Moms and Maids

How Important Is My Mom's Opinion?

I'm on good terms with my mom for the most part but we're not as close as I would like us to be. I'm the oldest of four kids and usually fall into the background, which I'm ok with. She seemed interested in the wedding at first but now I'm not so sure.  

When we're around other people she has lots to say but when it's just us I get a "I will if I have to" sort of vibe. Obviously I still have plenty of time to get things done and am in no rush to do them but we decided to book our venue early to ensure we got the date we wanted and asked if she wanted to come with us to check it out. She made it seem like a chore but when we were there and plenty to say to the coordinator. 

I ended up finding my dress when I was out with my maid of honour. I was torn between two dresses. Knowing how upset she was that my sister didn't ask her to come with her when she bought her dress I made a second appointment to go back with just her so she could see them both. She cancled on me twice and I had to reschedule. Finally when we went she hated the one, went on about how it wasn't flattering. The second, which was what I was leaning towards was mediocre. It was nice but not what she would pick if it was her choice.  Being concerned about finding a dress that looked good on a short and plus sized body I thought I had struck gold. 

After talking to each of my bridesmaids about their dress budgets and style preferences I started looking online, for something to do. (Looking at wedding stuff has become a time filler at work when it's slow lol) A David's Bridal just opened up in my city. One of my bridesmaids was anxious about trying on dresses with my smaller maids as she is plus sized aswell and asked if the two of us could check out David's Bridal so she could try things on for sizing to avoid embarassment. We went about a week ago just for fun and ended up finding a dress under budget, in the right colour that looked amazing on her. It wasn't what I thought I'd go with at all but we loved it!  I thought for sure that as long as the other girls liked it and felt comfortable that this was the dress.  

When I showed my mom a picture of my maid in the dress and she picked it apart and went on about how it wasn't what she had pictured for that particular maid. When she tried on the dress her face lit up and she lookd beautiful. I was so happy and excited I cired a little, which is very out of character for me. 

Obviously with my entire wedding ahead of me to plan I'm a little anxious about making choices, getting excited about them and then feeling sad because it's not what my mom would have chose. Would it be acceptable to just keep the planning to my self unless she asks to be included in something? She came with us to see the bridesmaids dresses for my sister's wedding. Is it wrong of me to not ask her to tag along when the time comes or would it be best to invite her because both of my sisters are bridesmaids?

I'd like to keep things as easy going as possible but I want our special day to represent us and our tastes. I understand that it's not just bout my fiancee and I, it's about merging our lives, friends and family.  My mom was even a little let down about the colour I chose because it was too close to colour of dress shew wanted to wear. Personally, she could wear one of the bridesmaids dresses for all I care if it makes her happy but she wants to make sure she stands out. I really love my colour though. 

I love my Mom and would want nothing more than to plan the entire weddign with her help but I'm wondering how practical that really is. 

Re: How Important Is My Mom's Opinion?

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-important-is-my-moms-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bae70edd-ac65-449b-97aa-36b562ea9f63Post:7a857539-9e12-4aa9-80ee-56ce0ddbe5f6">How Important Is My Mom's Opinion?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm on good terms with my mom for the most part but we're not as close as I would like us to be. I'm the oldest of four kids and usually fall into the background, which I'm ok with. She seemed interested in the wedding at first but now I'm not so sure.   When we're around other people she has lots to say but when it's just us I get a "I will if I have to" sort of vibe. Obviously I still have plenty of time to get things done and am in no rush to do them but we decided to book our venue early to ensure we got the date we wanted and asked if she wanted to come with us to check it out. She made it seem like a chore but when we were there and plenty to say to the coordinator.  I ended up finding my dress when I was out with my maid of honour. I was torn between two dresses. Knowing how upset she was that my sister didn't ask her to come with her when she bought her dress I made a second appointment to go back with just her so she could see them both. She cancled on me twice and I had to reschedule. Finally when we went she hated the one, went on about how it wasn't flattering. The second, which was what I was leaning towards was mediocre. It was nice but not what she would pick if it was her choice.  Being concerned about finding a dress that looked good on a short and plus sized body I thought I had struck gold.  After talking to each of my bridesmaids about their dress budgets and style preferences I started looking online, for something to do. (Looking at wedding stuff has become a time filler at work when it's slow lol) A David's Bridal just opened up in my city. One of my bridesmaids was anxious about trying on dresses with my smaller maids as she is plus sized aswell and asked if the two of us could check out David's Bridal so she could try things on for sizing to avoid embarassment. We went about a week ago just for fun and ended up finding a dress under budget, in the right colour that looked amazing on her. It wasn't what I thought I'd go with at all but we loved it!  I thought for sure that as long as the other girls liked it and felt comfortable that this was the dress.   When I showed my mom a picture of my maid in the dress and she picked it apart and went on about how it wasn't what she had pictured for that particular maid. When she tried on the dress her face lit up and she lookd beautiful. I was so happy and excited I cired a little, which is very out of character for me.  Obviously with my entire wedding ahead of me to plan I'm a little anxious about making choices, getting excited about them and then feeling sad because it's not what my mom would have chose. Would it be acceptable to just keep the planning to my self unless she asks to be included in something? She came with us to see the bridesmaids dresses for my sister's wedding. Is it wrong of me to not ask her to tag along when the time comes or would it be best to invite her because both of my sisters are bridesmaids? I'd like to keep things as easy going as possible but I want our special day to represent us and our tastes. I understand that it's not just bout my fiancee and I, it's about merging our lives, friends and family.  My mom was even a little let down about the colour I chose because it was too close to colour of dress shew wanted to wear. Personally, she could wear one of the bridesmaids dresses for all I care if it makes her happy but she wants to make sure she stands out. I really love my colour though.  I love my Mom and would want nothing more than to plan the entire weddign with her help but I'm wondering how practical that really is. 
    Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

    To avoid being hurt, I would just continue to plan without your mother's input.  Is they paying for any portion of the wedding?  Because that is where her input should be requested.

    I'm sorry your mom is being such a PITA.  You are doing your best to involve your mom.  She is just not very receptive.  So ask your FI to help you plan and if your BMs are willing, ask their opinions too.

    ETA: quote
  • Thanks for the advice. 

    Fiancee and I are footing the majority of the bill. His parents are paying for the open bar and we are covering everything else. 
  • If she's not paying for anything, then her input isn't required.  Since she doesn't seem to want to be involved, don't make her involved.  If at any point she requests to be involved in something, I'm sure you'll have no problem including her.

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  • I think I can see why your other sister didn't involve your mother in everything for her wedding.  Wedding planning leaves one open and raw, like all your life decisions are on display.  It's weird, but was very true for me.  Criticism from my mother really hurt, and sometimes had me in tears.

    I had to learn the hard way to just stop sharing info with her.  If she asked for details, I gave her vague answers, and steered the conversation away from the wedding.

    Also, don't budge on the BM dresses.  It's more important that the people wearing the dresses are comfortable, not that your mother breaks out pompoms over the dress.  Don't make them suffer because of her inability to approve of things.


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  • Not important--and especially since she is not paying then it definitely is not important.  I know you want to have that experience with your mom, but if you guys don't have the same vision then you are just going to drive yourself crazy.  You found a dress you loved--awesome! Get it.  Bridesmaids found a dress they love--perfect!  Only discuss things with mom when necessary.  My mom can tend to be the negative nelly, so when she doesn't like something I like, I just say thanks for your opinion but we like it...move along.
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