MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!

WestCoastGirl05

Hey Ladies...

Ok, I have a problem. I am getting married in just 2 months and my mom has yet to pick out a dress to wear, not a big deal... time isnt the issue... what IS the issue, is that I will not be present to HELP her decide on what to wear... case in point.. my little brother got married a few months ago, and my mom chose to wear a slinky red number to his wedding... it was above the knee... super figure flattering... and had a deep cut neck line. They got into a huge fight about it because my brother didnt want my mom to out-shine his wife on their big day... totally understandable. Well, since that incident my mom is being super illusive on what she plans to wear to my wedding... and it makes me nervous. I dont want her doing the same thing to me by dressing in something really not-maternal. I love my mom... but sometimes I think she is more concerned about looking good then by being mindful of my feelings... again... I love my mom, but she can be a little (ok a lot) on the immature side sometimes... how do I get her to not wear something inappropriate without making it a fight??

ericak135

I think the best you can do is just tell her you prefer if she chooses something relatively conservative and then just leve it at that.  You really have no say in what anyone other than the bridal party wears, so you're just going to have to deal with whatever she picks.  My guess is no one will even notice what she is wearing since the bride always looks so beautiful! 

Maggie0829

Sorry, but your Mom is a grown woman and as a grown woman can decide for herself what to wear to your wedding.  You really don't get a say unless she specifically asks you to help or asks for your opinion.

Just take a moment and think about your wedding day...will her outfit, no matter what she picks, will it completely ruin your day?  I really don't think it will.  I just know from my experience, I couldn't even tell you what people were wearing to my wedding (i know my Mom had on a graphite colored dress and my MIL had on a purple dress but I couldn't really tell you the styles they were)...all I know is that I was finally Mrs. Maggie0829 and was amazingly happy and excited to celebrate with my friends.

EmilyEastondotcom

Since this is important to you, I would write my Mom a letter or an email. You seem to be a good writer. By writing, you can choose each word and rewrite and rewrite. Something along the line of .. Mom, will you please do me an enormous favor and share with me what you'll be wearing? I know I'm bring a control freak but I'd so love to know what my #1 lady will be wearing. I would not refer to my brother's wedding at all. A letter may work or not but if you're loving and kind, you've got nothing to lose.

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:f6cca892-31ae-4695-95f7-090c7ccd53d7">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The moms wear whatever THEY want to, unless they're in the wedding party. She's a grown woman who has been shopping for herself and dressing for herself her whole life. Back off and leave this one alone. ENTIRELY.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>*nods* </div><div>
</div><div>Anyways I highly doubt your mom will outshine you on the wedding day. Unless she also wears a wedding dress. In which case that could be considered a disaster. </div>

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:f6cca892-31ae-4695-95f7-090c7ccd53d7">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The moms wear whatever THEY want to, unless they're in the wedding party. She's a grown woman who has been shopping for herself and dressing for herself her whole life. Back off and leave this one alone. ENTIRELY.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

^^^^that^^^

joyfulhappy1

why does your mom want to outshine you anyway

Ilumine

It is highly unlikely that ANY GUEST is going to mistake anyone other than you, THE BRIDE, for...well...the BRIDE.  So there really is no way that your Mother is going to outshine you.

And even if she did wear a wedding gown or LA Hookeresque outfit, the only person that will be snickered at is HER.  It will not be held against you.

Third, of the hundreds of wedding pictures you will take, you are going to choose to print out 50 ish to actually print.  Of those 50, the number of pictures you will HANG UP around your house is about a handfull (unless wedding pictures are your only form of decorations).  And of those 5 - I am betting the number with MOM and her glory will be at best 2? 

Because the purpose (this is my forth point) of the wedding is the marriage between you and your fi/dh.  In the end, you are not going to focus on what your mom wore or how much your cousin-in-law drank. 

It is about the marriage.  And your mother wearing a slinky red dress hasn't affected your brother's marriage right? 

