GRRR FMIL

Keb1216

I am not too thrilled with my FMIL. Last friday was my birthday. My family came down (to NC) from Ohio for the weekend. Friday night we had a party for me.

When my FMIL was leaving, I mentioned that my FI's stepmom (who lives in CA & I've never met) wished me a happy birthday on FB, and that she's been having a lot of parties and has a nice kitchen. NBD to me.

FMIL calls FI on Saturday (before FI, family, and I are going out for my birthday-which FMIL was going to also, but changed her mind a week before) & cries to him that I've hurt her feelings. FI gets upset with me, and makes me call his mom. She was upset with me because I called E (the stepmom), a stepmom. I thought that's what she was! And that I said she has a nice kitchen, and a lot of parties. REALLY? Why should that matter to FMIL? FMIL told me that she raised FI, and that I hurt her feelings. That I'm not to refer to E as the stepmom. And that I wouldn't understand because my parents are still together. She was also upset that I have a relationship with SM. I told her she took my comment out of context, and she said she didn't. I apologized to FMIL, even though I didn't really think the things I said were a big deal. I'm now upset with her for starting crap when my family was over.

On Monday we had a meeting at our reception location, with our caterer. The meeting was set for 2:00. FI, family, & I arrived at the reception location about 30 minutes early. Our caterer did not arrive till 2:20. And FMIL showed up at 3:00!! She walked in said a general hello, never took off her sunglasses & preceded to ask all the questions we had already gone over. My FI had to go over everything with her.

A few weeks ago, FMIL & I met with a florist (who also happens to be her neighbor). We decided on having an arch made out of branches, and having it at the entrance door way. When I got the quote from the florist yesterday, it had the arch located behind the sweet heart table. I emailed him, and asked if we were having two arches, or had it been moved. He wrote back "the arch has been moved from the door way, to behind the sweet heart table." No explination as to why. In his email it said that it was an "estimate based on what we spoke of in our consultation and per phone with you FMIL." So that means, after she saw the reception space, she called him & moved the arch with out talking to my FI & I. Granted she is paying for the flowers. I would be ok with the arch moving, if it had been explained to me. Plus I don't see the point of an arch, if you can't walk under it. Both FI & I are upset & supposed to be going to FMIL's house for Christmas.

This might seem petty to some, but to me it ticks me off.

graysquirrel

I can see where that would tick you off. Even though she has a right to have a say since she is paying, she should at least let you know what she is doing. That isn't very kind. I also agree that her reaction regarding the stepmpm seemed overboard. She may have some pain from whatever family drama happened, but she has to realize that you have a right to a good relationship with the other woman. You didn't do anything wrong and were mature to apologize even though you didn't outrightly mean to insult her.

I guess in the future I would say to stop your wedding planning with her if she is immature and bothersome. Is she paying for anything else? If so, you are going to have to deal with her antics. If it is to the point where she is driving you nuts, you could always decline the money.

Simply Fated

"When my FMIL was leaving, I mentioned that my FI's stepmom (who lives in CA & I've never met) wished me a happy birthday on FB, and that she's been having a lot of parties and has a nice kitchen. NBD to me." How did it come up in conversation? You said she took it out of context but she disagrees. So... what was the context?

RiRi157

Do you really think praising her Xs wife to her face was ok.   Do you think any X wants to hear about the new wife.  You didn't think or you wanted to make her feel bad.  You were wrong,I'm sure she is thinking GRRR FDIL.

So she was late, so was the caterer, are you also pissed at him.

She should have talked to you about the flowers.

RiRi157

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a9a7c1c4-b41a-4057-a8b5-0df31d769e2bPost:5da6177a-61d0-4c4f-ac69-9c832b086d62">Re: GRRR FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see where that would tick you off. Even though she has a right to have a say since she is paying, she should at least let you know what she is doing. That isn't very kind. I also agree that her reaction regarding the stepmpm seemed overboard. She may have some pain from whatever family drama happened, but she has to realize that you have a right to a good relationship with the other woman. You didn't do anything wrong and were mature to apologize even though you didn't outrightly mean to insult her. I guess in the future I would say to stop your wedding planning with her if she is immature and bothersome. Is she paying for anything else? If so, you are going to have to deal with her antics. If it is to the point where she is driving you nuts, you could always decline the money.
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]


Are you kidding, how would YOU like it if your MIL talked about one of your DHs Xs.  
You'd come hear bitching how you dont think his mom should be friends with the X.

