Future In-laws refuse everything

RichelleA

Aright since day one of their son asking me to marry him they have been giving me so much crap about the wedding I want. I want a fall wedding with all my family and friends there. I want an ivory dress and want my girls in long dresses. They kept saying 100 people on a boat are what they were thinking. IDC I feel like it’s my day and I am going to get what I want. I think it is their responsibility to have the groomsmen dinner because my parents are paying for everything else. When I told them my guest list for the party they said only 20 people could come. The bridal party and the parents make 20. How do you tell the people who are paying for the wedding they can’t come? (My grandparents are helping big time). Also they want to have it outside at MY parent’s house and want me to ask them if that’s alright. There will be a lot of people stay at my parents so I feel like if it’s there we have to invite them to eat with us. The newest thing is they (in-laws) don’t want to wear a tux or dress. He doesn’t like the color and she said she doesn’t like to dress up. THEY ARE THE PARENTS OF THE GROOM!!! I need to know how you would handle this. I really want them to look nice and match my family in pictures. Not only that but I feel like they got what they wanted for their wedding now it’s my turn and I have told them it was important.

momofayden

Plan the wedding you want and can afford, including the rehearsal and send them an invitation. tha't all you can do really.  If they choose to wear blue jeans to their son's wedding they will look stupid not you.  some things you are just going to have to let go of because it's out of your control. 

lharri12

Agree with PP.  Your future in-laws are not responsible for paying for the groomsmen dinner (whatever that is), unless they offered to pay for it.  Have the wedding you and your FI can afford.  If your in-laws are not paying for anything, they do not get to tell you where your wedding should be or how many people should be invited.  Avoid talking about wedding plans with them.  If they bring it up, tell them that you've got everything under control.  If they make a suggestion, tell them that you appreciate their input, but you've already decided to do X,Y,Z.

But whatever you do, don't say "It's my day, and I'm going to get what I want."  That sounds bratty.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-refuse-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a988ad85-827c-416b-b9db-acd520843c10Post:bd4b901d-a095-4cca-8efb-5937ac79986f">Future In-laws refuse everything</a>:
[QUOTE]Aright since day one of their son asking me to marry him they have been giving me so much crap about the wedding I want. I want a fall wedding with all my family and friends there. I want an ivory dress and want my girls in long dresses. They kept saying 100 people on a boat are what they were thinking. IDC I feel like it’s my day and I am going to get what I want. I think it is their responsibility to have the groomsmen dinner because my parents are paying for everything else. When I told them my guest list for the party they said only 20 people could come. The bridal party and the parents make 20. How do you tell the people who are paying for the wedding they can’t come? (My grandparents are helping big time). Also they want to have it outside at MY parent’s house and want me to ask them if that’s alright. There will be a lot of people stay at my parents so I feel like if it’s there we have to invite them to eat with us. The newest thing is they (in-laws) don’t want to wear a tux or dress. He doesn’t like the color and she said she doesn’t like to dress up. THEY ARE THE PARENTS OF THE GROOM!!! I need to know how you would handle this. I really want them to look nice and match my family in pictures. Not only that but I feel like they got what they wanted for their wedding now it’s my turn and I have told them it was important.
Posted by RichelleA[/QUOTE]

<div>They do not have to contribute anything. If they are contributing to the RD then you need to go with the flow or just pay for the RD yourself. </div><div>
Yes, you can be annoyed if they dress up in something that isn't formal, but you can not force them to wear certain attire. The way they dress will only bring negative comments on themselves not you. You may want them to look nice for the photos but its all up to them if they choose to dress themselves in that manner. Take a breather and let it go. </div>

bethsmiles

You sound like a brat. They don't have to pay for anything. And if they tell you they can only afford a certain # of people at the groomsmen dinner (whatever that is) then that is the # that gets to go unless you pay for yourself. As for attire, they are grown-ups you don't get to tell them how to dress. If they come under dressed it won't be the worst thing in the world.

I feel like you really need to take a step back from all of this and get some perspective. Its not YOUR day. Its yours and your FI's day. Nobody is required or has a responisbility to pay for anything except you and your FI. His parents are allowed to have opinions, you don't have to listen to them but they are allowed to have them.

