Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!

mrsbenjerry

My mother and I have  a very strained relationship and we have all my life. She's been abusive to me for most of my life and the relationship has been probably the biggest pain in my heart...

She has told me she hates me and wants nothing to do with me... but before I got engaged she kept mentioning how she was going to be at the wedding and intended on being involved.

I just got engaged very recently [yay!] and have not told her yet
she doesn't know my fiance's family or my fiance very well, but already whenever I talk to her she used to tell me things like if my boyfriend and I ever got married we'd end up with a messy divorce and horrible disgraceful children.

I will be as honest and frank as possible here.

I love my mother. I always have. I always will.

But our relationship has become a thing of obligation. I talk to her when I can because she's my mother and I love her. I visit her when I can because she's my mother and I love her. I make attempts to repair our relationship because she's my mother and I love her.

But she provides nothing positive to my life anymore. Only negative.

I feel like I SHOULD invite my mother to the wedding because she's my mother and it's a big deal.

But I'm absolutely terrified of inviting her because whenever she's around me she does bad things and sabotages things.

I would only invite her for her enjoyment.

I'm afraid I'd be scared of what'd she'd say to guests or do at the wedding.

I'm terrified of inviting her but I feel like it's the right thing to do.


What do you think? Should I invite her?

LD1970

It's OK to cut an abusive person out of your life even though she's your mother.  It's a matter of self-preservation.

mno57

You are in a tough spot here.  I  am a professional wedding planner and have dealt with this situation several times. 
I would start with talking to her in general terms about weddings (without mentioning that you are engaged.)  Bring up the idea that someday you would like her to be a part of your wedding day, but ONLY if she is willing to behave herself, and put past differences aside, if only for the day.  Ask her if she would be willing to do that.  Then talk to your father, uncle or a trusted friend that would be in charge of removing her if she can't abide by her promise, or if she acts up.
If your mother is not willing to promise you she will behave, then I would not invite her and send her a letter, explaining why she is not being included.  If you think she will show up uninvited and cause a scene, I would hire security for both the ceremony and reception.  (I've had to do that on occassion!)

CassieeK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_afraid-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba6ed120-e76e-4673-a02c-e50a5f19a8a3Post:fb9c881b-3009-4827-8b0c-17e986c2a797">Re: Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's OK to cut an abusive person out of your life even though she's your mother.  It's a matter of self-preservation.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Would you invite an aquaintance or coworker who was abusive toward you?  No.  You don't have to put up with it from anyone, and being family does not give someone a free pass to treat you poorly.</div>

4LeafClover3

I think that if this is going to be a major stressor for you on the day of your wedding then you are better off not inviting her. You want to be able to completely enjoy your wedding... not worry about what your mom is doing and saying to people or if she is about to cause a scene.

I understand you love your mother... but it is also ok not to LIKE your mother. Never keep anyone in your life that is negative, hurts you, and is abusive. Being family is not a free pass to treat people likle garbage. You are under no obligation to keep her in your life, and certainly not obligated to invite her to your wedding. Just surround yourself with loving, supportive, positive people and your wedding will be easier and so much more enjoyable.

Good luck honey. I am sorry you have had this heartache and have to go through this.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_afraid-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba6ed120-e76e-4673-a02c-e50a5f19a8a3Post:e67907c7-b9ae-4d09-b63d-beac8fd32672">Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]. But she provides nothing positive to my life anymore. Only negative.
Posted by mrsbenjerry[/QUOTE]

That line speaks for itself.

You should not invite an abusive parent out of obligation. But it sounds like you will feel guilty, if you don't.

You should take careful, baby steps. Tell your mom you are engaged and see how she responds. If she is good with it, increase contact with her and maybe introduce her to your fi.  If that goes well, then you might consider inviting her to your wedding.

You fi is your family now, and you must do what's best for the two of you.

