Moms and Maids

Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?

I have a bridesmaid who is very unreliable.  She actually asked to be in my wedding and I said I would love to have her but could not deal with her not returning calls, not showing up for things and causing me undue stress.  So far, she called me when I was already at the menu tasting to ask if I minded if she did not come, called one hour before my first shower to say she wasn't coming, totally screwing the other two bridesmaids, canceled bridemaid shoe shopping when the other two came in from out of town to go and we had planned the day around her schedule (and were already at the mall), backed out of my girls' nite out, and text me the morning of my other shower to say she couldn't make it.  I know she is under a lot of stress and is tired, which are the reasons she gives, but I feel she could at least have shown up for some of these things if even for a half hour.  My fiance is livid, my family are all hurt and upset as am I, not mention tired of everyone asking where she is, being embarrassed and making excuses.  This is the only thing in all the wedding plans that has brought me to tears...more than once. I have tried calling her to talk but she won't call back for days, and if I miss her call she won't call me again for days.  I do not want to deal with her not showing up on my wedding day and am seriously considering asking her not to come.  My family does not think she will show up and think at this point, with the disrespect she has shown us, I should ask her to step down. It is heartwrenching.  Advice and words of wisdom are needed! Thank you

Re: Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?

  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:635c699e-9a7f-4b2d-a253-c40c021628c7">Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid who is very unreliable.  She actually asked to be in my wedding and I said I would love to have her but could not deal with her not returning calls, not showing up for things and causing me undue stress.  So far, she called me when I was already at the menu tasting to ask if I minded if she did not come, called one hour before my first shower to say she wasn't coming, totally screwing the other two bridesmaids, canceled bridemaid shoe shopping when the other two came in from out of town to go and we had planned the day around her schedule (and were already at the mall), backed out of my girls' nite out, and text me the morning of my other shower to say she couldn't make it.  I know she is under a lot of stress and is tired, which are the reasons she gives, but I feel she could at least have shown up for some of these things if even for a half hour.  My fiance is livid, my family are all hurt and upset as am I, not mention tired of everyone asking where she is, being embarrassed and making excuses.  This is the only thing in all the wedding plans that has brought me to tears...more than once. I have tried calling her to talk but she won't call back for days, and if I miss her call she won't call me again for days.  I do not want to deal with her not showing up on my wedding day and am seriously considering asking her not to come.  My family does not think she will show up and think at this point, with the disrespect she has shown us, I should ask her to step down. It is heartwrenching.  Advice and words of wisdom are needed! Thank you
    Posted by mdomonkos[/QUOTE]

    If you are prepared to end the friendship forever, then have her exit the WP.

    This doesn't seem like something a good friend would do to another, especially when it involves her wedding festivities.  Sorry you are going through this but like I said, if you are truly ready to end the friendship forever, then by all means, kick her out....but try to do it as tastefully as possible.  Don't end up making yourself come off as a bridezilla or anything ;)

     

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:635c699e-9a7f-4b2d-a253-c40c021628c7">Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid who is very unreliable.  She actually asked to be in my wedding and I said I would love to have her but could not deal with her not returning calls, not showing up for things and causing me undue stress.  So far,<strong> she called me when I was already at the menu tasting to ask if I minded if she did not come</strong>,<strong>
    called one hour before my first shower to say she wasn't coming, </strong>totally screwing the other two bridesmaids,<strong>
    canceled bridemaid shoe shopping </strong>when the other two came in from out of town to go and we had planned the day around her schedule (and were already at the mall)<strong>, backed out of my girls' nite out</strong>, <strong>
    and text me the morning of my other shower to say she couldn't make it. </strong> I know she is under a lot of stress and is tired, which are the reasons she gives, but I feel she could at least have shown up for some of these things if even for a half hour.  My fiance is livid, my family are all hurt and upset as am I, not mention tired of everyone asking where she is, being embarrassed and making excuses.  This is the only thing in all the wedding plans that has brought me to tears...more than once. I have tried calling her to talk but she won't call back for days, and if I miss her call she won't call me again for days.  I do not want to deal with her not showing up on my wedding day and am seriously considering asking her not to come.  My family does not think she will show up and think at this point, with the disrespect she has shown us, I should ask her to step down. It is heartwrenching.  Advice and words of wisdom are needed! Thank you
    Posted by mdomonkos[/QUOTE]

    Your bridesmaids should not be<em> required </em>to do any of the things that have been bolded. You should  lower your expectations - alot- so you won't be disappointed when they opt out of a activity that should be optional. Also, if you don't complain about her to your fi and mother, they will probably not resent her.

    The only bridesmaid duties are 1. purchase the agreed upon dress. 2. show up on time and sober for the ceremony and 3. cooperate with the photograper. Anything else is extra.
                       
  • I am still on the fence.  She said yes to all these things on her own, I would understand if she could not make it and let me know ahead of time.  I have tried to be as good of a friend as you can to someone who has become very hard to communicate with. I guess I expect more out of a close friend than just the three things listed above.  It is a tough one.  I tried not not make a big deal of these incidences and made excuses for her to everyone but they are not buying it.

  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    You over-scheduled her.  The shower, I can see you being miffed, but I don't understand how her not being there screwed 2 other bridesmaids, unless she was supposed to bring her contribution and then did not.

    The tasting and shoe shopping trip... really?  The tasting has nothing to do with bridesmaids, and you don't need a separate event to shop for shoes.

    None of this sounds like a reason to kick someone out of a wedding and end a friendship forever.
  • Yeah, she was bringing stuff for the shower and was supposed to help cook and set up.  The shoe shopping was something she wanted to be involved in.  I guess my question is more along the lines of what kind friendship this has evolved into.  Thanks for all the comments, it helps me get more perspective.

