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NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .

2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I really shouldn't let it get to me, but since FMIL and I really don't "click" I just can't seem to shake a comment she made a couple weeks ago. My dress arrived and I asked if she wanted to come over and look at it (my mom lives out of state and helped me pick it out, so I'm trying to include FMIL by showing it to her and then asking her to my fittings). Anyway, she came over and I excitedly got it out and was showing her  the beautiful beadwork and the design, etc.

Then I explained that originally I didn't want a big poofy ballgown dress, so I tried this one on without a slip under it. Before I could even continue, she cut in and said "well, not to be rude, but with your - um - 'figure' - a poofy dress probably wouldn't look good on you." (Um, well, FMIL, let me finish my story . . .)

So then I explained that after trying on the dress with the slip I really liked the extra poof after all! And then I told her as politely as I could that this dress is very fitted around the waste/stomach and gives me a really nice wasteline and the poof actually helps to make my waste look smaller.

She didn't really say anything after that. Oh well. What really bothers me is her comment about my "figure". I just can't seem to shake it off. I am overweight, yes, but I actually have a lot of really nice curves (which FI loves) and I've lost almost 30 pounds for goodness sakes and am still dropping.

So it shouldn't be a big deal, but I keep replaying it in my mind. On the flip side, though, it has kinda given me motivation to keep losing weight - like an "I'll show you!" attitude.

So that's that. Feel free to comment or share your own story . . .



ETA: She didn't say it in a rude tone, she really was trying to be "nice" but the comment itself got to me.
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Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .

  • JacklovesSarahJacklovesSarah
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited January 2012
    Ah FMIL are always saying something that just doesn't sit right. Mine does it too. Little ticking timebombs to let you know that you aren't treating her sweet little boy correctly. Don't let it get to you. You might have unknowingly walked into it, but it wasn't a nice thing for her to say either. My mother told me to just hang in there and that one day, your mother-in-law will come to your rescue with something.

    She might have just said something and it didn't come out the way she meant it. We've all done that, I think. She might not even realize she insulted you.

    Take it as a good sign that she came over to bond with you!
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  • blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2012
    There is no excuse for rude. I do not think you invited her comment at all. you were being nice and asked if she would like to see the dress.

    She knew she was being rude when she said "not to be rude..."

    You did not ask for her advice on if she thinks poufy would look good on your figure or if she thought you were too curvy. She was just wrong.

    It's sad that she would feel the need to insult you.

    EDIT As PP said, it's possible she didn't mean to insult you. Try to ignore it and move on. You are happy with your figure and your FI is happy and that's all that matters. There's enough pressure on women to look a certain way we don't need it from family too.
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:05918c41-5e7c-4eb9-929a-314e56647447">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]You set yourself up.  You asked her to come look at the dress.  She didn't say what you wanted her to say.  She could have been nicer, but you did ask her to see it.  Next time, don't ask.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Um. I'm totally confused. I did NOT ask her to comment on my weight. That's the part that bothered me.
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2012
    Thanks for your comments! I think getting it out verbally (well, in writing anyway lol) has helped me to just let it go. I know it was NBD, so I'm just gonna try to forget about it.

    Thanks!
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  • RaptorSLHRaptorSLH member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2012
    *hugs*

    Sorry your FMIL is a tactless, insulting boor.  Congratulations about the weight you've dropped, and good luck with the continuing effort.  And don't be ashamed of flaunting those curves!
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    Whenever I hear someone say, "Not to be rude....." I always think "too late, you are about to open your mouth, say something rude and then hide behind the Not to be rude thing."

    I would leave her out of the fittings and include her somewhere else.  I would forgive the first one, but I would never set myself up for her to do it again.  Maybe she can look at flowers or centerpieces with you.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Most five year olds are taught that it's not appropriate to tell someone they are fat. Her comment, at best, was thoughtless. Give her a pass, this time, but don't bring her to your fittings. If you feel beautiful in your dress, that's all that counts.
                       
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  • owengirl996owengirl996 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I agree that it was a rude thing to say...rude tone or not! If she never has a filter, I'd probably be more likely to just let it go. If it was out of character, I personally would feel more offended, but really, there's not much you can do except let it go. I'm sorry she said that :( Does she have any daughters? You'd think she, as a female, would just know that you never comment on something like that!
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  • jmconley08jmconley08 member
    First Comment
    You didn't ask for that comment at all. I would be pissed if my FMIL said anything like this. She should have shut her trap. Good for you for seeing it as motivation. Very mature. I wouldn't be so mature and would probably feel the need to comment on her ugly face, hair chin, etc. I think poofy will look good!
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  • mbaetembaete member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    Dont you just love fmils. When FI and I were compiling out guest list, my fmil suggested that we invite a particular family friend, and then added, " I always thought you would marry their daughter, she is so lovely."

    Ummm.. thnaks?!?

    As for your dress, I too am plus sized and ball gowns make our bodies bangin'!

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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:080ac42a-d0fe-451d-b3da-982c3763efa2">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]*hugs* Sorry your FMIL is a tactless, insulting boor.  Congratulations about the weight you've dropped, and good luck with the continuing effort.  And don't be ashamed of flaunting those curves!
    Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:238d2425-fc42-40e5-aaf3-015cf892b59d">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . . : Sweetie, I'm a plus sized lady, too.  Your FMIL sounds like she had a case of foot-in-mouth disease.  Next time, <strong>don't ask her opinion</strong>. Your weight has nothing to do with your self worth, or the future of your marriage.  <strong>Don't let other people have so much power over you.
    </strong>Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I still have no idea why you keep saying "next time don't ask her opinion." I never asked her opinion. I never asked her opinion on my weight. I didn't even ask her opinion on my dress. I just wanted to show it to her so she wouldn't feel left out.

    She really doesn't have any power over me, it was just kinda rude for her to say that. Oh well, I've already stopped thinking about it and I've already let it go.
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:8f6e86b4-44ae-4096-a10b-a01f8825dc41">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whenever I hear someone say, "Not to be rude....." I always think "too late, you are about to open your mouth, say something rude and then hide behind the Not to be rude thing." I would leave her out of the fittings and include her somewhere else.  I would forgive the first one, but I would never set myself up for her to do it again.  Maybe she can look at flowers or centerpieces with you.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This is a good idea, except I already invited her to come with me in a couple weeks for my first fitting. But I think after that, I'll just go on my own.
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:017003ef-a155-43f6-b20d-401777bdb95c">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]Most five year olds are taught that it's not appropriate to tell someone they are fat. Her comment, at best, was thoughtless. Give her a pass, this time, but don't bring her to your fittings. <strong>If you feel beautiful in your dress, that's all that counts.
    </strong>Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Yep, I do feel beautiful in it! Thanks. I'm not gonna let her comment get to me anymore.
    Report Reply
  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:0751867c-32f2-4d96-b9d2-e9728fc8f9a6">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that it was a rude thing to say...rude tone or not! If she never has a filter, I'd probably be more likely to just let it go. If it was out of character, I personally would feel more offended, but really, there's not much you can do except let it go. I'm sorry she said that :( Does she have any daughters? You'd think she, as a female, would just know that you never comment on something like that!
    Posted by owengirl996[/QUOTE]

    She has "snuck in" little comments before about my weight. I've never really let them bother me b/c it's usually when <em>I</em> bring it up and mention that I'm trying to lose weight or something. I think that this most recent comment, though, was given out of context and that's what threw me off. She doesn't have any daughters, just her one son. I could easily have said things about her (she's thinner than me, but has a HUGE round belly) but of course, I tried to keep the focus on my dress, not my weight (or hers). I think I'll still take her to the first fitting (maybe then she'll see how <em>good</em> it looks on my haha) then I'll just go by myself.
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:a1119aca-c397-49be-b2cc-eea5cb101350">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]You didn't ask for that comment at all. I would be pissed if my FMIL said anything like this. She should have shut her trap. Good for you for seeing it as motivation. Very mature. I wouldn't be so mature and would probably feel the need to comment on her ugly face, hair chin, etc. I think poofy will look good!
    Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! I think what helped me not be rude back was that I really was super excited about my dress and my mood just couldn't be brought down by anything! lol. But after the fact is when it kinda hit me :(
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:f08f4825-a53a-4f94-b24c-cf49132265d9">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]Dont you just love fmils. When FI and I were compiling out guest list, my fmil suggested that we invite a particular family friend, and then added, <strong>" I always thought you would marry their daughter, she is so lovely." Ummm.. thnaks?!?</strong>

    <font color="#0000ff">Whoa!!! Crazy lady!!
    </font>
    <strong>As for your dress, I too am plus sized and ball gowns make our bodies bangin'!</strong>  <font color="#0000ff">Oh Yeah! That's what I'm saying :)
    </font>Posted by mbaete[/QUOTE]
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  • tanyanubintanyanubin
    First Comment
    She was rude, you did not invite that comment, and I wouldn't invite her to any fittings. Actually, the next time she starts with "Not to be rude..." I'd cute her off with "Then don't." with a big smile, and change the subject. She won't stop this behavior, it will get worse if you allow it. (this is from experience) Don't let her thoughtlessness color your day. 
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  • 2012FutureMrsB2012FutureMrsB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nbd-but-cant-shake-off-comment-fmil-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac2f52ed-4592-4e55-8962-7b88e1a46fbePost:9531a24a-c7c9-4ea6-a916-3b4fab9f3c56">Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . .</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NBD, But can't shake off comment from FMIL . . . : You can not be serious.  "Come see my dress" does not equal "Tell me what you think of my weight." Your FMIL was tactless, OP, and I'm sorry she said that.
    Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

    .

    Thanks!
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