Momma Drama - kinda long

ajecatl

Love my mom so much but she has been my constant source of stress since we got engaged. She is not paying for the wedding (my dad is) but wants to make everything about her. Almost like I am an after thought. Every aspect of the wedding she has had negative or lackluster feedback and when she flew in to see me two weeks ago to see me in my dress (which I have been over the moon about since I put it on), her first reaction was to say with a frown on her face "is that the right dress? hmm." And when I burst into tears she played the backtrack game but it was too late and already out there.

I am essentially her only daughter and I really expected more support than this. Everytime I get off the phone with her I am so worked up and either in tears or close to it. My fiance is at his wits end with her and I am just trying to keep the peace and I guess hoping for something she is not willing to give. I wrote her a long email explaining all my frustrations in hopes that once she realized what she was doing she would change...that lasted about a week and it was back to the same.

If she is asked, she gushes about how excited she is and doesn't understand where she is being negative or even selfish (even though I have countless & detailed examples). She loves my fiance and is happy that we are getting married but she doesn't realize how she makes everything about her or puts undo stress on every situation. I have stopped telling her wedding details and the only time the wedding is brought up is when she calls me to say she invited random people to the wedding (guest list has been set in stone for 5 weeks now as we have a set limit of people) and then doesn't understand why I would be upset about that. Or if she calls me to ask why I did such and such and to express her disgreement with the way I have done something. I've practically gone in hiding from her to avoid getting more upset.

hlq2011

The only think you can do is stop discussing wedding stuff with her.  Don't talk to her about plans or anything like that.  It sounds like you're on the right track, and there's really not much more you can do.

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momma-drama-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a07b691b-0d84-4e84-a841-57af47649284Post:92a14cb6-c90e-45c0-9d9f-ca6159dcba29">Re: Momma Drama - kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]The only think you can do is stop discussing wedding stuff with her.  Don't talk to her about plans or anything like that.  It sounds like you're on the right track, and there's really not much more you can do.
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

THis.
 I found this has been a world of help to deal with all th epeople stressing me out about the wedding. I can't even begin to explain it has made a temendous difference.

mob2689

You say when you talk to her on the phone, does she live far away from you? If so maybe she is just wanting to be a part of your WP and with her being far away(weather she is paying or not) she is trying so hard to be there in some way

When she starts "acting up" maybe say  "Mom, it's getting to be e-mail time are you ready?! " and say it with a smile in your voice. Since she responded for a short period of time to it. maybe  for now on all you have to do is mention something abot sending her another e-mail  You may even get a chuckle from her if she realizes she was "at it again"  after due time she will then learn her boundries and you still maintain a good relationship. It's just a suggestion. 

ETA: You could also "blow smoke" and tell her that you need her to be the  "no wedding talk  go to person" when you need to "escape" it?? That way you have given your role on what you would like for her to do for you. "Mom, I love talking to you, but with all this wedding stuff I realy need a person who I can talk to w/o talking wedding and I would realy like for you to be that person for me"

ajecatl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momma-drama-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a07b691b-0d84-4e84-a841-57af47649284Post:4dfed8a4-271c-466d-8d37-5909e797aa40">Re: Momma Drama - kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]You say when you talk to her on the phone, does she live far away from you? If so maybe she is just wanting to be a part of your WP and with her being far away(weather she is paying or not) she is trying so hard to be there in some way :(  ETA: You could also "blow smoke" and tell her that you need her to be the  "no wedding talk  go to person" when you need to "escape" it?? That way you have given your role on what you would like for her to do for you. "Mom, I love talking to you, but with all this wedding stuff I realy need a person who I can talk to w/o talking wedding and I would realy like for you to be that person for me"
Posted by mob2689[/QUOTE]


Great suggestions. We live across the country from one another and I probably created this monster by asking for some help when we were initially engaged and she didn't contribute one iota to anything. Now though, her contributions are more like complaints and I can't remember the last time she brought an actual suggestion or idea to the table as they have all been 'well, so and so said this so you need to now incorporate that' type of calls. I will try conversing via email only - though yesterday's email from her to me was so over the top passive aggressive that I was annoyed for a good two hours over it.

When do we stop carrying so much about pleasing our mother's? I need to get over it I think!

Thanks again, everyone!

mob2689

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momma-drama-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a07b691b-0d84-4e84-a841-57af47649284Post:af61d1d8-d754-4848-91c2-a6b8ee231e41">Re: Momma Drama - kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE] When do we stop carrying so much about pleasing our mother's?Posted by ajecatl[/QUOTE]

I want to make it perfectly clear what I am going to say is going to be said in a joking way, and not meant to dis any of the women on here but this is from what I have expereinced while my daughter is ready to get married: :)

In response to your question:

In most instances,
Just when you "think" you have finally grown a backbone and because of it,  you are completly releived and comfortable that you no longer have please her,  your daughter/son is growing up, and growing up fast. The  next thing you know, she/he is ready to take this big step(marriage). When they start preparing to make that  step is when you realize your backbone dissappeared and then understand what your mother went through,felt, and now you want to grow a tail to tuck.

I personally  can laugh now because I know somewhat of what you are going through and how it ends up, but when I was younger and going through it as you are now, there was no way it was a laughing matter.

The circle of life. :)

gossipgirl1983

I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit..

First of all, I think you need to think of a few positive things about your mother for the times when she brings up the wedding (even if you stop talking about it, she will bring it up). Write down five nice things about her. You've already said she loves your fiance - that's a great thing and it's nice that you have positive things to say about her! I don't have a mother in my life, so even if she is a pain, consider yourself at least a little lucky that she wants to be involved. When she upsets you, read those nice things you wrote. 

Second, I think she really loves you and wants everything to be perfect, but it sounds like you may not have the same taste in things (like your dress). At the end of the day, it is your wedding, but you can still keep her involved a bit. I'd suggest talking to her about things that aren't likely to be controversial (i.e. won't make you upset if she disagrees). With everything else, don't discuss it with her - discuss on TK boards, with your fiance, with your MOH, everyone but her! 

When all else fails, stay friendly with her, but not at the cost of it upsetting you. This isn't the nicest thing to do, but if she really really upsets you, don't talk to her for a few days, calm down, and then speak to her again when you're feeling better. 

jeschrein

Your Mom is never going to change. As soon as you accept this, the better off you'll be. I don't want to seem insensitive, but the time has come to get tough. You have to put your foot down and take a stand. Yes she is your Mother and you should be respectful. But she isn't being very respectful of you if she has so little regard for your feelings, is she? YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN. You are an adut and are getting married and will  be starting a family of your own soon. You have to stop the Drama and take control of the situation now. Sit her down, somewhere public and very politely explain to her that if she can't get her behavior under control, she will not be there at your wedding. Be prepared to back up the threat, though. This is your day. You should feel happiness and joy. Anybody who doesn't want the best for you should not be there, including your Mom. This is not your fault, but a consequence of her behavior. She is acting like a child and it may always be this way. Would you want to expose your children to her manipulation? Think about that. Remember that you can not control her behavior, only yours.You are also not responsible for the hurtful way she is acting.