Bridesmaid Trouble

Lploense

One of my bridesmaid just got married this past June. I acted essentially as the  wedding coordinator for her, as she had already chosen all her bridesmaids when we truly became friends. Through out her whole planning process she kept telling me how she wished she could replace me with one of her friends/maids who had aggred to be in the wedding but then began to ignore her. I was fine with my role and didn't care.
 
She would always rant about how this other girl wouldn't show up for any of the events, ie shower or bachelorette, fittings, engagement party, etc. And she was absolutely furious when the girl told her she had to work on the wedding day and wouldn't show up until 5 minutes before the wedding was meant to start. 

That sucks right? Having someone who is unwilling to make an effort after agreeing to be a part of your special day.

Well, the other day, as we were discussing my wedding, which is in March of next year, she asked me what day my wedding is. I told her. Now, this girl works weekends and has two days during the week off instead, this I understand. I mentioned it was on a Friday, just as hers had been. And kind of gave her a run down of what I was thinking for the plan of the day, you know brunch for all my girls, hair and nails, a limo ride to the venue. She got upset by this because she works, and she really wanted to take the day after the wedding off so she can recover after drinking all night. She doesn't want to have to take two day off.

I could understand why she'd be upset, but the fact is that she doesn't even have to use vacation time for this as she can switch shifts with someone else. I took off two days for her wedding to help her set everything up and get everything ready. I'm not even asking her to do that. I just want to share the day with her. I wouldn't be so concerned but she always complains about having to stay late at work and usually doesn't get off until 8pm.

I'm not sure if I'd be less upset with this if she hadn't made such a big deal about it during her wedding. I just don't know what to do about this. I'm trying so hard to not come off sounding like a bridezilla to anyone, but it's frustrating trying to coordinate so many peices and people. Any advice?

Peledreamsofrain

Whew, this is a giant kettle of nasty fish.  There is a whole lot of wrong going on here.

First, I'll address your friend.  She is a bridezilla.  DONT follow her lead, or use her for a model of how you should behave for your own wedding.  Here's what she did wrong:

A.)  Assuming she is the center of the universe, and deserved to control her bridal party's lives all the way up to the wedding.  They have lives that are just as important as hers.  Demanding that they drop their lives to show up to EVERY SINGLE EVENT NO MATTER WHAT GRRR is nasty and disgusting.  She's not a friend to them.

B.) Making other people conduct her wedding for her.  HER wedding.  See that word?  HER wedding.  HER job, HER time, HER work, HER responsibility.  See the pattern?  If people would like to volunteer to help, that would be lovely, and she can graciously accept.  But to demand people to do HER work?  THen to pout, and stomp her feet, and to talk behind their backs about it?  Nasty nasty nasty nasty.

C.) She's a bad friend if the only reason she's taking a day off for a wedding is due to planning to be wasted at said wedding to the point of needing an entire day to recover.  Classy.  The rest of humanity would like their carbon back.

Now, for what you are approaching incorrectly:

You should not be doing things for your friends and keeping 'favor balance sheets' in your head.  You should be doing things out of love and because you want to.  Not because you want a future tab that you can cash in at your own wedding.  Would it be nice of her to reciprocate?  Sure.  But I think we've already established that you've kind of made a questionable friendship choice.  I'm not sure why you expect more out of her.

Please be kinder to your bridesmaids.  In fact, do everything in opposite of what she did.  Bridesmaids are humans, not dolls to be moved around and played with at the bride's whim.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b381a4a5-f860-4626-a78b-c9d2f0fac5d4Post:3e97b4d6-d010-4186-bb78-80ec5e72b79c">Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaid just got married this past June. I acted essentially as the  wedding coordinator for her, as she had already chosen all her bridesmaids when we truly became friends. Through out her whole planning process she kept telling me how she wished she could replace me with one of her friends/maids who had aggred to be in the wedding but then began to ignore her. I was fine with my role and didn't care.   She would always rant about how this other girl wouldn't show up for any of the events, ie shower or bachelorette, fittings, engagement party, etc. And she was absolutely furious when the girl told her she had to work on the wedding day and wouldn't show up until 5 minutes before the wedding was meant to start.  That sucks right? Having someone who is unwilling to make an effort after agreeing to be a part of your special day. Well, the other day, as we were discussing my wedding, which is in March of next year, she asked me what day my wedding is. I told her. Now, this girl works weekends and has two days during the week off instead, this I understand. I mentioned it was on a Friday, just as hers had been. And kind of gave her a run down of what I was thinking for the plan of the day, you know brunch for all my girls, hair and nails, a limo ride to the venue. She got upset by this because she works, and she really wanted to take the day after the wedding off so she can recover after drinking all night. She doesn't want to have to take two day off. I could understand why she'd be upset, but the fact is that she doesn't even have to use vacation time for this as she can switch shifts with someone else. I took off two days for her wedding to help her set everything up and get everything ready. I'm not even asking her to do that. I just want to share the day with her. I wouldn't be so concerned but she always complains about having to stay late at work and usually doesn't get off until 8pm. I'm not sure if I'd be less upset with this if she hadn't made such a big deal about it during her wedding. I just don't know what to do about this. I'm trying so hard to not come off sounding like a bridezilla to anyone, but it's frustrating trying to coordinate so many peices and people. Any advice?
Posted by Lploense[/QUOTE]

