Moms and Maids

NWR: Controlling FMIL?


Last night FI was on the phone with his mother and she told him that a family friend's daughter had passed away. She then proceded to tell him that we need to send them a sympathy card, then emailed me the same thing with the family friend's address. 
Im a grown woman, I know that one should sent a sympathy card when someone loses someone, but was it really needed to TELL me I need to do this? 
Would this bother anyone else? Im not going to do anything about it, I sent the card ( I would have anyway), just wanted to know how other women would feel about their FMIL telling them what they need to do. 

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Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?

  • Yeah, it's a bit annoying. I would have been irritated for sure. But it's one of those things you just have to let go. I had to temporarily stay with my FMIL at one point and whenever I left the house, she would remind me to lock the door. Grrrr. It was so annoying, especially after being a responsible adult for years on my own. FI said she was just being a "mom" and not to take it personally. One day I responded with, "ok, i'll lock it like I always do" - she got the hint and stopped saying it for the most part.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:67e5e7ea-03e0-4cac-90e0-af99fe59ba6d">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, it's a bit annoying. I would have been irritated for sure. But it's one of those things you just have to let go. I had to temporarily stay with my FMIL at one point and whenever I left the house, she would remind me to lock the door. Grrrr. It was so annoying, especially after being a responsible adult for years on my own. FI said she was just being a "mom" and not to take it personally. One day I responded with, "ok, i'll lock it like I always do" - she got the hint and stopped saying it for the most part.
    Posted by 2012FutureMrsB[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    <div>Yea. I know where your coming from. But its the tip of the iceberg with her lol. When FI and I first decided to move in together, she wrote him a huge email about why we should not move in together then went ahead and listed the issues with our relationship and what was wrong with me. This was about two years ago, but its still hard to get over. I have since moved on but its hard to forget. </div></div><div>
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    Meh, I can see how it would get annoying, but calling her son to mention the passing is 100% normal - the fact that she mentioned the sympathy card to him might have just been her making conversation, or maybe she normally would prod him on those things before you two were together.  And it's very possible that she sent the email for the sole purpose of making sure you had the address.  She then might have included the reminder of the sympathy card in that email in case your FI hadn't mentioned it to you, to prevent you from getting an email with nothing but an address and then being confused.

    Frankly my MIL probably would have just signed our names to the sympathy card she sent - which a long time ago sort of irritated me (hello, capable of doing it myself, thank you) but since then I've realized that she's just trying to be helpful, and it's really not worth stressing over.  Really truly if your worst MIL issue is that she's TOO helpful you probably got off lucky, right?

    ETA: saw your response to PP.  So clearly her being too helpful isn't the real issue; I'm guessing you're letting this get under your skin b/c of your history with her.  If she is still saying sh*t to your FI about you he needs to step up and shut that down, quick.  If he's already done that and her behaviour is improving try to take these little irritations with a grain of salt.  Maybe she's still a b* who is trying to break you up, but maybe she's legit trying and just doesn't know how.  You could always mention to her that you can handle this stuff from now on.  Just make sure you're being the bigger, more polite, person
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:8164da8d-4480-4ad3-8a24-a819b4411c4e">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Meh, I can see how it would get annoying, but calling her son to mention the passing is 100% normal - the fact that she mentioned the sympathy card to him might have just been her making conversation, or maybe she normally would prod him on those things before you two were together.  And it's very possible that she sent the email for the sole purpose of making sure you had the address.  She then might have included the reminder of the sympathy card in that email in case your FI hadn't mentioned it to you, to prevent you from getting an email with nothing but an address and then being confused. <strong>Frankly my MIL probably would have just signed our names to the sympathy card she sent - which a long time ago sort of irritated me (hello, capable of doing it myself, thank you)</strong> but since then I've realized that she's just trying to be helpful, and it's really not worth stressing over.  Really truly if your worst MIL issue is that she's TOO helpful you probably got off lucky, right?
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I totally see that, but its wasnt a mind if you could send them a card? kind of thing, it was a you need to do it. lol </div><div>
    </div><div>signing my name would irritate me too, however my FMIL signs FIs name on card, not mine and we have been together for 7 plus years. This year we sent out xmas cards, we had been engaged for a few months and living together for 1 yr and a half and everyone got two christmas cards from FI, one from us and our dogs, and then the one his mother sent out ALSO had his name on it, which was weird since he no longer lives there and we sent one out. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:7b32a6ad-0fb3-4586-a32a-4c2041623683">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL? : I totally see that, but its wasnt a mind if you could send them a card? kind of thing, it was a you need to do it. lol  signing my name would irritate me too, however my FMIL signs FIs name on card, not mine and we have been together for 7 plus years. This year we sent out xmas cards, we had been engaged for a few months and living together for 1 yr and a half and everyone got two christmas cards from FI, one from us and our dogs, and then the one his mother sent out ALSO had his name on it, which was weird since he no longer lives there and we sent one out. 
    Posted by Briannasteve[/QUOTE]

