Should I let my mom do this?

B&K10+13+12

I just want to say that I love my mother dearly, and am greatful for everything that she has done/ is doing for me. That being said, she is making me crazy!  She keeps insisting that FI and I ask his mom if she would like to contribute anything financially to our wedding.  Now, she is threatening to give FI's mom a call and ask her herself since I refuse to do that.  I have explained to my mother several times that I do not feel comfortable asking her to contribute anything to our wedding.  If she offers that's one thing, but to ask her is just wrong.  I really don't want my mom to call and ask.  My FMIL is a wonderful lady, but has a hard time speaking her mind, and my mom can be a little "pushy" at times.  While I love my mom and we are very close, I really cannot support her doing this.  However, since this seems to be a losing battle, I'm beginning to wonder if I should just back off and let my mom do this.   I know my FMIL is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, I just really hate the thought of my mom calling and asking.  Opinions?    

RaptorSLH

This would be a bad idea.  You would be better off having your mom give you a fixed contribution she's comfortable with, or planning something simpler that you and your FI can afford yourselves, if she is uncomfortable with the amount she is spending.  Where is your dad?  Can he run interference?

ElisabethJoanne

Here's what I would do: Let your mom know you're going to see/talk to your future mother in-law. Then see/talk to your fmil. During that time say, "We're starting to plan the wedding, and we're starting to set a budget." Then see what your fmil says. It might be "I'd like to contribute." It might be "Strangely warm weather, isn't it?" Whatever she says, tell your mother you have discussed wedding finances with your fmil. If your fmil does decide to contribute, you can tell your mother that, but not how much.

If your mother presses, just say you've had all necessary discussions with your fmil.

B&K10+13+12

That's not a bad idea!  I think we'll try that one.  It's actually my mom and my dad who are helping (sorry for being unclear).  My dad is pretty much staying out of planning because it's not really his "thing".   Also, FI and I were going to just have a small (but fabulous!) Vegas wedding, but my mom decided she did not like that idea and very graciously offered to help us with a bigger wedding locally. 

megkells

I think when people get married it is sometimes hard for parents to see all the relationships involved, beyond their own kids. I think this tunnel vision comes only from love. That being said, if she is being "pushy", and asks your FMIL for help, that would be rude and I wouldn't blame FMIL for being irked if she was. Everyone has their own way of giving. Maybe FMIL will give a gift on the wedding day, or maybe they can't or don't want to. Sounds like your mom needs a loud and clear message. You're an adult, and honesty keeps relationships close.

B&K10+13+12

Great advice!  Thanks ladies!

MairePoppy

Your mom sure is pushy. As the parents of the bride, we have decided what we can afford to contribute. It is none of our business if or what the groom's parents decide to contribute.

kas1957

I was a mother of the bride a few years ago and we were in the same situation. We had no idea if groom's parents were going to contribute anything to the wedding, even the rehearsal dinner. Son in law just printed off the list ( from the Knot) of what the groom and family usually cover. He showed his parents, who in turn stated they did not want to contribute at all. We just needed to know so we could budget accordingly. On the other hand, I have had several friends who had daughters and the in-laws contributed very generously. Maybe your fiance can have the conversation with his mother,that way she wouldn't feel pressured if she had no desire to contribute. I am now a mother of the groom and will  make an offer to the bride's family once we know more details. Hope this helps.

thirtytwoyears

wow, that was kind of harsh... I don't think there is anything wrong with a son having a conversation with his parents regarding the cost of the wedding...I don't however recommend the bride's parents doing so...

B&K10+13+12

After reading the responses above, I think the best thing is to have a very firm converstaion with my mom about this.  We have asked his mom before if she would like to be included with the planning, and she seemed interested in doing so.  I figured if she would have wanted to contribute she would have mentioned something then.  Part of my mom's problem is that when FI's brother got married, his mom was pretty much asked by the bride and groom what she wanted to pay for (which I thought was pretty awful).  So my mom is under the impression that she is waiting for us to do the same.  I still am not going to do this. 

thirtytwoyears

Sounds like a good idea... good luck!

B&K10+13+12

Thanks!  Lol I'm going to need it.

Elinetrouwt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-let-mom-this-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a91580c6-258f-4b71-b80e-669821af27d9Post:6f042f71-14b7-4526-802e-de93399eab10">Re: Should I let my mom do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's not a bad idea!  I think we'll try that one.  It's actually my mom and my dad who are helping (sorry for being unclear).  My dad is pretty much staying out of planning because it's not really his "thing".   <strong>Also, FI and I were going to just have a small (but fabulous!) Vegas wedding, but my mom decided she did not like that idea and very graciously offered to help us with a bigger wedding locally. </strong>
Posted by B&K10+13+12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is so wrong. It is not for your mom to decide what kind of wedding you'll have. If you prefer the Vegas one, I suggest you go ahead with it. If your mom wants something bigger and offered to pay for it, than that is her responsibility and she should definitely not be pushing your future inlaws. When she brings it up, remind her that she is the one who wanted this, and that other people not necessarily want to or should contribute to her vision of a wedding.

</div>

B&K10+13+12

If someone wants to throw us a big party celebrating our marriage, then I'm game.   

I should also add that I am very thankful that my mom is doing this for us.  I'm really not upset about not having the Vegas wedding that we were planning.  I'm sure it would have been a blast, but I would hate to look back years from now and regret not having a wedding with all of my family and friends.  

I'm planning on discussing this issue with her tonight. 

lenergyrlah

Ask your mom how much she wants to contribute.  If it's $1000, plan a $1000 wedding unless you can afford more or FMIL offers to contribute.  If it's $100,000, great, guess you don't need any more money anyway.

I think it's a whole lot easier to fix the contribution amount up front, rather than "I'll pay for your dress."  Then later on you're arguing about whether the dress you love is too expensive.

joyfulhappy1

I like that you are going to talk to your mom about this. Its sounds like your mom is assertive, not pushy and she's trying to get an idea of how much money to contribute. Its really the responsibility of your fiance to talk to his mom and have a heart to heart talk with her about finances, money is always a touchy subject. No one is reqired to finance any of your wedding, therefore your fiance needs to approach the subject with this in mind.