...Change of plans...

Dimplz1401

My FH and I grew up in a small town in MO. Recently, we moved to FL so I could finish up my last 16 months of school with intentions of moving back immediately after school was complete and getting married June 2012. Before I moved, I met with multiple venues and set an attentive date with my florist. I had everything I could plan picked out. After months went by living here in FL, my FH has begun to love it here and wanted to get married somewhere like Key West. I already have my dress bought and its no beach dress and that's not the type of wedding I have in mind. My family made a big deal about a destination wedding because they would be unable to attend due to financial reasons, and my mom was extremely upset. 

The other morning, I woke up from a magical dream! We got married in a historic private castle in Germany. It was something we both wanted and absolutely stunning....soooo I started searching! My FH LOVES the idea and we have decided to get married in a castle overlooking the Mediterranean Sea in Amalfi Coast Italy. 

Now, how do I break it to my mom who has been looking forward to her only daughters traditional wedding back home with all of our friends and family? I love my mom dearly and we are extremely close, I just don't know how to tell her the news. I want her to be happy for us and I understand that a lot of people may not be able to attend but this is a once in a lifetime experience and I want to do what my FH and I want! 

Any advice or suggestions with minimal hurt feelings...

misscyndikalene

Im pretty sure you meant "minimal hurt feelings", but I dont see how thats possible. If you want to have a DW, you have to prepare for people to be hurt and upset. Your idea sounds amazing and romantic but realistically, how many people do you think you can expect to pay that much to witness it? Do you have enough money to pay for your parents and his parents to go with you to witness? Its all about priorities here. Which is more important to you... having an extremely intimate ceremony in a castle with just you and your fi? Or having a ceremony where all of your friends and family can witness ?

hlq2011

We didn't have a DW because we wanted our friends and family to be able to come.  That was more important to us than having a wedding on a beach somewhere.  It sounds to me like the setting is more important to you than having your family present.

I'm not knocking you for that; to each their own.  But if your mom has always dreamed of one thing, finding out that you're going in the complete opposite direction is bound to leave some hurt feelings behind.  There's no way around it.

Dimplz1401

We have already had some our closest friends tell us they love the idea and will be able to attend and make it into a vacation. We are looking into booking hotel rooms and paying for half the cost of everyones room to help. It's relatively inexpensive to have the wedding there...it's just traveling cost thats so expensive and we are willing to help with expenses. As of right now, we have 20-30 people in attendance. We want to make this happen and memorable! 

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:81596902-e213-43b3-9dc1-5c73e4db074f">...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH and I grew up in a small town in MO. Recently, we moved to FL so I could finish up my last 16 months of school with intentions of moving back immediately after school was complete and getting married June 2012. Before I moved, I met with multiple venues and set an attentive date with my florist. I had everything I could plan picked out. After months went by living here in FL, my FH has begun to love it here and wanted to get married somewhere like Key West. I already have my dress bought and its no beach dress and that's not the type of wedding I have in mind. My family made a big deal about a destination wedding because they would be unable to attend due to financial reasons, and my mom was extremely upset.  The other morning, I woke up from a magical dream! We got married in a historic private castle in Germany. It was something we both wanted and absolutely stunning....soooo I started searching! :) My FH LOVES the idea and we have decided to get married in a castle overlooking the Mediterranean Sea in Amalfi Coast Italy.  Now, how do I break it to my mom who has been looking forward to her only daughters traditional wedding back home with all of our friends and family? I love my mom dearly and we are extremely close, I just don't know how to tell her the news. I want her to be happy for us and I understand that a lot of people may not be able to attend but this is a once in a lifetime experience and I want to do what my FH and I want!  Any advice or suggestions with minimal hurt feelings...
Posted by Dimplz1401[/QUOTE]

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:babf4bae-3ba9-49c2-b078-e5f2c0e2c05a">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]We have already had some our closest friends tell us they love the idea and will be able to attend and make it into a vacation. We are looking into booking hotel rooms and paying for half the cost of everyones room to help. It's relatively inexpensive to have the wedding there...it's just traveling cost thats so expensive and we are willing to help with expenses. As of right now, we have 20-30 people in attendance. We want to make this happen and memorable! 
Posted by Dimplz1401[/QUOTE]

Have you told 20-30 of your closest friends that you have changed your wedding venue before you've told your parents? It's nice that your friends can afford that once in a lifetime experience, but what about your immediate families? You've told your mom you're getting married in your home town, made arrangements and then changed your mind without telling her. That sucks.

