Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama

moonunit2011

If my advice before isn't acceptable, you could also always explain that you want all three colors tied together. Ask her for ideas on something else she could wear red if shoes are unacceptable. Perhaps they could carry red bouquets and wear white shoes, or have a red sash on their dress, wear something red in their hair, etc.

I just want to stress that you don't always have to give in on things that make you happy to make other people happy instead. Some people consider it solely the decision of the BMs to decide what they wear... I'm more of a traditionalist, and i think that, just as you would be a good friend and try to accomodate their wants on their wedding day, asking someone to wear a pair of red shoes isn't a big deal. 

A lot of people on here seem to think the reverse. And that's fine. I just don't think you should feel like a bad, or even unreasonable person, for setting guidelines for what your BMs wear because that's what most people do. Really, people? Not that uncommon.

There are many ways to look at things, these boards are here for a variety of advice to be given. If the people who post only wanted someones personal advice, they could send them a message instead. When someone's advice doesn't match that that you have given, you don't have to attack them. Just provide rationale for your own argument and let the poster decide what works for them.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:d10640ba-df1a-468d-805a-7716e4c3237a">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Not in my opinion. And not if she pulls this crap all the time. But just so no one tries to tell me how wrong i am, i'll rephrase my advice. In my OPINION (and i understand that things are rarely right or wrong when they rely on opinion), i don't think you should have to change your vision for this one bridesmaid who is getting her panties in a bundle about shoes. <strong>In my OPINION, if all you are asking about the shoes is that they are red, she is being unreasonable</strong>. In my OPINION, you shouldn't give in to her infantile tantrum. And maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion because, like i said, i have had to deal with several friends who try to run right over top of me, and i just recently learned that i have to stand my ground, even when it comes to the little things. Or, for that matter, its easier to stand your ground on little things, and that way they can't try to trample you when bigger things come along. I might sound a little ridiculous, but its because i've been in situations (not wedding related) where people run over me and it took me a long time to find the strength to say "no, in this case things are going to go my way." and i'm not saying you should be some tyrant who demands having your way all the time. Sometimes you do have to give and take, or compromise. But i really don't see why she should have to compromise on this. Some people are saying "it's only shoes. Just let her wear what she wants." And that's fine. She asked for advice, and in their opinions that is the best advice. In MY opinion, i don't think she should have to change what color shoes they wear unless she wants to.
Posted by moonunit2011[/QUOTE]
But she wasn't just asking that they be red.  She was asking that they be red satin, which puts the Unreasonable Ball back in the bride's court to begin with.  I think everyone agreed that "any red shoes" was fine, "red shoes meeting these other ill-defined requirements" was not.

Which details you should concede on and which details you should stick to definitely varies depending on the size of the detail and who else it affects.  So when a few people gave me some grief over my choice to wear a hat, I ignored them; it was something I really wanted, and, more importantly, it wasn't going to cause difficulty or discomfort to anyone else.  But when my sister ended up with a long dress while all of the other girls had short, I let it go.  Yes, I could have asked that she find something else or get the dress she had hemmed off, but she liked the dress she had, and having everything be uniform wasn't worth inconveniencing my nearest and dearest.  A tiny part of the look of my wedding day wasn't worth potentially having people mad at me.  And ultimately, everything looked fine.

I don't think anyone was really saying that the BM didn't react poorly or handle things immaturely, she definitely did.  But the bride responded in kind and took it up to eleven, and that was certainly wrong of her.  She shouldn't expect everyone to bend over and take it just because she's The Bride.  Planning a party doesn't absolve you of the basic responsibility to act like a decent human being.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:b5320feb-ea11-41cb-9c4d-618282cca463">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]If my advice before isn't acceptable, you could also always explain that you want all three colors tied together. Ask her for ideas on something else she could wear red if shoes are unacceptable. Perhaps they could carry red bouquets and wear white shoes, or have a red sash on their dress, wear something red in their hair, etc. I just want to stress that you don't always have to give in on things that make you happy to make other people happy instead. Some people consider it solely the decision of the BMs to decide what they wear... I'm more of a traditionalist, and i think that, just as you would be a good friend and try to accomodate their wants on their wedding day, asking someone to wear a pair of red shoes isn't a big deal.  A lot of people on here seem to think the reverse. And that's fine. I just don't think you should feel like a bad, or even unreasonable person, for setting guidelines for what your BMs wear because that's what most people do. Really, people? Not that uncommon. There are many ways to look at things, these boards are here for a variety of advice to be given. If the people who post only wanted someones personal advice, they could send them a message instead. When someone's advice doesn't match that that you have given, you don't have to attack them. Just provide rationale for your own argument and let the poster decide what works for them.
Posted by moonunit2011[/QUOTE]
No one's attacking anyone.  I don't think it's unreasonable to say, "Any red shoes."  In fact I don't think anyone said anything that disagreed with that.  That was in my initial bit of advice to OP.  I told my BMs something similar (wear any silver shoes) but if one had shown up in green heels I would have rolled with it.  <div>
</div><div>In OP's case, it's causing grief among the BMs and one decided to say so to other BMs, one of whom told the bride.  The bride decided to respond by lecturing the BM, and the BM is now hitting back.  This is getting out of hand, so the bride just needs to let this one go.  It's really, really not worth all of this.  <div>
<div>There was a time when OP and her BM could have worked this out, but through their actions that window is now closed.  It's time for someone to blink, and since OP is here and her BM isn't, I vote for her to do it.  She can only control what she does, and this is something she can control without giving up anything important.  Shoes aren't important.  I honestly don't remember the shoes my BMs wore except for my sister, and I only remember because she wore a pair of my shoes.  I can't see or tell their shoes in a single photo.  If I had had a fight over shoes, you have no idea how ridiculous I'd feel today because I can now personally attest to how much it doesn't matter.</div></div></div>

