More FMIL problems....

Meg&Jon6113

I have seen a few other posts with similar situations, I decided to post because of one detail, my FIL's are basically paying for the wedding. The original plan was FI and I would be able to pay for everything then circumstances happened and we haven't. His parents are financially stable where as my family simply just doesn't have the extra. My dream wedding would be very small, intimate,and personalized- but I am marrying into a BIG catholic famliy so thats not an option. Also, my style (and FI for the most part) is very modern, ecclectic (sp?) I pride myself on being different and I really want to surprise our guests. However..... FMIL is very traditional and stoic and unmoving. We are getting the decor we want, and photographer, DJ, flowers etc but she is very adament about what she doesnt like: I do not want a veil- I have looked at headpieces and eve hats and she just sticks her nose up, FI and I would like to make a donation (OUR money) to a non profit instead of favors  but she requires favors!! (Candy doesn't count). And apparently escort cards are insulting to the guests. These things and the other small things I can live with, it is the stuff I can get and pay for and she wont know the difference until the day then get over it. 

My biggest problem is that my DREAM is small/intimate/personalized and our reception venue max is 190, we sent STDs to about 230 (BIG Catholic family) FI and her say a lot wont show but im kinda freaking out because it is June and people like to vacation and I have a feeling we are really going to cut it close... earlier tonight I was talking with FI and he told me a secret- (FMIL is a charge nurse) and she has invited all of the nurses that work for her! We know this is a gift grab she tells us this all the time (a mimimum of 3 registries is also 'required' and a honeymoon registry is tacky) With this latest information I dont know what to do I just feel like my wedding is going to look like what I want but not the experience, which really is the most important part.. I really dont know how to handle this or her i am just so done i dont want to have the wedding at all...

AddieCake

Why would you send STDs to 230 people when your venue only holds 190?  You need to always count on 100% attendance. It's possible they won't all show,but it's possible they might, and there is a big difference between 190 and 230. If more than your venue holds accept your invitation, you're screwed. You need to find a new venue b/c STD=invitation, so you MUST invite all those people now. 

Since his parents are paying, they really do get to call the shots. If you want the wedding you want, you need to decline their money and pay for it yourselves. 

artbyallie

I agree with your FMIL that a honeymoon registry is tacky, but that's the only thing she's right about. Bottom line, though, if you don't like the strings, don't take the money. Have the wedding you and your fiancé can afford on your own.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  Your FMIL has stated the strings that come with her money.  At this point, you accept those conditions, find a new venue, and be grateful your wedding is being paid for, or you cancel your currently planned wedding, set a new date and pay for your wedding alone, with your FI. 

I will say that I agree with your FMIL on two things: honeymoon registries are tacky, and deceitful, since guests think they buy an experience for and you get a check, less whatever the site charges you.  Also, donations in lieu of favors aren't appropriate.  A donation is intended to be a small thank you for the guest - a donation to a cause you select, without a benefit to the guest (such as the appropriate tax deduction form) isn't a thank you.  It's better to donate privately.

We also didn't have our dream wedding but it was a perfect and lovely day.  Even planning everything we wanted, we were still missing family and friends who couldn't travel.  Letting go of the dream, and of the expectation everything will be perfect, in favor of focusing on marrying your FI and starting your life together, might help put FMIL's demands into perspective.

melb2013

I agree with Artbyallie that honeymoon registeries are tacky and that thtat is the only thing your FMIL was right about.

I also agree with CMGr.  Not everyone gets their dream wedding.  I'm not, but certain decisions have been made and I want to marry my FI more than having my dream wedding.  You need to either elope or have the wedding you are currently planning.

MairePoppy

You've sent STDs to 230 guests when your venue will only hold 190. And your FMIL is verbally inviting her coworkers? What is everyone thinking? That is your major issue and you all need to sit down and talk about a backup plan. All the other stuff is piddly in comparison to this.

Clothing is a personal choice. If you don't want to wear a veil, don't. Pay for your own clothes and accessories and don't discuss it with FMIL. If she brings it up, tell her you want it to be a surprise. Then keep dodging.