MairePoppy

I have a few friends that went through messy divorces because of the other women (now the wives) and financial scumbaggery on the part of their exes. They chose to spare their children the gory details of the divorce, so they would still be able to have relationships with their fathers. These women are fine human beings who suffered unthinkable losses and didn't want their children to suffer along with them. That beautiful kitchen might have been paid for with your FMIL's retirement account - that's what happened to my best friend.

If FFIL married #2 after the children were already grown, then the Step-mother title is probably unwarranted. Does your Fi have a relationship with her and call her his Stepmother? You should take his lead on that.

I believe that you were not trying to upset your FMIL, but now that you know that your FFIL's wife is a sore subject, a little sensitivity is called for on your part. Do not talk to either woman about the other, EVER.

Don't assume that your FMIL made changes to the floral arrangements. That could have been an error on the part of the florist. You or your Fi should ask her about it in a non-confrontational way. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Good luck with your planning.

StephBeanWed61502

I really don't get how she could get her panties in a twist over the use of the phrase "stepmother". If the woman is married to your FI's dad and isn't his bio mom, she is, in fact, his stepmom, regardless of her level of involvement in FI's life or how her kitchen was paid for. That aside, why is your FI backing up his mom instead of you? Does he agree that you were out of line, or is he that afraid of his mom? How do you feel about he fact that he defended her instead of you? Personally, I'd be more upset with FI than with FMIL in this situation.

RaptorSLH

The context is the divorce.  For whatever reason, FMIL is still bitter.  Call the stepmom what she wishes to be called, but don't discuss her with FMIL anymore.  

If she's making changes behind your back to punish you, it's time to reevaluate what you can pay for without her help.  Make sure funding for the critical elements is coming from someone other than FMIL, and tell those vendors that only you or FI are authorized to make changes.  If she's paying for the flowers, you're probably stuck there.

And you and FI need to have a talk - both about his family relationships and how to navigate them, and about his throwing you to the wolves.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a9a7c1c4-b41a-4057-a8b5-0df31d769e2bPost:03d934ed-e83d-4ffe-a447-d53d69416a37">Re: GRRR FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't get how she could get her panties in a twist over the use of the phrase "stepmother". If the woman is married to your FI's dad and isn't his bio mom, she is, in fact, his stepmom, regardless of her level of involvement in FI's life or how her kitchen was paid for. That aside, why is your FI backing up his mom instead of you? Does he agree that you were out of line, or is he that afraid of his mom? How do you feel about he fact that he defended her instead of you? Personally, I'd be more upset with FI than with FMIL in this situation.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. I mean, I refer to my "stepmom" as my dad's wife, but that's a personal choice. I'd never get so bent out of shape if someone referred to her as my stepmom. </div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a9a7c1c4-b41a-4057-a8b5-0df31d769e2bPost:bd9761bf-cedc-4268-9215-0433b0a85b77">Re: GRRR FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: GRRR FMIL : All of this. I mean, I refer to my "stepmom" as my dad's wife, but that's a personal choice. I'd never get so bent out of shape if someone referred to her as my stepmom. 
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]



FI has a stepmom, and even though the divorce between his parents was rocky and his relationship with her is basically just polite, he refers to her as his stepmother in conversation because that's what she is - to me, this is the same as referring to someone who marries your uncle as your aunt, even if she's awful and BSC. I guess it never occurred to me that stepmother was a title that had to be "earned" or something because of the way my FI uses it.

And I get that there is a divorce involved, but how long does FI's mom get to be BSC about it? A year? Five? Twenty? Whatever the history, I don't think it excuses FMIL pouting like a child and using her son to strong-arm the OP into a completely unnecessary apology.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a9a7c1c4-b41a-4057-a8b5-0df31d769e2bPost:573070fd-7456-45f3-8651-822bcbcaf35d">Re: GRRR FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: GRRR FMIL : FI has a stepmom, and even though the divorce between his parents was rocky and his relationship with her is basically just polite, he refers to her as his stepmother in conversation because that's what she is - to me, this is the same as referring to someone who marries your uncle as your aunt, even if she's awful and BSC. <strong>I guess it never occurred to me that stepmother was a title that had to be "earned" or something because of the way my FI uses it. </strong> And I get that there is a divorce involved, but how long does FI's mom get to be BSC about it? A year? Five? Twenty? Whatever the history, I don't think it excuses FMIL pouting like a child and using her son to strong-arm the OP into a completely unnecessary apology.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't either for the first 10 years of my life (and if other people don't want to see it that way I don't take issue with that-like I said it's personal) but this woman never was and never has been any kind of "mother" to me. She abused me physically and verbally throughout my childhood/adolescence, then denied it to my father. Believe me I have issues with him too for basically putting her before me, but he and I have tried to make amends. She and I do not acknowledge each other's presence, let alone speak. I only tolerate being around her so I can see my half siblings. I started referring to her as my dad's wife after I moved out at 16.  </div><div>
</div><div>I completely agree with you on everything else about the OP situation though. </div><div>
</div><div>Edited for clarity.</div>

simplestlife

I hate to say it, but I can sort of see it from your FMIL's perspective. I agree she's behaving like a child, but I understand WHY she might  be acting that way.

First, why would you bring up the stepmom to the ex wife? I get that you didn't think it was a big deal, but in terms of common sense, you don't start talking about someone's ex-husband's new wife unless you know for certain they are on friendly terms. I've had people discuss my ex-boyfriend's new GFs with me, and while I certainly didn't react the way your FMIL did, a part of me wondered why the flip someone would think I would want to know how sweet and lovely my ex's new love is. And then you question their motivation for bringing it up. 'Are they trying to get a reaction out of me?' 'Do they think she's better than me and just wanted to be sure that I knew that?'

Add into this the fact that this woman could have been involved in adultery with her ex husband, and you can see why you might have used poor judgement in bringing her up in the first place. She's right. You don't get it because your parents are still married. Divorce if a crappy, painful, experience no matter what the circumstances are. You don't get why it hurt her because you've never seen a parent go through a divorce.

Second, it sounds like when you apologized you did it half-assed. You were saying sorry because you had to, not because you seemed genuinely concerned that you had hurt her feelings. She probably got the sense when you were talking to her that you thought she was being dumb, which probably made her feel worse that the woman marrying her son didn't really care when she had offended her and made her feel crazy for being upset. So now maybe feels a little isolated from her son.

And yes, she changed some things with the flowers without asking. You hurt her and she's being petty. She might just be trying to get you to call her because she's still upset and is trying to create a reason for you to call again to hash things out completely.

There is a LOT I don't know about this situation so I don't know if any of these "what ifs " are actually true. 

That being said, if you love you FI, suck it up and extend an olive branch one more time and really try to see things from her perspective. It sounds like you aren't great at admitting when you made a mistake. Apologizing, then admitting in the same conversation that what you said wasm't a big deal, isn't really apologizing. Normally you could stand your ground, but if you want to preserve the relationship, suck it up and really try to hear her.

em01092

OP, can you explain a little more how the stepmom was brought up? If you 100% did so on your own, then I have to say that was a little odd, but still doesn't give FMIL to act the way she did, IMO. If she dragged you into it though by bringing up FIs dad and new woman, that's a different story. 

And regardless, I still say she is totally crazy for freaking out over the stepmom title. If that is what you thought she was, presumably from hearing your FI refer to her as such, then that's what he'd like for her to be called and your FMIL has no right to say what she should or should not be called. Like PPs said though, just don't bring her up anymore, or maybe refer to her by her first name if necessary. 

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a9a7c1c4-b41a-4057-a8b5-0df31d769e2bPost:bb567ec2-814a-4e86-87c7-01de9249773e">Re: GRRR FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: GRRR FMIL : I didn't either for the first 10 years of my life (and if other people don't want to see it that way I don't take issue with that-like I said it's personal) but this woman never was and never has been any kind of "mother" to me. She abused me physically and verbally throughout my childhood/adolescence, then denied it to my father. Believe me I have issues with him too for basically putting her before me, but he and I have tried to make amends. She and I do not acknowledge each other's presence, let alone speak. I only tolerate being around her so I can see my half siblings. I started referring to her as my dad's wife after I moved out at 16.   I completely agree with you on everything else about the OP situation though.  Edited for clarity.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

<div>This makes a lot more sense - I guess I was assuming that OP's FI's stepmom was just a normal person who he maybe doesn't know all that well (like my FI's stepmom, she's normal and nice, they're just not close).  I completely understand not wanting to use any version of "mom" to refer to someone like your dad's wife though, so if OP's case is more like yours, then I get FMIL's reaction a little better.</div>

Keb1216

My FI's dad & mom were divorced when FI was four. FI's dad moved to CA & eventually remarried. FI's dad & stepmom had a kid. FI's dad used to fly from CA to PA a couple times a month to be with FI. FI's dad passed away in 2001. I never had the chance to meet him. SM & sister are in CA still. I've never met them. I'm nice to them, because I was taught to be nice to everyone. I don't know why i said what I did. But I did & can't take it back. Maybe my apology was half assed. But I still don't believe I'm wrong. Thank you all for your help! I won't bring up SM while around FMIL. Merry Christmas!!

em01092

There is a way to make peace without fully admitting guilt. Say that you are sorry you made her feel that way (hurt), because that was not your intention. IMO you were not wrong, but perhaps just a tad thoughtless for bringing up the stepmom to her not knowing the details. I would just try to understand FMIL's side, how you suddenly bringing up the stepmom to her might have seemed odd, and seeing as how there may be some behind the scenes stuff regarding the divorce (as PPs mentioned) maybe it just didn't occur to you that this would hurt her so badly. You can't take it back now but you can prep for future awkwardness. And yes, she definitely reacted childishly. 

I had to do this when FMIL was mad at me about FI and I not wanting kids at the wedding (and this meant a lot of kids from FIs side could not attend). FMIL tried to make me seem like an awful person for it and she pitched a fit, claiming I did not love or care about her family, even though my FI was completely behind me. I refused to apologize for the aspect of not wanting kids, but I did apologize for making her feel hurt over the situation. She took it personally when I did not mean for it to be, so I saw no harm in apologizing there. 

Merry Christmas! 

joyfulhappy1

Its sad but true your FI mother has not worked through this hurt in her life, if this happened when he wa 4, that's a long time to hold onto grief. I don't know all the reasons why FI mom and dad split and maybe he doesn't know either, I mean he was only 4 when they split, but nevertheless try to overlook her outbursts and be the better person.  Its not really about you anyway and I don't mean that in a calloused way, I mean that the mom has some real deep hurts that she needs to deal with and seems like she feels like she was replaced by FI's dad for whatever reasons and he created a new family and a new life without her and she still is holding onto those hurts and grudges against FI's dad and you got stuck in the crosshairs of this ongoing battle she has in her own mind.  Maybe she moved the arch or ordered another one, its really about her having control to feel like she is the mom and not the stepmom, she wants to be acknowledged as the mom and the one who raised her son, obviously she feels that the dad of your fiance replaced her with this new woman and now that he's gone none of you will ever know the reasons why they all got divorced. I for one think it was good of you to swallow your pride and apologize to her, even if you didn't agree with it. Your fiance is stuck in the middle too and he hasn't figured out how to deal with his mom's grief either.  So he gives in and makes himself look like a wimp, but I don't think that's what is really going on here.  My advice to you, acknowlege this woman as his mom and ask her to share memories of her raising him as her son, let her pour her grief out to you and watch her heal.  You may be the link that helps her see that she has value as his mom and she doesn't have to be controlling in order for people to acknowledge that she matters.