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MOH nightmare

futurekellismithfuturekellismith
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in Moms and Maids
Three weeks before the wedding and she tells me that her dress does not fit, and that the cut of the dress is not flattering to her figure.  Seriously?   She sent me links of dresses she likes and wants to buy one and wear it instead.  Uh, no.  What do I do?

The biggest worry is that the material will be just slightly the wrong color and look bad with the other dresses.  I feel like this is too late.  Do I just tell her to forget it?  To not be in the wedding?  Help!
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Re: MOH nightmare

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If the bms bought their dresses from a bridal shop, your MOH should be able to find a different style, in the same length and color. I think I would rather have my friend feel comfortable, in a dress that she likes, as long as she is paying for it.

    What's more important, your friendship or the dress? Don't kick her out of your wedding party.


                       
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    bstentbstent member
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    edited December 2011
    That's really annoying. Technically, if she doesn't have the dress she's supposed to wear, she's removed herself from the wedding party. BUT, and this is just my opinion, it's not the end of the world if she has a different dress, especially since she's MOH so her standing out from the others won't look weird.  She definitely should have spoken up sooner, but maybe she's gained weight or something and is feeling uncomfortable with her appearance. Imagine having to stand in front of all those people, pose for all those pictures, and spend an evening at a party where you feel uncomfortable about the way you look. I've been there, and it's an awful feeling, and sometimes hard to talk about or admit. I assume this is someone who means a lot to you or you wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding. Think 10 years down the road and you're looking back at your pictures, and scenerio one: She looks beautiful and comfortable in a dress that isn't the same as the other bridesmaids, or, scenerio two: She's not in your pictures and didn't stand up beside you on your wedding day because she didn't have the right dress.
    Again, you're within your rights to say no to her buying a different dress and basically say if she doesn't wear the proper dress she's out, but for me, with my 5 girls, I would try to accomodate any of them with this issue.
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    4LeafClover34LeafClover3
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    edited December 2011
    So the dress is more important to you than your relationship with her?? For crying out loud... let the girl pick a different dress that she is comfortable in. It isn't the end of the world and it won't ruin your pictures especially since she is MOH. Just because you are a bride doesn't mean you still don't have to be a good friend. Like PP said, maybe she gained weight and is embarrassed about it and she is panicking and wants to find a solution so she is still in your wedding and appease you. If you take her out of your wedding it will more than likely ruin your friendship. And if you don't care if it does then you aren't a very good friend to begin with.
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    em01092em01092 member
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    edited December 2011
    The fitting issue is one thing, since people gain and lose weight all the time. She should have spoken up about the cut of the dress sooner if she thought it was unflattering. Can she not have it take out or otherwise altered in time?

    My opinion is if you agreed on the dress (style, price, store, etc) and she voiced no concerns then and bought the dress, this is on her. Not being able to show up in the dress that was decided upon removes her from the WP. That said, you would be very inconsiderate not to allow her to be in your wedding, especially if weight gain is the issue and even more so if it was from a medical issue or something. 

    Is your friendship worth losing over a dress? 
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba21afa7-66cc-43bb-ad9f-f9528690579bPost:e62cc4d0-5970-408e-a7d2-0baa5d036af7">MOH nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]Three weeks before the wedding and she tells me that her dress does not fit, and that the cut of the dress is not flattering to her figure.   Seriously ?   She sent me links of dresses she likes and wants to buy one and wear it instead.  Uh, no.  What do I do? The biggest worry is that the material will be just slightly the wrong color and look bad with the other dresses.  I feel like this is too late.  Do I just tell her to forget it?  To not be in the wedding?  Help!
    Posted by futurekellismith[/QUOTE]

    <div>You need to ask her if she has even tried talking it to a taylor and seeing the cost of alterations. I agree with em on what she has stated. If the MOH agreed on a certain dress (price, etc) then it is up to her to do what is needed to make the dress work if her weight has changed (unless like em has said the weight changes are due to medical type of things).</div><div>
    </div><div>As for the wrong color, MOH can have a different dress and even color then other BMs to make them stand out a little more so I think your worry about a different dress being not looking good with the other dresses is a very very slim chance. . My best friend actually did this for her wedding. The MOH was a bigger girl and the dresses the BMs got were not big enough for her (the bust part), so my best friend got a swatch from the BMs dresses and found a different dress for the MOH that was much more flattering for her. Everything looked cohesive and everyone was happy.</div><div>
    </div><div>So if the MOH can't get the dress altered, I would really just be accommodating because to me a dress isn't worth the possibility of not having a close friend up there.</div>
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Think about it this way. It's her body and her dress that she has to pay for and wear. She's the MOH, so it's okay for her to be dressed differently anyway (and the matchy-matchy bridal party is going out of style as well). Why not let her buy a new dress as long as it fits in the color scheme? Is it really the end of the world?
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    kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i would be freaking out too...it of course throws off your vision for the day and is yet another monkey wrench you shouldnt have to deal with. I am sorry you have to because its something you shouldnt have to.

    but anyway...now that the problem needs a solution: you dont want to ruin a friendship right? I personally like the MOH being in a different color whether it be complimentary of the original color...so completely different but still part of your color scheme or a variation of the original color...darker lighter w/e. Its a great way for her to stand out from your other BMs.

