Moms and Maids

XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)

My parents are giving FI and I $1500 for our honeymoon. They're just giving us a lump sum and we can use it however we want. We decided to take a scenic drive through NM and CO, stopping at popular tourists sights and to stay within the $1500 b/c we don't have anything in the budget to add to it.

A little background . . . my FMIL has already vented last week to us that she is "putting money into this wedding that she doesn't have that she could be using elsewhere" which really irritated both FI and I b/c we never asked her for money, nor did we expect it. But she wanted to contribute (it's her only child), so I totally understand. She decided to take out a small loan and pay half the RD. Awesome! We've told her our appreciation several times, but she pulled the "money card" on us last week and tried to add more people to the guest list (after it's been final for 2 months).

She said that since she's contributing toward the wedding (only the RD!) she should be able to add more people to the guest list!! Well, that got FI and I very upset and there was a long argument that followed, but in the end, we resolved the issue and added only one of her friends, not everyone she wanted. (note: it was a decision FI and I made together. He actually told her no, but I suggested we compromise and add just one of the extra people in order to keep the peace).

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to visit her in the afternoon and just as I was leaving, she started talking about the honeymoon. She knows my parents are paying for it, but all of a sudden, she wants to pay for one of our excursions that we planned (a RR trip). I politely told her that my parents are paying for it, but she insisted. She also wanted to pay for one of the lower class tickets, but I had already narrowed it down to the top two expensive ones since it's our honeymoon and we have the funds. She said "well, let me know which one you want to do and if I can afford it, I'll pay for it." . . .

Um, ok, but we'll probably want the most expensive one since it's way nicer and you've already complained that you can't afford the RD, even though YOU offered and now you want to give us more money, but only "what you can afford"? I wish she would just come out and say "I can give you x-amount of money toward your honeymoon" or something.

I think she feels bad b/c she wants to contribute more, but at the same time, my parents already offered to pay. I don't think they'd mind too much given the situation b/c we could use the extra money from my parents to splurge on something else.

Re: XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)

  • First off, I would feel really bad if any of my family or in-laws took a loan out to fund any part of our wedding. Honestly, I would tell her to pay her loan back and not give you the money for the RD, then host what you can afford yourselves.

    My MIL is the same though. She gives us gifts which are never only just gifts because she holds them over our heads later on. I have told H that I no longer want anything from her, or her money coming into our house, which he agreed on. I would suggest that you do the same. If she tries to insist just let her know that you have everything under control and taken care of. 
  • edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_xp-need-your-opinion-sorry-a-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a64c6812-d264-43ac-a481-3e1623640f98Post:e7d39dc6-a372-4aad-954d-fcb78ed874fa">Re: XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]First off, I would feel really bad if any of my family or in-laws took a loan out to fund any part of our wedding. Honestly, I would tell her to pay her loan back and not give you the money for the RD, then host what you can afford yourselves. My MIL is the same though. She gives us gifts which are never only just gifts because she holds them over our heads later on. I have told H that I no longer want anything from her, or her money coming into our house, which he agreed on. I would suggest that you do the same. If she tries to insist just let her know that you have everything under control and taken care of. 
    Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! That's what we tried to do originally. I had already budgeted for the RD and 100% of all wedding costs. Then my parents offered to pay for the HM and FMIL wanted to contribute as well. We told her it was covered, but she insisted on paying for something, so we took her offer to pay half the RD (FI is covering the other half). I know I can't tell her what to do with her money, so I feel caught between a rock and hard place. I know she wants to contribute b/c her only child is getting married and she'll never have this opportunity again, but she also insists on paying for things she can't afford and then bringing that up as an excuse to do what she wants.

    We've already accepted the RD offer, so we can't change that - it would just cause more drama, but I think the best thing is to decline her offer for the HM.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    So, I am a bit confused.  She wants to add guests to the wedding list of the RD list?  Since she is contributing to the RD she has the right to add guests (to a point).  But if she is using the "I am paying for half the RD so I should be able to add whomever I want to the wedding guest list" then she is incorrect.  The RD and wedding are two different events.

    Like PP said, taking out a loan and getting into debt over a wedding and especially a RD is crazy.  But since she insists and you can't tell her what to do since she is a grown woman then let her pay for part of the RD....which is what you are doing anyway.

    As for your HM, I would keep telling her that the HM is booked, tickets and all.  Tell her that you truly appreciate her generosity but that since it has been booked it is unnecessary.  If she complains just ingnore it.

