Mom has cold feet??

nelsemi

My mom had a serious talk with me last night, and it was not onet that I wanted to have, nor one that I expected. 

I have been with my fiancee for almost three years, known him for severn years and have been engaged since this past Christmas and getting married in 13 months. All of a sudden he is not good enough for me. He works in lower end management with a large corporate grocery store franchise and is on his way to working his way up the ladder there. They treat him well, but, he doesnt always get 40 hours a week,usually does, but every now & then they throw him a 32-36 hour week. He gets his bills paid with money left over. So do I with my full time job as a journalist. We don't live together, so sometimes paying bills on our own is a bit more difficult, but theyre always paid and we have everything we need with a little to spare for fun & savings. My mom straight up said to me "He doesnt  always work 40 hours a week, he is lazy, He needs to realize that in being married he needs to work full time all of the time. You need to tell him that he has to get another job or youre not getting married. If he truly loves you, he will. If he doesn't then he's selfish and not ready to get married!" At that point I was ready to blow but kept my composure. He more or less does work full time. I have never cared that maybe one week a month they cut him out of maybe 8 hours. Money he's never missed and neither have I. I have no problem with being the breadwinner and providing him with the benefits from my job when the time comes. In my eyes, he is pulling his own weight-- he has a steady job that pays decent in this unstable economy. If he was only working maybe 20-30 hours a week, I could maybe see her point, but this, no, its a bit irrational.

I love him with all of my heart, and he loves me the same. We accept each other for who we are and what we have is more than you could ever put a price on, he could be a millionaire, or even unemployed and i would love him, unconditionally for who he is, and our love means more than money ever could. I don't know why my mom is thinking this way now. If she knew or had any idea from the start this man was the one for me, then maybe she should have had this talk with me 3 years ago, not when we are a year from our wedding and have things reserved and purchased because I'm not listening now! Basically, she said he isnt living in the "real world" and that I am more wrapped up in the idea of getting married and having a wedding then the relationship itself. And that is anything but true of me!!  

I dont know what brough this on. My brother is moving away this weekend to another state, and I moved 6 months ago a few hours away to be near my fiancee. I'm thinking maybe she is trying to keep one of her "babies" nearby and reality finally sunk in that both of them are grown up, and she would like things to be they way they used to be, when one or both of us was always around.We don't need her financial support in this wedding, if she wants to cut it off, she can if she doesnt approve of it, I want to keep a civil relationship with my mom, but this wedding will not be called off!  Is she being irrational? What should I do? Help!!!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-cold-feet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bf7ecab3-547b-446c-b266-2179c479f761Post:250ec251-66db-4ab7-b941-7e9d8fc1d314">Mom has cold feet??</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom had a serious talk with me last night, and it was not onet that I wanted to have, nor one that I expected.  I have been with my fiancee for almost three years, known him for severn years and have been engaged since this past Christmas and getting married in 13 months. All of a sudden he is not good enough for me. He works in lower end management with a large corporate grocery store franchise and is on his way to working his way up the ladder there. They treat him well, but, he doesnt always get 40 hours a week,usually does, but every now & then they throw him a 32-36 hour week. He gets his bills paid with money left over. So do I with my full time job as a journalist. We don't live together, so sometimes paying bills on our own is a bit more difficult, but theyre always paid and we have everything we need with a little to spare for fun & savings. My mom straight up said to me "He doesnt  always work 40 hours a week, he is lazy, He needs to realize that in being married he needs to work full time all of the time. You need to tell him that he has to get another job or youre not getting married. If he truly loves you, he will. If he doesn't then he's selfish and not ready to get married!" At that point I was ready to blow but kept my composure. He more or less does work full time.<strong> I have never cared that maybe one week a month they cut him out of maybe 8 hours. Money he's never missed and neither have I. I have no problem with being the breadwinner and providing him with the benefits from my job when the time comes. In my eyes, he is pulling his own weight-- he has a steady job that pays decent in this unstable economy. If he was only working maybe 20-30 hours a week, I could maybe see her point, but this, no, its a bit irrational. I love him with all of my heart, and he loves me the same. We accept each other for who we are and what we have is more than you could ever put a price on, he could be a millionaire, or even unemployed and i would love him, unconditionally for who he is, and our love means more than money ever could</strong>. I don't know why my mom is thinking this way now. If she knew or had any idea from the start this man was the one for me, then maybe she should have had this talk with me 3 years ago, not when we are a year from our wedding and have things reserved and purchased because I'm not listening now! Basically, she said he isnt living in the "real world" and that I am more wrapped up in the idea of getting married and having a wedding then the relationship itself. And that is anything but true of me!!   I dont know what brough this on. My brother is moving away this weekend to another state, and I moved 6 months ago a few hours away to be near my fiancee. I'm thinking maybe she is trying to keep one of her "babies" nearby and reality finally sunk in that both of them are grown up, and she would like things to be they way they used to be, when one or both of us was always around.We don't need her financial support in this wedding, if she wants to cut it off, she can if she doesnt approve of it, I want to keep a civil relationship with my mom, but this wedding will not be called off!  Is she being irrational? What should I do? Help!!!
Posted by nelsemi[/QUOTE]

