is this rude?

peaceistheway

one of my bridesmaids just told me shes pregnant... shes due in august (my wedding is october 1st). my mom's initial reaction was that she's "out". is that rude, or unkind, or anything? my friend already has a 3 year old, and its not the best situation. and now another kid on the way?

i've been up and down these past few weeks with my girl friends (in case anyone is following my threads), but this one in particular, siigh. i help her as much as i can with her 3 year old (she doesnt have a car, so i help with pickups/babysitting until she gets home from work). shes been so absorbed in her new relationship, and has kinda disappeared lately. i only see her when im dropping her kid off. is it wrong of me to step away from all of it? ive got a ton on my plate, and im not even talking wedding stuff anymore. but does it make me a bad friend to just not want to be involved? i have no problem helping FRIENDS, but she hasnt even been that for me, for months now (before she even got pregnant) so, i just dont know.

bleh. im really understanding why people elope. kudos to those wise couples... you saved yourself lots of drama, haha.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:b7ff245f-f144-4643-a77b-144d954303b1">is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]one of my bridesmaids just told me shes pregnant... shes due in august (my wedding is october 1st). my mom's initial reaction was that she's "out". is that rude, or unkind, or anything? my friend already has a 3 year old, and its not the best situation. and now another kid on the way? i've been up and down these past few weeks with my girl friends (in case anyone is following my threads), but this one in particular, siigh. i help her as much as i can with her 3 year old (she doesnt have a car, so i help with pickups/babysitting until she gets home from work). shes been so absorbed in her new relationship, and has kinda disappeared lately. i only see her when im dropping her kid off. is it wrong of me to step away from all of it? ive got a ton on my plate, and im not even talking wedding stuff anymore. but does it make me a bad friend to just not want to be involved? i have no problem helping FRIENDS, but she hasnt even been that for me, for months now (before she even got pregnant) so, i just dont know. bleh. im really understanding why people elope. kudos to those wise couples... you saved yourself lots of drama, haha.
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]
Yes, it's rude to kick her out.    When your wedding date gets closer, let her make the decision on her own, without any prompting from you, if she is able to participate as a BM on that day.  If she is unable to walk down the aisle and stand up with you, for whatever reason, you should still list her as a BM in your program.  Let her buy a dress that will still be flattering once she has the baby, maybe she could even buy something off the rack later down the road.

I'm not sure how to address the rest of your post.  If you are having concerns regarding the friendship, you should address them with her, and leave your wedding out of it.  It wouldn't be very fair for you to kick her out of your wedding party and end your friendship with no notice.  I haven't followed your other posts, so I don't know if the has done anything atrocious, but I didn't gather that from this post.

ETA:  Just for the record, all she is required to do as a BM is show up in the right dress on the right day, so you really shouldn't need her to do anything else.

peaceistheway

well, her getting a different dress isnt an option. im doing a multicolored party, so a different style dress just wouldnt go.

but i guess im worried about her having to find an extra $200 for a bridesmaid dress for my wedding, when shes clearly got a lot of other stuff to take care of.

blah. i dont know. i told her we'd talk, so i guess we'll figure it out.

FayeValentine69

What does having different colors of dresses have to do with anything?  You are seriously overthinking this whole thing.

And, yeah, kicking someone out of your wedding because she got pregnant is rude, to say the least.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:085ee8d7-33c8-437c-a9c6-253fdf59dcef">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]well, her getting a different dress isnt an option. im doing a multicolored party, so a different style dress just wouldnt go. b<strong>ut i guess im worried about her having to find an extra $200 for a bridesmaid dress for my wedding, when shes clearly got a lot of other stuff to take care of. </strong>blah. i dont know. i told her we'd talk, so i guess we'll figure it out.
Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]
This is her call to make, not yours.  And you should be asking for your bridesmaids' budgets first, regardless of whether or not they're pregnant.

Kicking her out for getting pregnant makes you a bridezilla.  Don't do it.

Also, don't offer to "let" her step down.  That's going to be interpreted as you don't want her to be a bm anymore and it will make her feel pressured to leave the WP.

MairePoppy

Are you ready to end this friendship? It sounds as if you are feeling used and under appreciated. If that's the case, it's time for a heart to heart talk with your friend. Friendship shoudn't be one sided. If you're asking her to step down because you no longer consider her to be your friend, that's one thing. Kicking her out because of the pregnancy, though,  is very mean and rude.

