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dilemma! two BM hate each other!

hynhpstlhynhpstl
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in Moms and Maids
so i'm having 4 BM at my wedding. 2 of the BMs and I were all really close and always hung out with each other... the 3 of us would always have girls night out, etc. however, a problem arised when it involved these 2 BM. Now they are no longer talking to each other nor hanging out for months now. My wedding is in july 2011 and i dont know if one of the BM still wants to be a bridesmaid. I dont know how to ask her without her thinking i'm favoring the other one. How should I approach to her without offending her and asking if she still wants to be part of the bridal party?
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Re: dilemma! two BM hate each other!

  • sprtychick10sprtychick10
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just ask her point blank if she is going to be uncomfortable with the other girl being in your WP. Tell her you want to understand how she is feeling and want to see how she feels.

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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Leave it be.  This is between them and they need to act like adults.  Being a BM doesn't mean that they need to be BFFs.  

    If you have to do something then talk with each of them privately and let them know that they mean a lot to you and you understand the situation between the two feuding BMs.  You would like for there to be no tension on your wedding day or any wedding related activities and expect everyone to act as adults (as you all should).  
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dilemma-two-bm-hate-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbfa1778-4538-4700-83da-f99b52988772Post:8976e3dd-6626-491e-8b2a-305427f7847b">Re: dilemma! two BM hate each other!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just ask her point blank if she is going to be uncomfortable with the other girl being in your WP. Tell her you want to understand how she is feeling and want to see how she feels.
    Posted by sprtychick10[/QUOTE]

    I completely disagree with this.  These women are, presumably, adults.  They don't have to be best buddies, or even friends to be in your WP.  They have to be cordial to each other.  There's no earthly reason why you shouldn't treat both of your friends as adults, and expect them to behave like it.

    If the one friend wants to withdraw because she's uncomfortable, it's her responsibility to tell you, not yours to go to her. Because here's what happens. You say:  "If you are too uncomfortable around Sadie to be in my wedding, I'll understand if you want to drop out."  She hears "I don't want you in my wedding because you and Sadie don't get along".

    FWIW:  My younger DD was MOH for her sister.  She and DD's FSIL did not get along at all.   I think it's pretty safe to say that they abhored each other.   But they were both able to be cordial when needed, and ignore each other the rest of the time.  It worked out fine.

    Their issue with each other?  Their problem to solve, not yours.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dilemma-two-bm-hate-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbfa1778-4538-4700-83da-f99b52988772Post:b0cfd827-0106-4924-848f-625642b94944">dilemma! two BM hate each other!</a>:
    [QUOTE]so i'm having 4 BM at my wedding. 2 of the BMs and I were all really close and always hung out with each other... the 3 of us would always have girls night out, etc. however, a problem arised when it involved these 2 BM. Now they are no longer talking to each other nor hanging out for months now. My wedding is in july 2011 and i dont know if one of the BM still wants to be a bridesmaid. I dont know how to ask her without her thinking i'm favoring the other one. How should I approach to her without offending her and asking if she still wants to be part of the bridal party?
    Posted by hynhpstl[/QUOTE]

    <div>JIC</div>
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dilemma-two-bm-hate-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbfa1778-4538-4700-83da-f99b52988772Post:b0cfd827-0106-4924-848f-625642b94944">dilemma! two BM hate each other!</a>:
    [QUOTE]so i'm having 4 BM at my wedding. 2 of the BMs and I were all really close and always hung out with each other... the 3 of us would always have girls night out, etc. however, a problem arised when it involved these 2 BM. Now they are no longer talking to each other nor hanging out for months now. My wedding is in july 2011 and i dont know if one of the BM still wants to be a bridesmaid. I dont know how to ask her without her thinking i'm favoring the other one. How should I approach to her without offending her and asking if she still wants to be part of the bridal party?
    Posted by hynhpstl[/QUOTE]

    <div>You do <em>nothing</em>. These 2 ladies are adults and as such will act like it when it comes to your wedding. They might dislike each other but I'm sure each can muster up enough maturity to be civil around one another when it comes to your wedding. If one is really uncomfortable in being in the WP she will come to you (not the other way around). If she can't stand the girl she can drop out on her own accord. Inserting yourself in the situation is a sure enough way to cause unneeded drama.</div><div>
    </div><div> Trust me, I have been in a WP with a girl I hate (like really really hate) and even though the Bride knew of our mutual hate she never heard one peep from either of us nor did we cause any drama when we saw each other. Why? Because we did have one thing in common, we cared about our friend enough to not ruin her day. So the best way to deal with this is to stay out of it, unless they both cause a scene at some function (bridal shower, bach. party) this is not your job to moderate them.</div>
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she doesn't want to be a BM, she'll approach you if it means that much to her. Don't bring it up with her, and don't make their friendship issue into a wedding issue for you when it isn't one. Focus on your own personal relationship with each of them and leave it at that.
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  • theta_bombshelltheta_bombshell
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I HAVEa similar situation and felt the same way you did at the beginning. I did nothing.... and Im glad. They still dont speak... but they are acting like adults and I know things are going to be ok. I wish they would mend things between themselves but I dont think itll happen. At this point... Im jsut glad things are going well.

