Moms and Maids

How close are you with your SILs?

Hi Ladies,
I'm hoping someone may have some advice for me. I have been with my FI for 4 years. When we got engaged I was hoping it would be a great chance to become close with his sisters. I only have one brother and was excited about having 2 sisters. Trouble is, it's like pulling teeth.
I don't know that we really have much in common. They are more into sports and working out. I like hockey but that's about it. I wouldn't say I'm a total girlie girl, but I sure don't work out and play sports for fun, its a chose to me. haha
Once we all spent a day together but I felt like I was tagging along on their time together.
I've suggested going out to dinner or to get a drink a bunch of times. They always say we should but then it never happens. I'm definetly more of a shy person, so I'm starting to feel silly bringing it up. They are both really nice and friendly, it's not that we don't get along at all.
I'd like to get to become friends and not just sister in laws, but I'm wondering if it's really gonna happen.Have any of you ladies had a similar issue? What did you do, or did you just let the relationship stay as it is?

Re: How close are you with your SILs?

  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't have a SIL so in that respect, I am not much help.  But try having a step sister for 20 years that never even REFERS to you as a step sister.  I am her fathers wife's daughter, plain and simple.  Her kids don't call me "aunt".  Even though I have known them all since birth, they still ask who I am at family functions.

    But I do KNOW quite a few people with SIL's and not all of them are close.  Expecting it happen simply because you are technically family after the wedding is sometimes expecting too much.  A marriage doesn't guarantee a bigger "family".  To some people, it's just a legal paper saying you will be around on holidays for years to come.  (Not the way I feel, mind you.  I think it's sad.)

    If you have reached out but they aren't taking your hand, don't push it.  Be you, let them be them, and maybe one day more of a relationship will bloom.

    Good luck!




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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Are you guys close in age or stages in life?

    I wouldn't try to force it.  The harder you try, the weirder it could be, KWIM?  I think you should just give it time, and the longer you all know each other it should become much more natural. 
  • edited December 2011
    I relate to your situation. I'm not close to my FSIL either and I've been with my FI for 6 years. We are close in age but we are two entirely different people. I'm hoping that her and I can become closer, more as friends. We get along and have never had any problems between us, we just don't seem to click. We are both very nice and polite to each other but we have never gone anywhere just the two of us. At this point, I will just let the relationship develop on its own and not try and force it. When an opportunity arises for me to invite her to lunch or shopping, or to talk on the phone. I will.
    Otherwise I just  accept that this is the relationship we have at least for now. Hopefully we will become closer in time.
  • edited December 2011
    Me and my future sister In law really dont' have a whole lot in common either, she is the middle child and the only girl in the family.  When I started Dating my Fiance I was afraid we would have a strained relationship since we were total opposites.  But I didn't try to push the relationship I just let it naturally progress we found common ground and we get along great!  We try to do something just the two of us about once a month.  I'd suggest to you to relax be yourself and just let the relationships happen, don't try to push it.  I'm sure that they love you just because you make their brother happy and I'm sure your a great person.  Relax and just let the relationship happen.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I will have two (and eventually three, one brother is still unmarried) sisters in law. 

    When we go to family functions, I'll hang out and chat with the two.  We are friendly.  But do I call them up to go out?  Not really.  We also don't live in the same area.  If we did, I think we'd see more of each other, but we wouldn't be BFFs.

    If they are sisters, they have a lifetime of memories and time together.  They are naturally quite close.  You don't have that history.  I'm not at all implying that they are excluding you, I just mean that relationships take time to build.  Deep breath - you are marrying into the family and will be around awhile.  If a friendship is there, it will blossom over time.  If it isn't there, there's nothing wrong with simply being "family."
  • GeauxTigers17GeauxTigers17 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Mine absolutely hates me, and has since the moment she met me. The first time I met her, it was out at a restaurant, and she proceeded to talk to FI's mother about me as if I wasn't there. Now I just roll with whatever she says and it drives her insane. She constantly tries to one up me, but I just let her so she has nowhere to go with it. She used to really hurt my feelings, but it is so much better this way- my fiancé has backed me up in the past, but she's really passive aggressive and has learned to do it out of his hearing. Grade-A jerkface, she is. I agree with those saying let it develop. Your FSILs sound like they just don't know you very well, and if you're shy, they may be trying to respect that as well.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_close-sils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ae2418a1-c204-46fe-8a08-f27859faa18bPost:fdfd9027-f2fb-4b53-b4de-f50b360b4c24">Re: How close are you with your SILs?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will have two (and eventually three, one brother is still unmarried) sisters in law.  When we go to family functions, I'll hang out and chat with the two.  We are friendly.  But do I call them up to go out?  Not really.  We also don't live in the same area.  If we did, I think we'd see more of each other, but we wouldn't be BFFs. If they are sisters, they have a lifetime of memories and time together.  They are naturally quite close.  You don't have that history.  I'm not at all implying that they are excluding you, I just mean that relationships take time to build.  Deep breath - you are marrying into the family and will be around awhile.  If a friendship is there, it will blossom over time.  If it isn't there, there's nothing wrong with simply being "family."
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly what I was going to say.  Every. Single. Word.

    I have two sisters in law, both of whom have their own sister.  Even though one of them practically lived with my family while she was in high school, I never had any illusions that we would be like sisters.
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think it's different with everyone.

    I have one SIL who is my best friend and the other is totally indifferent to me.
  • edited December 2011
    I have no SIL from my fiancee. However, i have 4 brothers. and no sisters. Two brothers are married. and i get along very well with their wives. we are all really good friends. one, more than the other. but its because shes lives a block from me....we all hang out when we have time!!! even the SIL's get along with each other
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  • KateG528KateG528 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I understand how you feel because my FSIL is 7.  Its sometimes really hard to connect with her because she is 13 years younger than I am.  Try to find ways to relate to their life. This doesn't mean you have to morph into a clone of them, I have many good friends who I dont have a lot of hobbies in common with, but we enjoy spending time together. Try to have one-on-one time with each of them separately so that you can get to know them as people not as sisters of you FI. 

    Good luck. 
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  • edited December 2011
    I understand where you're coming from.  FI has two sisters, and they're really close.  They include me sometimes and talk to me, and I've gone shopping with them each on their own, but I wish I was closer.  I think part of that stems from the fact that I really don't have many female friends of my own.

    My brother is engaged, and I try really hard to reach out to her, but I don't always feel like she's interested.  She's friendly enough, but... I don't know.  It doesn't help that we life far from each other.

    I completely understand how you feel, and I keep reminding myself that we're going to be family for a long time to come, and our relationships will hopefully grow closer with time.
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  • greygarnettgreygarnett member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP's, rather than try to force a relationship, sit back and if its going to happen it will. Just because they are going to be family doesn't mean you have to have everything in common with them and be buddy-buddy. My step-sister of 16 years and I don't even get along and we grew up in the same house.
    My FSIL is a 19 year old with "scene" style of dressing (you'd probably have to google it to understand, I had a long discussion with her over it and still dont fully understand) with tons of piercings and stretchers in her ears. Not that I have anything against people with their own individual style but its obviously not something we can talk about as a common point for hours. However since FI and I have been together we have gradually started getting closer and she even frequently chats with me over the internet. We still dont get together often outside of family get togethers but its a start and it happened all on its own with no pushing from me.
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  • AeroStyleAeroStyle member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all your advice ladies. We are very close in age. And I'm grateful that we get along and there's no bad feelings. I think I'll just have to let things go at their natural pace and just accept we may never be real tight. I think it just got to me over the weekend when we had them over for Easter. Every time we get together I think I set my hopes a little too high that we will all of a sudden hit it off. If things remain as they are I can be happy with that. Thanks again ladies!
  • edited December 2011
    I am close with my FSIL, but I think it kinda depends on how close your FI is with his sister(s).  My FI and I have been together for 8 years and he is really close with her so I think that kind of laid the path for us to be close.  I am not very close with my brother anymore and my FI is not close with him at all.  I also think it is kind of like a friend thing.  I know its a bummer when you want to be friends with someone and maybe you used to be but then you aren't close anymore and you feel like they aren't reciprocating the friendship.  This is kind of the same situation.  If you are repeatedly trying and they aren't responding, then it sounds like it might not be worth the effort.
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  • edited December 2011
    I was close to my FSIL until FI and I got engaged.  She is a few years older than I am and not married.  She doesn't agree wtih the way we are planning our wedding (elegant sit down dinner) because it isn't what she wants.  She is also upset that she doesn't get to invite her friends because we are limiting the guest list to 300, which my parents are paying for.  Ever since the engagement she is rude and just plain mean.  My mom thinks it's jealousy, since she is older than FI and I (by 2 years) and wants to be married.  I'm hoping after the wedding it will get better and if not oh well.  I'm marrying my FI because I love HIM, not his sister.
  • edited December 2011
    I am lucky and get along with all 3 of my fainces sisters. One is 6 years older, one is 2 years older, and one is 2 years younger. He is closer to the ones closer to him in age so we tend to spend more time with them. I have been to concerts with them and gone out drinking with them. We have a good time and are pretty close.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with those who say to just let the relationship progress naturally, don't try to force it. FI has one sister and one brother, who is married. I feel close to his sister and sister-in-law in that we are friendly and like each other, chit chat on Facebook and when we are at family events, spend time together. However, we aren't about to become besties. His sister is 8 years older than us and has 3 teenagers, and his sister-in-law is closer to us in age, but is busy raising 3 kids under the age of 6. So we're just at different places in life.
  • edited December 2011
    I am not very close with my FSIL...she is 13 years older than me though so there isn't a lot we can relate to each other about. So like some of the previous girls, we are just at different stages in our lives so there isn't much we can do together.
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    SIL and I get along nicely and spend time with each other at family functions, but we don't get together on our own. We occasionally email or chat on the phone if there's a reason, but neither of us would think to call the other just to talk. We live about 2 hours away from each other so that might have something to do with it; not sure. I like her and I'm 99% sure she likes me, but we just haven't developed a "friend" relationship. Maybe we will with time, maybe not.
  • edited December 2011
    I will have 2 SIL's. One is honestly just like me and we are best friends. The other is nothing like me, and a little stand off ish, so we don't talk much. 
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  • edited December 2011
    It's funny, my brother's wife and I are sooo close... she's my maid of honor, (sorry, matron of honor). But my FI sister and I do not click. We are friendly enough but I don't even have her phone number. We are just two different people.
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  • orangecrayonorangecrayon member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Before FI and I got engaged,we were close..now that we're almost 2 months out, they've been plain mean. He has two sisters, both older than me one is 29 and the other is 24. We use to hang out with each other a lot, call/text, but now I leave the room if they are there or I avoid them. I think it's just their attitude towards me, like they'll leave me to sit alone and will go talk on the phone or to each other and ignore me..It was evident how it all happened and now since i don't really try to talk to them they're trying to make the "friendship" better...but the way I see it, those people aren't made to be your bestfriends, but it's nice to be cordial to each other. THis isn't a friendship i want forever...
  • doeie04doeie04 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My FH has a SIL and she is used to be a complete witch! She would flat out ignore me in group conversations and hates it when FMIL and FFIL talk about me. After Chad and I got engaged, she wouldn't stop talking to me! That was in November. She is nicer now, but I am suspicious..... I am waiting to figure out what she wants. She is one of those people who are nice when they want something. They are moving back from Alaska, so I guess I will find out really quick if she is genuine or just a biitch in disguise. Haha.

    She is an only child, comes from money, and it shows. FMIL says that she is jealous of my relationship with them and FMIL hopes that FSIL knocks it off quickly since she has noticed it a lot and it is stressing her out. 


    They might just be busy, or they might be waiting for you to make plans and ask them. Just saying you should get together is different than making plans. Invite them out to lunch and see how it goes. I would try that, and if they still are distant, let it go.
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