Good luck.

venturabj

I would definately go for it!!! It's what you guys want! You can record the ceremony and have a reception back home and show it! You can even rent out a small screening room and show it to your guests there. That way everyone will get to see it, but you will get what you want!

Dimplz1401

To clear some things up! This decision was just made 2 nights ago so its not like there has been much planning or any arrangements done. We haven't reserved anything back home, only visited venue sites and spoke with a florist. My FI parents, grandparents, and his brother know about the current decision and are all supportive of it. My FI has told a few friends as well as I have spoken with my BM and they are all saying lets go! I haven't mentioned to my mom yet because I saw her last reaction and wanted to get a feel for others input. If we didn't have their support, then I wouldn't have been brought it up and caused the headache. We are planning a big reception to celebrate with all our friends and family that were unable to attend so we can share the memories with them back home. This is how we want our wedding so the planning begins!

vicki0508

If you just changed your plans, how do you know you'll have 20-30 people attending?

mob2689

As a mother of ONE daughter myself, I would be extreamly hurt, and very upset to be lead all this time in one direction and then to find out she will be getting married somewhere where I couldn't even witness?!? OH yeah there is nothing you can say or do that won't piss her off. Maybe go there for your honeymoon if you can afford it and have your dear friends go then.
 
Be prepared for major conflicts for years to come. It would be one thing if that seed was there and mentioned in the begining but to spring it on her "Oh btw, mom we changed our mind,  we are getting married in another country" I would be floored and hang up on you. You would never see the tears or feel the pain as she would. You would feel the rath though.

Also don;t forget about passports, those are close to $100 each now I think.

trix1223

If your parents told you that Florida is too expensive a destination from Missouri, then the castle in Europe definitely means you're intentionally excluding your parents.  I don't know any way that you're going to get "minimal hurt feelings" from doing that.

Only you can decide if excluding your mom and the rest of your family from your wedding will be something you can live with.  You know your mom will be crushed.  If you're okay with that, then have your castle wedding.

But I have to speak as someone who's been both MOG and MOB.  It would have broken my heart if our son or our daughter had planned something that they knew we couldn't attend.  It's not only an important day for you and your FI, but it's also a very important day for your family.

Good luck.

mob2689

I will add, my daughters wedding is 1100-1200 miles away and yes it is difficult as a mother with limited monetary ability to contribute and attend but I will be attending and contributing. I had to "move" things in order to do it, and I am fortunate to be able to do it because she has legitimate reason on having hers so far away other than selfishness. Am I happy with it? No, but I do understand her reasoning. Am I happy for her? Yes, extreamly happy!

Like the pp stated if you know that it would be next to impossible for her to attend in Fl. what makes you think that she wouldn;t be upset with this?

How could you think of hurting your mom like this if you "love her dearly, and are extreamly close" to her? and guess what, "Magically" you wont be as close if you do go to Italy to get married.

Dimplz1401

I never said my parents wouldn't be in attendance. It's extended family like aunts and uncles that will be unable to attend due to finances. Both sets of my grandparents, parents, my brother and my FI's family will be there. My grandparents are planning there own trip to Europe for there wedding anniversary next year. I wouldn't dare have a wedding somewhere my parents couldn't be there. Its not like I'm heartless and don't care about my family. I love them dearly and couldn't imagine not having them there. Sorry for some of the misunderstanding.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:e9111f4f-2ec7-44fa-93b2-4f2ae084e859">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said my parents wouldn't be in attendance. It's extended family like aunts and uncles that will be unable to attend due to finances. Both sets of my grandparents, parents, my brother and my FI's family will be there. My grandparents are planning there own trip to Europe for there wedding anniversary next year. I wouldn't dare have a wedding somewhere my parents couldn't be there. Its not like I'm heartless and don't care about my family. I love them dearly and couldn't imagine not having them there. Sorry for some of the misunderstanding.
Posted by Dimplz1401[/QUOTE]
I don't understand.  In your OP, you were concerned about telling your mom about your change of plans.  Now, it sounds like you've already disclosed your German plans to everyone and your immediately family is all coming.  Which is it?

mob2689

I didn't see an where where you said  your "parents"  were going, I saw where you said your family (not  extended family) couldn't afford it.

.Also keep in mind vacation time, if they work. That alone could be an issue.  Along with the "unknown" that plays into using vacation time. It would be easier to get from Mo to FL even if it was just for 2 days if that is all that was left, maybe the company they work for will grant that off w/o pay for your wedding for 2 or 3 days but if they don't have much vaca. left due to the "unknown" I don't think  they would be able to get off for the time that would be needed  if it was in another country. Just another thing to look at as well.

