Moms and Maids

Re: [Closed]

  • You'll hear this a lot:  it's your wedding, not hers.  For her, your wedding is one day.  For you, it's a time-consuming monster until that day comes. 

    You ask people to be bridesmaids because you want to honor them for being your close friends and being there for you throughout the time you've known them.  You don't ask people so that they can be enlisted to do crapwork that you and your FI should be taking care of. 

    Furthermore, she has pretty explicitly told you what the problem is.  You have wedding tunnel vision, and it sounds like a very one-way relationship where it's all about you and your wedding.  Make some time for her and ask her how her life is going.  It's pretty simple.
  • It sounds like she's all talk about wanting to help out.  Yes, it sucks when someone says they'll do something and then back out of it, but there's nothing you can do about it, and I'm guessing your friend has always been this way.  

    All she has to do is show up on time in her dress, stand by you, and maybe smile for pictures.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  

    Personally, I would just stop asking her for help b/c it sounds like she's just not interested.  If she's upset because she never gets to see you anymore, suggest a girls' night out where neither of you is allowed to talk wedding.  That will give her some time with you away from your FI.  
  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-just-wants-to-weat-the-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a99b0bca-92b1-4d0f-be3c-096b1edc15a6Post:23a6781e-20dd-4471-b80a-6ad6f61a64c0">Bridesmaid just wants to wear the dress.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay so I've been friends with one of my breidemaids since we were fourteen. We've been very close but since I told her my fiance and I had set the date, she has fallen off the map. I actually tried to take her out of the bridal party, but she just insists that she wants to help but when I ask, nothing gets done. She didnt' go dress shopping with me (or respond the photo I sent her of the dress) which really hurt more than anything, or go cake tasting. I asked her if she still wanted to be a part of the wedding after being blown off more than once and she got all defensive saying its my fault for spending "all my time with my fiance". She has actually told me that my asking her to help look for and pick out decorations was a waste of her time and treats anything I ask her with a huge amount of sarcasm. The thing is, she says she wants to help but when I ask her for it nothing is important enough for her. She actually told me that she didnt go dress shopping because she didn't think it was that important to me. REALLY? Its my wedding dress, duh its important.I just dont know what to do.
    Posted by katecastillo12[/QUOTE]

    Bottom line:  This is your wedding, not hers.  If you need help then tell your FI that he needs to start helping.  It is not the duty of the BP to help you with any planning.
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  • Just stop asking for help then. I wouldn't kick her out. As another said. She doesn't even have to help with a thing. All she needs to do is have a dress and be there. She can say she wants to help all she wants but her actions speak way louder then her words. And if she doesn't want to help then that is fine. That doesn't make her any less of a friend. 
    Either she isn't a reliable person or something else is going on in there. 

    But it is up to you to just suck it up, be the bigger person, attempt to mend the friendship and move on. Fighting fire with fire will get you absolutely no where.
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  • Don't kick her out. Like others have said, you and your FI should be doing the planning and the work to put your wedding together. If someone else offers to help and you accept, fine. But I would stop asking for help since she obviously has other things going on or isn't interested--both are fine. I would drop it. Realize that other people will probably not get as excited about your wedding as you are. I'd focus on just trying to be a good friend and talk about non-wedding-related things with her.


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Don't  kick her out. The only thing you need her input on is her dress. Ask her for a budget, let her and the other bms know when you will be shopping for dresses. If she doesn't show, make the selection without her. It sounds like your friend isn't in to weddings. Please don't take it so personally.
                       
  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    Ditto PPs, you don't kick her out because she has done nothing wrong.

