Moms and Maids

Maid graduation on wedding date

I just got word that my cousin is graduating college on my wedding day, shes in my bridal party. She didnt call me herself and instead had her mom call my mom and suggest that I change my (already contracted) date. Would it be wrong if I suggested that she step down if she'd rather be at her graduation?

Re: Maid graduation on wedding date

  •  Is your wedding really more than 2 years away?
  • It is, i booked it for 5/17/14, needed some time to save since we are paying it all on our own

  • Yes it would be wrong of you to ask her to step down.  You asked her so whether or not she is in your wedding is her call, not yours. If her graduation is two years away, how does she already know the graduation date?  I don't remember getting the actual date for graduation ceremonies until my senior year.
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  • that was my 1st thought but its actually on the website for her school already.
  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2012

    With the graduation being over 2 years away, it could certainly change.

    You shouldn't have asked your WP over 2 years in advance anyways, but what's done is done.  No, you do not ask her to step down.  Allow her to make that choice, but don't end up being the bratty cousin that asks her to step down.

    ETA:  not implying that you ARE the bratty cousin btw....just don't end up being one is what I meant ;)


  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    Ditto PPs.  Also, participating in graduation may not even be on your cousin's radar right now.  Her mom might be thinking about it, but your cousin might not have even considered the date.  It may be that in two years, your cousin will not want to participate in the large university graduation.  I'd wait until her final spring semester and worry about this then, at which point it's her call to participate in graduation, your wedding or both if she can.

  • your OP seems to have disappeared, but I'm guessing the title gives the jist of it..

    How far into planning are you?  Is the date set in stone (deposits made, STDs sent out)?  If it's REALLY important to you that this friend be there and you can move your date you might want to think about it.

    If you can't move the date then it's up to your maid.  I knew plenty of people who didn't walk at their graduation ceremony by choice (decided to take a trip, or just didn't want to sit through the hours of other people's names for 3 seconds on stage).  So your maid might chose your wedding over attending her own graduation.  But I'd try to be supportive and let her know that you understand whatever decision she makes.  Graduation is a bigger deal to some than others - maybe her parents have been dreaming of seeing her walk and she wants to give that to them, etc. 

    Try not to pressure her too much :-/
  • kdnyyfankdnyyfan member
    First Comment
    edited March 2012
    yeah i see it disappeared, its actually my cousin and she didnt contact me herself, she had her mom call mine(theyre sisters) and suggest me changing my date of 5/17/14 ive already signed the contract for my hall and dj and 5/17 was picked bc we originally wanted june but the hall negotiated for may and suggested may 17th which happens to be my parents anniversary so it had extra meaning. its just hurtful b/c if it were the other way around I'd have no issie missing graduation, esp since she's going for her masters and will have another graduation the following year.
  • Your cousin has no control over her graduation date. You should respect that it's important to her and her family to attend the graduation. With your wedding date more than two years away, there's a good chance you could renegotiate the date, without losing anything. If you don't want to do that, then risk that your cousin, aunt and uncle might not attend your wedding.
  • Yeah the way she went about telling you totally sucks :-(  and like you I wouldn't have a problem missing graduation, but to each their own.  Unfortunately you can't make her skip it so your only choices are to change it or hope she comes / be prepared for her (and possibly that aunt/uncle) to miss it
  • FI's sister changed her date because I couldn't turn down being an RA, which saved me over $10,000 and my boss said I had to be in the training. I feel this is something you do for your VIPs. Did you check with her being signing contracts? I wouldn't set a date until I knew my immediate family & bridal party could attend. 

    That said, you need to be understanding if she chooses to attend her graduation. Also, are they around the same location? If her graduation is morning/early afternoon, should could possibly make it to the reception?
  • her graduatrion is 5 hrs away and she was completely aware of the dates before I signed anything. Also its aggrevating me bc she didnt call me and hasnt returned my phone calls. I feel like I at least deserve an answer from her as to whether or not she'll be attending so I can get on with planning things, such as the brunch I was planning for when she was out of school so all the girls I could meet
  • Did you know the graduation date before you signed? Is it possible that she didn't ask her mom to call your mom? It might be that the mom is the one who doesn't want to miss the graduation.

    Two years ahead is very early to be choosing a wedding party and planning bm brunches. You have plenty of time.

  • If my niece were getting married on my daughter's college graduation I would attend my daughter's college graduation.  I would also be very disappointed if my daughter chose not to participate in her college graduation - whether it is her first bachelor's, 2nd or 3rd, Masters ( or 2nd or 3rd) or Phd.  I'd be sorry to miss the wedding, I love my nieces very much but I would really be disappointed if my kids didn't attend their graduation ceremonies.
  • Really?

    Your cousin deserves to go to her own graduation. She can't ask her school to change it. She's probably worked hard for that, and she shouldn't have to give that up, and her parents shouldn't be deprived of seeing their child graduate from college. I know my graduation ceremony was a bigger deal for my parents than for me, and I think they would have been really upset if we all had to go to a wedding that day instead.

    I don't think you should have to change your wedding date either though. You can't plan around every person's schedule. Some people won't be able to make it to your wedding. There will be other festivities she can participate in - shower, bachelorette, etc. I know that might put some family members in a tough position having to choose, but such is life. 

    It's pretty wonderful that your family will be having two really positive life events happening on the same day. 
  • Agreed, but if OP changed her date because every guest/WP member had an issue, she will never get married! You don't just ask someone to change their wedding date for you, even if it's 2 years away.
  • If she is that important to you, change the date. It's two years away. I can't imagine you would lose your deposit. I understand it is also your parents anniversary and that is neat, but it utlimately comes down to what is more important to you. Her or the date.

    You have two years to "get planning" brunches and things and maybe she feels bad and doesn't know what to say or hasn't decided yet on what she wants to do.
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