Major MOH issues

TheFutureMrsMedeiros

I had originally asked my best friend and cousin to be my MOH. She declined for then religious reasons that are no longer a factor. When she declined I turned around and asked a long time friend and she accepted. She would also be getting married six months before my wedding but assured me that it wouldn't be an issue. Months later my friendship with her has become very strained over different views of what my fiancé and I have decided to do for our wedding. We barely talk and I barely see her. My cousin then confided in my fiancé that she regretted her decision and didn't know how to tell me. When I found out I decided to include her in the bridal party. This angered my friend who believed she didn't deserve to be a part of the day and who knew that I had always wanted my cousin as MOH. When I emailed my maids regarding dress shopping her response was negative and it brought me to tears and she made me feel guilty for asking six months in advance of my wedding when she thought we could do it four months before as she had. Because on relationship has become so rocky I have decided to have co-maids of honor to give myself peace of mind. My friend is very upset with me and the issue has caused huge conflict. We have tried to talk it out but it ended with her husband telling me that it was below to included my cousin and an insult to his wife and eventually his ejection of my fiancé and I from his house and his own choice to no longer be a groomsmen in our wedding. I want to mend the friendship with my friend but I am not going to change my mind about what my wedding day will be and who will be included. Her husband and my fiancé have chosen to no longer associate with each other and I don't want to have this conflict on the day of our wedding. What do I do?

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b211edcd-5755-4357-9097-7002e278d647Post:b69acacc-746b-4155-a6a0-70b563e8f734">Major MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I had originally asked my best friend and cousin to be my MOH. She <strong>declined for then religious reasons that are no longer a factor. </strong>When she declined I turned around and asked a long time friend and she accepted. She would also be getting married six months before my wedding but assured me that it wouldn't be an issue. <strong>Months later my friendship with her has become very strained over different views of what my fiancé and I have decided to do for our wedding. We barely talk and I barely see her.</strong> My cousin then confided in my fiancé that she regretted her decision and didn't know how to tell me. When I found out I decided to include her in the bridal party. This angered my friend who believed she didn't deserve to be a part of the day and <strong>who knew that I had always wanted my cousin as MOH. </strong>When I emailed my maids regarding dress shopping <strong>her response was negative</strong> and it brought me to tears and she made me feel guilty for asking six months in advance of my wedding when she thought we could do it four months before as she had. <strong>Because on relationship has become so rocky I have decided to have co-maids of honor to give myself peace of mind. My friend is very upset with me and the issue has caused huge conflict.</strong> We have tried to talk it out but it ended with her husband telling me that it was below to included my cousin and<strong> an insult to his wife </strong>and eventually his ejection of my fiancé and I from his house and his own choice to no longer be a groomsmen in our wedding. I want to mend the friendship with my friend but I am not going to change my mind about what my wedding day will be and who will be included. Her husband and my fiancé have chosen to no longer associate with each other and I don't want to have this conflict on the day of our wedding. What do I do?
Posted by TheFutureMrsMedeiros[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. What religious reasons are no longer a factor?</div><div>
</div><div>2. I don't understand this at all. Why would your friendship become strained over this? She doesn't have to like your ideas. It is your wedding, you plan yours, she'll plan hers. The only thing she really needs a say in is the dress, since she is likely buying it and will be the one wearing it. </div><div>
</div><div>3. Did you <em>tell </em>her you asked your cousin and she declined, so you asked the friend instead? No wonder! She probably feels like crap as a replacement MOH! I would kinda too! </div><div>
</div><div>4. How was her repsonse negative? Just about the timing? I'll give you that, 6 months is pretty standard for ordering BM dresses. They can take a while to come in, plus you need time for alterations. </div><div>
</div><div>5. I don't know why your friend is having her H fight her battles for her. This is between you and her. I have to say, she probably does feel kind of insulted. You asked her because your cousin said no, and then somehow, she found out this, that you wanted your cousin to be MOH. Don't you see how she might feel like second best? I think you should have just had your cousin be a BM, but that ship has sailed now. </div><div>
</div><div>If you asked your friend to be MOH and now your cousin has agreed also, then I think you need to keep them both as MOH. There really are no major differences between a MOH and BM, other than holding a bouquet and signing a marriage license. The <em>only </em>requirements of <strong>any</strong> attendant are to get a dress and show up clean/sober for pictures. Any one can throw you showers, plan parties, etc. You will need to pick who will stand beside you. Maybe have one hold your flowers and the other sign the license, so one doesn't feel too slighted. </div><div>
</div><div>If your friend is so distraught about it and if things keep going the way they are, she sounds like she is removing herself from the WP. Just explain to your friend that you messed up and you aren't sure what to do. Tell her that she and your cousin mean a lot to you and you'd like to honor them both as co-MOHs. </div><div>
</div><div>I think she has a right to be upset, but she doesn't sound like she is handling this tactfully either, especially if she is having her H fight for her. Give this a week to settle, then ask her to coffee alone. Discuss this like adults and admit some fault on your part about the whole thing. If you go into it all high and mighty, it is not going to go over well. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck. 

</div>

Maggie0829

This is why I think giving titles to people is a bad idea.  Sometimes you get a few individuals who think getting a certain title gives them a little power and they just run with it.  I think for all weddings from now on brides should only have a bridal party and not designate certain people MOHs or BMs.

As for your poll, what type of things are you delegating exactly?  Your bridal party does not have any required jobs to do except buy the dress and show up looking presentable and sober on your wedding day.

TheFutureMrsMedeiros

In response to Em01092:

1. My cousin is  Jehovah's Witness and I no longer am. They frown upon particpipation or attendance of weddings where the bride and groom are not practicing and another religious offilate may be presiding over the ceremony. At frst she was worried about what people in the church would think but now she has decided I am more important.

2. It has become strained because the six month mark before my wedding fell two weeks before hers. When I messeged everyone about dresses I did so as a heads up so it wouldn't be short notice that we need to go dress shopping a month after her wedding. She took it as I was being disrespectful to her wedding plans. Her wedding took place on Septemeber 30th but she is still unhappy with me regarding this.

3. She knew that my cousin declined. I had confided in her the upset I was feeling about the situation. She always knew she was going to be a part of my bridal party but after my cousins initial decision she became the best candidate for the position.

4. Her definition of when things should be done for weddings is much different than mine. I like to follow the standard timeline whereas much of her wedding planning was up in the air quite close to her actual date. I feel more comfortable with extra time in case something happens and could not wait to order dresses in January when my wedding is in April as she assumed we would.

5. Initally I did ask my cousin to just be a bridesmaid but when tensions began to ran high and she displayed her reaction to the dress shopping I became worried that this was a foreshadowing of things to come and it worried me that she may just pull out alltogether if she was unhappy with something else I did or decided upon for my wedding. Her husband was also to be a groomsman and felt he needed to get off his chest how he felt about me and the situation our friendship as couples has developed in. This included profanity and yelling to the point where my fiance had to step in and stop him and we were asked to leave. He has since apologized for how he acted but nothing that he said about me, my fiance, and my family.

I knew she would be upset and that is why I insisted we talk in person. I know she doesn't understand why I am worried because she herself does not worry like I do. I have so many people telling me it is my day and she just needs to be supportive and go along with whatever I decide but I don't see that happening and I can't have this toxicity surrounding our wedding day.

RaptorSLH

Trying to replace your cousin was tacky, but it's a bit late to worry about that now.  Promoting her from BM to co-MOH was also tacky.  You're treating MOH like a job position that needs to be filled so that someone can perform the duties outlined in the employee handbook, instead of an honor title given to your bestest friend.

Removing her from the wedding party can be a friendship-ending move, as can "demoting" someone from MOH.  Has she reached this level of crazy?  If I'm understanding right, you're saying this whole fight started and revolved around - not your actual tacky behavior - but because you wanted to plan by an earlier timeline than she did.  In which case, I have to wonder if she was all that good a friend to begin with.

kaitlyn&henry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b211edcd-5755-4357-9097-7002e278d647Post:0a05fae9-852e-4023-9dab-9778b78b963f">Re: Major MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE] 3. She knew that my cousin declined. I had confided in her the upset I was feeling about the situation. She always knew she was going to be a part of my bridal party but after my cousins initial decision she became the best candidate for the position.

Posted by TheFutureMrsMedeiros[/QUOTE]

Being an MOH shouldnt require an application/try-out process and when one declines, it is bad form to replace her....for this reason exactly. Feelings get hurt.

It sounds like to me she doesnt even want to be in the WP anymore let alone be the MOH especially if her husband has pulled out. It was their choice to react the way they did...but it also sounds like you have your mind made up too. just go your seperate ways and call it a day. It sucks it had to happen, but it did. Try to enjoy the rest of the wedding process and most importantly the big day! it goes by so fast! 

TheFutureMrsMedeiros

In response to Raptor, I do not have any sisters and my cousin is the only age appropriate female family member that I have that could have been my MOH. When she declined the honor I had no choice but to ask someone else. I didn't want to demote my friend from MOH but wanted the two of the to be co-MOH, which I have read is completely within reason these days. Yes the fight began when I asked to order the dresses on a five to six month timeline and also that I was not allowed to talk about my wedding prior to hers, but I was unaware of that rule she had created.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_major-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b211edcd-5755-4357-9097-7002e278d647Post:9e5078ae-39ee-4283-bf0d-53a522eb442f">Re: Major MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In response to Raptor, I do not have any sisters and my cousin is the only age appropriate female family member that I have that could have been my MOH. When she declined the honor<strong> I had no choice but to ask someone else.</strong> I didn't want to demote my friend from MOH but wanted the two of the to be co-MOH, which I have read<strong> is completely within reason these days.</strong> Yes the fight began when I asked to order the dresses on a five to six month timeline and also that I was not allowed to talk about my wedding prior to hers, but I was unaware of that rule she had created.
Posted by TheFutureMrsMedeiros[/QUOTE]

<div>But that is where you are incorrect. You don't HAVE to have a MOH. There is no law that says you must. MOHs and BMs are just titles. </div><div>
</div><div>It is totally fine to have co-MOHs, but the point is, is that you asked your friend to be MOH <em>because </em>your cousin declined, and to make it worse, she KNEW that. She probably feels like second best, like I said before. If you had ORIGINALLY asked both of them to be MsOH and they knew they were going to be co's from the start, that is a different situation and would have been completely acceptable. But that does not seem to be what you did, based on your posts. </div><div>
</div><div>You are the right one about the dresses and timeline, and she is stupid for pulling the "you can't talk about your wedding til mine is over" crap, because that isn't realistic. I stand by my statement that you both are in the wrong and you should initiate a discussion with her after you've had some time to calm down. </div>