    Yeah I had to deal with that one too.  MIL would sign H's name on christmas gifts to his niece and nephew; then the two of us would also give them a gift.  H finally had a little chat with her that he appreciated her attempt to include him, but that we were doing our own thing.  Just try to take it one issue at a time and let your FI do the talking (although it may take some behind the scenes coaching, haha)
  • My mom does this all the time. It's irritating, yes, but it's not something I'd need to lose sleep or vent about. I can understand it just being the tip of the iceberg, though, so I'd need more examples of her suckiness to determine just how much she sucks.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:15101cbb-e5e0-4b65-bc81-3000d4ae72e3">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom does this all the time. It's irritating, yes, but it's not something I'd need to lose sleep or vent about. I can understand it just being the tip of the iceberg, though, so I'd need more examples of her suckiness to determine just how much she sucks.
    Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

    <div>I dont want to bash her lol but the worst thing she did was the email about moving in together. For the longest time she treated me like I was temporary, little comments she made. She has told my mother in so many words that she doesnt want us having kids for a while. </div><div>I mean I know what the issue is, FI is her favorite son, which is really not fair to the other boys. She has always treated me like I dont measure up to to be his wife because he is so perfect, and she likes to compete for his attention. </div><div>Since we got engaged it has gotten better, but now she has moved on to not "suggestions" for the wedding but what she "wants" at the wedding. </div><div>The competing for FI's attention i have gotten used to and frankly dont care because I know where I stand in his life, and its his mother, I am never going to "compete" with her, thats stupid and silly. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:e551aec4-4ae1-4dcb-9515-f37b5b035b8b">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL? : Yeah I had to deal with that one too.  MIL would sign H's name on christmas gifts to his niece and nephew; then the two of us would also give them a gift.  H finally had a little chat with her that he appreciated her attempt to include him, but that we were doing our own thing.  <strong>Just try to take it one issue at a time and let your FI do the talking </strong>(although it may take some behind the scenes coaching, haha)
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    <div>FI has talked to her abouth other stuff btu we let the xmas cards slide this year, we might revisit the issue this coming xmas. However when it comes to wedding stuff, I try so hard to keep my mouth shut that I actually had to tell FI i can no longer go to wedding appointments with BOTH our mothers because I might snap lol So now were trying to do appointments on some sort of rotation with the mothers. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:b7a43f03-f41e-49ff-815e-a022e399a2d3">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL? : I dont want to bash her lol but the worst thing she did was the email about moving in together. For the longest time she treated me like I was temporary, little comments she made. She has told my mother in so many words that she doesnt want us having kids for a while.  I mean I know what the issue is, FI is her favorite son, which is really not fair to the other boys. She has always treated me like I dont measure up to to be his wife because he is so perfect, and she likes to compete for his attention.  Since we got engaged it has gotten better, but now she has moved on to not "suggestions" for the wedding but what she "wants" at the wedding.  The competing for FI's attention i have gotten used to and frankly dont care because I know where I stand in his life, and its his mother, I am never going to "compete" with her, thats stupid and silly. 
    Posted by Briannasteve[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Eh, ok. She sucks a little bit. I think I'm just amazed at some of the FMIL stories on here (this one is not one of the worst, either, so be thankful for that), and I'm like "Really?" FI's mom is all sorts of awesome. She's way less crazy than my mom. I'm starting to think I'm in the minority because I actually can't wait to share a last name with this woman.