Congratulations on  your engagement and best wishes.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_afraid-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba6ed120-e76e-4673-a02c-e50a5f19a8a3Post:e67907c7-b9ae-4d09-b63d-beac8fd32672">Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother and I have  a very strained relationship and we have all my life. She's been abusive to me for most of my life and the relationship has been probably the biggest pain in my heart... She has told me she hates me and wants nothing to do with me... but before I got engaged she kept mentioning how she was going to be at the wedding and intended on being involved. I just got engaged very recently [yay!] and have not told her yet she doesn't know my fiance's family or my fiance very well, but already whenever I talk to her she used to tell me things like if my boyfriend and I ever got married we'd end up with a messy divorce and horrible disgraceful children. I will be as honest and frank as possible here. I love my mother. I always have. I always will. But our relationship has become a thing of obligation. I talk to her when I can because she's my mother and I love her. I visit her when I can because she's my mother and I love her. I make attempts to repair our relationship because she's my mother and I love her. But she provides nothing positive to my life anymore. Only negative. I feel like I SHOULD invite my mother to the wedding because she's my mother and it's a big deal. But I'm absolutely terrified of inviting her because whenever she's around me she does bad things and sabotages things. I would only invite her for her enjoyment. I'm afraid I'd be scared of what'd she'd say to guests or do at the wedding. I'm terrified of inviting her but I feel like it's the right thing to do. What do you think? Should I invite her?
Posted by mrsbenjerry[/QUOTE]

Shared DNA doesn't give anybody the right to be abusive or the right to be a part of your life.

SSaltzman87

I definitely agree that family members don't get a free pass for treating other family members like garbage. Considering your history with her, I wouldn't invite her at all. She's inconsistant with her behavior and you don't need that stress.

crystal8503

I really feel for you here because I understand where you are coming from.  While my mother has never been verbally abusive to me in the ways you stated, she has caused such grief in my life.  I feel as if I'm always working hard to bring her into my life but the effort isn't shared.  She's a very jealous person and feels others owe her.  She is never wrong (and I seriously mean that), she is always the victim or one being attacked in any negative situation, and only a few people know the real her.  It breaks my heart and I can't tell you the amount of times I have cried about it in my 26 years of life and I would honestly never want to know the true number because that would hurt even more. 

Invite her if you want but know you are not obligated to.  What has she done to deserve it?  I am inviting my mother but as I said before, she has never said those things to me.  She just neglected us.  I say that as if it is pretty minimal....that's kind of sad.  My father raised us with my step-mother but no matter what, she is my mother and I do love her because she is my mother. 

I may be wrong here but you seem to try so hard because you feel guilty about it all and feel as if there is something you can change if you just keep trying.  There really isn't anything you can do.  It's sad that while I'm giving you this advice on how to handle your mother, these are all things I still can't help but feel and haven't let my self let go of her in that way either. 

I truly understand how you feel.  I always thought it was just me going through this for the longest time and then I came onto The Knot.  It's not just me, so that gives me a little comfort but it also breaks my heart at the same time to know others have cried themselves to sleep because of their mother.

Muffin'sMom

I am 53 years old, and I still feel guilty because I can't "fix" my mother.  There is no way for anyone to understand, unless they have been there.  In your heart you are still five years old...just wanting her to love you...just wanting what you ARE to be enough to be worthy of love.  And so, you keep trying, in the face of ALL that is rational.

We sent an invitation to my mother to come to my DD's wedding.  I will say that my husband was NOT in favor of doing so.  She got angry at how the invitation was addressed and did not come.  Although I was sad, I was also grateful.  We had a MUCH better time....and it is her loss.

mrsbenjerry

Thank you all so much for your understanding replies.

I really appreciate you all taking the time out to respond in depth about this... and I empathize with those of you who are going through/went through what I am.

I am still having a hard time deciding... But your reponses have really really helped me feel less guilty about not inviting her [I probably won't...]

