So. Many. Issues.

skcampeau

Okay, so here's the skinny:
my FMIL and I don't see eye to eye.  She tell my FH she loves me, but is totally rude to me and  my family whenever we talk to her.   My FIL's haven't paid for one dime of the wedding, RD, HM, anything, and got seriously offended when my FH asked if they were helping out with the bar tab. They told him they don't have that kind of money and would try to save "as much as possible" until the wedding and give that to us as a wedding gift that we can use to pay whatever bill we want.  Please keep in mind that his parent's are not poor, and smoke a carton of cigarettes a week.  Which is there life, and they don't owe us anything, but a little help would have been nice.

So, my FMIL insisted that my fiance's younger sister be in the wedding party (she's 16, so I asked her to be a junior bridesmaid, and my FMIL threw a fit), and then is refusing to buy her the dress I have picked out.  She told me that Gabby (my FSIL) could just wear an old prom dress.  So I bought her dress.  Then my FSIL got upset because, per my FH request, I had straps put on her dress.  According to her I was "singling her out as a minor so that none of the boys there would talk to her".  And yesterday, my FH's brother sent him a message saying we had to pay for his tux if we expect him to be in our wedding.  I feel like I can't win, and my poor FH is so embarrased.  He appologizes all the time, and I feel terrible that he feels so guilty!

My FMIL keeps inviting people that neither of us know to the wedding without talking to us about it.  My parents are paying for a large amount of the wedding and we are paying for the rest!  My FIL also got uspet when my mom asked them if they would help make some of the food for the bridal shower.  She told my mom "you are just putting too many burdens on us!"  And yet, she keeps inviting people to our wedding, putting a huge fiscal burden on US!

Aside from my FIL's being difficult, my little sister and my mother have teamed up against every idea I've had.  I wanted a certain color dress; it didn't look good on my sister, so I had to change it.  I wanted a certain style; it didn't look good on my sister so I had to change it.  I bought shoes that I thought were super cute and comfortable; my little sister wanted heels and kind of had a tantrum until I changed them.  Every time I try to stand my ground and say "this is what I want", they start calling me bridezilla and tell me I'm too dramatic!

I need advice, and words of wisdom. 

Brideginat

omg this sounds a little crazy - im not gonna lie!!!  try your best to stick up for yourself on the issues that are important to you... you are starting a new life w your FH do it the way you want.  BE A BRIDEZILLA - who gives a s--t!  good luck finding your inner DIVA!!!  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_so-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b8060bfd-5d4a-40a9-96ca-6cd72beb1dadPost:d2e68c40-b5bc-4e2d-9d97-575850830dc1">So. Many. Issues.</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so here's the skinny: my FMIL and I don't see eye to eye.  She tell my FH she loves me, but is totally rude to me and  my family whenever we talk to her.   My FIL's haven't paid for one dime of the wedding, RD, HM, anything, and got seriously offended when my FH asked if they were helping out with the bar tab. They told him they don't have that kind of money and would try to save "as much as possible" until the wedding and give that to us as a wedding gift that we can use to pay whatever bill we want.  Please keep in mind that his parent's are not poor, and smoke a carton of cigarettes a week.  Which is there life, and they don't owe us anything, but a little help would have been nice. So, my FMIL insisted that my fiance's younger sister be in the wedding party (she's 16, so I asked her to be a junior bridesmaid, and my FMIL threw a fit), and then is refusing to buy her the dress I have picked out.  She told me that Gabby (my FSIL) could just wear an old prom dress.  So I bought her dress.  Then my FSIL got upset because, per my FH request, I had straps put on her dress.  According to her I was "singling her out as a minor so that none of the boys there would talk to her".  And yesterday, my FH's brother sent him a message saying we had to pay for his tux if we expect him to be in our wedding.  I feel like I can't win, and my poor FH is so embarrased.  He appologizes all the time, and I feel terrible that he feels so guilty! My FMIL keeps inviting people that neither of us know to the wedding without talking to us about it.  My parents are paying for a large amount of the wedding and we are paying for the rest!  My FIL also got uspet when my mom asked them if they would help make some of the food for the bridal shower.  She told my mom "you are just putting too many burdens on us!"  And yet, she keeps inviting people to our wedding, putting a huge fiscal burden on US! Aside from my FIL's being difficult, my little sister and my mother have teamed up against every idea I've had.  I wanted a certain color dress; it didn't look good on my sister, so I had to change it.  I wanted a certain style; it didn't look good on my sister so I had to change it.  I bought shoes that I thought were super cute and comfortable; my little sister wanted heels and kind of had a tantrum until I changed them.  Every time I try to stand my ground and say "this is what I want", they start calling me bridezilla and tell me I'm too dramatic! I need advice, and words of wisdom. 
Posted by skcampeau[/QUOTE]

