Oh, Mom...

AlmostMrsStrong

How do I convince my mother that she should not throw my bridal shower?

Back story: My BP and I are all fairly young. 2 are high school girls (my cousins), 3 of my BMs (including MOH) and I are in college or recent college grads (high school friends), and 1 is a college grad who has been working for a while (my other cousin). I called my mom one day to tell her FI and I were considering changing one of our wedding colors, and she flipped out on me because she had already starting buying stuff to decorate the shower (read as: she bought some ribbon on clearance). I told her to calm down, I would reimburse her for the cost of the ribbon, but that we could probably still use it becasue the shower doesn't have to be the same color scheme as the wedding (which she vehemently disagreed with). Truthfully, her buying the ribbon is what made me realize I wanted to change my colors. I never asked her to buy anything, and she called me after she had already bought it.

I went by her house a few days later, and she joked that I better have my mind made up about colors so she can start planning the shower. I told her, "You know etiquette says you and I aren't supposed to throw a shower, right? If anyone throws it, it should be MOH or the bridesmaids or someone like that." She then got real snarky and shot back, "Yeah right, because your bridesmaids can totally afford to throw a shower. No, I'm planning it." I responded, "If they can't afford to throw one, I just won't have one, but I'm sure hosting a shower isn't a big deal." She rolled her eyes and left the room.

...Help?

pegasuskat

It may be a rule on the Knot, but really traditions are different everywhere.  I live in the south, and its VERY common for the shower to be given by mothers or other family members in my area. 

LoveMuffins

Yep, totally ok now for showers to be thrown by family members, just not by yourself.

Altho, considering how your mom sounds in this post, I can't blame you for not wanting her to throw the shower either and I'd probably use that as my excuse too if I was you. It did used to be considered rude, so it works .

em01092

Eh, I kind of agree with the OP. I'm also from the south, born and raised, and in our circle, it's tacky for MOBs to throw showers(MOGs, sisters, aunts, other family is ok). My MOH is having my shower at my grandma's (mom figure) house and she made it very clear to my MOH that her name is not to be on the invitations, which MOH knew and understood. Grandma's house is just bigger and more centrally located than my MOH's college apartment. 

I mean, would I gossip or refuse to go to a shower hosted by a MOB? No. I think most people are getting over the MOB shower thing because most women live on their own before getting married, whereas before, women usually went straight from their parent's home to their husbands and that's where this "it's tacky" business all started. 

Just thought I should mention that OP is not totally crazy for thinking some people may find it tacky. 

MairePoppy

It's acceptable in my circle for the MOB, MOG or grandmothers to throw a bridal shower. Usually, the bms help with hosting duties, and they may be listed on the invitations as the hosts of the shower, but the moms pick up the cost. It's common in my area for showers to include meals, usually a buffet,  and sometimes cocktails. And the guest lists can be long.

Perhaps my observation is wrong, but it seems that in areas where it is considered tacky for the moms to host, the cake and punch showers are the norm. Nice, simple and inexpensive enough for the wedding party or a friend to host.

If it's not typical in your social circle for the moms to host a shower, then show your mom the rule and turn down her offer.

divadancer11

My mom and granny have been planning my shower way before I was even engaged I mean to the point where there were already some favors purchased The only thing I know about the shower is the date/time/place everything else is a secret and a surprise. I would let your mother have fun with it and let her do whatever she wants! My family or his is not helping us with the wedding so this is their way of helping.

B&K10+13+12

If your mom has offered to throw a bridal shower for you, then what is the problem?  Are you upset because it's your mom instead of your college aged BP?   

