MIA mother

cwill6212

LONG story - but I'll try to hit the highlights.

My mom and I used to be super close. She and my dad divorced when I was 2 so she raised me mostly as a single parent. Even after I moved away from home, we talked daily and I saw her almost every weekend.  Fast forward to 2006 when my dad passed away.  He was in and out of my life--but he was still my father. I grieved heavily, because he was gone and there was never a chance for him to be a part of my life.  My mom never understood that grief (and I think she had her own demons/grief over my dad's death) As a result, our relationship changed. Our conversations and visits lessened. In 2009, randomly on Fathers Day, my mom called to invite me to lunch, which we did.  And that was the last time I saw her.  I took a job and ended up moving to TN that Sept. I had to tell her on a voicemail because she wouldn't answer my calls. We exchanged some emails through Christmas of that year and then she stopped. Her phone number was changed, her emails were returned, she did not answer the door when I attempted to see her and I could only find out she was safe through the local Sheriff which I call to check on her from time to time. And then yesterday, after two long years, a random Facebook message.

All of this to say---through all of this wedding planning, I have missed having a parent, especially a mother by my side.  I've spent many days crying for her and the way she turned her back on me. But after being MIA for 2 years, I am hesitant to even let her know I am getting married or anything else going on in my life. I don't even know what to do or say... Guess I just needed to vent...

Kate61487

I'm sorry to hear this :-(  I can only imagine how hard this has been on you.

I guess if it were me, and I'm still clearly hurt by her actions I wouldn't be ready to just jump right back in.  I'd proceed with caution; try to get back in touch and rebuild your relationship, and just have her as a guest when the time comes. 

But perhaps you're not even ready for that, and if so I don't blame you.  If you don't want to add the stress of revisiting that relationship right now that's okay.  I might still at least invite her, just because it sounds like you've already been making an effort, and that's something it's hard to come back from.  While clearly she's hurt you, at the same time you don't want to be the one driving a wedge even further in.

I wish I had something better to tell you, but I wish you the best of luck and I hope you proceed however makes you most comfortable.

cwill6212

Thank you both for comments/suggestions. It has been a tough road with my mother. But I am lucky to have a wonderful fiance who loves and supports me to no end. I sent a simple reply to her message and am just leaving it at that. I'm not sure she will even respond again, so I guess I am testing the waters a bit.  One thing is for sure-I do not need the added stress of revisiting all this drama again. I would like her to be a part of my day-but if she can't see past herself to just be there for me, I might be better off surrounded by my homemade "family of friends". With both of my parents, I have always had to be the one to extend the olive branch or waive the white flag-so I guess this time will be no different. My goal is - no regrets.

Now onto happier things! Like invitations and more wedding stuff!

RaptorSLH

I'm sorry.  That sucks.  

The only practical thing I can think of to say is that not inviting her to the wedding could be a permanent bridge-burning move, so decide with that in mind.

No, actually, there is one more thing, and it's about your "white flag" comment.  I've been there, the one always expected to forgive any insult, and surrender in any dispute.  You're getting ready to begin a new life with someone who loves and is devoted to you.  Extend the olive branch if you will, but don't do anything that sacrifices your FI or your mental health.  The two of you deserve your chance.

em01092

I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't seen my mom since I was 8 and didn't even know if she was alive until a random email message when I was 13. My parents divorced when I was not even 2, she was 18 when she had me, and was not ready to be a parent. She told me she left me and moved to Vegas because she didn't think she could be a good mom to me and I guess I understand that and am grateful since she has been on drugs and with some crazy people, but it's hard sometimes. 

She and I briefly corresponded through emails and MySpace for a few years, then she deleted me and completely cut me out of her life for no reason whatsoever. She denies she has a daughter (I contacted a friend of hers through MySpace) and writes off everything that ever happened in her past life. What sucks more is that I have a half brother who is 10, and in 8 years I will be trying my best to find and contact him. He deserves to know he has a sibling. 

Muffin'sMom

I am 53 years old, and have been dealing with my version of your mother for most of my adult life.  I know how you feel about always being the one who apologises (even when you did nothing wrong) and always being the one to reach out one more time.

My daughter got married two years ago.  My mom and dad were invited, and they chose not to attend.  They also chose not to send a card, a note, a gift...nothing.  Truth be told?  We had a better day.  Everyone would have been tense had she attended.  Did I miss my dad?  Yes.  It breaks my heart that he w
on't tell her to sit down and get over herself.

Yet, I keep trying.  My daughter is having her first baby in June.  When we called to tell them...my mother said, "Oh...how nice...here's your father."  Like I said...she's fabulous.

No one will be able to say that I did not try.  I send birthday cards, Christmas cards.  I tell her the big stuff.  That being said, I don't feel what I did.  I told her her that I could handle the hurt she shovels at me...I've had half a century of practice.  But, she hurts my baby, and we're done.  SO, like I said, I do the polite thing and keep her away.  I have my family that I have made over the years.  They love us and we love them.  It's more than enough.

Do what you need to do to be at peace.  Don't let anyone tell you what you "should" do.  Have a wonderful day. 

Oh...and if you need a *Mom*...I'm available and have experience 

cwill6212

@ Muffinsmom-You are incredibly sweet. Thank you for sharing you story. It is strangely familiar in so many ways. I suppose my mom did not have the best example and she and her mother had an odd relationship. I recall, as a child, not seeing my grandmother for months, sometimes years, at a time. I can remember my grandmother threatening to "x" us from the will when she and my mom were on the outs. It was only in the last few years of her life that my mom and grandmother had a semi-decent relationship. Looking back, I can see that the relationship I had with my mom was never healthy... even during the times we were close... But, as I did with my dad, I will continue to try to reach my mom. Even if she chooses to stay away and not be a part of the life I am building, I will know in my heart that I did all I could do. I just know I have to break this awful cycle and definitely not pass this treatment and unhealthy relationship to my children.  Everything I have seen/experienced will be converted into a "What Not To Do" :P

PS-I am sure you were amazing as the mother of the bride.