Barby FMIL

Lindsey7b9

My fiance and I are running into some problems with his mother/my FMIL.  She ignores me when I visit their home (and we have been together for four years) and her prescence in the home is so strong that his brothers and sisters tend to ignore me as well when I'm there.  They are fine with me otherwise.  I actually asked my future sister-in-law (a 17 year old) to be in the wedding as a candle lighter and have been talking with my fiance about what to do with his other sister and brother to involve them in the wedding as well since I really want his entire family involved.

His mother also seems to like to throw barbs my way about anything, especially topics related to the wedding.  I've tried to involve her from the start, but his family is more of the week before type personality, rather than the plan ahead set.  For instance, I tell her we found a reception site, she only asks him what he thinks about it.  I tell her I bought a wedding dress, she says that it's too early to buy it and that she "doesn't know what to think about me". Then to top it all off, I was talking with her about the bridesmaid/candlelighter dresses and how his sister will need to be fitted.  She waited until my fiance was out of the room to ask why the sister would need a dress. I told her that I asked her to be part of the wedding and she glared at me and said under no circumstances could she be part of the wedding!

Now I'm not sure how to proceed.  Am I being to sensitive to her, because I do realize that she is "losing" a son to me?  Is there something I can do to make her like me??  I haven't really ever done anything to set her off, but is there something I'm missing that I need to do to make her happy with me??

4LeafClover3

Honey, no amount of butt-kissing and niceness can make this woman like you. It isn't because you are doing something wrong. It is because this is the type of woman she is. You need to stop talking about the wedding to her. She obviously doesn't care about it so save yourself some stress and worry and only talk to people about your wedding who will be happy and excited for you.

My question is... what does your fiance say about his mother's behavior? Does he ever defend you or tell his mother her cold and nasty behavior toward you is unacceptable? If not then I think you have a fiance problem and not so much a MIL problem. He should defend you and not allow her behavior toward you. That is his job as your fiance and now that you are getting married you are the priority in his life... not his mother.

So if your fiance hasn't had your back on this talk to your fiance about him handling his mother and how you feel that he needs to step up and defend you (basically he needs to grow some balls). If he can't then he never will and do you really want to live like that forever? Think about how she will be when you have kids!!

lucy2113

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_barby-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:be8d8a53-30b2-48c3-a7e6-a159b2168d04Post:4ea5592e-c1de-46fc-908c-71e317fda54f">Barby FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are running into some problems with his mother/my FMIL.  She ignores me when I visit their home (and we have been together for four years) and her prescence in the home is so strong that his brothers and sisters tend to ignore me as well when I'm there.  They are fine with me otherwise.  I actually asked my future sister-in-law (a 17 year old) to be in the wedding as a candle lighter and have been talking with my fiance about what to do with his other sister and brother to involve them in the wedding as well since I really want his entire family involved. His mother also seems to like to throw barbs my way about anything, especially topics related to the wedding.  I've tried to involve her from the start, but his family is more of the week before type personality, rather than the plan ahead set.  For instance, I tell her we found a reception site, she only asks him what he thinks about it.  I tell her I bought a wedding dress, she says that it's too early to buy it and that she "doesn't know what to think about me". Then to top it all off, I was talking with her about the bridesmaid/candlelighter dresses and how his sister will need to be fitted.  She waited until my fiance was out of the room to ask why the sister would need a dress. I told her that I asked her to be part of the wedding and she glared at me and said under no circumstances could she be part of the wedding! Now I'm not sure how to proceed.  Am I being to sensitive to her, because I do realize that she is "losing" a son to me?  Is there something I can do to make her like me??  I haven't really ever done anything to set her off, but is there something I'm missing that I need to do to make her happy with me??
Posted by Lindsey7b9[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Have you talked to you FI?  Have you told him how you're feeling?  Talk to him.  </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think you FSIL needs to be fitted for a special dress to light candles.  Maybe, she could where something else.  She may have something in her closet already picked out.  </div><div>
</div><div>Also, if you do go to his mom's house, don't talk about the wedding with her.  I know it may be hard but don't talk about it with her. GL to you.</div>

Maggie0829

Stop trying with her.  She doesn't seem like she wants to have a relationship with you so I would save your energy.  It has nothing to do with you or anything you have done she is just one of those women who just cannot be pleased.

I would stop talking to her about the wedding.  If you want the rest of the family to be involved talk with them personally.

I hope that your FI backs you up and defends you when it comes to his mother...if not then you and your FI should have a serious talk.

ElisabethJoanne

I agree with PPs.

mymissmochakitty

PP's all have it right. Stop trying to talk wedding with her, you will only frustrate yourself and you have ENOUGH to deal with without her. 

Be warned, however, when you stop talking wedding she may begin to counter with "Everyone is leaving me out, why am I not being included in the wedding decisions!"

I've gone through this with mine. Tried to include her was cold-shouldered, complained she wasn't involved and tried to involve her and was met with complaints about everything from why were we getting married at all to how horrible was my family for not paying for a wedding in a different country. By mutual agreement after seeing how stressful it was for me to deal with, ALL COMMUNICATION concerning the wedding and my In-laws is done with my fiance. 

Like the previous posters all said, your fiance needs to be focused on YOU. Talk to him, explain calmly how you feel and what your FMIL has said to you and explain to him that you would feel happier (or so I'm assuming as it would take a lot of pressure of you) if he handled communicating wedding issues with his family. 

Yea, it's nice if everyone can get along and play nice, but some FMIL's just can't. Make it easy on you; the last thing you want to be worrying about while planning your wedding is whether or not your FMIL is going to be angry all the time. 

Muffin'sMom

What they all said...and a candlelighter does not need a matching dress!

NadiaT1980

a few things can happen here...

you need to stand up to her. not in a mean way, but you need to be strong. she walks all over you because you let her. you need to just tel her your intentiona and ask her what hers are.

if after that, she still shows no respect, then you have a strained realtionship to look forward to... and hopefully she'll soften up when you give her a grandchild.

good luck

Britt1893

I hate when everyone tells you to turn to your fiance' about sticking up for the situation. Yes, I do agree your fiance' needs to say, that is my future wife, my fiance'... but the issue is between you and your FMIL. If you don't stand up for yourself and talk to her, then she will walk all over you. When you turn to your fiance' and ask him to defend you, you put him between a rock and a hard place. Its his mom, and you're his future wife. Don't burn bridges. And sit down and start talking to her,don't bring up the wedding and talk about HER. Enough said.