Moms and Maids

Advice requested re: morning of the wedding FIL and getting ready

Some background:
My FMIL - nice woman, has 2 son's and is used to being told yes.

Asked me if she could see my dress or if I wanted it to be a surpirse, I stated I wanted it to be a surprise.  Her reply "fine, then my dress will be a surprise too" ... That aside. She then requested that we could do something together, so she said we could do the hair and makeup trials... I said ok (since I was put on the spot). 

Here's my thought process -
Morning of wedding - myself, my mom, & my bridesmaids get ready together.  Those who want their hair and makeup done get it (I have no preference). 
Mother of the groom - get's ready with the groom? 

My questions are 2:
1)  Where does the Mother of the Groom get ready typically (since she won't see me before the wedding)

2)  I was thinking it would make more sense for me to get my hair & makeup trial done with bridesmaids, as I figured you go try on veils afterwards and even the dress to see how it looks.

What do others do?
(thanks in advance for your help!)
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Re: Advice requested re: morning of the wedding FIL and getting ready

  • edited December 2011
    In my experience, usually on the day of the wedding the MOG gets ready on her own and meets her son and the groosmen at the location of the ceremony for pictures.  However, it sounds like your MIL wants to be included in the wedding planning.  With 2 sons, she is probably hasn't had the chance to be involved in a lot of planning and is feeling a little left out of the excitement.   If it wouldn't make for an ackward situation, I would include her in at least the trial stages.  Me personally, I wouldnt want her there on the day of the wedding.  That is a time for you ,your bridesmaids, and your mom. 

    I also wanted to keep my dress a surprise, but then I felt like I was leaving ppl out of the excitement.  I showed them a picture of the dress on the model so at least there is still some element of surprise when they see the dress on me. 

    As far as trying on your dress, veil and other accessories, I plan to do the same thing after getting my hair done.  If my MIL was with me and you want to keep the dress a surprise still, you will just have to be honest with her and let her know your plans. 

    Or you can try to include her in other aspects of the wedding so she feels included and do the trial and accessories without her. 

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  • NicnJen01NicnJen01 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    We're not speaking to our MOG at this time (her choice not ours) and I think that whatever crawled up her butt will be out by our wedding, as I can't imagine her passing up an opportunity for attention. 

    With that being said I have the same issue, especially since we're going to be relying on her as she's the mother of 2 of the kids in the wedding and grandmother to 1 so i'm pretty sure I'm going to be stuck with her at some point as well- even though i'd rather just not see her, she's said some very hurtful things about me and to be honest I'd like to invite her husband and the kids and she can stay at home. 

    Does she live far?  My FMIL is about 45 minutes away from the church, adn most likely will want to use her hair dresser etc.  Therefore I'll get to do all the stuff with my girls and my mom and FI daughter and then if anything I won't have to see her until we're waiting around the church.  That is my game plan.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The day of our wedding my MIL came to my house to have her hair and makeup done.  Once she was finished she went to her home to make sure all the boys were getting ready (this was discussed beforehand because I know my husband and his friends very well and they all get easily distracted and lose tract of time).  She then arrived with the guys to our ceremony location.  Once there she hung around with them but then also stopped up to my suite to see me and to get her flowers.  In the end I really didn't care nor did it bother me nor did I really even notice that she was with me, my mom and two BMs on the day of the wedding.  You will be on such a wedding high that nothing will really make you that upset.  However, if you really want your dress and the complete bridal look to be a surprise to her then I suggest letting her know this but also making a small moment where she can see you before the ceremony.  As much as you would like to spend all your time with your mom beforehand, this lady will become your MIL and since you said she only has 2 boys probably wants to experience parts of the wedding through the bride.

    I hope this helps.  Don't let little caddy remarks and such from her dampen your spirits.  Just have a talk with her about the day of arrangements and then see what she has to say.

  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    To your first question, the MOG usually gets ready on her own somewhere (be it her house, hotel room, or church). Sometimes Brides leave open invitations to include MOG but for the many weddings I've been in the MOG usually just gets dress on her own and goes to see the Groom, and then the Bride (sometimes).