If all are going as stated, you have a chance of convincing her. I could see her being hurt that her sisters and ppl wouldn';t be able to attend, but keep in mind don't expect gifts from the ppl who weren't invited and/or couldn't attend.
 

JunkCanoe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:9cc32c83-f1eb-4d8b-8fc3-3f6bc8b33fc1">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]I will add, my daughters wedding is 1100-1200 miles away and yes it is difficult as a mother with limited monetary ability to contribute and attend but I will be attending and contributing. I had to "move" things in order to do it, and I am fortunate to be able to do it because she has legitimate reason on having hers so far away other than selfishness. Am I happy with it? No, but I do understand her reasoning. Am I happy for her? Yes, extreamly happy! Like the pp stated if you know that it would be next to impossible for her to attend in Fl. what makes you think that she wouldn;t be upset with this? How could you think of hurting your mom like this if you "love her dearly, and are extreamly close" to her? and guess what, "Magically" you wont be as close if you do go to Italy to get married.
Posted by mob2689[/QUOTE]

I must say "wow". Isn't the wedding day supposed to be about the bride and groom and what THEY want? If you want to talking about being selfish, how about causing problems with your ONLY daughter for years because she didn't do what YOU wanted her to do on HER wedding day. I, for one, am glad I don't have a mom that thinks that way. The wedding day is the bride's day and a mother should be supportive of what she wants. If the daughter makes plans she knows will specifically exclude her mother, that is one thing, but is clearly not the case here.

Also, what's the problem with running the idea by friends and other family first? If everyone else is supportive of the idea, it makes it much easier to tell her mother. If no one likes the idea, then maybe it's not worth pursuing and should be abandoned.

The wedding day is not as important to anyone else as it is to the bride and groom. Not everyone cares to have a wedding with every single friend and family member they have and it in no way means that they don't care or aren't close with those people. To say such a thing is, in my opinion, very childish.

The OP simply asked if anyone had an opinion on how to approach her mother because she will be the hardest sell on the idea. I don't see anything that asks for people to tell her how to plan her wedding and who to invite.

If an Italian wedding is what she wants and has the support of the people she really wants there, then she should go for it!

mob2689

Umm I am far, far from being selfish,  Thank you....I   am extremely pleased of her FI and couldn't be prouder of her choise. They (my daughter and her FI) have good resonings other then just wanting to have it so far away to from both the grooms parents and us.They asked and explained to us (his parents and us) before they told anyone else.
 
I would only be selfish if her wedding was the way I "see" it to be , but it is far different and it is HER wedding ! Am I happy it's so far away? Honestly, like I said no; but I am adult enough to know the difference of what/why it is important to her. If the OP posts mother can't see it that way then she may be in for alot of conflict with her mother.Just as I stated.

I don't think I nor anyone else ever told her who she needed/should invite either.

If you read the OP, it was worded as if her parents couldn't afford the trip to FL. it wasn't until much later that it was stated differently, and more clearly, and I may add I wasn't the only one who read it that way as you can see/read. You came in much later then the rest of us.

If she ran it already by her freinds and family and they were ok with it she must have been feeling differently  to come on here and ask. When you come and ask you will get answers you may or may not like, doesn't mean you have to go with anything other ppl say, and you won't be judged because of it. Which an adult mind would know. If no one was to answer how they feel on a question being asked w/o getting different opinions why even have this fourm?

Now go post #2.

redheadtmk

I prefer the band-aid method myself with sticky news such as yours. Its best to just rip it off quickly and be done with it, rather than agonize and over think it. That is just me though.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:203798f4-2870-4333-aa61-75ed8a47096d">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:...Change of plans... : I must say "wow". Isn't the wedding day supposed to be about the bride and groom and what THEY want? <strong>If you want to talking about being selfish, how about causing problems with your ONLY daughter for years because she didn't do what YOU wanted her to do on HER wedding day</strong>. I, for one, am glad I don't have a mom that thinks that way. The wedding day is the bride's day and a mother should be supportive of what she wants. If the daughter makes plans she knows will specifically exclude her mother, that is one thing, but is clearly not the case here. Also, what's the problem with running the idea by friends and other family first? If everyone else is supportive of the idea, it makes it much easier to tell her mother. If no one likes the idea, then maybe it's not worth pursuing and should be abandoned. The wedding day is not as important to anyone else as it is to the bride and groom. Not everyone cares to have a wedding with every single friend and family member they have and it in no way means that they don't care or aren't close with those people. To say such a thing is, in my opinion, very childish. The OP simply asked if anyone had an opinion on how to approach her mother because she will be the hardest sell on the idea. I don't see anything that asks for people to tell her how to plan her wedding and who to invite. If an Italian wedding is what she wants and has the support of the people she really wants there, then she should go for it!
Posted by JunkCanoe[/QUOTE]

Re: the bolded part; what the hell are you talking about?  I read that post a half-dozen times trying to see what problems she's caused for years, and I missed it entirely.