moonunit2011

I agree. What i'm trying to say is that people on here catch a lot of crap for almost everything they do... we are all human. We have our faults.

I AGREE WITH EVERYONE ELSE. SHOES=NOT A BIG DEAL.

But i just don't think it's fair that so many people are trying to make it a big deal with respect to the way she is acting, and not such a big deal with respect to the way the BM is acting.

I'm not arguing with you. You are more than entitled to your opinion. Mine is different. I even think that is ideal because the poster can see that there is no right or wrong answer--no matter what she decides to do, there are people who agree with her and have been able to say why.

I really don't see the point in arguing. We disagree. It's that simple. I'm glad that you have challenged me to defend the way i feel, but people must also take into consideration that it is our PERSONAL experiences that make us think the way we do. I've had friends who make me feel like crap everytime i do anything but knuckle under and give them their way... i'm not friends with those people anymore and it has made my life 110% better. Thus why i approach this post from the perspective i do.

You had your wedding, things didn't match, and everything was fine. Just like i don't doubt things will be for this other bride if that were the case. I know it's not about the shoes. I don't even think the BM thinks its about the shoes. If it was about the shoes, why wouldn't she have just said something directly, in private, to the bride? That's what makes me think that it was some sort of stupid  control issue or a way to get attention or whatever she needs to make herself feel important.

I know i wasn't there, but the way i think, that's what i had in my head for this scenario, and that's where my advice came from.

Your advice is different because all the while you were thinking "People didn't match at my wedding and it was fine." And that is fine!

I guess what i've drawn out into this big long comment is that people give different advice because they are drawing from their own experiences and interpreting the stories in different ways. Nothing to argue about.

trix1223

This has made me think back to my wedding, which admittedly was a long time ago.  But I have absolutely no idea AT ALL what my WP had on their feet.  I have no idea at all what I wore on my feet when I was a BM for other friends.

Shoes are one of those teeny tiny details that the wedding industry would have you believe are CRUCIAL!!!!11!!!!!!11!!! to the success or failure of your wedding.  And they're just not.

I can promise you, OP, that 2 days after your wedding, you'll be shaking your head and ruefully saying "I can't believe I expended all that time and energy fighting about freakin' shoes."

bablingbrooke

I don't think we're disagreeing that much.  I do think the BM was immature, and I do think she could have handled things better, and I do think both girls need to practice a cool down before they speak again.  However, I can't give OP advice on what her BM should do that would resolve the situation.  I can, however, give OP advice on what SHE can do to resolve the situation.  See the difference?  Sometimes you have to take the first step to achieve the results you want.

I also think the advice, "This isnt' a big deal--my wedding didn't match" because we've been there and know it doesn't matter.  It's like being five months pregnant and wanting to know what giving birth will be like.  You could ask another girl who's five months pregnant, or you can ask the girl who's had a baby.  The girl who's five months pregnant can tell you what she thinks it will be like, and will probably be more right than wrong, but the girl who's given birth will tell you what it's actually like.  Same principle: If five people who are already married are telling you that you're making too much of a big deal about something, maybe it's worth considering.  It doesn't make our advice more or less valuable, but it does provide a perspective that can resolve a lot of "issues".  I know I can provide a perspective now that would have been impossible for me to provide before.

moonunit2011

That's exactly what i was saying-- that your advice is valuable, because you have been there and done it. the point i was trying to make is that we were giving advice on two different things-- i wasn't giving my advice from the perspective of what the difference in shoes would be like for here wedding though. Because i haven't been there. I have dealt with people who act like her BM though--thats what i was considering when i gave advice. Your advice is no less valuable, but we were approaching it from two different perspectives. Thats the point i was trying to make.

lilcassers

why is she so against red shoes?

maybe let them all wear black shoes and have some red flowers put into the white bouquets?

fighting about shoes is not worth it. i do understand your annoyance though.

and she is not passive-aggressive due to the fact that she had no problem stating her concern.

cbvcru67

Oh FFS.  Everyone keeps saying they're only shoes, and geez theyre just shoes, and why doesnt the bride just stop being so darn unreasonable?  But the truth of the matter is, that works both ways.  They are only shoes, and why the heck can't the bridesmaid just give it up and wear the red ones?  Even the red ones OP offered to LEND her?   Seriously.   I get it. Some people have feet problems, you can't expect everyone to wear the same style, it's hard to find red satin shoes.  I hear you all.  But it probably isn't that hard to find red satin shoes at a bridal store. The BM just doesn't want to look - she even admitted it.

