ok I have a major issue here, and a big question. I'm the MOH for a wedding, it's only a month away but the bride's behavior is shockingly horrible! I am unsure whether it is better to end our friendship before or after the wedding.
things have been going badly for quite awhile now she asked me to be MOH when she first got engaged because we were best friends then she discovered the MOH actual has tasks to do, she started freaking out, about how I didn't actually have to be MOH anymore or i could get tons of help for planning showers and everything. I told her I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to the position. I was going to be going to college in a different part of the country and so one of our mutual friends (let's call her friend A) kept offering to help I said, "if I need a hand I'll give you a call". When the three of us were in the same place friend A told the bride, that since I wouldn't be in town until a few months before the wedding that she was willing to help out planning and throwing the shower and stagette to which the bride replied, "Yeah that would be GREAT!" friend A is generally better in small doses she isn't exactly the smartest tool in the shed and has a tendancy to get on peoples nerves. I didn't think the bride actually wanted her helping but I couldn't very well keep her out of everything when I didn't know for sure and she said yes to it in front of both of our faces.
throughout the following months the bride was making just the odd little snide comments to me every now and then forced another girl into our planning committee. Her exact words were "she's such a great new friend I wish my groom had picked another groomsman so I could have her as my bridesmaid. SHe wants to help plan, add her on facebook." and she would never convey any real information about the wedding, even though I asked her so many times. She would usually reply how much she hates wedding plang or how expensive it all is but wouldn't talk any further...so all of this together left me feeling like geez does she regret asking me? and this along with every little barbed comment made my life miserable for months. I didn't want to talk to her about it because I knew she'd make it all dramatic and be hurt, so I waited always giving her one more chance. when my FI proposed I felt even worse because I felt like I should ask her to be my MOH right away just as she did with me but I wasn't sure I liked this person she has become. My FI convinced me that i really just needed to talk to her because it had to just be a misunderstanding or 2 and wedding stress. So I sent her a message outlining what she said and how it had hurt me, as well as the fact that she had mentioned in a previous conversation that friend A asked her to help plan stuff and she had said told her no way... I told her the conversation I was present for. then asked if it meant if she regreted having me as MOH? or if there was something else wrong. she then sent me a message saying that she was hurt and it would take a while to respond. This of course made me feel horrible and while I was bawling in the bedroom my FI texted her our home phone # (we had just moved back) and told her to call so we could work things out. She was crying too, somehow got out of the whole message that I sent that I didn't want to be in her wedding, as a result I went really soft on her, and didn't go into even half the things I wanted to because even though they left me hurting and emotionally raw I didn't want to hurt her.
I figured that might be her wakeup call maybe she would think of her actions and words around other people. I still wasn't sure that I wanted her for my MOH but my FI convinced me to ask anyway as she was my best friend for so long. So I asked her, then told her what my FI and I decided (we knew we wanted to have a long engagement and we really didn't want to upstage her wedding so we decided not to divulge any details until after hers and tell everyone the reason for this decision)
I should also mention that after I got engaged the bride didn't even say congrats or that the ring looked nice, she took one glance at the ring and said, "He must have spent more than 10 grand on that! then later obsessed about how big the diamond was and more about the price, and dragged me through a jewlery store to compare it to the rest no matter how many times I tried to tell her I didn't care about any of that. Not the reaction I was expecting from my friend who is artistically inclined and super cheery and hyper.
A while later my mom phones me up and says, "so I heard you're getting married this fall," naturally I was shocked! I asked her who told her because we don't want someone mad at us because they didn't get an invitation to a wedding that isn't happening.
My FI decided to ask her if she had said something because she is the most likely one to have seen my mom, he sent her a very simple little text asking her... then she started freaking out thinking that we were actually getting married then so he was like calm down relax its just some told her mom that... she was still freaking out so he repeated himself again, all the while trying to calm her down... then she says I just told her what you told me last time you were here that you were thinking of fall not what year... he we oh ok well I dont think I said that, we're a little busy around that time of year lol (we farm and most of the people we know farm)... Well D'uh im not an idiot everyone is harversting in fall. And I dont appreciate being accused of something I didn't do!... Woah I'm not accusing you of anything!... Oh Yeah and stop flaunting your money you really hurt _______'s feelings (lets call her friend 
last time you were over... Whaaaaaa????? I wasn't the one making the ring all about money... OHHH you just accused me of making the ring about money! F**** off!... this continued for quite a while with her throwing insults and him just pointing how she had hurt me and it didn't seem like she was appreciating me, to which she replied she did appreciate me and hew didn't (not sure where that came from I always feel very appreciated by him) then she tells him that he cant say any of this to me because she's not giving him the tool he has been looking for to destroy our friendship... then he pointed out that he sent her the number so we could work things out and save our friendship... that was around the time she texted me and said that they were arguing but it didn't change our relationship at all... I was like can I at least know whats happening? no matter what it does still effect me... she writes back with well I'm sure he'll tell you HIS side of the story, if i'm as horrible as he makes me out to be then why don't you just stop being friends with me, ok give me a minute I'll call you...