So let it go.

laurenelli

I agree with the other postings to an extent: your mother will definitely not outshine you. However I do get your concern. You want the wedding to be about you and your finace, not whisperings to the effect of "did you SEE her dress?!?!"  or, "Can you believe she wore THAT?!"

Each mom is different- my mom dragged her feet on picking out a dress for our wedding, and I remember my coworkers asking repeatedly what she was wearing. One girl told me her mother asked both her and her sister exactly what they wanted her to wear and she went out and found the desired outfits in colors that coordinated with their weddings. So after hearing that, I kind of assumed all moms tried to coordinate. Maybe some do, but my mother was deadset on finding a flattering dress in her favorite color- to hell with my wedding colors, what the bridal party, my brother and father are wearing, etc. I didn't fight her on it but I do remember being a little wistful about maybe having her ask my opinion on what she should wear- but that's just not my mom's style.

I'll disagree with the majority here- I don't think you have any control over what she will ultimately choose, but I would ask her about what she's thinking of purchasing, or if she already has a dress, I would ask to see it. That's not unreasonable, she's your mother and it's your wedding and it's expected that you will take an interest in these details. At least this way if she has chosen an inappropriate dress you can prepare yourself before the big day. If it is risque and she asks for your opinion, I would say something to the effect of "it's beautiful, I just thought you were going to wear a long dress?" Or another suggestion to maybe have it altered to be more conservative. If she doesn't want to exchange it or have it altered (or buy a wrap, or anything) then I don't think there's much more you can do unless you want to get ugly with it and tell her you flat out hate it (which I think is what you were trying to avoid!)

At least she hasn't chosen to wear a bridesmaids dress- act as your maid of honor AND insist on officiating your ceremony. (No joke- went to a wedding last year where that happened.)

Best of luck!

tldh

OP - My mom is a busty woman.  When we went shopping for her dress, I told her to get whatever she wanted.  She picked a halter dress with a deep V neckline.  Is it the dress I would have picked for her?  Nowhere close.  Is it the dress that she loved?  Yep.  Did it take anything away from me on my wedding day? Not at all.

WestCoastGirl05

Thanks laurenelli for at least making me feel like my concerns were merritted... I'm not a bridezilla, or a child who needs to be scolded for having an opinion... I apprecaite your advice, and letting me feel like I had valid reason for feeling the way I do

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:77777a93-bceb-4ed0-9488-43be26526d72">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks laurenelli for at least making me feel like my concerns were merritted... I'm not a bridezilla, or a child who needs to be scolded for having an opinion... I apprecaite your advice, and letting me feel like I had valid reason for feeling the way I do :)
Posted by briannamarie87[/QUOTE]

No one called you a bridezilla or scolded you. It was stated: "Hey your mom is a grown women let her dress herself. She is not going to outshine you."

If you need validation on all of your feelings why not complain about it to your brother/family/friends. We are a bunch of strangers and not compelled to agree with all of your issues.

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:77777a93-bceb-4ed0-9488-43be26526d72">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks laurenelli for at least making me feel like my concerns were merritted... I'm not a bridezilla, or a child who needs to be scolded for having an opinion... <strong>I apprecaite your advice, and letting me feel like I had valid reason for feeling the way I do :)</strong>
Posted by briannamarie87[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:410e0369-0243-41eb-aa5b-7cfba80236da">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]haha thank you actualy... because I was completely under the impression that you were all here to support me...(insert sarcasm here) Obviously no on "called" me that... I was referring to the way it was coming across.. which is an opinion I am entitled too.. in the same way you are entitled to the one you so thoroughly executed<strong>. I am not looking for validation (as you called it)</strong> I am looking for advice...(hence the title) and support, which I think we all are looking for a little bit. Ya know.. a little Bride to Bride understanding. You dont have to agree with my opinion or perspective.<strong>. but you dont have to be rude about it either.. Besides, my comment wasnt pointed at you.. so why you feel the need to point it back on me seems rather childish</strong>. I was merely thanking a fellow bride for actualy give me advice.. as opposed to just an opinion or perspective.. unlike almost everyone else, she gave me a way to approach something... not just a "deal with it" mentality.. if I wanted that, I'd ask a guy.. I know better than to think that <strong>"strangers are compelled to agree with all of my issues" Come on now, what are we? 4?...</strong>
Posted by briannamarie87[/QUOTE]

