What to do?

TabithaDe30

My mom is being overly pushy lately. I have been engaged for about 4 months and have been really busy so haven't put to much into planning the wedding. My mom calls me crying saying that I am leaving her out of the wedding planning process. I haven't panned anything yet....

She tells me that I have to invite her boyfriend that she has been with for like 20 years I hate him and don't want him at my wedding. I have avoided him since I graduated highschool.

She has had some medical issues so she is unable to help pay for any part of the wedding which is not important to me because me and FH are paying for it all by ourselves. So she really has no say to who is invited right?

mellimel19

In general, because you and your FI are paying for the wedding yourselves, you get complete control over the guest list. That said, proper etiquette states that a couple is a social unit and must be invited together. So according to proper etiquette, you need to invite your mother's boyfriend. And are you really willing to deal with the hurt feelings and possible drama that might result from excluding your mom's bf? You'll be so busy on that day you probably won't even notice he's there.

Maggie0829

Yes, since you are paying you do control the guest list; HOWEVER, it is extremely poor etiquette to invite only half of a couple, espeically one that has been together for as long as they have, just because you don't like them.  To me, doing so, would be highly immature and would cause major drama with your mother.

RaptorSLH

If you are paying, you get to make the decisions. 

BUT - Barring extreme circumstances, you should not exclude one half of a social unit.  If mom gets an invite, so does her boyfriend, unless he's done something truly egregious.  If he was abusive, tried to sleep with you, steals from people, gets violently drunk, etc, you have grounds to exclude him.  A personality conflict alone is not enough.

I'm more willing to write people off then would be proper etiquette, but even I would think twice about excluding my mother's 20 yr boyfriend.

Simply Fated

You didn't give us any reason to not invite him other than you hate him. Why? If it was something serious, SURELY you would have mentioned it in your post. Otherwise, dude, it's her bf of 20 years. He isn't going anywhere and it's just going to hurt your mother.

OliveOilsMom

If your mom isn't paying for the wedding, technically she gets no say in anything. But if she just wants to hear about your plans, when you start them, it isn't a big deal to call her up and say - hey, mom we are doing x, what do you think?  You can take her advice or not.  But let her feel in on the plans if it's so important to her. 

And PP's advice about your mom's bf is right.  He needs to be invited with your mother as a social unit, with the exceptions listed above by Raptor.  And you can always tell your photographer that he will not be included in any family photos.  Just make sure you mention this to mom beforehand, so she doesn't have a meltdown on wedding day when he's not allowed in family photos.

jemmini6

What did your mom's BF do that made you not like him?  Because short of having ever physically harmed you or your mother, there's really no good reason not to invite someone's partner of over 20 years.

As for her being a little intrusive in the planning process, all you can really do is let her know that you haven't really done anything yet and that you will include her as much as you can (see fit) when you do begin planning.

TabithaDe30

Thank you all for your advise. I might think about inviting my moms bf to the wedding.