MOH & BM stressing me out. HELP!

daniellejohnhardin

I have had posts on TheKnot about my MOH and I wish, oh how I wish I thought this through, but never did I imagine my MOH turning out like this.

I have chosen the bridesmaids dresses and everyone was on board. The BM tried on the dresses in November, and I asked the associate how long they tippically take to get them. I was told 8 weeks. So I told the BM's that they should buy them in January as soon as possible to prevent any kind of hold up. The associate also told us if we order early enough we won't have a problem, but if it's a popular dress it could take 12 weeks.

It's now the beginning of January, and I took my younger sister in to get her junior BM's dress. I felt I liked that one better, so I told the girls about the dress. It's cheaper (which works with everyone's budget) but it's a 12 week order meaning they will have to order it now because it won't be here until the middle of April.

I have helped my JBM and my sister, who is a BM, financially because I know they don't have the money. So I know they will have their dresses on time.

My MOH and my other BM, however, are another story. My MOH is also engaged and is planning to get married in August (side note: she's still legally married to her first husband so I don't know if she'll be able to get married in August) and decided that it was more important to put money down on her own wedding dress and not her MOH dress. I feel that it's a huge slap in the face considering my wedding is just a short while away and she needs her dress, and yet she tells me she doesn't have the money for it. My other BM is also causing me some unneeded stress. She has told me that she is having some financial issues, and I'm understanding, until I find out that with the money she could be using towards a dress is going towards a new tattoo. So to me, it seems like they have their priorities a little mixed up.

So do I tell them, if they don't get their dresses in time, they are out of the wedding? I've been under so much pressure, my MOH hasn't helped me at all with the wedding planning even though I have asked her numberous times. And she's planning my Bridal Shower, but won't clue me in on anything she is doing. I don't like that, I have lots of family coming in from out of town and I need to know where it's going to be, what time, etc. so I can have them plan accordingly. HELP!! And I just crazy and this happens to everyone??

RaptorSLH

"Hi girls.  X is the recommended date to order the dress, to be sure it arrives in time.  Of course, if you aren't able to get the dress, you'll still be welcome as a guest."

I would not feel obligated to pay for a dress for someone who chose to spend the money on a tattoo instead.  It's still her choice, though.

Your bride-to-be friend deciding her own wedding dress is more important is prioritizing the right dress, although it's unfortunate she has to choose.  Your comment about her current marital status, while a juicy piece of gossip, really has nothing to do with the matter.

jemmini6

I know this can seem very frustrating, but the answer is very simple.  Give them the final deadline to order their dress, and then leave it up to them.  There's no point in stressing yourself out over things you can't control.  You've let them know when to order it, so if they don't, then they've removed themselves from your wedding.

As for how they are spending their money, it's really none of your business.  There is a saying on here that really helps people put their wedding into perspective and I think it might help you out here: "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED FOR YOUR WEDDING AS YOU ARE". 

This means that your MOH is obviously more excited about her own wedding than she is for yours (which I'm sure you are more excited for yours than you are for hers, so you can't hold that against her).  It also means that if your BM wants to spend her money on a tattoo, that's what's important to her.  Of course, it's a little disappointing that she's spending money on a tattoo now in leiu of the dress she's known she's needed for a while, but it's her choice.  Again, if she doesn't buy the dress in time, she'll either have to pay the rush charges, or withdraw from your wedding.

As for your MOH not helping you plan, that is not her responsibility.  The only 'official' duties of a MOH are to buy the dress and show up on time to stand with you.  Everything else is extra and she is not required to do so.  This is YOUR and YOUR FI's wedding, the responsibility of planning it, therefore, falls to you both alone.  If the two of you can't handle all of it, then you should hire a wedding planner.