You seem to want people to either 1 say Omg I totally agree you are soooo right your mom is terrible. Dress her! or 2- Wow your mom sucks hope you can talk some sense into her.

Having a valid reason = looking for and appreciating that she was validating you in feelings.

I am being a far cry from rude. I am giving you an opinion and advice on your situation. Sorry it is not sugar coated.

Advice next time you want to call someone out use their SN and not just vaguely refer to people in your post. Then they can directly respond to you.

Plenty of other people gave you advice. They said to leave it alone as she is a grown women who can chose out clothes.

You cannot talk to your mom about this issue without getting into a fight. You can suggest clothing, ask her what she will be wearing, and even buy a dress for her. But unless you zip her up on Wedding Day then she will wear what she wants.

HandBanana

You know, with all the things I had to do to plan my wedding, the last thing I invested any attention in was what the MOB or MOG wore.  Honestly, I do not get why all these brides come in here freaked out about it.  Whatever they wear is a reflection of them.  There is no way they will outshine you, the bride (in a positive way).  If they do "outshine" you then they will just look like jerks.  Unless your MOB or MOG is a nudist and refuses to wear anything, I don't see what the big fear is.

Sorry, I just can't imagine being that mean to my mom or MIL to berate them for their clothing choice especially when they are so excited about the wedding to pick out somehting special to wear that day.

lucy2113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:59d6959c-df9c-4a1b-aeac-5bc02452caec">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!! : *nods*  Anyways I highly doubt your mom will outshine you on the wedding day. Unless she also wears a wedding dress. In which case that could be considered a disaster. 
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]

<div>[QUOTE]<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">The moms wear whatever THEY want to, unless they're in the wedding party. She's a grown woman who has been shopping for herself and dressing for herself her whole life. Back off and leave this one alone. ENTIRELY.</span></div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]</span><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><font face="Arial" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">This. Both. I really don't think thsat your mom will outshine you. I mean think about it. Please let it go. </span></font></div>

lucy2113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mob-attirepotential-disaster-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4acc149-65e3-47c4-8782-43d516cf432dPost:40a1eaa8-ab86-4320-bdf5-682fd12c476e">Re: MOB attire...Potential Disaster... NEED ADVICE!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, with all the things I had to do to plan my wedding, the last thing I invested any attention in was what the MOB or MOG wore.  <strong>Honestly, I do not get why all these brides come in here freaked out about it.</strong>  Whatever they wear is a reflection of them.  T<strong>here is no way they will outshine you, the bride (in a positive way).  If they do "outshine" you then they will just look like jerks</strong>.  Unless your MOB or MOG is a nudist and refuses to wear anything, I don't see what the big fear is. Sorry, I just can't imagine being that mean to my mom or MIL to berate them for their clothing choice especially when they are so excited about the wedding to pick out somehting special to wear that day.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>HandBanana I was going to say that in my post too. I really don't see it. GL to you OP.</div>

MairePoppy

BriannaMarie - I see you just joined TK a few days ago, so perhaps you are not very familiar with the boards.

Please try this: Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the 'search boards' bar. Type in ''MOB dress, select 'current board' and go. You will see how many times this type of question has been asked along with very honest responses. No one was trying to be mean to you.

Good luck with your planning.

BettyBookworm

I agree with some other posters. Your mom is going to wear what she wants and she is an adult.