    Finally, if she keeps using the "I'm broke but I am helping to pay anyway" line, adimately decline any and all money and do everything yourself.  People who want to pay only to control things are rude...there is a thing about being generous and helping to pay and still being able to make some decisions but it is another when people use their money as a way to control the situation to their liking.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_xp-need-your-opinion-sorry-a-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a64c6812-d264-43ac-a481-3e1623640f98Post:c184ba4f-fb86-4891-af07-4204f36d4525">Re: XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I am a bit confused.  She wants to add guests to the wedding list of the RD list?  Since she is contributing to the RD she has the right to add guests (to a point).  But if she is using the "I am paying for half the RD so I should be able to add whomever I want to the wedding guest list" then she is incorrect.  The RD and wedding are two different events. Like PP said, taking out a loan and getting into debt over a wedding and especially a RD is crazy.  But since she insists and you can't tell her what to do since she is a grown woman then let her pay for part of the RD....which is what you are doing anyway. As for your HM, I would keep telling her that the HM is booked, tickets and all.  Tell her that you truly appreciate her generosity but that since it has been booked it is unnecessary.  If she complains just ingnore it. Finally, if she keeps using the "I'm broke but I am helping to pay anyway" line, adimately decline any and all money and do everything yourself.  People who want to pay only to control things are rude...there is a thing about being generous and helping to pay and still being able to make some decisions but it is another when people use their money as a way to control the situation to their liking.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    She wanted to add guests to the wedding list, not the RD. I agree - she is being a bit rude b/c she's trying to control things which she does not have any say in. I'm going to talk to FI and let him know that we need to decline her money since obviously it comes with strings attached.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds to me that your FMIL is jealous of your parents contributions to your wedding & honeymoon.  My MIL doesn't have much money, but kept saying she wanted to pay for a RD.  H & I both knew that was crazy, so we kept denying her assistance.  H did have to remind her how much he has to help her with her bills sometime, which I felt bad about.  But that's how his mom works, she kinda needs to get hit over the head with information to realize its not possible. 

    I would continue to deny her the opportunity to contribute to your HM.  Tell her it is already completely taken care of.  If she keeps wanting to give you more money, tell her you would prefer she pay back the loan for the RD.  Make sure that you & FI get on the same page about this.  He should do most of the talking when these subjects come up.  If you and her are alone and she brings up the HM money again, just say, I'll talk with FI about this and get back to you.
  • I agree with pps-- telling her that everything is already booked and paid for is probably your best bet. Thank her for wanting to help, but tell her that it is covered. She will eventually have to step back. It does sound like she is trying to compete with your parents. Maybe you could offer for her to help with something else instead, like WR projects or doing something the day of? That way she can feel like she is contributing something. When you decline her gift you could say, "You know, we have that all booked and done with, but we could really use your time instead."
    Photobucket
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_xp-need-your-opinion-sorry-a-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a64c6812-d264-43ac-a481-3e1623640f98Post:014dba0e-ec5e-45f4-bc97-70e30a63a2ec">Re: XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds to me that your<strong> FMIL is jealous</strong> of your parents contributions to your wedding & honeymoon.  My MIL doesn't have much money, but kept saying she wanted to pay for a RD.  H & I both knew that was crazy, so we kept denying her assistance.  H did have to remind her how much he has to help her with her bills sometime, which I felt bad about.  But that's how his mom works, she kinda needs to get hit over the head with information to realize its not possible.  I would continue to deny her the opportunity to contribute to your HM.  Tell her it is already completely taken care of.  If she keeps wanting to give you more money, tell her you would prefer she pay back the loan for the RD.  Make sure that you & FI get on the same page about this.  He should do most of the talking when these subjects come up.  If you and her are alone and she brings up the HM money again, just say, I'll talk with FI about this and get back to you.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    That could very well be true! She might be jealous and is trying to do a little more. I talked with FI this afternoon and told him what I thought was going on. I also asked him his opinion on the matter b/c he knows her better and I don't want to <em>assume </em>anything about her intentions. FI said he thinks she's just trying to "bless" us with something nice and that perhaps she wants to do this as her wedding gift. I told him that's great she wants to do that, but she's actually "taking over" my parent's blessing b/c they are already paying for the HM.

    I asked him to talk with her and explain that my parents are paying for it, it's a done deal and if she insists, then she can either buy something off the registry as a wedding gift or otherwise add more funds to the RD. He said he would def talk with her, so I'm hoping it goes well!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_xp-need-your-opinion-sorry-a-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a64c6812-d264-43ac-a481-3e1623640f98Post:416ccf46-6a11-4a9d-9e0c-3e1ec0822149">Re: XP: Need your opinion (sorry, a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with pps-- telling her that everything is already booked and paid for is probably your best bet. Thank her for wanting to help, but tell her that it is covered. She will eventually have to step back. It does sound like she is trying to compete with your parents. Maybe you could offer for her to help with something else instead, like WR projects or doing something the day of? That way she can feel like she is contributing something. When you decline her gift you could say, "You know, we have that all booked and done with, but we<strong> could really use your time instead</strong>."
    Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]

    That's a good idea. She already offered to bake bisochos (Mexican wedding cookies), so perhaps I can focus on that and keep thanking her for her generous contribution and perhaps I can think of something else she could help with . . . hmmmmm
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards