Moms and Maids

MOB issues, need help!

My wedding is 3 months away, and my mother has been incognito for the entire planning until now. I have literally done EVERYTHING on my own up to this point - mainly because she said, "Choose what you want, and your father and I will pay for it." Now, all of a sudden, when it is getting close to check writing time for her, she wants to be picky about what I've selected, and prices of things such as chair covers, food, etc... I understand that she wants to ensure she is not over-paying; however, where the heck was she the last 7 months of planning? I have already booked the caterer, selected/finalized the menu, and she wants me to completely change the caterer to someone else. Seriously?!?

About her sudden penny-pinching frenzy: She recently had her boobs lifted, and is now getting implants in about 3 weeks. This is costing her upwards of $8,000 total  (she told me this only 2 weeks ago). Can someone explain to me why she can afford to get new boobs, yet can't afford to pay for half of a $6,000 wedding? Not to mention she did not pay for a bit of my college (bachelors and masters), and is not helping repay my student loans. Would it be wrong to bring up that she could be paying $40,000 in student loans instead of half of this wedding?

If I haven't mentioned before, she and my Dad are divorced (she had an affair and then ran off with the man half-way across the country only 1 year ago - that is the short version). Throughout the entire engagement, until today, 3 months before the wedding - she mentions to me very casually that her "boyfriend" is attending the wedding with her!!!This completely came out of no-where, and could potentially ruin the entire wedding day, considering my Dad will go nuts when he finds out, and my sister (the MOH) is threatening not to come at all (her boyfriend of 5 years is already not coming, but that is another story for another day). Fellow brides and other MOB's, I must tell you that my family has not once in my entire life acted so trashy.

How in the world do I deal with my Mom in a fashion that will be respectful (even though she's obviously not being respectful of me), yet at the same time tell her she's being selfish. Afterall, she is funding most of the wedding, so I don't want to upset her too bad just yet.

I would elope this weekend, just to be married to my fiance. Yet, so much has already been purchased, paid for, ordered, etc....

What to do? I'm at my wits end today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...

Re: MOB issues, need help!

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-issues-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c0e2609-7460-475e-9ad8-3446521574adPost:c8455143-3fb5-4029-bb58-e1cb6c3923da">MOB issues, need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is 3 months away, and my mother has been incognito for the entire planning until now. I have literally done EVERYTHING on my own up to this point - mainly because she said, "Choose what you want, and your father and I will pay for it." Now, all of a sudden, when it is getting close to check writing time for her, she wants to be picky about what I've selected, and prices of things such as chair covers, food, etc... I understand that she wants to ensure she is not over-paying; however, where the heck was she the last 7 months of planning? I have already booked the caterer, selected/finalized the menu, and she wants me to completely change the caterer to someone else. Seriously?!?
    <strong>This is what happens when you accept money from people, its gets complicated. If your mom refuses to pay for the caterer can you pay for it yourself? If not unfortunately you might just have to suck it up and deal.</strong>
     About her sudden penny-pinching frenzy: She recently had her boobs lifted, and is now getting implants in about 3 weeks. This is costing her upwards of $8,000 total  (she told me this only 2 weeks ago). Can someone explain to me why she can afford to get new boobs, yet can't afford to pay for half of a $6,000 wedding? Not to mention she did not pay for a bit of my college (bachelors and masters), and is not helping repay my student loans. Would it be wrong to bring up that she could be paying $40,000 in student loans instead of half of this wedding?
    <strong>Your mother is not obligated to pay for ANY of those things.You sound like a spoiled brat. There are plenty of brides who pay for their wedding all on their own and paid for school. Stop your whining and get over it. She can spend HER money one whatever SHE wants because its her money.</strong>
    If I haven't mentioned before, she and my Dad are divorced (she had an affair and then ran off with the man half-way across the country only 1 year ago - that is the short version). Throughout the entire engagement, until today, 3 months before the wedding - she mentions to me very casually that her "boyfriend" is attending the wedding with her!!!This completely came out of no-where, and could potentially ruin the entire wedding day, considering my Dad will go nuts when he finds out,
    <span style="font-weight:bold;">You will need to sit down and talk with her about that. But really can't your parents act like adults for just one day? If she insists on bringing her boyfriend just warn your dad beforehand. I'm sure a grown man can handle it.</span>
    and my sister (the MOH) is threatening not to come at all (her boyfriend of 5 years is already not coming, but that is another story for another day). Fellow brides and other MOB's, I must tell you that my family has not once in my entire life acted so trashy. How in the world do I deal with my Mom in a fashion that will be respectful (even though she's obviously not being respectful of me), yet at the same time tell her she's being selfish. Afterall, she is funding most of the wedding, so I don't want to upset her too bad just yet.
    <span style="font-weight:bold;">This makes it sound like you are using your mom for her money. The most you can do is sit down with her and discuss CALMLY with her your concerns.</span>
    I would elope this weekend, just to be married to my fiance. Yet, so much has already been purchased, paid for, ordered, etc.... What to do? I'm at my wits end today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...
    Posted by mchuey[/QUOTE]


  • edited December 2011
    Its her money and she can spend like she wants. You should've talked money specifics from the beginning, not "pick what you want and we'll pay." I talked specifics with my father. It was uncomfortable but at least when I was planning I knew what I could afford. 

    Don't be a brat. She didn't need to pay for anything once you turned 18. Don't bring up student loans...not her problem.

    If she wants to bring her BF all you can do is warn your father and keep them seperated.

    Maybe you're going to have to be the adult in this situation.
  • edited December 2011
    There are so many things wrong with this post, I hardly know where to start.

    Methinks someone is harboring a bit of pent up anger that mommy and daddy didn't pay for college, among other things. Your parents are grown up and can spend the money that THEY earned however THEY see fit. You don't get to decide what they do with THEIR money, even if you don't agree with it. Sorry hun.

    As far as mom's bf, talk to her about it and see if they is any way she would reconsider to keep the peace with your dad. Talk to your dad and see if he can ignore him for one day to make peace on your wedding day.

    And please tell me that you didn't purposely not invite your sister's bf. A five year relationship is serious, even if you don't want it to be.

    My advice on how to handle all of this is to stop being selfish yourself, take a step back and a good hard look in the mirror and see who is being unreasonable here. I think you might be surprised to find that it is you.
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  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, age and maturity do not always go hand in hand.  It sounds like she is having a lengthy mid-life crisis and your family got the short end. 

    If you have deposits, you can explain that by changing, she will lose them.  That may help.  But, at the end of the day, unless y'all signed a contract, you can't make her pay.  If you want what you want, you'll need to tell her that... and pay for it yourself.

    Finally, I need to say this last with a caring spirit.  I know that you are upset, but you need to be careful, if you talk to her, how you put things.  The way you vented here...it will be way too easy to slap you with a bridezilla label and dismiss you. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I hope you got that out of your system. First off, mom is not obligated to pay for college or your wedding, so please don't approach her that way. If she wants to put all her money into her boobs, well, it's her money. Nothing you can do about it.

    I think it was unfair of your mom to let you think you were basically being given a blank check for your wedding. You should have discussed specifics with her, but that ship has sailed. Since you are depending on her to help you out with the wedding, you are going to have to go over an itemized budget with her. Show her any contracts you have signed, so she understands there are some things you can't change. I'm sure you have some things that can be cut, so have a list of those handy. If you want your mom's money, you are going to have to work with her.

    As far as Mom's date goes, I'm taking your side on this one. That hurt is far too recent for her to show up with him. He is not part of the family, and they are not engaged or married. Let mom know that he is not invited. It shouldn't be too hard for her to figure out why. If she withdraws her financial support because of it, you should pay for whatever you can afford.

    Good luck to you. Just remember to talk to your mom in a calm, civil way. And it wouldn't hurt to tell her you love her.
                       
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-issues-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c0e2609-7460-475e-9ad8-3446521574adPost:c8455143-3fb5-4029-bb58-e1cb6c3923da">MOB issues, need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is 3 months away, and my mother has been incognito for the entire planning until now. I have literally done EVERYTHING on my own up to this point - mainly because she said, "Choose what you want, and your father and I will pay for it." Now, all of a sudden, when it is getting close to check writing time for her, she wants to be picky about what I've selected, and prices of things such as chair covers, food, etc... I understand that she wants to ensure she is not over-paying; however, where the heck was she the last 7 months of planning? I have already booked the caterer, selected/finalized the menu, and she wants me to completely change the caterer to someone else. Seriously?!? About her sudden penny-pinching frenzy: She recently had her boobs lifted, and is now getting implants in about 3 weeks. This is costing her upwards of $8,000 total  (she told me this only 2 weeks ago). Can someone explain to me why she can afford to get new boobs, yet can't afford to pay for half of a $6,000 wedding? Not to mention she did not pay for a bit of my college (bachelors and masters), and is not helping repay my student loans. Would it be wrong to bring up that she could be paying $40,000 in student loans instead of half of this wedding? <strong>If I haven't mentioned before, she and my Dad are divorced</strong> (she had an affair and then ran off with the man half-way across the country only 1 year ago - that is the short version). Throughout the entire engagement, until today, 3 months before the wedding - she mentions to me very casually that her "boyfriend" is attending the wedding with her!!!This completely came out of no-where, and could potentially ruin the entire wedding day, considering my Dad will go nuts when he finds out, and my sister (the MOH) is threatening not to come at all (her boyfriend of 5 years is already not coming, but that is another story for another day). Fellow brides and other MOB's, I must tell you that my family has not once in my entire life acted so trashy. How in the world do I deal with my Mom in a fashion that will be respectful (even though she's obviously not being respectful of me), yet at the same time tell her she's being selfish. Afterall, she is funding most of the wedding, so I don't want to upset her too bad just yet. I would elope this weekend, just to be married to my fiance. Yet, so much has already been purchased, paid for, ordered, etc.... What to do? I'm at my wits end today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better...
    Posted by mchuey[/QUOTE]