I very seriously doubt that anything she wears will outshine you on your wedding day. People are there to see you, and if she DOES attempt to be an attention wh0re then it will reflect badly on her, not you. I think it was in poor taste for your brother to get into it with your mom on his wedding day. He should have just let it go.

Your wedding day is ALWAYS what you make it. If you create drama, then there will be drama to ruin your day. If you go with the flow then your memories will be relaxed & fun. You are getting married. Enjoy it! Let your mom wear whatever she wants to. In the end you probably won't remember what she wears anyway.

renegade gaucho

Tell her she has to buy her dress at Motherhood.

jemmini6

Reading through the posts, I had in my mind what I was going to say, along the lines of "I understand why it would concern you, but you shouldn't say anything", etc.  But then I saw your really immature post about how rude everyone was, and needing 'support', etc, which just led me to believe that you just wanted validation and not actual advice. 

So basically I'm going to give you a few hints for posting here.  Lurk first.  Each board has it's own feel to it and some regular posters.  Some posters styles are a little direct, some are a little more subdued, but none of them are regularly "rude".  You'd know this if you lurked. 

Also, if you have a question to ask, try the search function at the bottom of the screen.  Some questions get asked pretty often and that can make otherwise 'polite' posters get a little snippy because it's annoying as hell when people ask a question that's been asked a million times before.

Lastly, when you post a topic asking for advice or opinions, that's exactly what you are going to get.  Some of them are going to be opposing to what you thought, or not delivered in a format you like, but that doesn't mean they were rude.  Some of them might come accross a little harsh, but sugar coating things is what you do for children, not adults.  I'm assuming you are an adult so if you find something to be rude, grow a thicker skin and get over it. 

And seriously, not a single thing that was said to you was rude in any way.  You asked for advice, and you got it, which is to leave it be and let your mother choose her own clothes.  How is that rude?

WestCoastGirl05

No your right... nothing up there that was posted was rude... there was a girl that I blocked a few posts back that was... and that was what I was referring to. I am new here so I apprecaite your advice about looking through for common trends, I'm pretty sure when I posted that I was a member for all of 3 or 4 days, so I was and sort of am still getting used to the way everything functions. If I was being immature (a little harsh) it was because of the things that were posted, which I hid... so no none of the things up there NOW were rude... I just didnt see the need to update that..

And for what it's worth... I wasnt asking for "opinions" I made it pretty clear that I was asking for advice on how to approach something, not "validation"..I know that I thanked a girl a few posts back for making me feel like my thoughts were validated... but just because I thanked her for it, doenst mean thats soley what I was looking for...I know better than to think everyone on here is going to agree with my thoughts, in the same way I am not going to agree with theirs... but just because they dont agree, doesnt mean they need to "say" they dont agree... why is it that we feel a contrasing opinion is waranted, that's not what I aked for... I'm not asking for validation, I'm asking for advice... as in... I dont want an opinion.. everyone has one of those... to break it down, either give me something I can use or dont give me anything... saying "you should just leave it alone" that is advice.. and I'll take it gladly... and they are all probably right... so in that respect thank you... but I'm pretty sure that by calling me immature... that is in fact rude.
 

jemmini6

Calling your post immature wasn't rude, it was how I perceived you based on what you posted.  Your follow up post was a little better, but I suppose another thing I should have pointed out is that this is an international, public message board...so for better or worse, you will get opinions whether you ask for them or not.  Even so, opinions and advice are tied closely together because advice isn't a one size fits all thing.  People give advice based on their opinions, so depending on your question, you will get both. 

Regardless, if you hear something you don't like or agree with, just move on.  No one is requiring you to agree with their opinion or follow their advice, but they put it out there in case it will give you a different perspective (and don't forget that other brides with similar questions might use the search function, so even if you decide it's not relevant to you, it might be to someone else who reads this)

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help you figure out the boards.  If you continue posting here, you will see this a lot more.  I understand feeling a little overwhelmed when this isn't what you expected to hear, but I promise, some of this stuff will be helpful if you just take things with a grain of salt.