HELP- MOG trying to ruin the wedding?

pinky6388

My FI and I have been together for 6 years, and honestly, his mom and I have always gotten along just fine. Something about the wedding though has made her crazy... I have tried to include her just as much as I include my own mom with the planning- she's gone to dress fittings, cake tastings, etc. but she still tends to tell me and other people that I haven't included her at all. Our wedding is now in 5 weeks, but since July I have been asking her for addresses for her invitations. She and my FI's dad also agreed over a year ago to pay for 1/3 of the wedding... but they haven't given us money yet. While frustrating, I can get over the money thing... it puts more stress on my parents and FI and i, but we would make it work. 

Because she was dragging her feet so much with addresses and they needed to go out weeks ago, I finally went around her and talked to aunts, uncles and cousins to get their side of the families addresses, because money or not, its important that they be there too. About a month ago, she showed me a list of people she wanted to invite. When I saw tons of names that weren't family, and knew we are on a tight budget, I told her that we needed to just invite family and close friends (as nicely as possible). I specifically told her that family was invited and that we could save spots for about 25 extras of their friends (which I thought was generous). I knew she was upset still, but later that night she managed to tell my FI that I had told her that her family wasn't invited. (Thankfully, he knew the truth though).

After that she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks- when I would go over to her house with FI, she would go into another room. When she finally started talking to me again, she finally gave me the address list (note: 5 weeks before the wedding, the rest of the invites went out 2 weeks ago)! The list included about 80 people (40 or so invitations) not including family!

She has openly stated that my FI is her favorite son because he is the only one that is nice to her and that she isn't loosing him without a fight.... I didn't think she was serious. It really seems like she is trying to make it as difficult as possible for my fiance and I to actually make this happen. Fortunately, we have stood strong through this and haven't really let her get to us. 

I need HELP though! I can think of some mean-spirited things to say or do to her, but I don't want to do that. I've tried talking to her rationally, and so has my fiance- but obviously that didn't work. 

Any other advice?  

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-trying-ruin-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a3e2b789-7526-4b99-b9a1-0fca17da9c36Post:a64dcb88-6b4c-4c5a-9ce7-4b981b3f5011">HELP- MOG trying to ruin the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been together for 6 years, and honestly, his mom and I have always gotten along just fine. Something about the wedding though has made her crazy... I have tried to include her just as much as I include my own mom with the planning- she's gone to dress fittings, cake tastings, etc. but she still tends to tell me and other people that I haven't included her at all. Our wedding is now in 5 weeks, but since July I have been asking her for addresses for her invitations. She and my FI's dad also agreed over a year ago to pay for 1/3 of the wedding... but they haven't given us money yet. While frustrating, I can get over the money thing... it puts more stress on my parents and FI and i, but we would make it work.  Because she was dragging her feet so much with addresses and they needed to go out weeks ago, I finally went around her and talked to aunts, uncles and cousins to get their side of the families addresses, because money or not, its important that they be there too. About a month ago, she showed me a list of people she wanted to invite. When I saw tons of names that weren't family, and knew we are on a tight budget, I told her that we needed to just invite family and close friends (as nicely as possible). I specifically told her that family was invited and that we could save spots for about 25 extras of their friends (which I thought was generous). I knew she was upset still, but later that night she managed to tell my FI that I had told her that her family wasn't invited. (Thankfully, he knew the truth though). After that she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks- when I would go over to her house with FI, she would go into another room. When she finally started talking to me again, she finally gave me the address list (note: 5 weeks before the wedding, the rest of the invites went out 2 weeks ago)! The list included about 80 people (40 or so invitations) not including family! She has openly stated that my FI is her favorite son because he is the only one that is nice to her and that <strong>she isn't loosing him without a fight</strong>.... I didn't think she was serious. It really seems like she is trying to make it as difficult as possible for my fiance and I to actually make this happen. Fortunately, we have stood strong through this and haven't really let her get to us.  I need HELP though! I can think of some mean-spirited things to say or do to her, but I don't want to do that. I've tried talking to her rationally, and so has my fiance- but obviously that didn't work.  Any other advice?  
Posted by pinky6388[/QUOTE]

This is the problem, instead of seeing the wedding as gaining a daughter, she's looking at it as losing a son.  You both need to sit down with her at talk about that fear specifically.  As long as she sees you as taking her son away from her, she's going to give you a hard time.

em01092

I am sorry, she seems like a brat. I've been there. 

First, just take a deep breath. It's almost over. You say you were fine until the wedding planning. Yep, same here. Something about "losing" a son can make a mom go crazy. 

You seem like your heart is in the right place about the money. It's good that you are prepared to take on that cost yourselves because it doesn't seem like you're getting it. Did she/they say they'd give you a check or cash, or were they going to pay for specific things like the DJ or flowers?