she then tells me that he was accusing her of something she didn't do hurt friend B's feelings and accused her of making my ring all about the money, she then knew the conversation was going to be bad so she told him to go away and then he kept saying mean things to her and what did she mean about this stuff and that, I told her that well she did make my ring all about money, and she did make me feel badly she knew this we had all ready talked about this and I fealt it was pretty clear that I was hurt... she came away with the mistake impression (somehow she came up with this) that my FI started a fight with her because of her wedding, and texted that to him by mistake though she claims she was texting her FI you think she would have used names considering they've known us for quite awhile. My FI waited till he got home from work handed me his phone with all of the texts on it(his side of the story the manipulative bugger) then went on facebook to appologize to friend B, she seemed slightly insulted then, she responded by saying, "where in the Hell did you get the idea that you hurt me? did I seem offended? I didn't think you were being boastful and I certainly wasn't hurt!"... He sent back "I don't want to gossip but someone point blank told me that you were offended and hurt by what I said"... "Oh someone must have that I was, it sucks, I like being in the lowest tax bracKet"...
This was at the same time I was trying to work things out with the bride on the phone, she gave me some lines about how hurt she was and how they've never gotten along and she's just trying to protect me and everyone else from him, and how she has to be this way now because she has been hurt before (she has had people she thought were friends turn on her suddenly and make her feel horrible) the only reason she didn't say anything was because she was being polite. I told her I wanted to find some possible way to make things work so that they could at least get along, I didn't want it happening again... she replied, "oh yeah that would be horrible if your groom and your MOH were fighting on your wedding day or somethin!!!!"... I'll try I cant promise we'll be best friends but I'll try, I told her I never asked you to be friends in the first place, just like I'm not friends with your FI we get along no problem talk a bit at social functions but I dont have him as a friend on facebook and I don't randomly text or message him... well I'll try my best to get to know him and get along with him... she said she would appologize then did after I bugged her a bit (she claims she sent it to his old cell # but I'm not so sure) he appologized as well imediatley after he recieved the text... then she blocked him on facebook (not deleted I could see if she deleted him you know) and doesn't attend anything that he will be at! I was willing to wait, give her time for things to calm down after the wedding see if she made any effort at all, and then she proved that she still has no regard for people once again!
Friend A helped with planning her shower and while we were getting the bride to open her gifts friend A made a lighthearted joke about her missing the garbage bag with the wrapping paper... the next day the bride sends a nasty note to friend A and it sounds like she just uninvited her from the wedding... the next day she is more clear going on about how friends don't make such horrible and evil comments about their friends (apparently evreyone told her how offended they were by that), and she had 2 bridesmaids and friend A wasn't even in the running to be a 3rd or 4th and that she never got the bride's permission to help plan the shower. Friend A is uninvited from the Staggette but she is allowed to come to the wedding if she is polite. the jist of the first message was thankyou for all the hard work you put in now f**** off. The bride then texted me all of this though I knew about it all ready and then filled me in a little more,
she wrote "I have been looking for a way to uninvite her to things, so I'm glad she made that comment so now I can"
I am appalled by this behaviour
she has become the people who have hurt her: both Friend A and my FI thought she was a friend until she hurt them both so badly, because she acted like a cheerful friend all of the time until she turned on them
She has lied to me: not only the misrepresentations of the facts but she said to my face that she would tell me if she ever had any problem at all with my FI (we were discussing another friend at the time who we are unsure of her choice of man)
She has put me down and made me feel horrible
She somehow expects that I still want her to be maid of honour and that nothing has changed when she knowingly hurts people I care about (even though everybody knows that I stick up for my friends)
She doesn't see how she has done anything wrong and constantly complains that this person and that person doesn't respect her (approximately 80% of the people she knows don't respect her) but can't figure out that maybe she is behaving in a manner that doesn't call for respect (respect is not a right it is earned)
My FI and I are supposed to drive them home on their wedding night and drive them back to the hall the next day which means no matter what we have to stay until everyone is gone despite the fact that he's not sure he wants to even go and neither am I.
I have always made time to listen to her problems when she is stressed and the one time I look to her for support or just a chance to vent my frustrations she takes 30 seconds to type bad advice then changes the subject on me! at a time when I thought she liked my FI just fine and I was upset that we were about to spend another winter apart (do to change in his work place, when our entire relationship had been long distance) she replied with "well people say distance makes relationships stronger, so for supper tonight Im thinking of making a roast... I said, "our entire relationship has been long distance we were hoping to spend more time together"... "Ohh I forgot... so ya roast with potatoes for dinner I think that might be tasty..." I don't care whether you like someone or not if your friend is truly a friend they at least let you talk
She acts like my FI is ruining our relationship and making her look bad, manipulating me while treating me like dirt, when he is the one constantly defending her, even now! He doesn't want me to regret losing my best friend while personally I feel I already have because this person is not a friend
I understand weddings are stressful but this behaviour is completely unacceptable to me I cant trust her, she hasn't blown up at me yet but I don't care to wait around for the storm. Besides she has pushed me to far! I rarely getting angry but when I do look out!
I still care about her I just can no longer sit back and watch her do this to people maybe if I make things clear, how badly she has screwed up she might stop doing this while she still has some friends left and before she hurts her FI/husband the same way
it is no longer a case of if I will end this friendship but when... I'd appreciate feedback on when the best time is...
is it better to do it after the wedding that way it doesn't mess up her big day, or will it only make her upset everytime she looks at the photos and remember that was there even though I knew the friendship would end soon?