Actually it's a step mom issue.

[Deleted User]

So i'm very annoyed with my father's wife at this point. My biological parents, who have been divorced since I was a year old, have always said when I got married they would help pay for the wedding. So when it came time to broach the budget topic I came prepared. My wedding is in southern California, even for small it's still pricey. DH and I decided that $20,000 was a good amount for a wedding with 125 guests. I printed out the budgeter page to show them what I was thinking.

Mom and stepdad said great, this looks right, we'll give you $7,000. This from the frugal parents with a child starting college the same year as the wedding. I was relieved, my father makes more money and has no other children so this shouldn't be an issue. And then it was one. My step mother. When I showed them the budget she point blank told me that $20,000 was too much money for one day. I explained that I obviously wasn't expecting that amount from them. She then proceeded to pick apart my guest list to lower the cost. When I stood my ground about not excluding my MOH's son from the wedding she brought up that I was engaged once before and how we never know what will happen (No planning was ever done for that wedding and I broke it off when I caught him cheating) She basically did everything possible to make me feel bad for even thinking my father would be willing to make a contribution to the budget. 

I'm pretty offended and I feel like the choice should have been my father's. They keep separate bank accounts so it's not as though it'd be her money. Am I totally off base to be pissed that she dismissed me out of hand? I'm not saying that her and my father shouldn't decide together how much to contribute, they are married but why should I be made to feel bad about asking my father to HELP, can't stress that part enough, pay for his only child's wedding?

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_actually-its-step-mom-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:be154154-134d-438c-9b53-ebdb9242e16aPost:ac7af5c1-6136-45ea-b789-b39030acd550">Actually it's a step mom issue.</a>:
[QUOTE]So i'm very annoyed with my father's wife at this point. My biological parents, who have been divorced since I was a year old, have always said when I got married they would help pay for the wedding. So when it came time to broach the budget topic I came prepared. My wedding is in southern California, even for small it's still pricey. DH and I decided that $20,000 was a good amount for a wedding with 125 guests. I printed out the budgeter page to show them what I was thinking. Mom and stepdad said great, this looks right, we'll give you $7,000. This from the frugal parents with a child starting college the same year as the wedding. I was relieved, my father makes more money and has no other children so this shouldn't be an issue. And then it was one. My step mother. When I showed them the budget she point blank told me that $20,000 was too much money for one day. I explained that I obviously wasn't expecting that amount from them. She then proceeded to pick apart my guest list to lower the cost. When I stood my ground about not excluding my MOH's son from the wedding she brought up that I was engaged once before and how we never know what will happen (No planning was ever done for that wedding and I broke it off when I caught him cheating) She basically did everything possible to make me feel bad for even thinking my father would be willing to make a contribution to the budget.  I'm pretty offended and I feel like the choice should have been my father's. They keep separate bank accounts so it's not as though it'd be her money. Am I totally off base to be pissed that she dismissed me out of hand? I'm not saying that her and my father shouldn't decide together how much to contribute, they are married but why should I be made to feel bad about asking my father to HELP, can't stress that part enough, pay for his only child's wedding?
Posted by jelubchenkoklevens[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I can see where you are peeved because initially all was fine, but now she stepped up and is telling things are wrong. If you lurk, you know what is going to be said.</div><div>
</div><div> He who pays, has a say. And if your father and stepmother are paying then they get a say on what you spend<em> their </em>money on. Also never count on ANY money from parents even if they promised you a long time ago, until it is in your hands, so many possible problems can arise, you should always budget a wedding that you and your FI can afford. My advice, I would go back to your dad and ask if he rather pay for certain items (photography, music, etc) or give a lump sum. That way they can't pick apart your guest list because it is not their area of financial support. If she has a problem with stuff then you need to sit down with both her and your father and discuss like adults what the problems are and how to solve them.</div><div>
</div><div>Remember Money = strings and power, if your father/step-mother give any money they do have the possible control of your wedding planning. Some parents do just give the money or pay the area without complaint but some do challenge the Bride/Groom on where their money is going and they have every right to do so. Communication and cooperation is key in making things go smoothly on both sides. Good luck.</div><div>
</div>

bmass

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_actually-its-step-mom-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:be154154-134d-438c-9b53-ebdb9242e16aPost:35027b78-0159-4292-96f1-f95390711e92">Re: Actually it's a step mom issue.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Actually it's a step mom issue. : I can see where you are peeved because initially all was fine, but now she stepped up and is telling things are wrong. If you lurk, you know what is going to be said.  He would pays, has a say. And if your father and stepmother are paying then they get a say on what you spend their money on. Also never count on ANY money from parents even if they promised you a long time ago, until it is in your hands, so many possible problems can arise, you should always budget a wedding that you and your FI can afford. My advice, I would go back to your dad and ask if he rather pay for certain items (photography, music, etc) or give a lump sum. That way they can't pick apart your guest list because it is not their area of financial support. If she has a problem with stuff then you need to sit down with both her and your father and discuss like adults what the problems are and how to solve them. <strong>Remember Money = strings and power, if your father/step-mother give any money they do have the possible control of your wedding planning.</strong> Some parents do just give the money or pay the area without complaint but some do challenge the Bride/Groom on where their money is going and they have every right to do so. Communication and cooperation is key in making things go smoothly on both sides. Good luck.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]
 
This.