I don't think you were wrong for what you did about the invites and addresses. Perhaps your FI should have handled that, but you were completely fair. If you and your FI, along with your family, is footing the bill, you definitely control the guest list and what you gave her was fine. She probably was giving you a "wish list" of people, but it sounds like she is still being bratty about the whole thing. It also sounds like your FI is on your side, which is key. 

I would talk to her together or just have your FI talk to her and tell her that you are on a budget and that you cannot afford to have everyone YALL would like to have, much less her friends. Tell her you feel hurt that she doesn't feeling included when you invited her to.....

Remember, no matter what else happens or comes up, your wedding is one day. Your FMIL will be your MIL until you/she dies. It is very important to consider making a few concessions in the name of peace, but also not be a doormat. Stand up for yourselves polietely yet firmly. 

GL. 

tldh

Why were you dealing with this and not your FI?  It's his mother that is the problem and it's his wedding also.

tldh

Why were you dealing with this and not your FI?  It's his mother that is the problem and it's his wedding also.

Your FI should also be the one fixing this mess with her, not you.  IF he isn't willing to tell his mother that she can't treat you like this then that's a bigger problem that's going to last a lot longer than your engagement.  You mentioned that she said he's the only one of her children who is nice to her.  I have a feeling that the rest of her kids don't take this kind of crap and he does.

quiggels219

I agree your fi should have handeled it but I also know from expierence that's just not always going to happen. I hate my fmil - my fi has gotten better about standing up to her but it's still his mom and he loves and respects her an that can be really difficult for some people. Especially if she's always been a little nutzo and he's learned to live with it his whole life. I think sitting down and talking to her as a couple is a great idea! I have suggested this myself but my fi is scared I'll fly off the handle and become super aggressive which I know could possibly happen. If the talk doesn't work I'd say try your best to ignore her and her shenanigans and enjoy your wedding day - although as people said it may never end.

MairePoppy

Wow, Pinky! You have bent over backwards trying to please your FMIL. You went out of your way to get the family addresses, presumably because your Fi wants them at the wedding. That was more than you should have done.

Fi should tell his mom that her friends will not be added to the guest list because it is not in the budget. He should tell her that she should be thankful that you went the extra mile to gather the family addresses, that she wouldn't provide in a timely manner. And he should let her know that she is damaging her relationship with him and you, by being manipulative and mean.

You should stick with the guest list you already have, but I have a feeling that you are a softy and will probably cave in to FMIL's demands. If she offers to pay for the friends, then Fi should get the money up front before the invitations are sent out. And that is not just about the money. It's about not letting anyone walk all over you.

Your FMIL sounds like she is in need of some mental health care. Good luck.

kaitlyn&henry

I am so sorry you are dealing with this...it sounds like a really tight spot to be in.

It sounds like you have tried dealing with her the best way you can (and nicely at that!) and she still is giving you a hard time. I know from experience when it comes to wedding talk/drama the FI isnt always so keen on getting involved especially when it comes to sticking up to his mother. My husband is a huge mommas boy, so it was me having to talk to my MIL as well....

anyway...like another post already said: the bigger issue here is that she sees this wedding as you taking her son away from her rather than her gaining you as a daughter. Sitting down and talking to her as a couple is a great idea so at least she can see your FI is on the same page as you...and so you both can explain the guest list situation without it sounding like you attacking her.

Weddings always tend to bring out the crazy in people so--Good luck!

StacyJenniges

You said that you had a great relationship with your FMIL until the wedding planning.  do you feel comfortable going out to lunch or dinner with her and having a heart to heart?  I am a huge fan of making sure I have a great relationship with my Mother IN Law.  During the wedidng planning I made sure I spent some alone time with her.  I think if you know of a way to talk to her alone and working on getting your relationship back to where it is try to do that.

I do have to say to you that you seem to be doing everything you can to keep the relationship good.  I have heard that many mother/Daugher -in- law relationships get ruined during the wedding planning.  Good for you for not being petty with her. 

Good luck with this.

pinky6388

Thank you all! I appreciate the support because I feel like I'm doing something wrong some days! 
Yes, FI is a little bit of a momma's boy- He has talked to her, but with no luck. I haven't pushed him too hard because I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose sides here between the two of us... Not that I don't think he wouldn't choose me, but that would be an awful position to be in for anyone to choose between their future spouse or a parent. Fortunately for everyone involved, I like my FI a lot- which is the only reason I'm being as respectful as I am to her. 

When we have casually tried to talk about it with FI, me and her, it's not the same. She changes the subject quickly and pretends like it's a non-issue.

I do like the idea of having a one on one with her best... Maybe I'll invite her to get a manicure with me, or something else fun, and then talk with her. It stinks that even after 6 years of a good relationship with her, we're kinda having to start all over RIGHT before the wedding! 

Wish me luck!

