When can I jump in and say enough is enough

hbrockman01

Hi all,

I have posted several things on here before and this is probably going to be more of a venting session than anything!

I am at my breaking point, last night my fiance's and his mother got into a rather heated argument regarding our guest list (again)! Everyone said a few choiced words and there was no backing down from either party. She wants to add yet another person to an already growing list. We are are 3mths out from our wedding date and invites have already been addressed and stamped, we don't have the room capacity for another person (we are already exceeding max). She isn't paying yet she insists that it will look bad on her if we don't invite this person. Not to mention she said last night that if this individual is not invited she will not attend, which upset my fiance even more than he already was. Now not that money is or ever has been an issue but his family isn't paying and we have already been more than accommodating for her changes thus far (inviting less of our friends so more of hers could attend). I think I have been more than patient with her but it has gotten to a point where we can't even discuss the wedding around her or get excited about it because she throws a fit. I just don't know what to do or say anymore b/c it was her that gave the original list to us in the beginning! It is our wedding and as such I feel that I shouldn't feel bad for leaving some she is requesting off. It was so bad last night that I bit my tounge as the argument was happening and after it was over I lost it and balled my eyes out. I can't believe the way she is acting! I know I don't have any place to say anything to her b/c she isn't my mother but when is enough, enough? I am terrified of the scene she may or may not cause at my bridal showers as well as the reheasal dinner which at this point I am not even sure they are hosting b/c of the issue at hand, let alone what kind of childish outburst may be had at the wedding itself. I love my FMIL dearly but she has just become mean and spiteful and it is at our wedding's expense. I told him last night I am really thinking this whole thing might be a mistake, because she makes you feel that way!

HELP!!

FutureJilliannD

Don't invite the person-you already have too many guests. I would call her bluff. There is no way she is going to miss her son's wedding over something stupid like this. I'm sorry you have to go through this though.

hbrockman01

Yeah I thought the same thing until I was informed she flipped out about guest favors at his sisters wedding and she stormed out not to return.

skippylouwho

I'm sorry you are going through this too. As a recent MOB and MOG, hold your ground.  Call her bluff.

I really, really tried not to do anything like that to either of my kids. In fact i kept cutting our guest lists down for both weddings until we ended up with almost no one at either wedding and I could easily invited a lot more people.  We couldn't afford to pay anything so I didn't feel I could invite many people /> DDIL had told me I could invite 100 people and initially I turned in a list with that many on it.  I just kept feeling so guilty that I kept cutting iuntil we had 3 tables of us - and actually a couple at those table were college friends my son chose to invite.  

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this but I do think you should call her bluff. Give in to her now and she'll do this the rest of your married lives.

CassieeK

I agree you should call her bluff.  If she DOES flip out publicly, she's the one who will make an ass of herself. 

hbrockman01

I just hate the position it puts my fiance in. On one hand its his mother and then on the other its me. I feel like he is going to lose either way. I have no problem calling her bluff but it will absolutely crush him if she does follow through with her threat.

MairePoppy

Your FMIL is acting like a spoiled teenager. I'm not sure what you mean about the 'whole thing might be a mistake.' Are you having second thoughts about the wedding or giving in to your FMIL?

You should ask yourself and fi what you will gain if you give in to her. Will adding the one extra guest be the end of it? I doubt it. And if she is going to storm out of your wedding, she will find an excuse no matter what you do to please her. Your FMIL acts the way she does because it works for her. If you give in on this, she will have another demand.

Most of the time, I think the bride and groom should handle their own individual family situations. But that doesn't mean you have to stand by silently while she has temper tantrums and insults you and your fi. The next time she tries to pick a fight, tell her you're not going to tolerate that kind of behaviour and leave. You deserve to be treated better than that, right?

I agree with FutureJillian  that you should call her bluff. Is there a FFIL that could help with the situation?

hbrockman01

Mistake meaning having a wedding to begin with... we wanted to please our families so instead of running off to the JP we are having this big wedding. I wouldn't have an issue with inviting the guest if we weren't already at room max.

Maggie0829

Just don't invite the person.  There is no way that she won't show up to her own son's wedding and if she doesn't show up then that will just look poorly on her and not you.  It sounds like you have made a lot of concessions for her anyway.  Also, if this person was so important then why didn't they make the list the first time around.  She is acting like a spoiled brat who pouts when she doesn't get her way.  Plant your foot and do not budge on anything else.  Money talks and since you are paying you can say NO!

FutureJilliannD

I think the most you can do is be there for your FI. Since she has been like this before, it can't come as a total shock to him. You have done a lot for her already. Concentrate now on making the day you two want.

MairePoppy

So this is what happens when you try to please everyone. It's sad that you and your fi have to deal with this.

Eventually, you are going to have to say no to your FMIL. Since your fi has already stood up to her on the guest list, I think you should back him up. If he gives in to he after the big argument, then she will not believe him the next time he says no. But, of course, it's a lot easier to say than it is to do.

You should avoid her as much as you possibly can, for now. And don't discuss the wedding with her.

blush64

I wouldn't invite the extra guest. If she doesn't come than she doesn't come. It will be horrible for your fiance BUT if you give in now when does it end? What happens when you have kids and she wants her opinions and ideas followed?

Don't do it.

