Mom vent.

ivelissed

Sorry about this but I need to vent.

I'm paying for my wedding and I haven't included my mom much in any of the planning.  She started complaining about it so I decided to include her in teeni tiny stuff.  But she really stresses me out.  I don't want her involved in the planning any more, and now she knows so much that I don't know how to tell her that she's not involved.

See, she likes to push people to do what she thinks it's right.  Like for example, we were in my car and I asked her "Mom, you and me have the same hair, I would like to do like a 40s hairstyle for my wedding, do you think I can do it myself?"  And her answer is "you should wear it straight".  She didn't answer my question.  And when I tell her that I don't want it straight she starts insisting that I should get it chemically straightened two months before and wear it completely straight for the wedding.  And I keep telling her that is not what I want, I want my hair wavy and that she should respect my choices instead of keeping insisting on her ideas. And she says that she's respecting them!  Come on!! She has a low self esteem, so since she has curly hair, she always puts me down for having curly hair.  And I freaking LOVE my curly hair.  I would wear it curly every day if it didn't take so long to dry naturally!  Plus she said that my husband won't like me if I wear my hair curly during the honeymoon!!!  Please, what am I supposed to do, blowdryit for an hr everyday I head to the beach? ugh!!!

Plus, if I tell her anything, she goes running to my grandma and tells her, and then my grandma tells half the town.  Nothing in my wedding will be a surprise because of her!  When I told her, she's like "I haven't told anything to your grandmother" of course she did!  The day before she was suggesting that I gave tiny fans instead of big ones at the ceremony because "grandma said so".  Come onn, I havent told grandma about the fans... who did???? ugh! so pissed.

And she hates everything and then starts asking about what she doesn't know like the cake or invitations.  And when I told her I won't tell her anything she's like " you already ordered them, it doesn't matter if I don't like them"  But I do care, I'm her daughter, I want her to respect me as an adult and realize that we can have different tastes while staying very classic. 

I thought this wouldn't happen to me.  I was so sure that I was going to keep her out of everything and just not have to deal with her at all.  So mad at myself for letting it happen.

KatyRoseM

If your able you can stop telling her things.  I understand this is hard as your mom seems to be pushy, and that can be hard.  Why don't you try not telling her things you know will make her go off on you.  You know her hair is an issue, so avoid talking about hair.  Also, if you can sit her down and talk to her about how she talks to you (while not talking about other things like hair or telling people things).  That might give you the best chance of dealing with her.  You can tell her you are an adult and she should treat you like one.  That you care about her opinions but how she expresses them is hurtful.  It might help, it might not, some mothers just can't seem to get that they have an impact and are hurting their children, but it might be worth a try. 

MairePoppy

I wish I had curly hair.
You asked her opinion about your hair and she gave it to you. You are just going to have to control what you say to your mom. You already know she tells Grandma everything and Grandma is a walking bulletin board. Pick and choose what is okay to share with the world and then you won't have anything to worry about.

erin579

i feel your pain, my mother has been a complete mom-zilla!  Luckily i live 6 hours away and signed the contract for the venue BEFORE i told her that the wedding would not be in my hometown thus making the planning somewhat easier, though she still calls to aggrivate me ..........good luck, hopefully you will be able to look back on all of this and have a good laugh, that's what i am looking forward to.

Muffin'sMom

Don't talk about it, and if she asks you why then tell her.  Mom, I'm not telling you any more details because you share with Grandma who couldn't keep a secret if you paid her a million dollars.  I love you, but I want people to be surprised when they come to the wedding.  Then change the subject!

trix1223

muffin'smom, you are just so smart.  OP:  You've been given a wonderful way to handle this.  Do what muffin's mom said.

But please also understand that if you ask for an opinion, your mom will give it to you.  So if you don't want her honest idea:  don't ask.

I'm sure your mom's been thinking about your wedding for a long time.  And I'm sure that just as you have a vision, she's been carrying one around in her head of the day her little girl gets married.  Sometimes it's just hard for mom's to realize that their kids are all grown up.

GL to you.

ivelissed

thanks everyone! You're awesome!

I guess these are things I have to deal with.  Now it's this, then it'll be when I'll have kids (trust me, she's already pushing about it), then it'll be on how I raise my kids.  I would like her not to be pushy but that's her, she's always been like that and now that I'm an adult (and have learned the proper way to reply to your mother) I think she has realized it, but she still has trouble controling herself. The other day she was insisting on how it was great to get married at the cathedral and how I wouldn't feel "married" if I didn't get married there. I realize that it was her dream to have a big wedding and she never had. So, very politely I told her that I would feel married regardless of where I got married.  When she tried to insist on saying "trust me, you wouldn't feel married".  I thought wtf, but I said "mom, I can't tell you how you would feel about something because I'm not you, same way I have my own feelings and you can't tell me when I would or wouldn't feel a certain way, because you and me are different people".  She just stared at me.  It was even funny.  I guess she was impressed at how logical I sounded because she said "you should apply for law school", and in my mom's world that's a compliment beacause she's a lawyer. 

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I feel a lot better today.  I guess that I was upset yesterday because of all the stress due to me spending the long weekend with them and having them talk about the wedding (and about their not yet concieved grandkids) all weekend! hahaha