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-trying-ruin-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a3e2b789-7526-4b99-b9a1-0fca17da9c36Post:d430f1b3-dcb6-446f-8a8b-f40ed4a01ee9">Re: HELP- MOG trying to ruin the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all! I appreciate the support because I feel like I'm doing something wrong some days!  Yes, FI is a little bit of a momma's boy- He has talked to her, but with no luck. I haven't pushed him too hard because I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose sides here between the two of us... Not that I don't think he wouldn't choose me,<strong> but that would be an awful position to be in for anyone to choose between their future spouse or a parent.</strong> Fortunately for everyone involved, I like my FI a lot- which is the only reason I'm being as respectful as I am to her.  When we have casually tried to talk about it with FI, me and her, it's not the same. She changes the subject quickly and pretends like it's a non-issue. I do like the idea of having a one on one with her best... Maybe I'll invite her to get a manicure with me, or something else fun, and then talk with her. It stinks that even after 6 years of a good relationship with her, we're kinda having to start all over RIGHT before the wedding!  Wish me luck!
Posted by pinky6388[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not saying he should always agree with you, because there may be times when your FMIL is actually right and you are wrong (believe it or not), but if you two are in agreement about something, he needs to stand up for your collective stance. If he disagrees with you about something, that's different and you need to work it out before talking with anyone else. Stand together as a united front. You may not always agree right away, but compromise prior to family discussions or come to Jesus talks. 

</div>

Kristin789

First of all, the pp's are right.  She is HIS mother and HIS business, and he needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with her and then not tell you every word of their conversations because clearly it upsets you.  Better to have HIM handle HIS OWN business.

Next, I don't understand the invitation hysteria. 
Your bio says your wedding is Nov. 18.
So your invitation should go out on October 7, six weeks ahead (see timeline below).

Well, this is only October 10. 
In your original post, you say your invitations "needed to go out weeks ago."
Your invitations should have gone out three days ago, not weeks ago.

My advice would be to schedule a meeting with your officiant, and tell him/her about this.  Then have the officiant schedule a meeting with MOG and FOG and MOB and FOB and the two of you.  And in this meeting, the officiant can talk about the changing role of PARENT when your kid gets married.

Q.How far in advance should you send invitations? What is the proper date to ask for the reply card?
A. Invitations should go out six weeks before the wedding -- that gives guests plenty of time to clear their schedules for the day and make travel arrangements if they are out-of-towners. It also lets you make the RSVP date a little earlier -- say three weeks before the wedding date -- so you can get a final head count and start making a seating chart (if you'll have one) before the final-week-before-the-wedding crunch begins.

pinkglitz18

I feel your pain honey! As I was reading this.... i honestly thought that I had written this!! my MOG has now changed her dress color (9 days before) and changed it to the same color as my mom! I told her at this point it didnt matter, but shes now threatening me that she is going to ruin the reception decorations, slash tires, etc, and there is nothing I can do about it, etc etc etc. I DEF feel your pain. and I am sorry you have to deal with all of this. At this point, for me, its just not worth all the struggle. I stepped back and MADE my FI stand up to him mom and handle this. That is what you need to do...and breathe the drama (over the wedding!) will be over soon.

colleenhas

.Actually inivitations can go out up up to 8 weeks before the wedding. Almost all the invitations I have received, have been sent out 8 weeks before the event. Most have a RSVP return date  no less than 3 weeks but up to 4 weeks before.

nomaderica22

OMG! Totally how I feel! My MOG is very concerned with appearances and money, and I am not.... like I am a lot more redneck than she will ever come close to admitting to her friends and family (like she's appalled at the fact that I like beer).... well literally every step of the way she has had to complain about what we are doing and the style of our wedding..... after causing a huge problem with our ceremony (since we wanted it to be completely non-religious since we both aren't and our families are 2 diff. faiths) now I feel like a hypocrite and a fake for some of the things that are in there.  She has completely ruined our relationship and I feel bad because sometimes she tries but other times she just goes so far beyond rude/annoying/degrading that I explode! (Luckily to my mom and friends and not her or FI) Just think that all that matters is the 2 of you being married!

pinky6388

Thanks CMGr- made me laugh a little knowing that there is a possibility some of that may happen to me! Great point of view too! 

Update: We have talked and my future sister-in-law (my fiance's brother's wife) has also talked to her about it and she seems to be coming around. I was very surprised that she showed up to my shower on Saturday and behaved herself and even wrote on my guest book  "i'm not loosing a son, i'm gaining a daugther"! I'm not sure how much she meant it, but at least she was trying which is more than I thought she could do.

I don't think this will be the last bump in the road between us before the wedding (or after for that matter), but so far so good. 

I appreciate everyone's words of wisdom and it's great knowing I'm not alone! 

As far as my fiance, he's definitely stood up to her on the issue- they've argued a lot about it. She was being unrational and there was really nothing either of us could really do to get her to change her mind. It was going to be up to her to act like an adult on the issue.  I guess I was just saying I wasn't going to ask him to hate her because of this. 

On the invitations, I've heard any where between 10-6 weeks before the wedding. I wanted to do 8 since it's on a Friday, She gave me the list at week 5... so there was a bit of a gap. 

Thanks again all!