Giving my parents an ultimatum

borkwedding

My parents were always against me dating. It made high school pretty hard, but things got easier when I was in college and after I graduated and found a job. They never have tried to meet any boyfriends I've had even if we invite them along to outings, dinners, etc. They always avoided that subject.

I've since moved out of my parents' house, I have a good job, and I've found an amazing man who I am so in love with. He proposed a few months ago, and we are now in the process of planning our wedding. My parents were certainly less than happy. When I announced my engagement, my mom said, "I can't think of anything nice to say, so I'm just not going to say anything." My dad didn't say anything. They didn't speak to me for several months, even going so far as to throw me out of the house when I went to visit them on Christmas.

Now we're getting to the point where we are booking venues, etc. I wanted at least some input from my parents, even though I'm not asking them to pay for a single penny of anything. When I brought up the topic of the wedding, they went on and on about how weddings are so much of a waste of money and how people in general should just elope. They also scolded me for being a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding, saying it's "a ripoff". After they finished that rant I said, "so does that mean you're not coming?" My mom coldly replied "Well, why should I?" This is after months of them saying horrible things like "we should have aborted you" and "I hope you get knocked up and have retarded, deformed little bastards."

I'm just so hurt by this. They ask me for favors all the time, I do errands for them once a week, and I feel like they're just taking advantage of me. I'm so excited to be marrying my fiance, but to have them constantly being negative about it is so draining. I do errands and help them out in the hopes of trying to rebuild a relationship, but it's so one sided and I'm disappointed that they can't just show up and shut up for a few hours. I'm considering giving them the ultimatum: show up or get out of my life for good. I'm sick of extending the olive branch just to be stabbed in the heart. Is this unreasonable?

staar987

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

First, why are you doing errands for them? They aren't nice to you. It sounds like you have been doing it for awhile and the relationship hasn't changed yet. Personally, I would stop doing these things for them.

I have a toxic parent. I tried for years to have a relationship with him and was always disappointed by his actions and his absence. I cut him out of my life and he didn't bother to try to contact me. A week before my wedding, he sent me nasty text messages saying horrible things and calling me awful names. I was devastated. I posted on here, got some great advice and amazing support. They also helped me realize that I really did need to keep him out of my life and get help for myself.

So I do understand a little of what you are going through and how hard it is. They are both being really toxic to you and there is no relationship there. I can't tell you what to do, but I would cut them both out of my life.

If you decide to keep them in your life, you need to tell them that you will not be treated that way and if they start, leave. Don't do them favors or errands. They know that you will do these things for them and they are using you.

Whatever you decide, you should see someone to help you. Trust me, I resisted this for a long time, but once I did it, I realize how much my dad sill had control over me even though he wasn't in my life.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are going though this. We are here if you need to talk.

ETA: I can't spell today

AddieCake

How.....odd. Is this a cultural thing? Did they have someone better in mind for you?  Did they expect you to just be a spinster? 

I would say stop talking about the wedding with them. They have made their feelings clear, and their constant rejection is only causing you pain. Send them an invitation, and forget about the rest of it. 

MairePoppy

Your parents are abusive. The things they have said to you are cruel. You should tell them ' I don't want you in my life until you get some help with your mental health issues.' You should probably get some counseling, on your own, to help you separate yourself from those horrible people.

Best wishes to you as you start your new life with your fi. He is your family now.

Salsera29

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with PP that you should get some couseling...parents like yours damage your self worth so badly, it is very difficult to overcome on your own.

Defintiely take the other advice above and stop talking to your parents about your wedding. You need to lower your expectations of them. If you keep hoping they will come around and be supportive, you will continue to be hurt. People who can say those kind of cruel thigns to their own children will not change without counseling of their own.

winelover123

Oh dear - the things they said to you are horrible. Stop running errands for them and extending the olive branch - it sounds like you've given them the whole dang tree. If you'd like to try and keep a relationship with your parents, send them an invitation and that's it. Don't talk wedding, stop running their errands, just keep a cordial relationship.  If they show up, they show up. If not, well, you have some thinking to do. If you have no interest in a relationship with them, make a clean cut. Either way, counseling for yourself sounds like it would be beneficial to healing no matter which option you choose. No, you are not being unreasonable.

lyndsay782

WOW!  Just Wow.  Your parents are terrible.  Not only should you not talk to them about wedding stuff, but I would go so far as to suggest that you stop talking to them about anything.  Like some of the PP's said, I do suggest some form of counselling so that you can learn how to get by without their approval (or lack there of).  

And Kudos to you for not listening to their insults, and being the person you have become.  They may be your parents, but I don't think anyone who knows how they talk to you would disagree with you decision to cut them off.  

erinlin25

Ditto the advice of PPs and just wanted to add a BIG HUG.  Sorry your parents are being horrible-- cut ties now and I hope you have a supportive FI-- start a new life with him.  Your parents do not deserve to be a part of it.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-my-parents-an-ultimatum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:abfb8fc1-a6fb-4cf2-a75b-1154b7b606c6Post:886223ff-eaf0-4401-8068-bd9982d49076">Re: Giving my parents an ultimatum</a>:
[QUOTE]Your parents are abusive. The things they have said to you are cruel. You should tell them ' I don't want you in my life until you get some help with your mental health issues.' You should probably get some counseling, on your own, to help you separate yourself from those horrible people. Best wishes to you as you start your new life with your fi. He is your family now.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly.</div>

kerbohl

If they say such horrible, horrible (and uncalled for) things before the wedding, what might they say on the wedding day?  This will be a day for you and FI to be happy.  If your parents are like this all the time, I personally wouldn't want them at my wedding.  I think you have to weigh the pros and cons of having them in your life.  At the very least though, in this case an ultimatum is absolutely justified.  Good luck to you, and please don't listen to some of the toxic things that they say!

Meghannsix

I agree with PP's.  Stop extending the olive branch, and get into some counseling.  You cannot change what others do, only how you react to it.  I know it's hard, they're your parents and you feel like you should have a relationship with them, but it doesn't sound like it's going to be that way.  I had a confrontation with my mother last summer, about her similar behavior (though not that heinous), she denied everything, and asked me what my problem was.  We've tried to speak once or twice since, but she always ends up telling me how disrespectful I am (I asked about her health, was she going to any Ravens games, did she want to go to a bridal show)  I finally just stopped trying, and I'm a happier girl for it.  Good luck and hugs to you!

Wife Kitty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-my-parents-an-ultimatum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:abfb8fc1-a6fb-4cf2-a75b-1154b7b606c6Post:853c860a-e807-4e1c-acf2-1c254c6d4433">Re: Giving my parents an ultimatum</a>:
[QUOTE]Consider what will happen if you have children.  They won't warm up and mellow....this will present them with another generation to manipulate and abuse.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This. Exactly. This.

It's horrible enough that they treat you so cruelly. It's horrible enough that they refuse to acknowledge your fiance and have made it clear that they don't want you to have a life with him.

Think of how much worse it would be if they were ever allowed near your children. You don't want them growing up thinking that it's okay to treat people that way, do you? And you definitely don't want them to grow up thinking that <em>they</em> somehow deserve to be treated that way.

When someone says something as disgusting as, "We should have aborted you," then, to say the least, there is no relationship there that's worth establishing, let along saving. They will never be the parents you deserve, or the grandparents your children deserve. I hope with all my heart that you and your fiance are able to get counseling and permanently cut them off.