BM backed out

lmvalentine

Hi All,

I am really wondering what to do right now. I am getting married in May 2012, so a whileish away, but I have already selected my BMs. All of them were very honored, pleased and excited. Most of them I have been friends with since HS or longer and consider them the exact representation of what I would like next to me on my big day. One of my BMs is on a tighter budget, so she has been saving for her dress (which was fine by me). I got a call from the store today mentioning she hasn't purchased the dress yet, and told me the deadline for her to order was approaching. I sent her a reminder, and she called me back in tears and said that she couldn't be a part of the wedding. Apparently there is a lot of stuff going on in her life including just being dumped. After speaking to my parents and my FH we agreed to take the burden for her finacially, so I called her back to talk to her and let her know the new arrangement. She won't speak to me and I am concerned that even though she made a rash decision, that she won't change her mind. I want to be sympathetic to her situation, but I also want her there, the day just won't feel right without her. What should I do?

lmvalentine

Is sometime in Novemember, and yes I can get her dress, but I am not going to purchase it without speaking to her, and as of right now, she won't speak to me. It's not like I can wait too long though, but I still want to be sensitive.

saric83

Honestly, what you should do is see how your friend is doing without bringing up the dress, wedding or anything related!  You just mentioned that she was dumped and has a lot going on in her life.  If I had a friend like that who wasn't returning my calls, I would be concerned for her well-being and would want to make sure she was okay and to see if there's anything I can do to help her!  That should be your primary concern.  Be her friend first and deal with the dress stuff later. 

marmo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a16df71b-5592-4dbf-a26b-f7b9ac2f25c2Post:fcf555ab-a41f-48fb-b77e-6165cb0069f4">BM backed out</a>:
[QUOTE] ...she called me back <strong>in tears</strong> and said that she couldn't be a part of the wedding. Apparently <strong>there is a lot of stuff going on in her life including just being dumped</strong>. After speaking to my parents and my FH we agreed to take the burden for her finacially, so I called her back to talk to her and let her know the new arrangement. She won't speak to me and I am concerned that even though she made a rash decision, that she won't change her mind. I want to be sympathetic to her situation, but I also want her there, the day just won't feel right without her. What should I do?
Posted by lmvalentine[/QUOTE]

<div>I mostly lurk here, and it's slow on the weekends so you'll probably get more answers tomorrow, but ...</div><div>
</div><div>It sounds to me like she needs you to be a friend and you're only thinking about your wedding.  She's not concerned about the dress if her life is falling apart, so your offering to pay for it not only won't help her, it will make her feel un-heard by someone she might have turned to for solace.  She may not be able to face a wedding at the moment, but she clearly needs a friend.  She sounds like she's in crisis. Be a friend.  Whether or not she can be in your wedding will sort itself out later.</div><div>
</div><div> (and what you said about your BMs being "a representation" sounds like you're seeing them as decor, not people, tho I hope that's not the case.)</div>

lmvalentine

While I appreciate the advice I don't appreciate the judgement. If you must know I made her a care package and showed up at her house so I could see what was going on and how she was doing. I did that for her not for my wedding. As for the quote you took from me I simply meant that all of my bms were people who had been there for me at different points of my life so that's why I chose them for what they meant and represented to me. But hey read into it how you want. I simply wanted to know if this had ever happened and if I should have taken what she said about not being in the wedding seriously and what I needed to prepare for on that end. Not how to be a friend. I may not be perfect but I do know how to be there for people.

lmvalentine

I'm not talking about the wedding with her. If I was I wouldn't be on this board lol. I just wanna know if this has happened before! And how it was resolved!

nlindsay17

I think it's really sweet of you to be willing to pay for her dress. You are showing her how much it means to you that she stand up with you at your wedding. Sometimes people get embarrassed to have someone pay their way when they can't afford it. I know you are being a great friend and I hope she taks to you soon. If she really feels it would be too much for her financially and emotionally to be a bridesmaid maybe you could have her do a reading? That way she is still having a special part in your wedding. I wish you luck and hope it all works out for you and your friend.

saric83

What is the dress brand? 

scorpgirl1120

What she said^^^

Sometimes us brides get so cuaght up in our lives and can't put the wedding excitement down to realize that life goes on outside of wedding planning.  So take a step back and actually talk to your friends like they are your friends (not just your bridesmaids) and be there for your girl.  It's your job!!