Mother-In-Law - how much is too much?

birdofparadise8

I'm starting to have issues dealing with my future mother-in-law. To make it simple, I'll try to break it down..

*she is constantly trying to "help" by making suggestions and giving us opinions... she has purchased a few things without showing me or asking, and says she thought they would be "perfect for our centerpieces".. but she's never asked me if I have centerpieces figured out already or not.. she just buys things and expects I'll use them...

*she is wanting to help plan the wedding more than my own family... everytime I say "I need to call the rental company" "I need to find a good florist" "I think I'll look for x, y, z object to use".... she immediately jumps in with a "let me do it, I can do it, I will do it, I know someone who has that, I'll ask this person for that, etc.."

*she has been "strongly suggesting" to us that we invite her husband's cousin and their children (and the couple they live with, because it would be rude not to invite the other family they share a house with...).. she asked my fiance and I how many of our personal friends we were inviting, and if they were actually good friends, or people we could cut to make room for their cousins...

and now, since my fiance is getting a new job and moving closer to me and farther away from her, she has become VERY concerned about what we do together (she's quite old fashioned).

I feel like the best thing to do would be to talk to her and try to explain how I feel and why, but at the same time I'm afraid she'll just flip out and get angry. My fiance asked her to back off on giving me wedding suggestions, and she got very upset (crying, yelling, saying things like "Fine! I'll never speak about the stupid wedding ever again!")

So.. should I say anything? let it roll off my back? what could I even say to this? My fiance is very supportive, and has been on my side.. but she is a very persistent woman.

HELP?!?!

kmmssg

If you don't talk about the wedding around her she can't jump up and say "I'll do it!"  Don't discuss it around her.  As far as her buying things, maybe FI needs to chat with her again and say, "Mom, we appreciate the thought, but we already have centerpieces (or whatever it is) taken care of.  Please don't buy things for the wedding without checking with us first - we don't want you to spend money on things we have taken care of."

jerzmom114

I agree with PP . if you do not want to hear her suggestions about the wedding, don't discuss it with her. if she asks you questions about thing you have or don't have , just tell her " we are not sure yet, we have a few idea's " and drop it. That being said, I think you should be a little more thankful that she even WANTS to help you with planning ( Is it possible she actually is just a nice person and wants to lift some of the planning stress off of you, and not trying to "control"  it?). My FMIL is a loon (among other things) and could care less about our wedding. My family has too much going on to even discuss wedding stuff, no less to help out, so me and FI are alone in this. let the little stuff roll offyour back, stay tight lipped about wedding details, say thank you if she buys you something, and don't stress out about it . Good luck

calliopeia2013

Oh, no, I disagree with the PP who said maybe she just wants to help and not control...this (especially the temper tantrum when you asked her to ease up) practically screams controlling mom afraid of losing her son.  Though I absolutely agree to stay tight-lipped about the wedding details (don't bring it up, and if she brings it up, just tell her you have things under control and change the subject) and that you should let the little stuff roll off your back.

About the buying stuff, I agree that you should have your FI tell her one more time not to buy stuff without checking if you have it taken care of first, and respond as necessary if she does it any more in the future.  If you don't mind using what she's bought, take it and say think you; if it's not to your taste, tell her you appreciate the thought but you've already bought a cake topper or whatever.

Just flat-out ignore the unsubtle hints about the cousin and family- pretend like you don't know that she's hinting, and/or keep repeating that there's no more room on the guest list.  (Unless this is a situation where you would be okay inviting them if she paid for their dinners, in which case tell her that.)

I'm not sure what you mean by how she's become very concerned- if she's inquiring into your sex life, however, your FI needs to put a very quick and very blunt stop to it, IMO.  That's one line that has to be drawn pretty sharply.  (E.g., "Mom, it is completely inappropriate for you to be asking me or my future wife about our sex lives.  It is prying and insulting and cannot happen again.")  If she's just making snide offhand comments (my grandmother is big on this) without actually prying directly, just ignore her or pretend not to know what she's talking about.

But on the whole, mostly let things roll off your back.  It doesn't sound like she's sufficiently reasonable to talk with about these things, so don't.  Ignore what you can.  And once you're married, you'll have the moral high ground to tell her off if necessary.  Glad to hear your FI has your back, too.

JaxInBlue

Ditto kmmssg.  I might also consider finding a very specific way she can contribute to your plans.  Is there some aspect of the wedding where you and FI would be okay not having final say?  It could be a little detail, in the grand scheme of your wedding plans, but it might help her to have a very specific focus for your energy.  It could be something as simple as letting her use some of her ideas at your rehearsal dinner, if she is a host for that, or something like letting her decide and arrange for your programs or place cards. 

I think that if she is helping to pay for your reception, she does have some right to ask that certain individuals are invited.  If she's not paying, you can always ask her which of her guests she'd like to cut to include those families, in keeping with whatever number of guests she was alloted on your final list.

I also agree with calliopeia.  It's your FI's responsibility to put a stop to her questioning of your time together.  Glad he's standing up for you.  Good luck!

nlindsay17

I do not agree with your MIL in the mindset that the people the cousins are living with need to be invited. Just because they are sharing a residence does not mean they need to be invited to everything the cousins are.

blues28

I agree that you should just try to not talk about the wedding with her. 

Is this her only son? Does she have any daughters? Maybe she is just really excited in planning (if your fi is an only child) and this is her only chance? 

Some people complain on these boards about family not being interested in their weddings, so at least she cares.

jmconley08

If you have to even ask, it's too much.

How much of the wedding is she paying for? If none/little tell her to chill on the guest list or just don't talk about it.

My FMIL sounds somewhat similar. She tried to get us to get hotel rooms in the same hotel so we could hang out after the rehearsal dinner (hi I need sleep) and wouldn't take no for an answer until I finally got mad.

Tell her to cut it out with the centerpieces too.

And asking about your sex life is 100% wrong. Ew.

CowgirlK39

We must have the same FMIL. Mine does very similar things, but I became very good at smiling, nodding and changing the subject. Sometimes I have to talk to her just like anyone would a small child that is excited about a toy... "Oooo yeah that IS very nice! I already have something like that though, so we may just use that instead." Also, my Fi's sister is getting married the month before us, so I use that as a way to direct her attention off our plans. "Those are neat flowers you showed me. What is FSIL doing about that?"

Keep FI as the one to be blunt towards her. Meanwhile, you can keep deflecting her without seeming like a jerk. If she keeps buying stuff, the two of you can step in together and say that its all hers now because she didn't ask you first.

birdofparadise8

Thank you guys so much! My fiance and I spoke this weekend and decided we're no longer going to discuss anything wedding related around his mother. We also realize we need to establish boundaries with her and let her know she's been rather inappropriate (yes, she did ask about our sex life...).

It isn't her only son, but probably the only one that will have a wedding. I can understand wanting the wedding to be wonderful and everything, but she isn't paying for any of it. She makes suggestions to me about things she thinks we should do, people we should invite... but she has not offered to help for any of them.

Her family is having a family reunion 2 weekends before our wedding, and she isn't going to be able to afford to go to it. She even said that it would be nice to invite a lot of them out to the wedding "so she could still see everyone, even though she can't afford to go to the reunion". Personally, I felt a little offended that she would suggest my wedding was basically her family reunion.. but that's what it feels like she wants it to be. I'm trying really hard to ignore everything, but it stresses me out just to hear it.

Thank's everyone for your responses.. sometimes it's nice to vent and know you aren't the only one getting stressed out by family! :-(