Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

MaryRennekamp

My parents have been divorced for almost 15 years. Both are remarried and  I love my stepmother (in fact, I call her my bonus mom), but my stepfather is verbally and physically abusive to my mom. My siblings and I have tried on numerous occasions to remove her from the situation, but it never works. All of this has been enough of a strain on my relationship with my mom, but now she has decided to sue my father and stepmother for a litany of reasons all of which stem from her husband
 
All of this is causing tremendous stress on the relationships and all at the same time I am trying to plan a wedding. My stepfather is not invited, but I want my mother there. I am worried about the discomfort between my father & bonus mom and my mother. Additionally, I would like my bonus mom to play a larger role in my getting ready, but how do I do this without completely offending my own mother.

Help? Advice? Anything would be greatly appreciated.

sister2groom

"Larger role" meaning larger than one might usually expect of a stepmother or larger than bio mom's role? Can't they both get ready with you?

There's nothing you can do about tension between mom and dad, hopefully they'll act like adults on your wedding day. IF things start looking like they might get out of hand, stay out of it, and maybe individually bring them aside and ask them to put aside their differences for your wedding.

MaryRennekamp

"Larger role" as in every thing the mother of the bride would normally do and sub in Bonus mom. To be honest, I'm not sure I want my mother there at all when I get ready. She has already told me she doesn't like my choice of dress or veil...so why have that negativity around? BUT, she IS my mother, after all...

MairePoppy

Unless your mom and step-mom get along very well with each other, you should create seperate roles for them. I think your mom will view it as a slap in the face if you ask your Step-Mother to help you get ready instead of her. You should let your mom know that she hurt your feelings, though. She may be one of those negative nellies that just isn't aware of how her remarks impact other people.

p.s. you should open a new account with a made up screen name. Posting under your real name isn't safe or private.

oceana919

I think, as difficult as it will likely be (based on what you're telling us), you need to sit down with your father/stepmother and your mother seperately and discuss the situation. I think you need to explain to your father and stepmother your concerns about your mother and your hope that they can look past whatever drama is going on and be civil for your wedding day. It sounds like you have a positive relationship with both of them, so I imagine they love and respect you enough to honor your wishes.

With your mother, that sounds a bit tricker. I would normally say that you have to invite your stepfather if you're including your stepmother, but if there are significant issues involving domestic violence, then I would say it's probably wiser not to include him in the day. I think you need to express to her, as civilly and "delicately" as you can, that you are not comfortable with including your stepfather in your wedding day, based on the way he has treated both you and your mother, and that you hope she can honor your wishes and still attend. I also think you need to express the same sentiment to her as you do your father/stepmother - that it is important to you to have family there on your wedding day and that you hope that she can look past whatever drama is going on and be civil for your wedding day. If she does not feel that is possible, she is welcome to not attend. Yes, that sounds incredibly harsh, and is (hopefully) not the end outcome, but if she loves and respects you as her daughter, she can behave like a grown adult for one day.

As for getting ready...you should have those there that are important to you. If your stepmother is a large part of your life and you want her there to help you with getting ready, you should. I think you do need to include your mother, though. I also think you need to discuss this with your mother beforehand, so she's not completely blindsided (could cause unneeded drama). She'll either choose to be involved, or she'll choose not to.

If she starts up with the negative comments about the dress, veil, etc. I would simply tell her, "I understand this may not be your taste, Mom, but it makes me feel beautiful, so please just be happy for me." If she continues, all you can really do is tune her out.

I'm sorry you're going through the familial drama during what should be one of the happiest/most exciting periods of your life. Unfortunately, weddings bring out the crazies when it comes to family.

calindi

Mary, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this drama!  Let me tell you something it took me a long time to learn - you can't choose your family, but you can choose your relationship with them.

First, if your Mom is still married to Step-Father and wants him to come, it's rather inappropriate to invite her and not him (though I do understand your reasoning - you can't separate a married couple like that).  I do assume your Mom isn't helping to pay for the wedding, right? If she's paying, you definitely have to invite him.  If she isn't, you could do what Oceana suggested - kindly let her know why you choose for him not to attend.

Second, I'm hoping all adults can act like adults long enough to be at your wedding.  Talk to them beforehand.  Seat them on opposite sides of the room, put people who they are friendly with at their tables, and then they probably won't interact much at all (assuming your wedding is bigger than 30 people, in which case it might be tougher).

Third, I would find a way to include each mother separately in the way you feel most comfortable.  Definitely have them both escorted in as MOB, give them each a corsage, and take pictures with each of them.  Perhaps have your bonus Mom help you get ready, and then ask her to give you a little time with your Mom before you walk down the aisle?  If she's as fantastic as you say she is, she'll understand.  That way you can have a bit of time with your Mom and they'll both feel included.

