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FMIL Issue with the Bridal Shower

Okay so the background.  About 2 months ago by FMIL asked what the plan was for my bridal shower.  I told her that my family would be throwing it and that she would be invited along with anyone she wanted.  She kept saying I won't do that I need to contribute.  I ask my FI to tell her that its really okay, my family wants to throw the shower and invite my future family and friends as a way of welcoming them.  All of a sudden my FI is flooded from nasty calls and texts from his father, mother, and sister about how my family is so awful and rude and uninclusive.  I am upset about this because up until that point I thought things were going well.  His mother demands that her name be put on the bridal shower invitation (even though she will not be hosting).  I call his mother and let her know that I dont want her to feel left out but it will still be a shower hosted by my family and she is invited to go.  She is extremely cold and doesn't say anything other than thanks for calling.  So my family goes ahead and orders the invites and I ask his mom for her list.  She only invites 3 people (does not include any of his family, all of whom we see at family gatherings).  I ask her if this was a mistake and she says no.  So FI calls her to find out why his side of the family isn't invited she says because she is "embarrassed" and "humiliated" inviting them to something she didn't contribute to.  I don't get how this is embarrassing especially since she had no problem inviting her 3 good friends.  So I am upset at this and so is my FI.  We are just going to invite his family (aunts and one cousin) without her approval.


What do you think about this?  Is there anything that I can do?  I have tried to talk to her and make her feel more included but I get no response other than coldness.

Re: FMIL Issue with the Bridal Shower

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    Easiest solution is to have 2 showers.  The one your mom is hosting and if she wants to host one, then let her.  At that one, she can invite her family & friends.  Problem solved.
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    I agree with Jager.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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    From a recent MOB, hoping someday to be a MOG: Since your family is hosting, they are under no obligation to allow your FMIL to help out or to co-host. I don't understand, though, why they turned down her offer if they knew it meant a lot  to her to help. If the invitations haven't been sent, yet, I'd ask your mom to reconsider FMIL's offer.
                       
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue-with-the-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab6031fb-17cb-4bca-8164-f1003c0d840fPost:e6db6187-43a5-43ff-9e1a-8d3a753bc2c8">Re: FMIL Issue with the Bridal Shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]From a recent MOB, hoping someday to be a MOG: Since your family is hosting, they are under no obligation to allow your FMIL to help out or to co-host. I don't understand, though, why they turned down her offer if they knew it meant a lot  to her to help. If the invitations haven't been sent, yet, I'd ask your mom to reconsider FMIL's offer.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    I get this, but at the same time I get the point the OP is making.  My mom and BM's are coordinating to throw my shower.  My mom will be calling my FMIL once they have chosen a venue to figure out how many extra spots (in addition to the family members from FI's side I already gave my mom) she has so that FMIL can add some of her friends are.  Mom and I are both anticipating FMIL will try to offer to help/host the shower because she tends to want to be involved with everything.  While it's a very nice gesture, this is something my closest friends (and mom) are doing for me, and they want to keep it that way.  I think they would feel insulted if FMIL paraded in throwing money around and tried to change a lot of their planning.  If FMIL of the OP is so embarrassed, she can offer to host her own shower.
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    I would allow mom to continue planning her shower. Invite fiance's family and FMIL. Let FMIL know that you would love for her to come to your moms party and that if she wants to throw her own party you would love that as well. Then stop letting them stress you out about it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue-with-the-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ab6031fb-17cb-4bca-8164-f1003c0d840fPost:31255d1b-d5c9-4298-a3cd-c6329293bcda">Re:FMIL Issue with the Bridal Shower</a>:
    [QUOTE]The FMIL is obnoxious and rude. She can throw her own shower if she wishes.  The MOB was under no obligation to allow anyone to horn in on her party.  That's like calling up another parent and getting snotty because they won't let you help host their kid's graduation party.  Good grief. The bride certainly shouldn't ask her mom to allow someone else to help.  She stays out of the planning of her shower for good reason, and this is one of them. ....and people wonder why family-hosted showers are an etiquette breach........
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
     
    Obnoxios and rude????? Horn in on the MOB party, your kidding.

    Why, because she would like to share the hosting of the shower.  There is nothing wrong with her wanting to help. If your mom wants to do it herself thats fine, so  why can't she call FMIL and talk it over with her.  Sounds like she feels like she should be paying for her guests.  
    My mom called my FMIL and spoke to her about the shower.
    Your mother should be talking to her, telling her she can host her own shower with her family invited.  

    Most of you have complained on the knot about ILs that dont want to be part of the wedding now you have one that does and you still complain. Is there no middle ground. Are most MOB unwilling to share the planning.  

    Lets not forget it's also HER sons wedding.
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    edited January 2013
    I agree with you ilovemike, I don't think the MOB is obligated to allow the MOG to help with her shower, but it would have been nice to include her.  Maybe the MOG has been difficult in the past, and OP didn't mention it.

    I do think the MOG is over reacting, though. I missed somehow, that she is harassing her son about the shower and giving the bride the cold shoulder.
                       
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