    You seriously don't know whether or not you mentioned that in your <em>one</em> post here on The Knot?
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh sweetie.  I hope you've never ever said any of this out loud to anyone, because it sounds like you think your momshould be your own personal ATM machine.

    You mom didn't owe you a bachelor's degree or a master's degree.  She doesn't owe you a wedding-or even half a wedding.  It would have been lovely if she had been able to help, but she wasn't or wouldn't.

    She raised you to the age of 18.  She gave you the tools to be where you now are.  Is it very sad that she's had some sort of mid-life thing?  Yep. It is.

    But in fairness to her, children often don't really know the insides of their parents' marriage.  Clearly something was missing for her.  I am not in any way, ever, condoning what she did.  Just pointing out that people who are in a happy marriage don't suddenly just abandon their families and take off.

    So............go to her.  And being respectful say "Mom, I'm sorry there seems to have been a misunderstanding and I'd like to fix it.  I put deposits down for our wedding based on an earlier conversation that we had.  I'd like to keep the vendors we've hired.  How can we make this work?"

    As for what she's spending her money on now?  None. of. your. business.  Her money.  She decides how to spend it.  Sorry if that sounds harsh.  But it is, as they say, what it is.

    As for her boyfriend?  I can't answer that, because I don't know your family dynamic.  But I think you, your mom, and your dad need to have a conversation about that now.

    And again, never, ever, ever say out loud what you said here.  And particularly don't say it to your mom.  That's just not going to make anything better.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    It is time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it.

    My parents didn't pay for my school, and neither did my FI's parents. Sure, I have $25k in loans, but you don't see me whining about my parents not contributing. 

    You are very lucky that they are paying anything for your wedding, a lot of people don't even have this luxury. So what if she is buying new boobs? She is allowed to, it is her money and she earned them.

    Do you really want this to ruin your relationship with your mother?
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  • edited December 2011
    From an outside, completely unobjective source, I would have to agree with PPs. You do sound a little selfish because your mother is spending everything she has on her and now being picky about the wedding.

    Now, as someone who aslo has a ton of student loans and has recieved little to no help with education (unfortunately that's where the comparison ends- my mom's helping a lot with the wedding), I would have to say you are completely justified in being upset! Parents are expected by the federal goverment to help out with paying for schooling. If she had helped you out with that, then maybe you wouldn't be needing as much help paying for the wedding.

    It sounds to me like your mother might need to grow up and re-prioritize. Family is more important than ANY type of cosmetic surgery. It's not necessary. Family is.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-issues-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c0e2609-7460-475e-9ad8-3446521574adPost:3d6a7a2c-4b6e-47e7-b67e-a3bd6ee0da8e">Re: MOB issues, need help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]From an outside, completely unobjective source, I would have to agree with PPs. You do sound a little selfish because your mother is spending everything she has on her and now being picky about the wedding. Now, as someone who aslo has a ton of student loans and has recieved little to no help with education (unfortunately that's where the comparison ends- my mom's helping a lot with the wedding), I would have to say you are completely justified in being upset! Parents are expected by the federal goverment to help out with paying for schooling. If she had helped you out with that, then maybe you wouldn't be needing as much help paying for the wedding. It sounds to me like your mother might need to grow up and re-prioritize. Family is more important than ANY type of cosmetic surgery. It's not necessary. Family is.
    Posted by princesspgd[/QUOTE]
    Umm, weddings aren't necessary either.  All that's necessary is whatever fee the courthouse requires.  Anything beyond that is just as cosmetic as OP's mother's boobs.
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited December 2011
    I know this is gonna sound a little catty but...if weddings aren't at least a little necessary, what are we all doing here?
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It's not necessary for people to play World of Warcraft all day, but there are forums and all sorts of outlying businesses dedicated to the game.  The existence of a community around something does not indicate that said endeavor is a necessary part of life.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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