    You definitely want them to be comfortable...and i know it sucks to have to change things around, but the last thing you want is her trying to squeeze into it and being uncomfortable because you will hear about it from here on out and the day of your wedding.
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    futurekellismithfuturekellismith
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I paid for her dress and we got them at Target.  They only make up to a size 18, and she order a size smaller so that she would have motivation to lose weight before the wedding.  When I asked about having it altered she said it wouldn't be worth putting the money into a dress that she will never wear again, yet, she wants to buy a 200 dollar dress from Macy's.  She threw me a bridal shower, but didn't send out the invites until a week before, meaning some people didn't get them until only a few days before the event.  Asked me for phone numbers for the guests and then didn't even attempt to call them to see if people were coming.  She was late to my dress fittings, an hour and a half late to the bridal shower my aunt threw for me after no one showed up to the other one.  I have seen her every weekend in the last month and a half.  She had ample time to tell me the dress didn't fit.  And I understand that its hard to talk about things like that, but when I was asking for her opinion about dresses back in January she could have spoken up.  I just think its too late.  And I have a ton of other things to deal with to be worried about her being able to match the color to a different dress, or to find one that even fits.
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    futurekellismithfuturekellismith
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And I forgot to say that no one came to the bridal shower that she attempted to throw because people didn't have time to get things together to come.  And her response was not a sorry, or anything.  It was blaming my friends that she has never met for being inconsiderate and not coming.  She came down that weekend to help in the planning process, and the only planning we got done is me showing her the receptuion venue.  The rest of the time I listened to her talk about her own wedding, which is two years away.  I am just aggravated and I know that a lot of this is stress.  I am trying to be as flexible as I can, but I am so disappointed in the way that she has handled things.  She has done nothing to make things anywhere near easier for me.  I mean, I realize that she isn't the wedding planner, but I feel like if you are the MOH you have a few duties that you need to help with, and she hasn't done anything.

    My future sister in law has offered to use the size 16 and take it in if I need someone other than her.  I have almost gotten to the point that even if we are able to exchange it for an 18, and it "kind of" fits, that I would rather not have her in the wedding anyhow.  I hate that because I considered her one of my closest friends, but she has sure not acted like a friend should.  She could have told me much sooner, and then things would be different.  It's just too late at this point.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba21afa7-66cc-43bb-ad9f-f9528690579bPost:77a64a2b-d18c-4ca5-a95c-edba2f6e70df">Re: MOH nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]I paid for her dress and we got them at Target.  They only make up to a size 18, and she order a size smaller so that she would have motivation to lose weight before the wedding.  When I asked about having it altered she said it wouldn't be worth putting the money into a dress that she will never wear again, yet, she wants to buy a 200 dollar dress from Macy's.  She threw me a bridal shower, but didn't send out the invites until a week before, meaning some people didn't get them until only a few days before the event.  Asked me for phone numbers for the guests and then didn't even attempt to call them to see if people were coming.  She was late to my dress fittings, an hour and a half late to the bridal shower my aunt threw for me after no one showed up to the other one.  I have seen her every weekend in the last month and a half.  She had ample time to tell me the dress didn't fit.  And I understand that its hard to talk about things like that, but when I was asking for her opinion about dresses back in January she could have spoken up.  I just think its too late.  And I have a ton of other things to deal with to be worried about her being able to match the color to a different dress, or to find one that even fits.
    Posted by futurekellismith[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>The only thing that she did wrong was try to use your wedding as motivation to lose weight. I wish people wouldn't use a wedding to try to loose weight because unless your the Bride it very rarely works out. But if she wants to pay $200 for a dress she actually likes, why don't you just let her do it.</div><div>
    </div><div>But wow, you know what the other stuff you mention makes you sound really demanding, and stubborn. You may see this as harsh but this is my interpretation of the more details you are giving. She might have been late on the invites but it really isn't her job to call people to see if they are coming, I think it is the other way around when it comes to RSVP. As for the dress fitting she didn't need to come anyway, same for the other shower. </div><div>
    </div><div>You are making it so hard on yourself making a big deal about matching color. Seriously, it isn't a huge deal that she finds a different dress, people do NOT notice if the shade is exactly right. But if this is the hill you want to let you friendship die on go ahead and tell her find a way to get the dress alter or she will have to step down. </div><div>
    </div>
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    HandBananaHandBanana member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    All the middle stuff about making them go to fittings and your shower being planned last minute are no biggie.  It is frustrating that it was planned on such short notice but you should be grateful that she planned and threw a shower for you.  Just let it go if you want to continue your friendship.  Your MOH has her own life and it is not her responsibility to make any of your wedding planning easier. 

    Also, if its the MOH, why not put her in a contrasting color and a different dress of her choice?  I can't imagine how difficult it is for her to come to you and tell you that she can not fit into the dress.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You're starting to sound like a brat about the glitches with the shower.  She didn't have to throw you a party, you know.