You should ask each bm, privately, what their budget is for their dress. Find something in the lowest budget range. You are not obligated to help out with the cost of the dresses, but you are obligated to respect their budgets.

I don't know what's going on with you, because I haven't read your other posts. But if you are having multiple problems with various friends, it's time to take a look at your own actions and how you might be contributing to the problems.

AutumnFair

Ditto what Maire has said.

To me, it sounds like a one sided friendship. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of by helping with her son then have a heart to heart because just holding things back is starting to build up on you and I think her getting pregnant again has tipped the scale with the current friendship issues you are having.

As for the dresses you need to ask for their budgets before making a final decision on the dress. After you find a dress in their range, the dress is all up to them. You do not have to worry about it. The PG BM is responsible for ordering her dress and if alterations need to be done she is responsible for that also. Those two things should be common knowledge to a BM and even if she is PG (she won't be by the time your wedding comes) she knows what she must to do to be in WP so she knows that she might have additional cost since guess on size to get can be tricky.

Basically, have an honest talk about the friendship because obviously there are problems. The WP should not be your concern here because she won't be PG during your wedding and the dress is solely her responsibly to take care of so as long as you respect her and other BMs budgets you shouldn't feel guilty if she buys the dress and has to make alterations, she knew when she accepted that this cost is always to be expected.

aerinpegadrak

Presumably her brain didn't migrate down to her uterus and beyond her control once she got pregnant.  She's still an adult capable of making her own decisions.  Don't treat her like a child just because she's brewing one.

graysquirrel

If she is due in Aug and your wedding is in Oct, I don't see what the issue is-- how does her baby affect your wedding? If having a new baby is a financial burden for her, then it is her call to withdraw. Kicking someone out because you don't want to spend extra money would be a zilla move for sure. Otherwise, she should be bumpless by the time she needs to wear the dress and if she is worried about her body could order a slightly larger dress. She should also be adult enough to arrange for childcare on her own. 

Catwoman708

Yes, it is rude to oust a BM, for pretty much any reason.  Even if she is pregnant, self absorbed in her life and relationship, and has not been such a great friend in return.

But what you CAN do is ask her if she is still up to the task, and what should you do about the dress.  Have it altered or pick another style in the same color, that will accommodate her growing belly?

trix1223

I don't think that getting a dress should be in the picture now at all.  The baby is due in August, the wedding is Oct.  It's impossible to know now how BMs post-partum body will look.

Frankly, I'd just let her get a dress in the same color as the other girls.  There's no point, IMO, about getting a dress to accommodate her growing belly when much of that will be gone by wedding day.

mstar284

Seriously? Do people still not know the answer to this. Why would you even ask anyway? Isn't it common sense? Of course you shouldn't kick her out just because she's creating a life! My friend might be pregant soon. Sure she may have to buy a new dress or something, but I would let it be her decision to stay in the wedding. Why would that change how I feel about her being my BM??

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:2400ddfa-4b21-48ff-899a-d3ececcabebb">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]What does having different colors of dresses have to do with anything?  You are seriously overthinking this whole thing. And, yeah, kicking someone out of your wedding because she got pregnant is rude, to say the least.
Posted by FayeValentine69[/QUOTE]
No kidding. Yeah, her situation sucks- but that's no excuse to boot her from your bridal party.

Summer2011Bride

No, you don't kick her out. One of my BM's is due a few weeks after our wedding and may not be able to attend at all b/c there's a good chance she'll be on bed rest. I still want her in it and I'm letting her choose her own dress in our color. You'd be a crappy friend to kick her out esp. over something that should be a happy occasion. This would probably end the friendship if you did this.

Let her choose a dress she's comfortable in AFTER baby arrives. It would be pointless to get measured for one now anyways.

sister2groom

You can't kick her out, but you don't have to continue to make all the effort in this relationship. Just separate the friendship from her being a BM. If your friendship dies after th wedding so be it, but meanwhile unasking her is very rude.

As far as the budget goes for the dress, you need to ask every BM individually what she's OK spending on the dress including alterations, etc. before you pick out dresses. If a BM tells you her budget is $0 then she's being unreasonable and you don't have to accomodate that, but otherwise the amount she spends on the dress is her choice.