She is going to have to learn that you guys are the boss of your own wedding. She sounds like a child.

StephieBow

Can you tell her that you will CONSIDER it after you know how many declines you get? This might put off making a firm decision or creating more stress for a month or two. 

Just a thought but I wouldn't give into her right now. (easy to say, harder to do, I know, I added 4 people to my guest list today and I'm offically over capacity based on request)

zimgsgirl26

Just don't invite them. It's your wedding and you're paying. You've already given her a say in stuff so put your foot down here

lynxbbgirl

My fi and I went through this about a month and a half ago when trying to get addresses from his mom. And honestly as bad as yours was, it could have been worse. We have been completed deleted from her life and have not heard from her since that night.

Stand up for yourself.

You know what I learned that night? How the woman truely felt for me and her son (who she wasn't really around while he was growing up). It was made very clear. I also gained 20 extra seats for people who we truely want there. And I have lost no sleep over it.

Do NOT invite the extra person, to me it sounds like you have done more than enough. Tell her if she feels as though she cannot come bc the one person wasn't invted that she will be missed.

Please don't think your wedding was a mistake, I'm sure it will be wonderful

Muffin'sMom

I am telling you this with 50 plus years of dealing with the same kind of woman. 

People behave this way because they have been allowed to do so.  Don't let her.  If you don't assert yourself now, you will be having this same fight over buying a house, taking a new job, or even worse, having children.  Say no...and if she bails, then you and your fiance will know EXACTLY where you are on her importance list.

saric83

I totally agree with the all of the other PP that you should NOT back down.  She sounds awful!!  The only thing I have to add is in response to you writing this: 

I just hate the position it puts my fiance in. On one hand its his mother and then on the other its me.

Please do not think of it as you versus her.  That's definitely not the case!  It's you and your FI versus her, but only because she's forcing the situation.  On one hand it's his mother, and then on the other it is you, FI, your family, friends, sanity, etiquette and world peace! : ) 

Stick your ground and offer whatever support you can to FI.  Good luck!

cbvcru67

If this were my mother, I would try two things
. 
1)Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way.  I know you want So-and-so to be there, but we just absolutely cannot afford them because of both space and budget.  I understand it's important to you, but something has to give.  Please understand, and also know that I would like you to still attend.

2) No, you still will not be coming?  Alright, I understand, if it is that important to you that you won't feel comfortable without So-and-so, why you might want to stay home.  Since you won't be attending, please realize that we won't be inviting these other guests that you requested either.  Since they were friends of yours, we thought it would be nice for you to have them, but since you will not be there and they are not friends of ours, it feels somewhat inappropriate  and we will no longer be inviting them.  Please let me know if you change your mind about attending by X date so that if need be, I can get your invitations out on time.

Sure, she won't like it.  But she would know you were serious as a heart attack about not giving in.  There are few hills I would die on, but if I were your FI, this might be one of them.  I hate that kind of emotional manipulation.

dsmm

First off, this wedding is about you and your FI, not his mom as much as she thinks it is..  I'm sure he has told her this so I won't belabor the point.  Whatever the two of you decide to do, you need to decide together and back one another up.  And if the  overgrown toddler decides to throw a temper tantrum, just walk away.  Obviously you won't be changing her so it's not worth the stress to hang around.

What you should have done is give her a number of people she could invite and let her deal with who's important enough to invite.  When her number is up, that's all she wrote.  If one of her invites responds with a "no", then it's up to her if she would want to extend the invite to another. 

JMHO, she's not going to miss the wedding of her son, no matter what she says.  But even if she decides to stay home and make herself look even more juvenile, I don't think that would be a bad thing.  Would you really want her and her bad attitude to pollute your day?

mlbertsch

I feel your pain.  I just had a blow up with my Mom this weekend b/c she told one of her friends that I had on the "b" list that they were off of the "b" list and invited which was not true.  She once came up with the idea that I told her that her friend was off of the "b" list which I did know such thing.  I told her that it was her fault for telling her friend she was invited when she isn't.  Then she started freaking out saying none of her friends are invited blah blah that she doesn't get a say b/c she isn't paying for it blah blah and stormed out of the room and cried all night to my Dad, who did not witness her rant - it was me and my fiance.   She twisted everything around and my Dad then next morning said that I should apologize.  She said she feels like she isn't involved which is total bs b/c I have involved her in every process and that none of her friends are invited - BS.  I left for few hours and decided that I will tell her I am sorry that she got upset but that she needs to stop trying to control our wedding.  It is Our Wedding not some big  party that she is throwing at their house like they do every year.  I have told her countless times that I am not throwing the bouquet and the garter and she argues that I AM going to do it and that SHE WILL get all my briedsmaids to make me do it.  I put my foot down and told her I AM NOT DOING THAT and she needs to stop arguing with every idea that I have and want to do for my wedding.   I left upset, but felt good to get it off of my chest and my fiance was proud that I stood up to her.  I am just wondering if any of it sank in and if my Dad backed me up. When we first got engaged, my Dad said "Don't let your mother control the wedding".  

They like to throw a fit like a teenager, cry and whine to make you feel bad, but don't let her do that to you.  I say call her bluff and it's her loss if she decides to act so childish.  She is the one who will look like a fool.  Enjoy your day b/c that's what is about right?  She has already had her wedding day.