Think of your own experiences... I owned at one point three different satin or chiffon bridesmaid gowns, two floor length, each costing between 100 and 300 dollars.  And what did I hear? " Well its black, you can definitely wear it again! "  Or "That is SO re-wearable!!"  Ummm Sure.  And for at least two of those weddings I bought new shoes to match the other BMs.  And took pictures in the freezing cold outside.  And wore an ugly wedding-colored shawl all night and some junk jewelery and was gracious about it.  Why?  Because they were my friends and it was THEIR gosh darn weddings.... NOT mine. Those dresses, btw, were gifted to goodwill and I hope that someone eventually did wear them again, but was glad I didn't have to!

Sometimes you do things you dont enjoy for the happiness of others.  (Every Christmas I go home to visit my mother I am reminded of this...ha!)  Maybe the bride IS being pushy, but im my opinion, the BM should just suck it up and do it and quit complaining.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:9aa4ce7c-201a-463f-846d-c89c0ebcefba">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh FFS.  Everyone keeps saying they're only shoes, and geez theyre just shoes, and why doesnt the bride just stop being so darn unreasonable?  But the truth of the matter is, that works both ways.  They are only shoes, and why the heck can't the bridesmaid just give it up and wear the red ones?  Even the red ones OP offered to LEND her?   Seriously.   I get it. Some people have feet problems, you can't expect everyone to wear the same style, it's hard to find red satin shoes.  I hear you all.  But it probably isn 't that hard to find red satin shoes at a bridal store. The BM just doesn't want to look - she even admitted it. Think of your own experiences... I owned at one point three different satin or chiffon bridesmaid gowns, two floor length, each costing between 100 and 300 dollars.  And what did I hear? " Well its black, you can definitely wear it again! "  Or "That is SO re-wearable!!"  Ummm Sure.  And for at least two of those weddings I bought new shoes to match the other BMs.  And took pictures in the freezing cold outside.  And wore an ugly wedding-colored shawl all night and some junk jewelery and was gracious about it.  Why?  Because they were my friends and it was THEIR gosh darn weddings.... NOT mine. Those dresses, btw, were gifted to goodwill and I hope that someone eventually did wear them again, but was glad I didn't have to! Sometimes you do things you dont enjoy for the happiness of others.  (Every Christmas I go home to visit my mother I am reminded of this...ha!)  Maybe the bride IS being pushy, but im my opinion, the BM should just suck it up and do it and quit complaining.
Posted by cbvcru67[/QUOTE]
No.  Just, no.  The bride isn't entitled to complete obedience by her WP.  It's not reasonable to ask your BMs to fork over for specific accessories, and it's absolutely unreasonable to expect a BM to shut up if she feels uncomfortable with having to pay for something that she doesn't have to.  She has no right to be pushy, and since the bride is here and the BM isn't, all we can do is tell the bride what she should do to make the situation better, not just validate the bad behaviour she exhibited and say it was justified by the ring on her finger.

moonunit2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_passive-aggressive-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4f4cf58-3af4-440f-8a11-0662d8d28934Post:6d9c23ae-620b-42bd-bc0b-472714d27df3">Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Passive-Aggressive Bridesmaid drama : No.  Just, no.  The bride isn't entitled to complete obedience by her WP.  <strong>It's not reasonable to ask your BMs to fork over for specific accessories</strong>, and it's absolutely unreasonable to expect a BM to shut up if she feels uncomfortable with having to pay for something that she doesn't have to.  She has no right to be pushy, and since the bride is here and the BM isn't, all we can do is tell the bride what she should do to make the situation better, not just validate the bad behaviour she exhibited and say it was justified by the ring on her finger.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]


I agree it's unreasonable...But, she didn't tell her she would have to buy her own shoes, she offered to let her borrow a pair. The BM is just being whiny and trying to start trouble. And sure, she knew she was like that before she asked, but don't we all have a friend like this? I defy anyone on here to say that they don't have a single friend who is whiny, bratty, or dramatic. If people like this were so uncommon, there wouldn't be so many posts about it on here. But the fact of the matter is, they are still friends. That's why alternatives were offered, but she even found a way to make the offer to borrow shoes "not work for her." Sounds like a crappy friend to me.

I'm exhausted by explaining my opinion though. And i hope everyone on here knows that i do have a lot of respect for your opinions too, and i definitely see where everyone is coming from. Thank you for allowing me to explain where i'm coming from as well.