The fact is that the OP came in here asking how to avoid hurting her mother's feelings, and the honest truth is, it's very likely not possible.  That's not to say that her mom will never forgive her, or any dramatics like that, but I'm positive the mom will be hurt.

Regarding the telling friends first - on the one hand, I get it.  But on the other, coming from a very close-knit family, I would much rather plan my wedding around the important people in my family being able to attend, rather than around whether my friends can make it. 

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:203798f4-2870-4333-aa61-75ed8a47096d">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:...Change of plans... : I must say "wow". <strong>Isn't the wedding day supposed to be about the bride and groom and what THEY want?</strong> If you want to talking about being selfish, how about causing problems with your ONLY daughter for years because she didn't do what YOU wanted her to do on HER wedding day. I, for one, am glad I don't have a mom that thinks that way. <strong>The wedding day is the bride's day and a mother should be supportive of what she wants.</strong> <em><strong>If the daughter makes plans she knows will specifically exclude her mother, that is one thing, but is clearly not the case here</strong></em>. <strong>Also, what's the problem with running the idea by friends and other family first?</strong> If everyone else is supportive of the idea, it makes it much easier to tell her mother. If no one likes the idea, then maybe it's not worth pursuing and should be abandoned. The wedding day is not as important to anyone else as it is to the bride and groom. Not everyone cares to have a wedding with every single friend and family member they have and it in no way means that they don't care or aren't close with those people. To say such a thing is, in my opinion, very childish. The OP simply asked if anyone had an opinion on how to approach her mother because she will be the hardest sell on the idea. <strong>I don't see anything that asks for people to tell her how to plan her wedding and who to invite. If an Italian wedding is what she wants and has the support of the people she really wants there, then she should go for it!
</strong>Posted by JunkCanoe[/QUOTE]

There are so many things that are wrong in this post.....

First bolded part - The answer to your question is no.  It's about two families joining together.  It's about the bride, groom, family and friends.  What the bride and groom want takes precedence over anything HOWEVER family, friends and guests should always be taken into account.

Second bolded part:  The wedding day is about every single person invited, not only the bride.  You know there's also a groom involved.  Guests are also an important part of your wedding.  Maybe you should keep that in mind.

Bold Italic part:  OP specifically said her mom already had trouble adjusting to the idea of having a DW in Florida.  You don't think she would have a problem with something overseas?  That is excluding family members on purpose.  You know for a fact that they can't make it, it's important for you that they be there but you still go ahead with getting married in a castle?  That's being selfish and an AW.

Third bolded part:  If her mom finds out from a friend before her daughter says it first it will cause a sh*tload of problems.  Family should always come first, then friends.  OP doesn't seem to have any relationship problems with her mom so her mom should be the first to know.  It's just common curtesy.

Fourth bolded part:  You tend to invite your immediate family to a wedding.  She wants her mom there so obviously she doesn't have all the support from the people she wants to invite therfore your statement makes absolutely no sense.  If I had a daughter who would go to some castle for a PPD wedding, knowing that I couldn't be there and that she wanted me there, I would be extremely mad.  It's very selfish to say the least.

OP just a suggestion here to make all parties happy.  Why don't you have a wedding at home and then go off on your honeymoon and have another ceremony at this castle?  That way your mom can be there and you'll still have your dream come true wedding.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9ef0904b-e991-4550-8531-968507e6a165Post:11487537-9641-4971-8575-ee9c0ea01bc6">Re:...Change of plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]If your parents told you that Florida is too expensive a destination from Missouri, then the castle in Europe definitely means you're intentionally excluding your parents.  I don't know any way that you're going to get "minimal hurt feelings" from doing that. Only you can decide if excluding your mom and the rest of your family from your wedding will be something you can live with.  You know your mom will be crushed.  If you're okay with that, then have your castle wedding. But I have to speak as someone who's been both MOG and MOB.  It would have broken my heart if our son or our daughter had planned something that they knew we couldn't attend.  It's not only an important day for you and your FI, but it's also a very important day for your family. Good luck.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This...my heart would also be broken.  Because you had a dream?  I had a dream that I woke up with my 20 year old body back.  That does not make it possible.