ElisabethJoanne

I'm with PPs. Can a compromise be worked out? She plans, but the bridesmaids are listed as hostesses? It sounds like she thinks this stuff is fun and complicated and really wants to be involved, whereas it might just be a chore for your bridesmaids. Some moms, if they can be thoroughly involved, won't demand hostess recognition.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oh-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a0dc0958-7067-4b73-b84d-e5e7f2bcfeaaPost:c0ba4f23-d16a-451f-b242-73aae10f867a">Re: Oh, Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]It's acceptable in my circle for the MOB, MOG or grandmothers to throw a bridal shower. Usually, the bms help with hosting duties, and they may be listed on the invitations as the hosts of the shower, but the moms pick up the cost. It's common in my area for showers to include meals, usually a buffet,  and sometimes cocktails. And the guest lists can be long. Perhaps my observation is wrong, but it seems that in areas where it is considered tacky for the moms to host, the cake and punch showers are the norm. Nice, simple and inexpensive enough for the wedding party or a friend to host. If it's not typical in your social circle for the moms to host a shower, then show your mom the rule and turn down her offer.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Mine too.  My daughter's BP planned/invited/and ran the shower.  I provided place/food/drinks.  They are young and broke but have lots of personality!

AlmostMrsStrong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oh-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a0dc0958-7067-4b73-b84d-e5e7f2bcfeaaPost:349fd6cb-b4a3-4fe7-9725-b75e1cf6681f">Re: Oh, Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]If your mom has offered to throw a bridal shower for you, then what is the problem?  Are you upset because it's your mom instead of your college aged BP?   
Posted by B&K10+13+12[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not so much upset about her wanting to throw the shower. I'm more offended that she felt my friends are totally incapable of hosting one, simply because they're young and don't make tons of money. I will grant her that two of my bridesmaids live out of state, and one is a teenage cousin, but my MOH (who is also my roommate) has been on board with me since day 1 with wedding planning, and I trust her completely to throw a kick-ass shower.</div><div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_oh-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a0dc0958-7067-4b73-b84d-e5e7f2bcfeaaPost:172e662d-426a-436e-bc39-7ae0875c64ce">Re: Oh, Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with PPs. Can a compromise be worked out? She plans, but the bridesmaids are listed as hostesses? It sounds like she thinks this stuff is fun and complicated and really wants to be involved, whereas it might just be a chore for your bridesmaids. Some moms, if they can be thoroughly involved, won't demand hostess recognition.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]
</div></div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">I'm... not sure, actually. My MOH is my best friend in the world, but she has very strong opinions on things and would probably be highly offended if she found out that my mom doesn't think she's capable of hosting a bridal shower for me. I suppose as the wedding gets closer, they'll be in touch with each other anyway to get all of this squared away. The last thing I need is for them to get into a squabble over this, because I'll be hearing about it from both of them nonstop.</div>

Meghannsix

I totally get that in some circles it's bad taste for the MOB to host the shower, but I also agree that it's a dying tradition, since more and more brides are already out of mom and dad's house when they get married.

Is it possible that your mom didn't think they were incapable of planning and putting together a shower, that she just figured their budgets were incapable of paying for it?  Maybe she's just trying to be involved and take the financial burden off your girls.

B&K10+13+12

[QUOTE] "Yeah right, because your bridesmaids can totally afford to throw a shower. No, I'm planning it." I responded, "If they can't afford to throw one, I just won't have one, but I'm sure hosting a shower isn't a big deal." She rolled her eyes and left the room. ...Help?
Posted by AlmostMrsStrong[/QUOTE]

<div> Your mom is incorrect to comment about someone else's finances. However, it is incrediby hurtful to tell someone who has offered to throw you a party that you would rather have your friends do it for you or just not have one at all.  </div>

MairePoppy

If your mom has made one off hand remark about your wedding party, I think your over reacting. You should give her the contact information for your MOH and BMs, just in case she wants to ask them if they would like to help out. And she should understand that they are not obligated to do so. For all you know, they might be very happy that your mom has taken on this responsibility.

Next, ask your mom to leave you out of the planning. That way, she can revel in the color of ribbons and party goods to her hearts delight, without irritating you. Of course, you shouln't say that to her : ) If she brings up the shower, say, "Mom, I want it all to be a surprise. I'm sure you will throw a lovely shower."