The bolded part....that is what you need to tell your Mom.  It sounds like she is afraid that she is "losing" both of her children to adulthood and she may be grasping for straws.  But that does not give her a right to bad mouth your FI, who sounds like he is doing the best he can for himself, as everyone is trying to do during these bad economic times.

I am sorry that your Mom has all of a sudden thrown this at you but you need to push right back.  Yeah, you may not be each others favorites for awhile but you will always be mother and daughter so things should work out in the end.

ElisabethJoanne

Rhetorical question: How old are you?

Before and in the early stages of my relationship with my fiance, I wondered if there was some point at which a man who wandered through life, trying several career paths, ceased to be marriage material. I am in the profession I have wanted to be in since I was six, having attended the professional school I wanted to attend since I was 9. I couldn't be attached to a wanderer.

But you don't say anything that suggests your future husband is a wanderer. It'd be one thing if he were 40 and never really settled on a career, taking entry-level jobs in multiple fields so he's still underemployed. But I'm guessing you and he are younger. Yours won't be the "traditional" marriage in which the man is well into his career and the new wife can immediately start popping out babies. You are actually just the typical young American couple.

All mothers go through a stage in which NO ONE is good enough for their princesses. Stand your ground. Your mother will get over it.

jolla92126

If you feel he's not a bum, then don't worry about it.

If your mom brings it up again, say "I appreciate your concern and I have thought about it." If she presses it, say "You picked your husband and I'll pick mine."

Then refuse to discuss it. If she persists, hang up or leave.

nelsemi

Thanks everyone! If it comes up again it will help greatly!!  Elisabeth-- I am 26 and he is 24. He likes his job and is working his way up in management, which is what he wants to do. He had to start at the bottom on the ladder and is now third in line in his dept. with about 15 employees under him that he helps oversee. He's content, and so am I, that's all that matters, and I give him a little slack because he is the younger one, so naturally he is going to be a few years behind me in terms of education and a career, and I'm fine with that. I'm just glad he likes what he does and has a steady job, even if it's not "good enough" for my mom.

gailpete

Wow, I'm having a flashback.  Many years ago my  mother expressed similar concerns about my fiance because I had a Masters degree and he only had an Associates degree, I made more money than he did and I am 2 years older than he is.

Fast forward to present time.  We are about to celebrate our 28th anniversary and are very happy.  He eventually decided that he wanted to get his bachelor's degree, which he did and is now a director in his company and makes more than I do.  My mom even admitted many years ago that she was wrong and that she was glad I married him.

As PP said, if he was 40 and never had more than an entry level job, I'd be concerned.  But he certainly seems to be working his way up in his company and is motivated to succeed.  Explain to your mom that you love him, believe in his desire to succeed and have no doubt that you two will be very happy.  Tell her that you hope she will support you and that you love her.

graysquirrel

To answer your question, yes, I think that your mom is being irrational. Your Fi's job sounds just fine to me. As long as you will have enough money to get by, there shouldn't be any problems. You sound a lot better off than many Americans right now. It is taking young people a lot longer to get ahead in jobs these days because there simply aren't as many and the workplace has changed tremendously since our parents' day. I would remind her of that and of your feelings for your FI. Tell her that you both will be just fine financially, that you appreciate her love and concern, but that you've made your choice and you hope that she can learn to accept it.

mellimel19

I can definitely sympathize- when I first started dating FI, my mom looked down on him because he was a carpenter, and she thought I should find someone better than a blue collar worker. She even told me that my deceased father would have been very displeased in my choice of partner, which was very hurtful to me, and a low blow.

I stood my ground with her right from the start- I told her she had no right to judge what he does for a living or how much he makes as long as he is able to properly support himself. He has since worked his way up in his company and is now part of management, so although they can express their concern, mother's aren't ALWAYS right.

My advice to you would be to stand your ground with your mom as well, and if she persists in putting down your FI, tell her that is a topic you are not willing to discuss. Hopefully she'll get the message.