willywally5

Ummmm, I'd elope. ; ) 

Teasing, of course. But wow ... that's A LOT to handle. 

I'd quit giving in to everyone, honestly. And tell your Future In-laws the guest list has been capped and that it may be necessary to make some cuts due to budget/space constraints. Go thru the list and get rid of peoplle you don't know! This is day is about you and your fiance, and the in-laws have no financial stake in it so, while it's OK for them to indicate preferences or ask about the guest list, it is not OK for them to hijack all the plans. I love the part of jr. BM wearing 'an old prom dress.' Yegads.

You and your fiance need to learn a new word: NO! 

Say it with me now ... No. No. NO! ...hell no.  Oh, no! Nuh-uh!  ... No way, Jose ... try it anyway you like. Just get used to it rolling off your tongue. And when the nutty requests and demands start coming, USE IT! 

You are not by any means being a Bridezilla. Your family is just pushing your buttons by throwing that term out there to manipulate you into doing what THEY want you to. I suspect you have been manipulated and a please much of your life, which I can totally relate to cuz I was the exact same way! But pleasers don't get what they want out of life ... they get what OTHER PEOPLE want them to want.  And sometimes that's just not healthy, right or fun. That is my wisdom. : )

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_so-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b8060bfd-5d4a-40a9-96ca-6cd72beb1dadPost:d2e68c40-b5bc-4e2d-9d97-575850830dc1">So. Many. Issues.</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so here's the skinny: my FMIL and I don't see eye to eye.  She tell my FH she loves me, but is totally rude to me and  my family whenever we talk to her.   <strong>My FIL's haven't paid for one dime of the wedding, RD, HM, anything, and got seriously offended when my FH asked if they were helping out with the bar tab</strong>. They told him they don't have that kind of money and would try to save "as much as possible" until the wedding and give that to us as a wedding gift that we can use to pay whatever bill we want.  Please keep in mind that his parent's are not poor, and smoke a carton of cigarettes a week.  Which is there life, and they don't owe us anything, but a little help would have been nice. So, <strong>my FMIL insisted that my fiance's younger sister be in the wedding party</strong> (<strong>she's 16, so I asked her to be a junior bridesmaid</strong>, and my FMIL threw a fit), and then is refusing to buy her the dress I have picked out.  She told me that Gabby (my FSIL) could just wear an old prom dress.  So I bought her dress.  Then my FSIL got upset because, <strong>per my FH request, I had straps put on her dress</strong>.  <strong>According to her I was "singling her out as a minor so that none of the boys there would talk to her</strong>".  And yesterday, <strong>my FH's brother sent him a message saying we had to pay for his tux if we expect him to be in our wedding</strong>.  I feel like I can't win, and my poor FH is so embarrased.  He appologizes all the time, and I feel terrible that he feels so guilty! <strong>My FMIL keeps inviting people that neither of us know to the wedding without talking to us</strong> about it.  My parents are paying for a large amount of the wedding and we are paying for the rest!  <strong>My FIL also got uspet when my mom asked them if they would help make some of the food for the bridal shower</strong>.  She told my mom "you are just putting too many burdens on us!"  And yet, she keeps inviting people to our wedding, putting a huge fiscal burden on US! Aside from my FIL's being difficult, my little sister and my mother have teamed up against every idea I've had.  I wanted a certain color dress; it didn't look good on my sister, so I had to change it.  I wanted a certain style; it didn't look good on my sister so I had to change it.  I bought shoes that I thought were super cute and comfortable; my little sister wanted heels and kind of had a tantrum until I changed them.  Every time I try to stand my ground and say "this is what I want", they start calling me bridezilla and tell me I'm too dramatic! I need advice, and words of wisdom. 
Posted by skcampeau[/QUOTE]