If your bridemaid buys the chosen dress and shows up on time for your wedding ceremony, she is fullfiling her duties. She was wrong to complain about her bm to you and you are wrong to expect her to take 2 days from work for your wedding festivities. It's nice when friends want to go the extra mile, but it should never be required.

I'd advise you to expect nothing more than the basics from your friends. If they decide to attend showers, bps, hair and nail appointments, you should recognize that they are doing extra stuff for you and thank them accordingly.

I'm sorry, I know that wasn't the answer that you were looking for. But the wedding industry has filled women with wrong headed notions that once they get a ring on their finger, the world should revolve around THE BRIDE. Please don't get suckered in by those people who hope to use your impending marriage as a way to make money off hair appointments, party supplies, matching bm accessories etc... Treat your friends like you always have - before you were engaged.

Best wishes and good luck with your planning.

OliveOilsMom

When your BM was planning her wedding, it was the most important thing in her life.  Anyone else's wedding, to her, isn't as important - and that includes your wedding.  Remember that.  It will help you get through the rest of your planning.

Let this BM show up when she can on your wedding day, its her problem if she's too hung over for work the next day.  I agree she is being ridiculous for complaining about a Friday wedding, when she had one herself.  It just sounds like this BM isn't happy unless she is complaining about something.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-trouble-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b381a4a5-f860-4626-a78b-c9d2f0fac5d4Post:bc30bf5a-142c-4976-9d8e-b1c65bbda1df">Re: Bridesmaid Trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Whew, this is a giant kettle of nasty fish.  There is a whole lot of wrong going on here. First, I'll address your friend.  She is a bridezilla.  DONT follow her lead, or use her for a model of how you should behave for your own wedding.  Here's what she did wrong: A.)  Assuming she is the center of the universe, and deserved to control her bridal party's lives all the way up to the wedding.  They have lives that are just as important as hers.  Demanding that they drop their lives to show up to EVERY SINGLE EVENT NO MATTER WHAT GRRR is nasty and disgusting.  She's not a friend to them. B.) Making other people conduct her wedding for her.  HER wedding.  See that word?  HER wedding.  HER job, HER time, HER work, HER responsibility.  See the pattern?  If people would like to volunteer to help, that would be lovely, and she can graciously accept.  But to demand people to do HER work?  THen to pout, and stomp her feet, and to talk behind their backs about it?  Nasty nasty nasty nasty. C.) She's a bad friend if the only reason she's taking a day off for a wedding is due to planning to be wasted at said wedding to the point of needing an entire day to recover.  Classy.  <strong>The rest of humanity would like their carbon back.</strong> Now, for what you are approaching incorrectly: You should not be doing things for your friends and keeping 'favor balance sheets' in your head.  You should be doing things out of love and because you want to.  Not because you want a future tab that you can cash in at your own wedding.  Would it be nice of her to reciprocate?  Sure.  But I think we've already established that you've kind of made a questionable friendship choice.  I'm not sure why you expect more out of her. Please be kinder to your bridesmaids.  In fact, do everything in opposite of what she did.  Bridesmaids are humans, not dolls to be moved around and played with at the bride's whim.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

All of this.

And the bolded part, love!

mysi019

Maybe I am not understanding...is she standing in your wedding or just attending?

If she is in it and if she has the chance to get stuck at work till 8pm. Then she best take the day off of work to make sure she is there. That is what she agreed to when she agreed to be in your wedding. According to the majority of this website she has never agreed to hair/nail/limo ride before the wedding only to showing up to be stand next to you. (Not exactly what I believe but thats a different post) I dont understand why she wouldnt want to participate though, those are the fun times with the girls that dont come in everday life.

If she is just attending and would rather risk the chance of missing a good chunk of it becuase she may get stuck working late to beable to have a free day to be hung over. She probably isnt as good of a friend as you thought. Atleast thats how I feel. I would much rather guarantee I would be able to see my friend get married (have the day off) then drink.