If their attire is that important to them have your FI talk to them since they are his parents. If you don't want thier opinions don't talk wedding around them. And if you want more people at the groomsmen dinner then you pay.

aerinpegadrak

DH's parents didn't pay for a thing.  They gave us a bit of cash as a wedding gift (his mother before, his father after), but not really enough to contribute to wedding expenses.  I never said a single word to them about it, because that wasn't my place.

MairePoppy

They do not have to contribute, at all. You should not be assigning financial responsibilities to anyone else. If they are hosting and paying for the RD, they are in charge of it. If you want to invite the grandparents, which I think you should, you should contribute some $$ of your own or pay for the whole dinner yourselves.

I absolutely agree that if the party is at your parents home then your parents should have a say about the guest list, even if your fils are the hosts. What would they do, otherwise, tell their houseguests to stay inside?

The parents don't have to match or complement the wedding party, the decor  or each other. You can tell your FFIL that your father and the men in the wedding party are renting formal wear at such and such a place. He can use that same option or wear something of his choosing. Same with FMIL. Describe what your mom is wearing, but let her pick something that suits her own style.

Kristin789

Your parents need to call FMIL and talk to her about all of this.
Your parents are hosting the wedding, so they deal with this.

Sure, it's hella rude but often people who are the age of FI's parents think they can manipulate someone who is their son's age.
When they get a call from someone their own age, they most often back off.

I mean, if your parents were hosting a dinner party and the main dish was baked chicken, so you think FI's parents would call and try to manipulate your mother into serving chicken kiev?  If your mother had decided that the dessert would be apple pie, do you think FMIL would call and try to manipulate the dessert choice to be chocolate ice cream?  Of course not.

Well, your parents and your grandparents are hosting this wedding event, and FI's parents really shouldn't be trying to manipulate it into some dinner cruise with the wedding as cruise entertainment.

[Deleted User]

I agree with the pp's. You and/or your FI need to tell them nicely it is not their decision. This is exactly what my mom tried to do with us and I put my foot down. They are not paying for a damn thing nor has she lifted a finger to help with anything and we are planning this from out of state. I tell her nicely everytime she tries to get her 2 cents in the situation.

Another thing that might help is to watch what you say around them with regards to the planning and what not. Leave them out of it if need be and it helps your stress, etc. That is what I have done with my parents. It has helped tremendously.

graysquirrel

Agree with others that you should just plan what you want and leave them out of it. If they aren't paying, they don't get to make any calls. It is very rude of them to tell you to have it on a boat and to have the groom's dinner (aka rehersal dinner for those of you who don't know) at your parents' house. That floors me! If they want to have a picnic style meal, they should have it at their home or a park. I don't understand why they'd want it at your parents home unless they just want to get out of it. Perhaps you should tell them just what you told us: that your parents are hosting a number of people so it wont be possible. And like others have said, if they come to a formal wedding dressed like that, they will look stupid. Has FI talked to them about it? Perhaps he can explain that it will be formal dress and that they will need to dress up for a few hours to honor his marriage.

Simply Fated

I'm confused... your parents are paying for the wedding, but your Future In-Laws are dictating who can and can't come to it?


What's a groomsmen dinner, btw? I've never heard of it before. Is it like a Bridal Luncheon or something?

lindej2

A groomsmens' dinner is another way to say the rehearsal dinner. Different parts of the country say it different ways.

Trishes

Sooo... you're complaining because these adults won't wear what you want them to wear, and won't spend their own money on what YOU want them to spend it on?

Seems like a little perspective is needed. If you don't like what they're offering to help with, don't accept their help.

Meg1979

I agree about attire.  They are going to look like fools, not you.  They are adults (well...I mean, kind of, it sounds like they are having hissy fits) and they get to wear what they want to wear.  They are the only ones who are going to look stupid.

As far as who is paying, you can't compel them to pay.  They can contribute if they like or not.  However, if they are not HOSTING the wedding then they don't get to arbitrarily say that certain people are not invited. That's how it goes.  What do you AND your FI want?  Do you want the same thing in this wedding?  Does he want a wedding on a boat?  Or are you just steamrolling over any idea that isn't yours? 

sarah42nd

Wow i  read the OP but not all the PPs. I hear alot of I this and I that . I think that I should be we ( FH and You ) . DO what makes you and FI  happy .