    As for hair trial there are no rules to who can and can not be present. Plus since you already said yes to her (even if she did put you on the spot) don't back track and say no now. If you want to try on veils and your dress, try to go later in the day so that after the hair trial you can go to lunch and then go off your separate ways. 

    Don't know what your relationship is with your FMIL, but a good number of Brides try to include them when they only have sons just so that they feel included. Not saying you have to but most people do it as a kind gesture and many MOGs really appreciate it. 

  • edited December 2011
    Her dress can be a surprise. Presumably, she's more mature and experienced than you are in dressing for weddings, so she's more capable of choosing something appropriate. No need to worry.

    The mother of the groom typically gets ready in her own home or hotel room. Typically, the two sides do not really interact with one another on the reception day until the wedding, there not really being much interaction in the ceremony. [huge exception for Jewish weddings] Or so it was during the horrible, awful, no good, very bad days of Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Guide to Etiquette 1958. Even today, I'd feel very strange being in any kind of undress in front of my FMIL, or anyone else I haven't known well and long.

    Since you agreed to have her with you for hair and makeup trials, you should stick with that. You can arrange to meet your bridesmaids at the bridal salon afterwards to try things out with the veil. [If, of course, your bridesmaids are up for this extra round of watching you play dress-up. Of course, all they have to show up for is the rehearsal and the wedding day.]
  • cmusmiles85cmusmiles85 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    MOB, MOG, and Bridal Party will all be getting ready together in my parent's hotel suite (hair/make-up team is coming to us).
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  • bstentbstent member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I haven't really thought about it til now, but I will definitely have an open invitation to my FMIL to get ready with me. She has 3 sons and no daughters, so I have tried to involve her in a lot of things because she will never get to be a MOB. I also plan to invite her dress shopping with me.
    All that being said, my FMIL is amazing, and I spend time with her by choice, just the two of us. I have heard of other MILs who are not so wonderful. I have a couple friends who, had they invited their FMILs to get ready with them, would have added a ton of stress onto themselves the morning of their wedding. In that case, I don't think it's the best idea. My mom is also not threatened or uncomfortable at all with having her involved (I know some mothers feel strongly that it's "their" moment too, but my mom is happy to share the MOB role with FMIL). If it upset or hurt my mom's feelings, I would possibly reconsider (as long as she wasn't being unreasonable).
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Traditionally, as PPs have said, the MOG gets ready on her own and meets the boys for pictures beforehand.

    For me, the wedding was in my home town, so MIL requested I make a hair appointment for her.  She got hair and makeup done at the same salon as me and my girls, we went back to my house after and she went back to her hotel room. 

    I was a TINY bit irked when she arrived at the salon HOURS before her appointment (while my mom and I were getting our stuff done, none of the girls were even there yet), but it turns out she did it because she wanted to pay for everyone's hair and makeup as a gift, which was beyond generous of her. Aside from her early arrival I hardly noticed she was there. 

    You already agreed to have the trial with her, and if she's having a trial done she'll want to use the same person for the wedding, so it sounds like she'll at least be with you for that part.  As PP mentioned I would never want my MIL to see me in any state of undress, so she should understand that THAT part of the day is for you and your mom and your BMs (plus you can reuse the "dress is a surprise" line)
  • edited December 2011
    i am not inviting my FMIL to get ready with me on the day of the wedding. honestly she'll make me more anxious and i'll need to be surrounded by calm people :)

    it is totally what you are comfortable with. My FI will get ready at her house so she can take part in that part of the day.
  • edited December 2011
    You already said you'd do makeup trials with your FMIL, so you're stuck with that. The bridesmaids can come too, but she must be allowed to come.

    I don't think you need to let her dress with you before the wedding, but don't suggest she get ready with the groom. Does your FI really want to be getting dressed with his mom around?

    I agree with a PP that maybe she's missing out on having daughters. Maybe you could do some non-wedding related girly things with her, like manicures (you could do those now, not necessarily near the wedding) or shopping.

    I know this is probably annoying for you, but at the end of the day it means she likes you and wants to spend time with you. Maybe you could make her feel special by showing her what you plan on using for your wedding jewelry and veil, you don't need to show her the dress and the veil and jewelry look very different when they're not with the dress so I don't think that would really spoil any surprise.

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