  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:eda4e497-7018-4a86-8902-0733c157cf6a">Re: Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>You over-scheduled her.</strong>  The shower, I can see you being miffed, but I don't understand how her not being there screwed 2 other bridesmaids, unless she was supposed to bring her contribution and then did not. The tasting and shoe shopping trip... really?  The tasting has nothing to do with bridesmaids, and you don't need a separate event to shop for shoes. None of this sounds like a reason to kick someone out of a wedding and end a friendship forever.
    Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

    But it seems as if the BM wanted to be part of these things based on what the OP says.

    OP:  It's one thing if you forced these things upon her as she doesn't have to be part of a tasting or shoe-shopping, but if it IS in fact something that she suggested or committed herself to be a part of and then later backed out, I would be irritated too.  It's no different that committing yourself to helping with a backyard bbq or planning a surprise party--if you commit yourself, then you should be expected to come through.

     

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:9bfdfe9c-6150-4a8e-a7dc-d9ca45081a1c">Re: Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Yeah, she was bringing stuff for the shower and was supposed to help cook and set up. </strong>
    Posted by mdomonkos[/QUOTE]

    I agree it was rude of her to not honor the commitment she made to the other two bms to help out with the shower. Whoever told you about it shouldn't have dragged you into the middle of it. Now you will have to decide whether or not it's worth ending your friendship over that, because kicking her out of the wedding party will most likely do that.

    All the other stuff that she missed does not warrant kicking her out-even if she backed out at the last minute. I wonder, has she always been flakey like this?
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:635c699e-9a7f-4b2d-a253-c40c021628c7">Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid who is very unreliable.  She actually asked to be in my wedding and I said I would love to have her but could not deal with her not returning calls, not showing up for things and causing me undue stress.  So far, she called me when I was already at the menu tasting to ask if I minded if she did not come, called one hour before my first shower to say she wasn't coming, totally screwing the other two bridesmaids, canceled bridemaid shoe shopping when the other two came in from out of town to go and we had planned the day around her schedule (and were already at the mall), backed out of my girls' nite out, and text me the morning of my other shower to say she couldn't make it.  I know she is under a lot of stress and is tired, which are the reasons she gives, but I feel she could at least have shown up for some of these things if even for a half hour.  My fiance is livid, my family are all hurt and upset as am I, not mention tired of everyone asking where she is, being embarrassed and making excuses.  This is the only thing in all the wedding plans that has brought me to tears...more than once. I have tried calling her to talk but she won't call back for days, and if I miss her call she won't call me again for days.  I do not want to deal with her not showing up on my wedding day and am seriously considering asking her not to come.  My family does not think she will show up and think at this point, with the disrespect she has shown us, I should ask her to step down. It is heartwrenching.  Advice and words of wisdom are needed! Thank you
    Posted by mdomonkos[/QUOTE]

    Maybe you could offer to take her to lunch and talk to her about what's going on in her life? If she's bailing on so many things, maybe she's stressed or dealing with something you don't know about. You could tell her you've noticed that she's missed some of the  things she seemed interested in being a part of and you wanted to make sure everything is okay.  If phrased correctly, you could offer her an "out" to just attend as a guest and maybe save your friendship. She might not have realised the commitment she was making and has found she's not really able to keep up with it afterall but doesn't know how to tell you. Just my two cents. Hope you get it figured out.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_entire-family-upset-with-bridesmaid-including-meunbridesmaid-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b7dfd9d-0412-4913-a9a6-001f3f99ccacPost:a3b007dc-9ec1-4d6f-8f0d-4bf409add79a">Re: Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Entire family upset with bridesmaid, including me...unbridesmaid her? : Maybe you could offer to take her to lunch and talk to her about what's going on in her life? If she's bailing on so many things, maybe she's stressed or dealing with something you don't know about. You could tell her you've noticed that she's missed some of the  things she seemed interested in being a part of and you wanted to make sure everything is okay.  If phrased correctly, you could offer her an "out" to just attend as a guest and maybe save your friendship. She might not have realised the commitment she was making and has found she's not really able to keep up with it afterall but doesn't know how to tell you. Just my two cents. Hope you get it figured out.
    Posted by GuebaraGirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>THIS. So well put and an excellent idea.</div>
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  • m tullim tulli member
    100 Comments
    I think you should reach out to her.  I have a friend who I was really close to we did everything together.  then she started backing out of stuff and not returning calls.  It's easy to take it personal but I took the time to have a long talk with her, there was other things going on with her.  Depression can really make people pull away.  Or maybe she is having money issues but is ashamed to say something.   Even though we are all adults some people are more sensitive maybe she feels she is losing you do to marriage.  I would reach out maybe do lunch the two of you and leave the wedding at home. 

    I agree don't vent to you FI or family about her because if you two patch things up they will just remember how she upset.

    All that being said if you don't care about the friendship then kick her out.  There is no coming back from that kind of decision though so I would not rush into it.

    Good Luck!
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  • My 2 cents- if she ASKED to be in the wedding, she should have been prepared for the extras that come along with being a BM.  Key word there, being EXTRA, as the PP said- she's really only got to buy the dress, show up sober, and smile.  But it's pretty common knowledge, that if you are in a WP, you understand taking on certain things along the way, or if you agree to something.

    Try to sit down with her and say, "I'm disappointed.  You asked me to be a BM, and I love having you as one.  But you agreed to do X, Y, and Z, and then bailed.  I'm concerned.  What's going on?"

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • I am in the same boat! Good luck, lemme know what you decide!
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