1)  Your FILs do not have to pay for any of your wedding if they don't want to.  And it was rude of your FH to ask them to help pay for the bar tab.  If they wanted to help they would offer.

2)  Just because someone insists that someone be in your bridal party does not mean that you have to listen to them, but that ship has sailed.  I kind of agree with your FMIL that you are singling FH 16 year old sister out.  Being called a junior bridesmaid is rude.  She does the same exact thing as a BM so why put the junior stamp on it.  Also, your FH wanted straps put on the dress, seriously?  Why?  She is 16 not 6 and should have complete say over her dress and whether straps are added or not.

3)  As far as you FH brother goes, then I guess he just won't be in the wedding.  You should not have to pay for his tux just so he will stand up there with his brother.  Let him know the final day to order the tux and if he still throws a temper tantrum then I guess he will be going as a guest.

4)  Just because your FMIL keeps inviting people to your wedding does not mean that you have to invite them.  I am sure she is inviting them by word-of-mouth and since she isn't contributing to the wedding you do not have to add these people to your guest list.  Only she will look like an asshat when these individuals do not receive invites.  I would have your FH tell her that all the people she "invited" to the wedding you are unable to accomodate.  It is beyond rude that she would just invite people to a wedding that she isn't hosting without consulting you and your FH.

5)  It was rude of your parents to ask your FILs to make food for your shower.  Again, if they wanted to help out they would have spoken up.

6)  As for the last portion about your Mom and sister.  There comes a time when you need to put your foot down.  You will never make everyone happy but conceding everytime someone complains makes you a doormat.  Start standing up for what you want.  Saying you want a certain color dress for your BMs, or certain flowers for your bouquet, or a certain flavor for your cake is not being a Bridezilla it is you stating what you and your FH want for your wedding.  But since your parents are paying for most of your wedding you have to work together and compromise.

At this point stop talking to your FMIL about your wedding plans.  Her attitude is not going to change.

MairePoppy

Haha Willy Wally - ELOPE! was my first thought, too.

Your FILs are not obligated to give you $$ for your wedding. It's their money, they can spend or burn it if they wish. So please don't judge them for that.

Your FSIL is too old to be referred to as a junior bridesmaid. Call her a bm, just like the others. You should have offered all the of bms the same dress choices, straps optional. Not sure why your Fi interfered with that.

All the rest sounds crazy on their parts. Your fi should handle the problems with his family. He can tell his brother that if he can't afford to rent the tuxedo, then he will be welcome to attend as a guest. The important thing to him is that he is there. Or if he chooses, he can pay for the tuxedo rental - that's his decision to make. He is not obligated to pay for brothers tux.

Fi should tell his mother that he needs her guest list of X number of people, by X date. You will be mailing the invitations and absolutely no verbal invitations will be honored. It will be up to her to inform the others that they are not invited to the wedding.

As the bride you should have been able to pick out the colors and style of your bm dresses, within reason, as long as you respected everyone's budget. I'm pretty fussy about shoes, so I woudn't be too happy if I was told to wear a certain shoe. It would have made more sense to pick a color and let everyone pick and pay for their own.

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by family members on both sides. Do yourself a favor and take a break from them for awhile.