I feel you on this, though. I have similar issues with my step-mother being negative about the wedding. She offered to throw me a bridal shower, but then told my Aunt from my dad's side of the family to do it. My dad offered me money for my wedding and then backed down on his promise because she said that we shouldn't need help if we want to get married. I hate to say this, but she is right. Even without the money that he had promised, I didn't rely on anything they offered.

She seems like a real gem, so if you do end up taking accepting money from them, expect to hear her opinion on EVERYTHING.

GoodLuckBear14

What did your dad say?  If he's in agreement with his wife, there's really nothing you can do except start saving your money to pay for the wedding yourselves.

waitingformay

I think it was wrong of you to expect anything from either of your parents, let alone try to hit your dad up for a certain dollar amount.

I think it's fine to share your plans and potential budget and if your dad wants to contribute he will. You didn't mention what you and your FI were willing to pay. You should be budgeting based on what you and he can afford, with the 7k from your parents.

And like other posters said, money does come with strings so keep that in mind.

Cynthia1207

You should never rely on anyone giving you money for your wedding.  If you want to spend 20000$ on it, I hope you have that money saved somewhere.  If your parents want to give you 50$ or 50000$ that's up to them and you should be grateful for whatever amount. 

For your stepmom, unfortunately she is a part of this wedding and your family.  No matter whose bank account it's coming from, she has a say in how your father spends the money.  Why? They probably have joint bills to pay. 

If your father is giving a certain amount of money and she feels as though their financial situation may suffer because of it, she has every right to put a limit on how much he can give you.  Obviously the final decision is his however she is entitled to give her opinion.  Why should she put a financial strain on herself?

I'm a big advocate of paying for your own wedding so if you don't want any unwanted opinions, pay for it yourself.  It's the only way to avoid strings attached.

MairePoppy

That's what I was wondering.What did your father say?

I (speaking as a stepmother and a mother), think your stepmother overstepped her bounds by taking the lead in the discussion. Did your father know ahead of time that the purpose of your visit was to discuss the wedding budget? Even though they have separate accounts, your father and sm probably consult each other on major expenses. The conversation might have gone better if they had a chance to discuss what their contribution would be, before you got there.

Give your dad a chance to work things out with his wife. They might decide that they want to make a contribution to your budget, after all. If they do, be gracious no matter what amount. And like the others have said, you will need to include them in the planning process. If dad doesn't make good on his promise, remember that no one is obligated to pay for your wedding.

In the future, try to talk to your father privately (no fiance and no stepmother) about sensitive issues.

Good luck.

**edit for clarification**

jerseydevil

I think your step-mom overstepped her boundaries and this should have been a discussion between you and your father only, then he could discuss it with his wife.

If they end up not contributing at all, I would DEFINITELY not be discussing any wedding plans with her and if they don't contribute, it will probably be a blessing bc then you won't have to.

asialee2

Wow, I am so sorry you have to call that family!

Your dad said he would help foot the bill and I think you went around it just fine... had a detailed budget set up and you were not expecting him to pay for it all. 

Try talking to your poppa 1 on 1.  

Kniblet

[QUOTE] I disagree that this is "none of the stepmother's business."  Unless they keep all expenses separate, she absolutely has a right to question where the household income (your dad's) is going.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
This. 

As a step mother, in the future (years down the road), I would hope that my husband and I make this decision TOGETHER since we decide what money is spent on together.  And I love my step daughters with all of my heart.  But it's not a "what he says goes" just because I am the step mom.  Once married, that decision is made with both parties.... or should be.



What did your dad say?

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_actually-its-step-mom-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:be154154-134d-438c-9b53-ebdb9242e16aPost:43ea0f94-0459-4247-8f47-468b3b33c6a9">Re: Actually it's a step mom issue.</a>:
[QUOTE]I do have to say that I think it was terribly presumptuous for you to plan a wedding, and then take the budget to the parents. I know they offered to contribute....which is extremely generous for parents to do for adult children....but you really put them on the spot there, and possibly guilted them into spending more than they might be prepared. You should have gotten together, found out what everyone was prepared to contribute, and then planned a wedding around available funds. That ship has sailed, though. I suggest that you and fiance need to re-group. Figure out what you've got to spend, and then re-plan your wedding based on this. The parents get a voice in what's done because they are contributing. I disagree that this is "none of the stepmother's business."  Unless they keep all expenses separate, she absolutely has a right to question where the household income (your dad's) is going.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This.  Exactly.

yoko2011

I'm more affronted on your behalf about the comments re your first engagement than the money. That was low, especially since she's the 2nd wife. (Not knocking steps - I have friends with awesome steps.)

That said, I don't think it was presumptuous of you to expect help as from your op the offer was extended.  Vs no offer and demanding money. Expecting a certain dollar amount perhaps overzealous. But, you need a budget or a rough idea of what things cost in your area to give people a realistic expectation of what x costs for whatever they contributed, even if it covers some of x. No one knows how much things cost until they start planning. I would also expect both to play a role in the decision.

I'd start planning based on what you can afford and don't expect anything from him. Who knows maybe they'll talk and your dad will contribute. But, money equals strings so in the event he surprises you - I'd be really clear on what that portion is covering so if you want other things you're willing to pay for it. GL