That's about it!  You should be just fine.  I know family can get under your skin unlike anything else, but your parents should be able to act like adults for this one day.  They really don't even have to interact much.

autumnbreeze26

Man, this is a tough situation. My parents are divorced also. My dad doesn't get along at all with my mom and stepdad. I didn't have my dad at my first wedding at all. Not because he doesn't get along with my mom but because of other things he did to me. It's a long story, but I'm sure none of you would've had him at your weddings either. He won't be at my second (and last) wedding either.

Anyway, I have no advice for you, just empathy. Sorry.

deb84

If I were your mother and you didn't invite my husband I probably wouldn't come to your wedding or at least not stay long at the reception.  I know there are the issues with the violence BUT unless he is violent in public or towards other people I don't think this is reason enough to not invite him.    Maybe I am WAY off base here.  But if she is staying with him dispite what is going on then obviously she cares enough about him to be VERY upset/hurt when you don't invite him.  I don't agree with her choice (as I am sure you don't) but it is her choice to make as she is an adult.  Also, I am sure in that situation part of her problem is she is scared of him and scared to leave and maybe even has been convinced by him that she doesn't deserve better...PLEASE continue to try to get her out of the situation. 

courtney1188

Okay, WOW to everyone telling her to invite her stepfather. Whether or not he is her mother's husband, he is physically abusive! He needs to be tossed in jail if he is beating his wife, not invited to her daughter's wedding!

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-father-stepmother-stepfather-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c3c79196-af89-41a6-9de2-3f0f6bc79ff7Post:16977677-1430-4651-ae9d-037f959b3396">Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, WOW to everyone telling her to invite her stepfather. Whether or not he is her mother's husband, he is physically abusive! He needs to be tossed in jail if he is beating his wife, not invited to her daughter's wedding!
Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]



Do you think a physically abusive person will react well to the public slight that is a lack if invitation or do you think he'll take it out on his spouse?

He SHOULD be in jail but if his wife won't file charges or leave him, the OP gains nothing by keeping him off the guest list. In fact, the only thing she may accomplish by doing so is helping a bad situation get worse.

ASDH11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-father-stepmother-stepfather-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c3c79196-af89-41a6-9de2-3f0f6bc79ff7Post:16977677-1430-4651-ae9d-037f959b3396">Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, WOW to everyone telling her to invite her stepfather. Whether or not he is her mother's husband, he is physically abusive! He needs to be tossed in jail if he is beating his wife, not invited to her daughter's wedding!
Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]


I am glad to see someone say this but it can do more harm than good.  At best I think the mom and stepdad need intensive counseling.  But if the mom wants to live in DenialLand there is not much that OP can do.

I think you can have Mom and Bonus Mom help you get ready together.  Maybe Mom gets to lace your dress but Bonus Mom gets to put on your veil.  Just an idea.  I think that you yourself should get counseling because it is not healthy for you to be exposed to this situation and it would give you the tips, tools, and practice on what you can do to protect your future kiddies. 

ASDH11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-father-stepmother-stepfather-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c3c79196-af89-41a6-9de2-3f0f6bc79ff7Post:756b8e38-60de-4610-a4a3-49f8f48b5498">Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!! : Do you think a physically abusive person will react well to the public slight that is a lack if invitation or do you think he'll take it out on his spouse? He SHOULD be in jail but if his wife won't file charges or leave him, the OP gains nothing by keeping him off the guest list. In fact, the only thing she may accomplish by doing so is helping a bad situation get worse.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]


Actually, in this day and age anyone can press charges.  It helps if the prominient victim-in this case-Mom admits to the abuse but she also has to deal with guilt and shame that is not hers but somehow society has trained women to accept it and hide it though lately there has been huge strides in changing this chain of thought.

OP-I would strongly recommend that you keep your strength and that IF stepdad hits or hurts someone and there are marks that you make the call and get the police involved.  Especially, when it comes to you.  All it takes for an abuser is to have ONE person stand up to them and say no.  And their sense of self-worth and power is shot to  H-E double hockey sticks.

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-father-stepmother-stepfather-drama-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c3c79196-af89-41a6-9de2-3f0f6bc79ff7Post:756b8e38-60de-4610-a4a3-49f8f48b5498">Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother, Father, Stepmother, Stepfather DRAMA! HELP ME PLEASE!!!! : Do you think a physically abusive person will react well to the public slight that is a lack if invitation or do you think he'll take it out on his spouse? He SHOULD be in jail but if his wife won't file charges or leave him, the OP gains nothing by keeping him off the guest list. In fact, the only thing she may accomplish by doing so is helping a bad situation get worse.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I see your point here, I was just amazed by all of the casual, "Oh well, they're a couple so you have to invite him" reactions.

feminivy

My father has decided not to come to my ceremony at my mother's sister's house for various family drama reasons, and I have accepted this as a gesture of love.  This has nothing to do with his love for me, but is to avoid potential negativity around me on my big day.  As long as my groom is there, that's what matters most!  I know my situation isn't the same as yours at all, but I hope it helps to hear the positive side of potentially not having your biological mother there.  Good luck!!