    </div>
  • edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:44ccb7f8-5323-4395-a105-5f8d78af9c8c">NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Last night FI was on the phone with his mother and she told him that a family friend's daughter had passed away. She then proceded to tell him that we need to send them a sympathy card, then emailed me the same thing with the family friend's address.  Im a grown woman, I know that one should sent a sympathy card when someone loses someone, but was it really needed to TELL me I need to do this?  Would this bother anyone else? Im not going to do anything about it, I sent the card ( I would have anyway), just wanted to know how other women would feel about their FMIL telling them what they need to do. 
    Posted by Briannasteve[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'll be honest, I just see this as her being helpful - I know I certainly don't have the addresses of all (or, really, any) of my FMIL's friends, so it really wouldn't bother me if she sent me an email saying "Hey, you should send a sympathy card, here's the address."  Without more backstory, I can't help but feel like you're reading way, way too much into this.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: So I just read the backstory.  Yeah, she's overbearing, but this particular example just isn't all that offensive, even with the backstory.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:85397c17-87d5-4fc5-bbfe-368ff7800259">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL? : Eh, ok. She sucks a little bit. I think<strong> I'm just amazed at some of the FMIL stories on here (this one is not one of the worst, either, so be thankful for that)</strong>, and I'm like "Really?" FI's mom is all sorts of awesome. She's way less crazy than my mom. I'm starting to think I'm in the minority because I actually can't wait to share a last name with this woman.
    Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

    <div>OMG I KNOW! FMIL has def gotten better, she used to bring me to tears all the time. But now that were gettting married its ALOT easier to let it roll off my shoulders. Feel so bad for some ladies on here. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:5187bdf9-07e8-4747-897d-7352b7cd7ba9">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NWR: Controlling FMIL? : I'll be honest, I just see this as her being helpful - I know I certainly don't have the addresses of all (or, really, any) of my FMIL's friends, so it really wouldn't bother me if she sent me an email saying "Hey, you should send a sympathy card, here's the address."  Without more backstory, I can't help but feel like you're reading way, way too much into this. ETA: So I just read the backstory.  Yeah, she's overbearing, but this particular example just isn't all that offensive, even with the backstory.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    <div>I mean I wasnt thinking "how dare she?" lol but it just bugged me that she feels the need to tell us or me what to do still. If she gave me time I would have asked her for the address myself. Idk. Just bothers me a bit. The xmas cards pissed me off because she knew we were making them. This just irked me a bit. KWIM?</div>
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  • FTR on the Christmas cards - you've gotta know that to everyone who got both SHEs the one that looks silly.  Obviously your FI is a grown man and is going to send out a christmas card with his FI, I think it's pretty clear to the friends and family that his mom was having some trouble letting go
  • Things like this drive me nuts. FMIL has a habit of adding FI and my name to cards on gifts for people and such. I get extremley irritated, how do you think it looks when we show up to XYZ's party with our own gift for them and they open up FMIL's gift that says it's also from us? If  I was XYZ I would think that FI and I are pretty flaky and can't be trusted to get things done. I hate assumptive behavior like that. I would be annoyed.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:9e8c29aa-dbb0-4f25-9a78-0bb897294f7d">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Things like this drive me nuts. FMIL has a habit of adding FI and my name to cards on gifts for people and such. I get extremley irritated, how do you think it looks when we show up to XYZ's party with our own gift for them and they open up FMIL's gift that says it's also from us? If  I was XYZ I would think that FI and I are pretty flaky and can't be trusted to get things done. I hate assumptive behavior like that. I would be annoyed.
    Posted by JNV825[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yea, Thats happened plenty of times before. Now she catches us before the party/holiday and tells us she got a gift for xyz so not to worry about it she will be putting our names on it. lol I hate not being consulted. Makes me feel like im 12. </div>
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  • My MIL did this type of thing until the day she died, when DH and I were into our 50s and we had been married for 30 years. And trust me, she wasn't trying to be helpful -- she was trying to be controlling. The only advice I can offer is to try to laugh it off. Once DH and I learned to do that together it got a lot easier.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nwr-controlling-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ac02daa-98ef-48b8-adb8-7735853f9712Post:096d2227-00b8-4b79-93c8-5876adfe451e">Re: NWR: Controlling FMIL?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MIL did this type<strong> of thing until the day she died,</strong> when DH and I were into our 50s and we had been married for 30 years. And trust me, she wasn't trying to be helpful -- she was trying to be controlling. The only advice I can offer is to try to laugh it off. Once DH and I learned to do that together it got a lot easier.
    Posted by reallymk[/QUOTE]

    <div>OMG. I actually find my self thinking its not like she will be around forever, then I feel like the worst person in the world. I don't understand why th emajority of women have such issues with their MILs. My own FMIL had it the worst with her MIL and said she would never want to treat anyone like that, but then turns around and does a lot of the same stuff to me. I would love to have a great relationship with all of my FILs just because I think thats how it SHOULD be. I wish the mean MIL cycle would end. I just dont get it. If your son is happy, why can't you be happy for him?</div>
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