CaseyandSalley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:415020ab-2276-4db1-9b94-cfeb64bc05c1">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Presumably her brain didn't migrate down to her uterus and beyond her control once she got pregnant.  She's still an adult capable of making her own decisions.  Don't treat her like a child just because she's brewing one.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

couldnt agree more! So part of being freinds with someone is going thru hard times and GOOD times! So shes goin thru a hard time with a baby on the way and a kid. EVERYone goes thru that at some point. What if you were in her shoes, Wouldnt you want a freind?

Did you ask what dress she can afford?

I was so stinkin excited my Bridesmaid got a 29.99 dress on Davids Bridal Outlet. 200.00 dress is redic!

AraDesi

I disagree with lalap that letting her know it is okay to step down is a bad idea. FI's groomsman's wife got pregnant (their first baby), so FI asked him if he thought he'd still be able to come (the wedding is OOT). The conversation went on like that until FI told him it was okay if he didn't think he could be in the wedding anymore, and the groomsman immediately jumped at it. He just didn't want to be the one to say he didn't think he could do it. You could always let her know that as much as you really want her there, if she thinks it is too hard to be in the wedding, that's fine, just let you know. If she says she still wants to be in it, then tell her that's great, and she can figure it out from there.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:9ca7671f-dd67-49e6-9d30-10f95cb37b3e">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with lalap that letting her know it is okay to step down is a bad idea. FI's groomsman's wife got pregnant (their first baby), so FI asked him if he thought he'd still be able to come (the wedding is OOT). The conversation went on like that until FI told him it was okay if he didn't think he could be in the wedding anymore, and the groomsman immediately jumped at it. He just didn't want to be the one to say he didn't think he could do it. You could always let her know that as much as you really want her there, if she thinks it is too hard to be in the wedding, that's fine, just let you know. If she says she still wants to be in it, then tell her that's great, and she can figure it out from there.
Posted by AraDesi[/QUOTE]
The problem is that there's no way to say it without making it sound like the bride wants her out.  It pretty much always comes across as, "I want to kick you out but don't have the courage, so if you could do it yourself it will be easier for all of us."  If someone feels they can't be in the wedding, they need to have the balls to say so. 

courtney1188

Go to the wedding party board and read what it says in the description, up i the green box at the top of the screen. There's your answer.

deepcovejackie

I didn't read most of this, I admit.  I'll say though, whatever Trix said.  Always.  Or Aerin, or sister2groom, and Lalap.

I disagree with Aradesi, you can't offer her an "out" without looking like you WANT her out.

JessicaE84

I have read this question on the boards a couple of times before and I do not understand it. If one of my BMs told me she was pregnant, regardless of her due date, I would be THRILLED for her. A baby is a blessing, not something your friend created to ruin your wedding. I have no idea how your friend having a baby in August has any impact on your wedding in October. Believe it or not, your friends lives do not revolve around your wedding. Having any reaction other than being supportive of her is, in my opinion, incredibly selfish.

As for the dress, whether or not she is pregnant, you should be discussing the budget with all of your girls before choosing a dress. If she says she can afford it, she can afford it. She is an adult. It is not your responsibility to worry about her personal budget.

If you feel like she is being a bad friend, that is a separate issue. But kicking her out of your wedding for getting pregnant makes you a bad friend. Sorry.

ASDH11

Why does your mom want her kicked out?  If mom knows (and I am pretty sure she does) that you basically raise a 3 year old for a friend and there's a baby on the way, she can see you taking care of a 3 month old rather than enjoying your big day as a bride. And that is not fair for you.  So for her, an easy fix is not having this girl in the wedding. 

I doubt that mom is like a pregnant bridesmaid will steal the show here.  Babies and weddings can both share the spotlight beautifully.

Good Luck!

Airie12

To me, it sounds like the main issue is not her being pregnant, more like the bride feels she's a being a "bad" friend.  Stop doing favours for her.  Harsh but its her child, SHE should be taking care of the 3 year-old and having her new "boyfriend" driving her and the child around.  I asked my very good friend to be a BM when she was preggo BUT I also gave her an out (ie: too busy with a toddler, can't afford, just not doable).  Her needs and her family's needs come first!  If your friend is understanding, then take her out for a virgin margarita and have a friendly talk with her about your wedding and maybe your expectations as a bride of your friend.  If not, then I don't know...Good luck to you!!

