I am trying to figure out what is up with my mom. I do not understand where some of her comments come from. My sisters tell me all the time stuff she says to them, but my wedding is really bringing comments out in my direction.
I've lived out west for 12 years, not near to any family. We’re doing the wedding near us. Basically everyone has to travel to our wedding even if it were in our backyard. This place is pretty centrally located so no one side is favored. Only immediate family, their SO and kids, and close friends.
My dad most likely will not make it - or even be alive - because he’s dealing with cancer and other issues. He couldn’t even fly if it were tomorrow. It would be too risky to plan stuff around him and he’s completely OK with this. He’s also not into weddings and is all for eloping as a more practical option.
Mom will have to have to fly/drive/train here somehow, just like other people, if she wants to be here. We chose our location where there is an airport. She has a lot of anxiety and takes Xanax if we just talk about flying on the phone. Mind you, she has visited me twice before, and was trying to visit me this summer but schedules did not work out. She’s capable of flying, it’s not debilitating.
Some of her comments are really off. They always have been even before dad's illness. Background – she’s got a horrible marriage with my father, she’s already insecure, thinks everyone’s talking about her or making her look dumb. Very easily hurt. I know she's depressed too.
Examples:
She wants to make her trip out here a vacation time with me. She said she prefers to stay in our house before the wedding (fly into an airport near us) stay with us 48 hours before the wedding, then come back when it's all over.
"Is there going to be anything else besides a wedding, because that's a long way to go for just a wedding."
“What’s the point in going out there for 2-3 days if I cannot even stay at your house? I might as well not even go, and then visit you a month later when it's over."
I finally said, this visit is not the time to be hosting guests. I will be too stressed/busy to host people. No she wouldn't come to help out. That's just not my mom. She told me she guesses she understands, but will eventually get over it. This seemed to have prompted other comments. My sisters have told me that she’s decided to not even go at all!
Note: I travel home two times every year for the past 12 years. I’ll still see them 2x the year of my wedding. The wedding is like a bonus visit.
I do not believe letting her stay in my home prior to the wedding will fix everything. She's convinced I simply don't want her to visit me. Our schedules not lining up this summer also had something to do with this hurt.
I told her we’re having a 3 day weekend event so that we can all see each other while we’re here. We might even get to hang out Monday before our HM. Then one sister and her family are going to Yellowstone and mom can go with them if she wants. Sister invited her. So it’s not “just 2-3 days!”
"How can you do this to us?" - She means "making" her fly out to see a wedding - I've lived here for 12 years! The west is my home! You wanted to come out West just this summer! Dad is not upset about where it’s at. His goal is to just stay alive until March to see his two new grandbabies.
"Why are you excited to get married? You already live together" - WTF. We just moved in together 5 months ago after we got engaged, and dated for 3 years!
I was married before. She did not see me get married the first time around, actually no one did because of her. I was planning something in my state and gave her 6 months’ notice to save $$. Her answer was, "Well gee, I don't know what we're going to be doing 6 months from now." That right there stopped me I my tracks of planning anything. This time I will proceed without her there.
She complains that she's not going to have enough money for a ticket (probably split lodging and a car with a sister), but then she emails me asking if she should buy new solid surface counter-tops for $2200!
Another example, she cried in the dressing room of my other sister's wedding [all of us were in there] because she felt so ugly and no one told her she looked good. Cried! We told her she was not ugly, but it's not about her, it's about sister's wedding day. We are not into coddling her.
What do you think? Is this how depressed people talk? Is she jealous of her children’s happiness? Is this narcissist? She is rather awkward in social situations. As in doesn’t know how to engaged and ask questions about the other person. She’s always thinking someone’s out to make her look dumb.