Donations in lieu of favors isn't appropriate. It's presumptuous to think that all your guest support your cause. If you want to make a charitable donation in honor of your marriage, that's fine, but it isn't a gift to your guests.

Your ILs are paying for your choice of dj, flowers and decor. That is extremely generous of them. They, as the hosts, get to control the guest list. You knew what you were getting into when you sent out the STDs, so don't complain now. I'd suggest that you stop lamenting the small, intimate wedding of your dreams and learn how to be happy about the big Catholic wedding that you planned with your fi and FILs.

Good luck.

ETA - your FMIL is right about the honeymoon registry. You should never ask for cash gifts.

OliveOilsMom

As PP said, you should be looking for a new venue.  There was a bride on here whose father swore his long distant cousins would not attend the wedding.  They were still sent invites and they all decided to attend.  Thankfully their venue was big enough to accomodate them all, but it did hurt their budget.

Do not do a honeymoon registry, they are tacky.  They take a percentage of the money your guests donate or while your guests think they are buying you a romantic dinner on the beach, they are not.  Honeymoon registries are deceptive to your guests.

As for the escort cards, if you are having a big wedding, its easier to tell the guests what table to sit at.  Maybe do a seating chart instead of the escort cards.  If FMIL wants open seating, her costs will be going up.  Its recommended that you add 10% plus seating to an open seating plan to accomodate tables with only one extra seat left.

I also think the veil is your decision.  Is FMIL paying for your gown as well?  I don't really see how she can have any say in your attire, if she is not paying for it.

[Deleted User]

By accepting their money, you accept the strings.  The venue should be changed to accommodate 100% attendance.  

The veil is something you should get a say one!

Meg&Jon6113

Thanks Everyone.

No she is not paying for my dress or attire or anything she is just very vocal and I dont want to be walking down the aisle to hear her telling everyone how tacky I look (which she would do). We are getting the vendors we want which I AM very grateful for it is just her attitude about the venue. We can't change it at this point it is already paid in full and we (she) would lose a few thousand dollars which she wont do. Yes I know we sent out too many STD's I fought this tooth and nail but FI (who wont talk to his mom) would not give me a total count of his side and I did not see the list until after they were sent. So at this point we are stuck. I just dont know how to approach her and tell her to stop. FI is military and currently in another state until mid march wedding is in June so I need to finish everything before he comes home. The city we live in is short on venues and stuff and places were booked for our day over a year ago when we started looking! Also, her daughter (10 years older than FI) got married 7 years ago and everything she suggests 'sister did this, she did this it was really nice you should too, just do what sister did..." First FIs sister hates both of us and wont even talk to us at family   dinners and I want my own wedding! The money thing yes FIL's are paying deposits and stuff for now but we have a plan that we can completely pay them back and finish the wedding when he is home, and they know this. As for the honeymoon registry I am sorry you all think it is tacky too we really like the idea, but we dont want gifts at all this is the nicest way we can ask for money without doing it straight out. We have a (nice) house that is paid for, we have 2 full sets of china, i have no idea how many dinnerware sets, nice kitchen utensils and copper pots. We have nothing to actually register for. But FMIL (admits) it is a gift grab for her, she wants us to get back what she has given other people for gifts. So a honeymoon registry will probably happen. Thanks everyone. 