    Have her wear a dress she likes in a coordinating colour.
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    covejackcovejack
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba21afa7-66cc-43bb-ad9f-f9528690579bPost:a277c39f-e9a0-4b8c-bb16-a1d19c5bc518">Re: MOH nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]And I forgot to say that no one came to the bridal shower that she attempted to throw because people didn't have time to get things together to come.  And her response was not a sorry, or anything.  It was blaming my friends that she has never met for being inconsiderate and not coming.  She came down that weekend to help in the planning process, and the only planning we got done is me showing her the receptuion venue.  The rest of the time I listened to her talk about her own wedding, which is two years away.  I am just aggravated and I know that a lot of this is stress.  I am trying to be as flexible as I can, but I am so disappointed in the way that she has handled things.  She has done nothing to make things anywhere near easier for me.  I mean, I realize that she isn't the wedding planner, but I feel like<u> if you are the MOH you have a few duties that you need to help with,</u> and she hasn't done anything. My future sister in law has offered to use the size 16 and take it in if I need someone other than her.  I have almost gotten to the point that even if we are able to exchange it for an 18, and it "kind of" fits, that I would rather not have her in the wedding anyhow.  I hate that because I considered her one of my closest friends, but she has sure not acted like a friend should.  She could have told me much sooner, and then things would be different.  It's just too late at this point.
    Posted by futurekellismith[/QUOTE]

    Nope to the underlined part.
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry this is happening, but I agree that you should just let it go. Your friend shouldn't have blamed others for not attending your shower that she threw last minute. Yes, you can't fault her for when she sent out invites since she may have been busy and showers are a gift anyway, but she should accept that last minute invites= fewer guests. 

    I don't speak from experience, but it seems like this is something that appears to be a huge issue now that won't cross your mind when you think of your wedding 5 years from now. I say let her get what dress she wants, cost aside (her problem, not yours), and call it a day. If she is a little different, so what? Like PPs said, that is very popular now. Bottom line? Less stress for you. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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    futurekellismithfuturekellismith
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's not so much that I needed her to do these things or even expected them to begin with (shower, dress fitting etc)... I am just disappointed I guess because she has a lot of great ideas with no follow through.  It's not even that I am mad about all of those things falling through even.  But through this whole dress ordeal, nothing I have suggested has been to her liking.  I offered to go pick out a different dress somewhere so that I could be the one to see it and approve it and then if it was something that she would wear she could get that one instead.  I am going to go to David's bridal tomorrow and pick out a dress in the contrasting color.  We shall see what happens.  It's not even that I am opposed to a different dress, I just want to pick it out and know what she will be getting before the rehearsal dinner.  She lives a 3 hours away, and with only 4 days off until the wedding, I just don't have time to go dress shopping with her and drive up there to do it.  Her attitude this whole time is what has been the biggest nightmare.  Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people.  And I know how it sounds ladies, I know that I am being a little stubborn on this.  

    I think what bothers me more than anything that she waited this long to tell me it didn't fit.  She ordered a 16, and now wants a size 22.  Thats a pretty big difference.  And I am not a size 2, nor do I pretend to be completely content with the way that my body looks in everything.  I have struggled with my weight my whole life, so I get it...I really do.  And that is what makes this so difficult.  The attitude she has given me about this isn't really what I would expect for someone that is sorry about how things were going, or even embarrassed or what not.  It's almost as though she has this feeling of entitlement, and that is what is frustrating.
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    futurekellismithfuturekellismith
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba21afa7-66cc-43bb-ad9f-f9528690579bPost:9ea9461d-aa9f-47d7-ad4a-342a87462b6d">Re: MOH nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry this is happening, but I agree that you should just let it go. Your friend shouldn't have blamed others for not attending your shower that she threw last minute. Yes, you can't fault her for when she sent out invites since she may have been busy and showers are a gift anyway, but she should accept that last minute invites= fewer guests.  I don't speak from experience, but it seems like this is something that appears to be a huge issue now that won't cross your mind when you think of your wedding 5 years from now. I say let her get what dress she wants, cost aside (her problem, not yours), and call it a day. If she is a little different, so what? Like PPs said, that is very popular now. Bottom line? Less stress for you. 
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with you, it probably won't be a huge deal  even a week after the wedding.  So yes.  I am compromising.  I found a dress for her to purchase that is on sale for 99 dollars at David's bridal.  It looks very much like the ones that she wants to buy at the department stores and it is available off the rack in the complementary green.  I am not confident that it will be to her liking even still.  Cross your fingers for me!  I am trying to not be stressed out about this, but it's just a last minute wrench that threw me off.</div><div>
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she is being stubborn on not finding something to both your liking now, then it is her that is the wrong. She bought the wrong size, she is luckily you are compromising and letting her find a new dress. I know you are stress with the wedding so hopefully you both find something to your liking and get this done with. Best of luck.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Fingers crossed!   Good luck.
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