I know this can seem overwhelming, but once you realize these little things, your life will be much easier, I promise.  I'm sure everything will fall into place and you'll have a beautiful wedding.  Happy Planning!

daniellejohnhardin

Thanks Ladies. I just feel overwhelmed and the BM dresses are a major part of the stress. I just thought my MOH would be more involved then what she has been. She has offered to go do wedding planning things with me and when we planned a day to go, she would cancel on me the morning of. I would still go because I need to get this stuff taken care of. I would call her afterwards to tell her about it and she would tell me I should have rescheduled for a better time for her. I don't think that it's right for me to plan my wedding around her schedule. If she could make it, great. If not, maybe next time.

And you are right Jemmini, no one will be as excited as I am and I will keep that in mind the rest of the short few months I have left until that day.

As for the dresses, I will contact the bridal shop and make sure when the last day of alterations and delievery they will have for my wedding and if they don't have them, then they can enjoy the wedding like the rest of my family and friends. I hate that, but I can't pay for everyone to be there.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] I don't think that it's right for me to plan my wedding around her schedule. If she could make it, great. If not, maybe next time. 
Posted by daniellejohnhardin[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't have to plan your wedding around her, but she doesn't have to put her life on hold planning yours, either.  Draft your FI if you need the help, or consult a wedding planner.</div>

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-bm-stressing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bc4dcbdb-bbdb-4005-93c5-54119f67ba90Post:66c4441d-c2e0-4c8c-ae6c-8df5d338cf5b">Re: MOH & BM stressing me out. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Ladies. I just feel overwhelmed and the BM dresses are a major part of the stress. I just thought my MOH would be more involved then what she has been.<strong> She has offered to go do wedding planning things with me and when we planned a day to go, she would cancel on me the morning of.</strong> I would still go because I need to get this stuff taken care of. I would call her afterwards to tell her about it and she would tell me I should have rescheduled for a better time for her. I don't think that it's right for me to plan my wedding around her schedule. If she could make it, great. If not, maybe next time. And you are right Jemmini, no one will be as excited as I am and I will keep that in mind the rest of the short few months I have left until that day. As for the dresses, I will contact the bridal shop and make sure when the last day of alterations and delievery they will have for my wedding and if they don't have them, then they can enjoy the wedding like the rest of my family and friends. I hate that, but I can't pay for everyone to be there.
Posted by daniellejohnhardin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree that this is annoying. Stuff happens though. Did it happen several times or just once? It's repeat offenses that get me, especially if she offered to come and/or help, not that you asked. 

</div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-bm-stressing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bc4dcbdb-bbdb-4005-93c5-54119f67ba90Post:66c4441d-c2e0-4c8c-ae6c-8df5d338cf5b">Re: MOH & BM stressing me out. HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Ladies. I just feel overwhelmed and the BM dresses are a major part of the stress. I just thought my MOH would be more involved then what she has been. <strong>She has offered to go do wedding planning things with me and when we planned a day to go, she would cancel on me the morning of. </strong>I would still go because I need to get this stuff taken care of. I would call her afterwards to tell her about it and she would tell me I should have rescheduled for a better time for her. I don't think that it's right for me to plan my wedding around her schedule. If she could make it, great. If not, maybe next time. And you are right Jemmini, no one will be as excited as I am and I will keep that in mind the rest of the short few months I have left until that day. As for the dresses, I will contact the bridal shop and make sure when the last day of alterations and delievery they will have for my wedding and if they don't have them, then they can enjoy the wedding like the rest of my family and friends. I hate that, but I can't pay for everyone to be there.
Posted by daniellejohnhardin[/QUOTE]

Then I would just stop asking her to go with me to appointments and such.  If you want someone to go with you ask your FI...it is his wedding too and has every right to be there when making the wedding decisions.

lenergyrlah

Keep in mind that your MOH is trying to plan her wedding as well.  Sure your wedding is happening first, but August isn't that far off and I can understand if she doesn't have time to help you plan your wedding as well as plan her own.

If you had to choose between buying your wedding dress and buying a bridesmaid dress for someone else's wedding, which would you choose?