    Also, it was very underhanded of you to ask her if she was still interested in being in the bridal party, I'm sure that has something to do with the sarcastic remarks.
  • This may sounds harsh, but honestly I would just let it go. Don't try and kick her out again. If I were in the same position as her, I would be upset that you "tried to kick her out" already. It isn't a requirement that she go cake tasting, pick out decoration or shopping for your dress. I know that she offered to help, but sometimes life just gets in the way. Is this kind of behavior newfor her? Maybe try asking her out to dinner and talk to her about what's going on in her life. Sounds like she is getting sick of all the wedding talk and just needs some time with her friend.
  • You are out of line and it has probably cost you a friendship since you tried to kick her out already. I think you have wedding brain since it appears you asked her before you even had a date and it sounds like you have been only wedding talk and recruiting for wedding. If it isn't too late maybe you can reach out to her. Take her out for coffee apologize, ask her what is going on in her life and do not mention the words wedding, bridesmaid, marriage, or fiance
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  • You did not ask this girl to be in your BP because you wanted a planner.  You hire people for that task!  She has no obiligation to you other than purchasing the dress, arriving sober, be on time the day of the wedding...that's it!  No one will view your wedding with the same importance that you will and do.  
  • The thing is, I did not ask her to bepart of the bridal party, she volunteered herself for the position as soon as she found out we were engaged even going so far as asking why she wasn't a maid of honor. But I guess ya'll are right, obviously, because I've gotten such negative remarks about myself in response. Quite frankly, attacks on me are not appreciated when you know about 300 words about the"  relationship" between us. Didn't expect  to basically be called a b**** for trying to find a solution to a problem.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-just-wants-to-weat-the-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a99b0bca-92b1-4d0f-be3c-096b1edc15a6Post:f8873bf8-29e2-44cf-a249-6a44422f05ec">Re: Bridesmaid just wants to wear the dress.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is,<strong> I did not ask her to bepart of the bridal party, she volunteered herself </strong>for the position as soon as she found out we were engaged even going so far as asking why she wasn't a maid of honor. But I guess ya'll are right, obviously, because I've gotten such negative remarks about myself in response. Quite frankly, attacks on me are not appreciated when you know about 300 words about the"  relationship" between us. Didn't expect  to basically be called a b**** for trying to find a solution to a problem.
    Posted by katecastillo12[/QUOTE]

    If you didn't want her in your wedding party you should have told her you were all set with bms. Once you said yes, she became a bm and you can't kick her out without looking like a bridezilla. That is not an attack. It's honest advice.

    Do you normally have a difficult time with people disagreeing with you? Or is this short sightedness limited to your wedding planning?
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-just-wants-to-weat-the-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a99b0bca-92b1-4d0f-be3c-096b1edc15a6Post:f8873bf8-29e2-44cf-a249-6a44422f05ec">Re: Bridesmaid just wants to wear the dress.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is, I did not ask her to bepart of the bridal party, she volunteered herself for the position as soon as she found out we were engaged even going so far as asking why she wasn't a maid of honor. But I guess ya'll are right, obviously, because I've gotten such negative remarks about myself in response. <strong>Quite frankly, attacks on me are not appreciated when you know about 300 words about the"  relationship" between us. Didn't expect  to basically be called a b**** for trying to find a solution to a problem.</strong>
    Posted by katecastillo12[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, but where exactly were you being attacked or called a biiitch?  Just because we are telling you that you are wrong, doesn't mean we are attacking you.  It's the truth.  You can take it or leave it, it's your friendship on the line here, not ours, but don't pretend like we're all terrible women for telling you the truth.

    If you really want a solution to your problem, you should apologize to her for acting like a bridezilla for trying to kick her out.  Then adjust your expectations of what a BM is supposed to do, you can still invite her to wedding things, but you absolutely can't kick her out for not attending.  Then let her stand up with you on your wedding day, have lots of fun, marry the man of your dreams, and live happily ever after.  Problem solved.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-just-wants-to-weat-the-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a99b0bca-92b1-4d0f-be3c-096b1edc15a6Post:2fc25704-8099-4d4c-b2ce-b0bcf7cb11c8">Re: [Closed]</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and don't quote the Knot about wedding party "duties".  Their job is to make money, and make sure everyone spends as much as possible.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

    This.  Read that list again and see how many of them deal directly with money, either the BM or the B&G.  Almost every single one of them.  TK is a WEDDING site, guess where they make their money?  Do you think you care if you have any friends left at the end of it?  As long as they make their money off you, they don't give a shiiit how many relationships they ruin in the process.....
    Anniversary
  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-just-wants-to-weat-the-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a99b0bca-92b1-4d0f-be3c-096b1edc15a6Post:f8873bf8-29e2-44cf-a249-6a44422f05ec">Re: Bridesmaid just wants to wear the dress.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is, I did not ask her to bepart of the bridal party, she volunteered herself for the position as soon as she found out we were engaged even going so far as asking why she wasn't a maid of honor. But I guess ya'll are right, obviously, because I've gotten such negative remarks about myself in response. Quite frankly, attacks on me are not appreciated when you know about 300 words about the"  relationship" between us. Didn't expect  to basically be called a b**** for trying to find a solution to a problem.
    Posted by katecastillo12[/QUOTE]

    Maybe she volunteered herself because she wanted to wear a pretty dress and stand up with you the day of the wedding.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    All we have to go by is what you write in your post, so maybe the next time you should include additional information so that we don't start "attacking" you for not knowing the full relationship.

    Oh and I agree with the other posters and all the ADVICE and CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM (which are the words I am assuming you meant by stating that people "attacked" you) they gave you.

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