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-fmil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba4f9ba3-9567-4d68-b623-c9430cd4e01dPost:b396504b-7ea9-4097-b1e2-6daec0083ae7">Re: More FMIL problems....</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Everyone. No she is not paying for my dress or attire or anything she is just very vocal and I dont want to be walking down the aisle to hear her telling everyone how tacky I look (which she would do). We are getting the vendors we want which I AM very grateful for it is just her attitude about the venue. We can't change it at this point it is already paid in full and we (she) would lose a few thousand dollars which she wont do. Yes I know we sent out too many STD's I fought this tooth and nail but FI (who wont talk to his mom) would not give me a total count of his side and I did not see the list until after they were sent. So at this point we are stuck. I just dont know how to approach her and tell her to stop. FI is military and currently in another state until mid march wedding is in June so I need to finish everything before he comes home. The city we live in is short on venues and stuff and places were booked for our day over a year ago when we started looking! Also, her daughter (10 years older than FI) got married 7 years ago and everything she suggests 'sister did this, she did this it was really nice you should too, just do what sister did..." First FIs sister hates both of us and wont even talk to us at family   dinners and I want my own wedding! The money thing yes FIL's are paying deposits and stuff for now but we have a plan that we can completely pay them back and finish the wedding when he is home, and they know this. <strong>As for the honeymoon registry I am sorry you all think it is tacky too we really like the idea, but we dont want gifts at all this is the nicest way we can ask for money without doing it straight out.</strong> We have a (nice) house that is paid for, we have 2 full sets of china, i have no idea how many dinnerware sets, nice kitchen utensils and copper pots. We have nothing to actually register for. But FMIL (admits) it is a gift grab for her, she wants us to get back what she has given other people for gifts. So a honeymoon registry will probably happen. Thanks everyone. 
Posted by Meg&Jon6113[/QUOTE]

To the bolded: Please, still don't do a honeymoon registry.  If you truly need cash, just create a super small registry.  There should be some upgrades that you need, like sheets, towels, home decor, or kitchen gadets.  Your guests will see how small the registry is and realize that you don't need anything and give you cash.

Also, if your FI refuses to speak with is mother about this, this is a huge red flag.  What happens when you are having a baby and FMIL insists that she be in the delivery room and your FI won't talk with her about it.  Be prepared for a future of your MIL butting in with her opinion forever, if your FI won't speak with her.  I assume you are also having a Catholic wedding.  I know it is required to go through pre-cana.  I would honestly bring this up during your next counseling session.

MairePoppy

It was very shady of your fi to keep the wedding guest list from you. He put his mothers wishes above yours. That's not a good sign.

Peledreamsofrain

If you don't want physical items as gifts, then just create small registries and spread your wishes by word of mouth.  That is the polite way of getting what you want.  Honeymoon registries are trashy, and people WILL side-eye you for it.  Besides, they literally steal part of your money.  Why would you want less money?

Also, you won't really notice people on your wedding day.  It will be a big emotional blur, and all the things that seem SO IMPORTANT right now will fall away.  If you really feel that the big wedding will ruin the day for you, then for heavens sake, just decline the money and have the wedding later when you can afford it.

Keep in mind though, if your FMIL stands to lose money with that kind of decision, you should replace that money for her.  To do otherwise would risk alienating her and creating bad blood.

artbyallie

With your update, it sounds like your fiancé is on his mother's side rather than yours, which is a serious problem that needs to be solved before you marry him.

Also, HM registries are already a lie and apparently you intend to make it even more of a lie by handing off the cash to FMIL? Yuck.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_more-fmil-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba4f9ba3-9567-4d68-b623-c9430cd4e01dPost:f145a64a-54c7-42a2-9947-39d524ad4410">Re: More FMIL problems....</a>:
[QUOTE]It was very shady of your fi to keep the wedding guest list from you. He put his mothers wishes above yours. That's not a good sign.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This is what I was thinking as well.  It is really shady that you had no idea what the final guest list was before STDs were sent out.  You have some major FI issues that you need to deal with.

I can just see all of this ending badly.  Ok so the venue is paid in full.  What happens if say 200 guests RSVP.  Your venue only holds 190.  What are you going to do?  You can't magically increase the size of the venue that you booked so where are you going to put the extra 10 guests?

As for the HM registry, yes they are tacky.  There is no polite way of asking for money.  Just don't register and people will get the hint.  But a HM registry is deceiving because your guests think they are buying you a romantic moonlight dinner on the beach, when in reality they are basically sending a website $100 which then has a fee deducted and then the website cuts you and your FI a check for $90.  No moonlight dinner reservation in sight.

PGrant

I made your mistake and married the man who put his mother's wants and his family's wants before his wife.  Run now before it is too late.  I know have a husband that won't agree to a divorce who tells me everything is my fault and who lets his mother and his family speak to me in ways you wouldn't talk to a dead skunk.