Moms and Maids
Options

Mom issues...can anyone relate?

Hi ladies...hopefully some of you can relate to my situation cause I could really use some advice. Or just some commiserating lol. I just got engaged a few weeks ago, and just started planning, and already I have a knot in my stomach because of my mother.

 The latest thing is that she informed me that shopping for my gown would have to take place during the week, because she doesn't work during the week in the summer, (and her weekends are booked) even though myself, my best friend, and my FMIL do. (But according to her, my FMIL doesn't have to be there even though I'm lucky enough to be close with her!) That's just a small example but very telling of things to come. My sister got married at my parent's house and she's pissed that I'm getting married where my fiance and I live, which is an hour from her. 

Everything I do or say has to be censored as to not piss her off and bring on a tirade. My fiance and I want to get married where his parents had their wedding, (because we like it there and they're giving us a deal!) but I'm afraid to tell her that because she's going to be jealous and pissy about it. According to her my taste is "glitzy" (and by that, by the way, she means "gaudy"). 

Everyone, including me, lets my mom have her way all the time because it's easier than dealing with the consequences if we don't. But this is my wedding and I'm not giving in to her this time...I'm just dreading the criticism, judgement, snide comments, and probably temper tantrums I'm going to have to listen to for the next 13 months.

Thanks for listening/reading :-) 

Re: Mom issues...can anyone relate?

  • Options
    First question, who is paying for the wedding?
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issuescan-anyone-relate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a28fff31-54e5-4e3f-85ad-26d26775ed69Post:5c059517-7939-44d4-8b20-0f03fcd81e98">Re: Mom issues...can anyone relate?</a>:
    [QUOTE]First question, who is paying for the wedding?
    Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

    <div>Good question. My mother said they would contribute, (side note, my parents paid for my sister's entire wedding) but even though I've asked twice, has not yet told me how much. My FIL want to help but they're having financial issues, so I don't know if they're going to be able to. My FI and I will make up the difference...just really wish I knew what that was going to be. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issuescan-anyone-relate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a28fff31-54e5-4e3f-85ad-26d26775ed69Post:e951709e-6f53-40ce-b7dc-ec33777df01b">Re: Mom issues...can anyone relate?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like you have two choices.  Decline the money and have the wedding you want, without needing her approval on anything.  Accept the money, and the strings that will be attached.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

    <div>I realize it does seem that simple...but the truth is it doesn't have anything to do with the money. I haven't been financially reliant on my parents in over 10 years, and she has acted this way my entrie life. It's just that it seems more intense and upsetting now that there's a wedding to plan, regardless of who's paying for it. </div><div>
    </div><div>I just needed to vent :-)</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issuescan-anyone-relate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a28fff31-54e5-4e3f-85ad-26d26775ed69Post:e05d2342-25e1-4843-ad5c-a82e1b11fc1a">Re: Mom issues...can anyone relate?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom issues...can anyone relate? : I realize it does seem that simple...but the truth is it doesn't have anything to do with the money. I haven't been financially reliant on my parents in over 10 years, and she has acted this way my entrie life. It's just that it seems more intense and upsetting now that there's a wedding to plan, regardless of who's paying for it.  I just needed to vent :-)
    Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

    Would declining her money turn into a bigger deal than accepting her money and demands?

    Good luck dealing with her, your wedding might amplify your prior issues...or you could just not talk about it with her.  Not including people who will drag you down will make wedding planning a lot easier.  If she is paying, then you will need to monitor how long to involve her in decision-making, which can turn into a chore in and of itself.

    Can you scale down some things and leave her money out of it?
  • Options
    willywally5willywally5 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    Honestly, I'd leave her money out of it for certain. And then nix the planning discussions with her until she can behave herself. If that doesn't happen, she misses out. 

    I know that sounds harsh, but seriously ... based on your remarks, your mom keeps everyone around her walking on eggshells in order to get her way. People have been indulging her for years. Unless you want it to continue well into your married and eventually new family life, you need to be firm NOW. 

    It is sad to me that some parents try to usurp their children's happiness, or that some people in general just must have things their way. I suspect it is just how they are wired. 

    Best of luck!
    image
  • Options
    I'm a MOB and I'm with Willy all the way on this one.  Your mom behaves like this because she has been allowed to.  I would really encourage you guys to decline any money she offers and plan things as you want them.  Good luck to you.  I was raised by an aunt much like your mother.  I had to move 300 miles away to get her controlling nature out of my life.  Best decision ever.
  • Options
    Totally relating.

    Five days until my wedding, and my mom had me help move couches and shampoo carpets in her house. Yep. Pretty sure that's not what most brides are doing right before the wedding!

    I had to include my sister as a bridesmaid even though we don't have a good relationship and she's super irresponsible (but my mom hated the idea of not including her but having my other two sisters as bridesmaids). So okay, she's a bridesmaid. She told me yesterday that she didn't ask off for any days this week, so she won't be there to help set up, and she doesn't know if she can make it to the rehearsal. ARG! My mom told me not to worry about it. Yeah. Right.

    My mom is also doing this really annoying thing where she compares my wedding to her own.
    "Well, we didn't do all this work with centerpieces for my wedding." - Well, duh. It's a DIY wedding, mom. We have a tiny budget, remember?

    I commented on the fact that I was a little bummed that my two friends weren't going to be able to get into town sooner so I could spend more time with them- "Well, you need to get over that. My own brothers didn't come to my wedding."

    "You should be grateful we're helping you- no one helped with my wedding. I did everything by myself."- Well, then, you shouldn't have burned bridges with your own mother before the wedding. And did you even ask her for any help? Oh. Didn't think so.

    GGGRRRR.
  • Options
    Salsera29Salsera29 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited June 2012
    OMG...I think our mothers were twins seperated at birth...your post literally could have been mine, down to the irresponsible sister! (Mine is the MOH even though my best friend is going to be doing all the work!). My mom looked at pictures of the venue I like yesterday and said it was "tacky"...then when I told her that wasn't very nice, she tried to backtrack and say, "Well, you know, it's just very...you know...you." Thanks mom. 

    And NO you are not supposed to be cleaning your mother's house right before your wedding!!! Although I have to say I'm jealous that your wedding is so close and soon you won't have to deal with this brand of nonsense from her any more. And you ARE allowed to be dissapointed when things don't work out the way you want them to. Just try to share those feelings with someone who is going to be more sympathetic. 

    I hope you have a fabulous day, and you will probably be so caught up in the moment you won't even think about the negative things!! Good luck!!
  • Options
    Thank you! And good luck to you, too! I really hope things get better for you.

    Ugh- the part about her calling the venue tacky and then saying its "you...." OH MY GOODNESS. Terrible. I'm sure that it's beautiful! And just because it's not her style doesn't mean it's tacky! Gosh!

    Yeah, I'm glad it's almost over. But darling, I feel for you! You can totally get through this! Just smile, nod, and then scream into a pillow. Or at your future husband. Mine has heard me out so many times this week, I'm surprised he still wants to marry me!

  • Options

    OMG YES!! My mom is the same way. My sister got married 7 years ago and everything I do is compared to her wedding. Everytime I look at vendors that my sister didnt look at or use I get a whole speech abotu how amazing my sisters wedding was and how I should do everything she did. My mother doesnt even approve of my BM dress color. Why can't she just smile and nod. She made wedding dress shopping so uncomfortable because she couldnt even be happy or smile for me. Her latest complaint is how my Bro in law and FI are so different from each other and will he really make me happy in the long run...newsflash Ma me and my sister are so very very different and want different things in husbands......grrrrrr

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards