Question for Moms: My Fiance (Groom's) parents announced they are not comming to the wedding? Compl

pandas0328

Hey Moms,

We have an interesting situation and it seems to be pretty uncommon because we can't find any advice online.  Hopefully you can give us some perspective!  My fiance and I have been living together for about 4 years, and recently we got "officially" engaged.  We let everyone know, and at that point, his parents seemed really excited.  In the past, we have had a great relationship and they were actually asking for quite a while when we would tie the knot. 

We had a meeting to set a date and secure the venue and my fiance asked his parents to come along.  They did not respond (kept giving answers likie, "oh we'll see"- never a yes or no.  Later, they didn't answer the phone so we could confirm yes or no).  My fiance was actually really hurt.  We haven't asked them for anything (ever, really) and he just wanted his parents support.  He wants them to be involved.  He expressed how he felt to his Dad today (we went last night) and told him that he was hurt that they didn't come.  (I think they went shopping instead).  Anyway, they finally said that they acctually don't like me (bride) and they are worried that thier son is making the wrong decision.  I should also mention that we are 25 and 30, both with very good jobs and structure in our lives. 

What could be causing this?  It seems like a complete 180.  We really don't mind if they disapprove, but it would have been nice to know ahead of time.  I have a feeling like there is something more going on but I don't know what it could be.  Jealousy?  Insecurity?  Any thoughts?

Thank you all for your help (and congrats on your upcomming celebrations!!)

RiRi157

What could be causing this,, are you kidding.

They said they didn't like you, that would be more than enough for me. 
Why did your Fi even tell you this.

What happened to if my child is happy I'm happy. 

Simply Fated

WTF? Why would they be jealous? Out of curiosity, how does one become unofficially engaged? Honestly, it sounds like they aren't interested in details. But that doesn't mean they don't care at all.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-moms-fiance-grooms-parents-announced-not-comming-wedding-complete-180-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa13873b-2989-4e9f-b76d-6537ebfecf9aPost:604797e9-1962-4644-8313-b14246ae2559">Question for Moms: My Fiance (Groom's) parents announced they are not comming to the wedding? Complete 180, what is going on?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Moms, We have an interesting situation and it seems to be pretty uncommon because we can't find any advice online.  Hopefully you can give us some perspective!  My fiance and I have been living together for about 4 years, and recently we got "officially" engaged.  We let everyone know, and at that point, his parents seemed really excited.  In the past, we have had a great relationship and they were actually asking for quite a while when we would tie the knot.  We had a meeting to set a date and secure the venue and my fiance asked his parents to come along.  They did not respond (kept giving answers likie, "oh we'll see"- never a yes or no.  Later, they didn't answer the phone so we could confirm yes or no).  My fiance was actually really hurt.  We haven't asked them for anything (ever, really) and he just wanted his parents support.  He wants them to be involved.  He expressed how he felt to his Dad today (we went last night) and told him that he was hurt that they didn't come.  (I think they went shopping instead).  Anyway, they finally said that they acctually don't like me (bride) and they are worried that thier son is making the wrong decision.  I should also mention that we are 25 and 30, both with very good jobs and structure in our lives.  What could be causing this?  It seems like a complete 180.  We really don't mind if they disapprove, but it would have been nice to know ahead of time.  I have a feeling like there is something more going on but I don't know what it could be.  Jealousy?  Insecurity?  Any thoughts? Thank you all for your help (and congrats on your upcomming celebrations!!)
Posted by pandas0328[/QUOTE]

What would they have to be insecure about?

2012FutureMrsB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-moms-fiance-grooms-parents-announced-not-comming-wedding-complete-180-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa13873b-2989-4e9f-b76d-6537ebfecf9aPost:f6adc890-aa4c-42b9-a09b-5d919c93eb9d">Re: Question for Moms: My Fiance (Groom's) parents announced they are not comming to the wedding? Complete 180, what is going on?</a>:
[QUOTE]WTF? Why would they be jealous? Out of curiosity, how does one become unofficially engaged? Honestly, it sounds like they aren't interested in details. But that doesn't mean they don't care at all.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I know the whole "official/unofficial" thing is not TK approved, but I don't think that's the main issue going on here. My understanding was that OP and BF were living together, which perhaps indicated to others that they planned on getting married, but weren't engaged yet, so maybe that's why OP used the word "officially" - but again, that's not her main point.

OP, first of all, congratulations on your engagement! Second, I have no idea what could be going on. I know you asked "moms" and I'm not a mom yet, but I would keep planning your wedding b/c it's you and your FI who matter the most in this situation and try to wait it out. There's gotta be a reason, but who knows at this point. Make an effort to spend more time with them and get to know them better. Maybe that will help them adjust to the fact that they're son is getting married.

Good luck!

Kate61487

I recommend the book "What Do You Want From Me" (link) It's pretty fascinating to see the in-law relationship from the other side; and it may help you understand your in-laws a little better, and look at your interactions more neutrally.

Your in laws might be having a hard time dealing with the fact that their "little boy" is growing up (although he's not so little).  Perhaps they're concerned that you'll change him, or prevent him from seeing them as much.  Or perhaps you've done things, unknowingly, that made them think you're not right for their son.  Who knows.   The fact is it seems you were okay for a girlfriend, but they don't feel you're right as a wife. 

I can sort of relate to this, in that my brother has dated some girls who were perfectly nice as his GF, but frankly I didn't feel like they were good enough for him long term. Yes, I'm a judgey mc judger pants, but I can't change how I feel.  And that might be where your FILs are coming from.

Now comes the question of how you deal with it.  I really do recommend the book, because maybe it will help you see something and you can change that and improve your relationship.  Basically you can try to improve the relationship (which may be futile) or you can go on with your lives knowing they don't approve.  It sucks, but you can only do so much :-/

ETA:  Still invite them to the wedding.  I seriously doubt they'd actually skip it, because they probably don't want to completely alienate their son.  If they do skip it I'm sure it will be really hard on your FI, but other than love and support him there's not much else you can do...

pandas0328

Simply Fated - Unofficially engaged, just meant that we  have been engaged for years but have been saving to fund our own wedding.  W efinally were ready to do it and secured the date.  Thank you for the perspective...you are right that they may not care about the little things, but could care overall.

pandas0328

zitiqueen - Thanks for the reply.  This was actually my fiance's (groom's) guess.  He knows his parents have been through tough times lately financially, and his dad is a very proud guy.  My FI and I are both very stable, we planned and planned and saved forveer, didn't have kids young etc. and on the phone my FI's father mocked him saying "Enjoy your perfect little life in your perfect little house with your happy little family" in this weird voice and it really threw us for a loop.  That is the only reason he thought that may be an issue.  Very strange.

pandas0328

Future MrsB - Thanks for your reply and support!  What is the issue with unofficially engaged?  Sorry, new to the community   I just meant that we have been engaged (he proposed years ago) but we have been saving and saving and are finally ready to set a date (and we did!)  Thanks for the help!

pandas0328

CMGR - Thank you so much.  This is very helpful.  I think it goes back to it being me and him in the end, and as long as we are happy and he and I both feel like this decision is right, it will be (even if there are issues outside of us).  Thank you again, and congrtulations on your "baby's" wedding

pandas0328

Kate - Thank you for your kind words.  I will pick up the book. I know it must be hard for someone to let their loved-one move on with someone who is different from the vision they had in mind (your analogy to your brother was great)  I have felt this way too about guys my sisters have dated, so it works for me.  It must be so much harder with a son (and a first son, at that).  Hopefully I can mend the relationship for my FI sake.  We arae still inviting them, even though my FI doesn't want to anymore.  I can't picture them missing it even if they don't agree 100%.

2012FutureMrsB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-moms-fiance-grooms-parents-announced-not-comming-wedding-complete-180-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa13873b-2989-4e9f-b76d-6537ebfecf9aPost:c6f44ef9-8684-476f-8d00-341d2092df50">Re: Question for Moms: My Fiance (Groom's) parents announced they are not comming to the wedding? Complete 180, what is going on?</a>:
[QUOTE]Future MrsB - Thanks for your reply and support!  What is the issue with unofficially engaged?  Sorry, new to the community :)  I just meant that we have been engaged (he proposed years ago) but we have been saving and saving and are finally ready to set a date (and we did!)  Thanks for the help!
Posted by pandas0328[/QUOTE]

People on TK don't like the words "offically" or "unofficially" engaged. You will get flamed for that ("flamed" basically means criticized). You are either engaged or not engaged. Just an FYI.

Note: I learned this the hard way b/c my FI and I knew for a almost a year that we wanted to get married before we actually got engaged. In fact, people even introduced me as his FI before we considered ourselves "officially" engaged lol. So . . . . I totally understand where you're coming from, so just wanted to give you a heads up.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-moms-fiance-grooms-parents-announced-not-comming-wedding-complete-180-going?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa13873b-2989-4e9f-b76d-6537ebfecf9aPost:01c131c7-a2b6-4368-924f-7e38c2893e66">Re: Question for Moms: My Fiance (Groom's) parents announced they are not comming to the wedding? Complete 180, what is going on?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I had a very short engagement (2 months) followed by a small church wedding.  After the wedding we took off 1100 miles away to start our new life together. Our mothers had known each other since before we were born.  Our families had been aquainted for more than 150 years.  To put it bluntly, our mothers hated each other. His mother sat crying in a corner at the short reception.  They weren't tears of joy.  She said her son was making the worst mistake of his life. My mother dressed in a very low cut gown and flirted outrageously with FOG.  Neither of them spoke to each other. It didn't matter.  MOG forgave me when I presented her with her first grandchild - the baby girl pictured below.  When we visited (rarely), we would spend a few days at his parent's house, and then a few days at my mother's house.  The houses were two block apart.  I never told MOG what I thought of her behavior.  It wouldn't have done any good, and it would have just made more trouble. His mother died about 11 years after the wedding.  My mother is 88 years old, and still outrageous and nasty about my husband. You can't fix a broken family.  If you plan to marry this man, you must be prepared to accept his parents.  Stay quiet.  Don't stir up trouble - they have enough already.  They may come around when they see the grandchildren. PS.  I'm willing to bet that they will be at your wedding.  Pretend this isn't happening.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Absolutely!!!!  Ignore the drama.  If there is no fuel to feed the fire, the flame goes out!