I'm sure my situation is not unique, so hopefully some can give us advice/suggestions.
My mother, for as long as I can remember, has been beating into my head she wants me to have a Cape Cod Wedding. I have no desire to have a beach wedding, we're an outdoorsy couple - we love to snowboard, go scuba diving, go running, anything! My mom's hobbies include tanning and watching TV. She avoids physical activity like the plague (for 28 years, she will sit in the ski lodge while my dad, brother and I go skiing for a full week) I knew that this would become a problem - she was going to turn MY wedding into HERS. I thought I was prepared. I'm not.
I got engaged ten days ago. Three days later, my FI and I drove down to my parents house (we live in Boston, they live in CT) and right away, my mom asks if we've set a date and when we tell her no, she asks like it's the end of the world.She also asked who I asked to be in my bridal party. I told her no one...I would make that decision once we've picked a venue/date. Again, shocked. I thought it was weird, but she was relatively well behaved.
Wednesday, my FI left for China/India for a month. Thankfully due to modern technology, we've been able to keep in touch. Before he left, we totally fell in love with the Stowe Mountain Resort, but we didn't have any prices. Thursday, I told my parents about this - they seemed excited & were supposed to be heading up there next week. They offered to scout it out while they were there. Friday, I called home. My mom asked if I'd seen the prices of hotel rooms at SML. She pretty much flipped out, said it was selfish of me to ask people to pay that kind of price (about $200/night) and we should look somewhere where people don't have to get a hotel room. She said no one from the family would come. Of note, no matter where we get married, about 80% of people need a hotel as they are from DC, Chicago, NYC, California, Hawaii or INDIA. I explained the theory behind a wedding weekend - so all we can see/enjoy our friends and family who've come to our wedding!! She disagreed, saying it was rude. However, she mentioned Cape Cod has some great places to get married. Is it just me or would everyone still need a hotel for an event on Cape Cod?? Also, she mentioned St Kitts as a destination. Clearly, this was not about a hotel room, more location.
It only gets worse. They came up that night to help me move in with my FI. She was in a sour mood from the minute they showed up. My dad mentioned how much fun Burlington, VT is, including Ben & Jerry's and many breweries. She told me that no one wants to do any of that and she wouldn' come to the wedding. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I told her that this was not her wedding, it's mine so to stop trying to make it hers.
My FI & I had originally thought our budget would be $30K (as we're also trying to buy a condo & pay off our mountains of student loans) but my parents have set aside $25,000 for us. My dad was very clear that this does not need to be used for the wedding, but we're getting it. We started looking a few other venues online last night (shockingly, most on Cape Cod) and I mentioned something about a venue fee being expensive (~$10,000). My mom commented that it's not expensive (???) I'm just cheap & that everyone should have a 'blast' at my cheap tacky wedding. Thanks mom. She then asked how much our budget was, I'm assuming to figure out what percent of this wedding was "hers". I told her I didn't know, we had to do some number crunching & talk to the future in-laws. As a side note, my FI is an anesthesiology & I'm a physician assistant, so we could easily pay by ourselves for something much more than our budget.
For the next 24 hours, the comments kept coming unprovoked. She told my roommate and her family about how I'm going to have a small wedding because no one wants to go to a wedding in Vermont, etc, etc.
I finally got my dad alone to talk & he feels awful. He said he knows it's bad for me, but he's got to live with her! He said he would talk to her later and for me to just keep my mouth shut about ANY plans for the wedding. We decided to have a small reception in my parents backyard a few weeks after the wedding for those who can't come to the wedding (mainly, my 90 year old grandma and my 97 year old great uncle). He said he'll bring that up to her later.
She also told my dad she no longer wants to go to Stowe next week on vacation. Clearly, this is her way of telling me she doesn't want to go look at the venue.
The final straw was right before my parents were leaving. My mother has not said a word to me in about 3 hours, and out of nowhere, she says to me "So you're not having any bridesmaids?" Both my dad and I are confused. She explains that I told last week I wasn't having any, and it's probably a good thing since no one wants to come to Vermont.
I called my fiancee in Hong Kong who is upset because I'm upset and he would like to have SOME say in our wedding. My dad and brother don't know how to handle my mom (since they live with/near her), but keep telling me to do what I want, don't let her ruin this time. They said they could care less where I have the wedding, but agree a fun mini destination wedding would be great. I told my dad we weren't going to accept the money so she couldn't have a say, but he's insisting HE wants us to have it.
I'm seriously about to elope or just not get married. I feel like my mother is acting incredibly juvenille and just downright mean and this will tear my family apart - I can't imagine dealing with this til next fall. Any suggestions? Has anyone's mother been like this? Why can't she just be happy for us?