mikeynkrib2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:c5589404-74ba-4e1b-bece-336ef383d3f4">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is this rude? : <strong>The problem is that there's no way to say it without making it sound like the bride wants her out.</strong>  It pretty much always comes across as, "I want to kick you out but don't have the courage, so if you could do it yourself it will be easier for all of us."  If someone feels they can't be in the wedding, they need to have the balls to say so. 
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

there are ways to say it. as your BM's friend, you know her best.  if you think she's the type of person to agree to be in the WP and put aside her health, comfort and even risk losing money on the BM dress all out of fear of letting you down, she needs to know you understand her position and would not hold it against her if she did back out.

as long as you are open to her opinions, honest with her and keep communication open, it is a very easy subject to broach.

you:  "hey friend, i'm worried about how you'll feel the day of.  i know it's a lot on your plate, so just keep me in the loop about everything.  and if it becomes too much for you, just let me know.  the last thing i want to do is make your day miserable."

done.  and it opens the door for her to say how she feels.    

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:f3c2b0f0-1005-4308-992c-b8d5594d82d1">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is this rude? : there are ways to say it. as your BM's friend, you know her best.  if you think she's the type of person to agree to be in the WP and put aside her health, comfort and even risk losing money on the BM dress all out of fear of letting you down, she needs to know you understand her position and would not hold it against her if she did back out. as long as you are open to her opinions, honest with her and keep communication open, it is a very easy subject to broach. you:  "hey friend, i'm worried about how you'll feel the day of.  i know it's a lot on your plate, so just keep me in the loop about everything.  and if it becomes too much for you, just let me know.  the last thing i want to do is make your day miserable." done.  and it opens the door for her to say how she feels.    
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]
But that still sounds like you want her out.  (Hypothetically, of course.)  I'm sure the BM is aware that she can step down.  For the bride to bring it up at all gives the impression that it's what she wants.  A better way would be to just say, "Hey, make sure you let me know if there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable at the wedding."  Same idea, without throwing the "you can't handle it" nugget out there.

dkgilly

I think so.

One of my Bridemaids is due 3 weeks before my wedding and I would never ask her to step down.  If she isn't up to being in or coming to the wedding, that's her call.

dkgilly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b6110375-a4a7-49c1-87a5-fbc8a160c814Post:42ed5cb5-23fd-41f5-b3b7-731c0f2ac13a">Re: is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Hey, make sure you let me know if there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable at the wedding."  Same idea, without throwing the "you can't handle it" nugget out there.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
I agree!  We've made plans to invite my bridesmaids family (her husband is also a groomsman and his faily is invited as well), so that if she comes with a newborn, she'll have extra hands to help!

lindsaynewbride10

WHEN is it ever ok to "kick out" a BM?!?!?! It's not your job to mother this girl or to make decisions for her. If she feels there's too much on her plate to be a BM in your wedding, she'll let you know.

laurenes

Definitely not ok to kick her out. I never understood why girls thought that having a baby means you can't stand up at the alter and hold some flowers. How is being pregnant a handicap? 

I do disagree with the idea that you can't give her an out, but it all depends on how you do it. If you ring her up and just say hey, ya know, if you want out that's cool, that would be a problem. If she's going on and on by how overwhelmed she is, then I think it would be ok to mention hey, if this BM stuff is too much, I understand.

As others have said, you need to check with your girls before you decide what your price range is going to be for dresses, or you need to be prepared to subsidize them if you have your heart set on an expensive dress. If you are going to help her get this one dress, she can always order it several sizes up and have it taken in once she has a better idea of what size she'll be.

As to wanting to back away from the stuff you are doing for your friend and general, I think that's fine. Frankly, unless you have some kind of contract with her, you are not required to provide childcare for her whilst she blows you off. It's perfectly acceptable to tell her that you've got a lot of stuff going on right now and you help her out to the extent that you used to, though if you are cutting of child care, you may want to give her a few weeks to find a new sitter/nanny. All because you are "friends" doesn't give her a license to treat you like a doormat.

jennyb61111

I think its rude to kick your friend out of your wedding..you cant expect other people to schedule their pregnancies around your wedding. Being pregnant is an exciting thing and you should be happy for your friend. If you feel your friendship has drifted apart maybe you should make an attempt to get together with her and talk..I think it would be good for both of you. Wedding Planning is stressful..this is something minor I think, besides all eyes with be on you that day anyways, I doubt anyone would care or really notice if she ended up having a dress that was a little different