I was thinking though... What do you think about inviting her to the ceremony only?
I don't really think there is much she can do that's negative during the ceremony... and if I seat her only with people who know her [I have no other family really... she's a single mother and I have no siblings] [so that she cannot whisper anything negative to any of my fiance's family... something she definitely would do.] everything might turn out okay?

What do you think of that idea?

Any suggestions on HOW to go about inviting her to the ceremony only?

She does not acknowledge being an abusive parent. So I cannot confront her and ask her to please "behave" or be nice or anything because she will act shocked  and confused [I have tried to confront her before... she denies everything...always]... so I'm also afraid of if I invited her to the ceremony only she'd make a big deal about it and feel betrayed anyway.

Do you think I should just not invite her at all... including the ceremony?

Or do you think it's possible to invite her to the ceremony and still maintain peace?

This is really tough... Thank God I still have time before the wedding.

mrsbenjerry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_afraid-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba6ed120-e76e-4673-a02c-e50a5f19a8a3Post:5cfde0dd-9324-4801-a5d6-29fc32ca7e7b">Re: Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really feel for you here because I understand where you are coming from.  While my mother has never been verbally abusive to me in the ways you stated, she has caused such grief in my life.  I feel as if I'm always working hard to bring her into my life but the effort isn't shared.  She's a very jealous person and feels others owe her.  She is never wrong (and I seriously mean that), she is always the victim or one being attacked in any negative situation, and only a few people know the real her.  It breaks my heart and I can't tell you the amount of times I have cried about it in my 26 years of life and I would honestly never want to know the true number because that would hurt even more.  Invite her if you want but know you are not obligated to.  What has she done to deserve it?  I am inviting my mother but as I said before, she has never said those things to me.  She just neglected us.  I say that as if it is pretty minimal....that's kind of sad.  My father raised us with my step-mother but no matter what, she is my mother and I do love her because she is my mother.  I may be wrong here but you seem to try so hard because you feel guilty about it all and feel as if there is something you can change if you just keep trying.  There really isn't anything you can do.  It's sad that while I'm giving you this advice on how to handle your mother, these are all things I still can't help but feel and haven't let my self let go of her in that way either.  I truly understand how you feel.  I always thought it was just me going through this for the longest time and then I came onto The Knot.  It's not just me, so that gives me a little comfort but it also breaks my heart at the same time to know others have cried themselves to sleep because of their mother.
Posted by crystal8503[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry for what you've dealt with, with your mother :( Thank you for taking the time to write this out... I appreciate your response. You're not wrong... I do try hard because I feel guilty. I've dealt with feeling guilty about my mother and I's relationship all of my life so I keep trying to fix things...
No... it's definitely not just you. Which is a good thing... because there are others for support... and a sad thing... because nobody should have to deal with these kind of things... family is supposed to be a good thing. :|

mrsbenjerry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_afraid-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba6ed120-e76e-4673-a02c-e50a5f19a8a3Post:b90f7e8c-8b4d-436b-80c5-2d55752969d4">Re: Afraid to invite my mother. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am 53 years old, and I still feel guilty because I can't "fix" my mother.  There is no way for anyone to understand, unless they have been there.  In your heart you are still five years old...just wanting her to love you...just wanting what you ARE to be enough to be worthy of love.  And so, you keep trying, in the face of ALL that is rational. We sent an invitation to my mother to come to my DD's wedding.  I will say that my husband was NOT in favor of doing so.  She got angry at how the invitation was addressed and did not come.  Although I was sad, I was also grateful.  We had a MUCH better time....and it is her loss.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]


Thank you for this response. This is very much how I feel. It's sad to know it didn't get any better for you, but I appreciate knowing that you can empathize/understand what I'm going through...

My fiance does not like my mother and I don't think he's going to want her to come either...

It also is helpful knowing you had a better time without her coming...

TinaLatina

If I were you I wouldn't invite her at all, honestly. I am in a scarily similar situation and I am not inviting my mother.