referring to were the hurtful things she said out of anger (e.g. F____ off, criticizing the place I chose for my honeymoon publicly on facebook, treatening not to talk to me again, etc.).   I provoked her saying/doing these hurtful things and all were natural expressions of her anger from my provocation. 

    I will also definitely need to have a conversation with my fiance about how he may not dictate my friendships.  He has a very strong "protector" instinct and I think he thinks I cannot "manage" cruel behavior on my own since I explained in my original post, I am kind of a "wuss".  This is a pattern with other people too, not just her--- for example, I have continued to be respectful to StageManager throughout this conversation even though her tone towards me has been condescending and she has resorted to name-callling (e.g. princess).  So, much of the time I don't stand up for myself, and I appreciate my FI for recognizing that.  But I think its different when I was the one who was insensitive to my BM and provoked her cruel behavior (even though I didn't intend to). 

    When I said that deleted it bc I cared about the people involved, I meant that I don't like the idea of other people making accusations or drawing conclusions about either her OR him based on the version of the story I told.  This was necessary for a few people to give advice, and I've received enough and know exactly how to proceed (apologizing to her and having a serious discussion with her about our friendship and my FI about boundary-crossing)--- so I don't want more people to continue to rehash the situation.

    Thanks again for your input, this has been extremely helpful.  I think the best thing about these boards is that brides are often in a "yes man" position from their FIs, BMs, etc. and it helps for us to get a "reality check" to see when we are being selfish or unreasonable.
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    I would say don't make HIM suffer by making HIM walk with her.   You should not have donated anything in her name unless she was dead.  As in donate to america lung instead of flowers.
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