Not sure what to do...

Annas2013

So my mom has basically been no help whatsoever.  Yes, my parents are paying for part of the wedding.  I'm trying to plan something small and do it so that it saves money.  But there are things she's doing/saying that don't make sense.  

I said I didn't want kids at the wedding and last week she was fine with it.  This morning, she chews me out over the phone saying that not having kids is rude to people and offensive.  Another great example is I found a place about 45 minutes away for the ceremony and reception that is like $2300 but includes the rental, chairs, tables, linens, a dj, and a cash bar.  She won't even consider it because she doesn't want to go outside of my hometown.  Then she gets mad when I find something nice in town but it's $4,000 all inclusive basically.  

The other big issue is the dress.  She went shopping with me and we found a dress that she liked and I liked.  Only problem was it was twice what I wanted to spend, not including alterations.  I ended up getting the dress when she said she'd help pay for it.  She hasn't helped at all and it's draining my savings paying for it.  

I really have no idea what to do here.  My dad is basically okay with whatever I want to do because I'm trying to do it cheaply.  I even mentioned getting a small cake to cut and a sheet cake to serve everyone with to save money but my mom said no.  She said that I would have a 3 tiered cake that would be ivory to match my dress, made by the baker she likes.  

em01092

I'm sorry you're facing this, but sadly, it is what you have to accept since she is paying for it. I personally think it's wrong for mothers to do things like this, but it's her money, so she gets a say on how it is spent.  Try to compromise with her about these things.

The only other thing you can do is refuse her assistance, which doesn't even seem that solid in some respects, and pay for the wedding yourself along with your FI. If she is not paying, she gets less of a say.

Also, never rely on promised money 100% until you have it in hand. SO many brides come here telling us about their problems when someone said they would contribute X and never followed through. 

LoveMuffins

I agree with PP, it seems like your mom is unreliable about the money she's agreed to pay and she's trying to use her offer of money to have things the way she wants them.

At this point you'd probably be best just graciously thanking her for the offer of money/help but tell her that you and FI have decided to finance the wedding yourselves, and then go ahead and plan the wedding that YOU two want.

Maggie0829

Unless you have the actual money in hand do not rely on it.

If your parents do want to help pay for a portion of your wedding, then designate that money to a specific area (like food, bar, invitations, etc).  This way the area that has been designated is the only part that they have a say in.

heatherrenee527

I agree that money can come with strings attached. I would sit down and have a talk with her over your frustrations. Don't attack her just address your concerns. Explain to her that it's your wedding so you and FI want to be the decision makers. If she's not okay with your terms, then don't take the money. I think some moms can get carried away in living out a dream they have for their daughters and therefore fail to really listen to what the bride wants. A good open conversation should do wonders as long as you keep it civil.