    Dont worry about it. Its not your business even though it feels like it is.
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  • S+H2011S+H2011
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a similar situation. Two of my BMs used to be best friends then had a big fight and don't talk anymore. However, both of them are really good friends to me and are so excited to be in my wedding that they don't care that the other will be there. They've been civil when talking about wedding stuff and I'm not going to force them to spend a lot of time together and I'm also not putting myself in situations where I have to choose one over the other (ie. neither of them is my MOH, but also for other reasons).
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I wouldn't wrap myself up in others' drama.  My opinion on matters like these tend to be that if you let it be, they should understand that you are not trying to get between them, and similarly, that if they are good friends, they will care more about you on your day than about petty issues between themselves.
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, you do nothing.  Trust them to act like adults on the day of the wedding.  There's not much interaction that is needed before that, really.
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just wait. There are 9 mo to go and a lot can happen in that time. Maybe they will resolve their differences? If not, they should care enough about you as a friend to behave. And BMs don't have to do all that much with each other. They don't even have to go together to purchase their dresses once you get them selected. Like pps have said, they should be adult enough to tolerate one another for an evening. 
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't see what their fight has to do with you or your wedding.  I certainly wouldn't ask your BM if she still wants to be a BM.  If it's really that big of an issue, I'm sure she'll approach you, but as it is, they're both adults.  I'm sure they can be civil for one day.
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  • kpwedkkkpwedkk member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You've got 8 months, this shouldn't be a worry, just let it go.  They are adults as everyone has mentioned, they can figure out how to keep themselves looking great and happy for you, because a whole audience will be looking at them :)

    Don't worry, be happy!

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  • CaseyandSalleyCaseyandSalley member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I got drama in my party where it looks like two girls are going against one and I am not even going to get involved, and when the wedding happens, i know they will be nice to each other just for me. So make sure you have people standing for you that YOU WANT THERE, doesnt matter if they get along with the rest of the party
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  • nicole1125nicole1125 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a somewhat similar issue, one of my FI's Best men was with a girl for 2 years, we became great friends and I asked her to be a BM. Well about 2 weeks ago he cheated on her, he told her over the phone that he is with someone else now(after 2 years thats how you do it?!?)...ouch...at first I was worried but they are both adults and she said to me, it's your day and we would never ruin that, we will have to be civil to each other and that is all there is to it. I keep thinking at least it's 7 months before and not 1....I would hope your friends would be as respectful of you and your FI and be civil for the day, like the other girls said they don't have to be BBF or even talk to each other. I would just not have them stand next to each other maybe so it's not uncomfortable for them. But don't worry about it Im sure your friends wouldnt do anything to wreck you day. GL
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  • ScuttlekidScuttlekid
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would do nothing because they are adults, but if you feel you have to do something, maybe the next time you are with the one BM just the two of you, you can just talk. If there is something on her mind, she will bring it up to you. Trust me, if it's bothering her, she will bring it up. Once she brings it up, you can feel her out through the conversation if she is considering not being in it anymore. But I would definitely not flat-out ask her if she still wants to be in it. In a kind of similar situation, years, ago, my FI was asked to be in a wedding (his ex-gf's- weird but he was apparently friends with the groom). He was asked and then was never contacted again and he could sense some weirdness. So, being a dumb boy with good intentions, he emailed the groom and asked him if he even wanted my FI to be in it anymore. He thought he was being nice and giving the groom an "out," but then the bride emailed him back this nasty email. Total drama. Anyway, I know the roles are reversed in this situation, but the point is that the person who brings up the notion of not being in the wedding anymore almost always ends up looking bad and getting the brunt of the blame. I wouldn't want to cause a rift between anyone or make this one bridesmaid feel like the odd girl out.

    Good luck! Not a great predicament to be in.
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  • FutureDondadaFutureDondada member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Leave it. If shes that uncomfortable she can come and tell you herself. If I had 2 BMs who hated each other. Tough F'n Sht! This is my wedding and I asked you to be apart of it to support me!


    I was in my FSIL's wedding and dispise one of the BMs...but we put on fake smiles, made it through the day speaking as minimal as possible and went our own ways.

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  • deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    They are adults treat them as such.  You do nothing.  The ONLY reason you will even bring this up to them is if their not getting along causes them to act inappropirately at a prewedding party or the wedding itself.  Then you simple say how disappointed you were in their behavior and that you understand they don't get along but in the future you expect them to act like adults.  Also, you have 8 months they may be best friends by your wedding and have completely forgotten this fight.  :)
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    ditto what PPs have said - it's not your concern, they'll act like adults.  For the record I had a very similar situation; two of my BMs weren't speaking when I asked them to be in the bridal party and now they're not as close as they were, but they're rebuilding their friendship.  You've got plenty of time for it to work itself out.

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  • hynhpstlhynhpstl
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks ladies! i will leave it be and go with the flow. the only problem is that i'm closer with one of the BM's and when the 2 BMs stopped talking to each other.. i lost touch with the other BM.. i mean, i text her a few times to say hi.. but i can sense some awkwardness in the text... the BM, on the other hand, has never texted me ONCE just to say hi, like some friends would. I fee like its a one way relationship... =(
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