Bridesmaid MIA?!?

rhymingwhiston

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OliveOilsMom

Your BM doesn't need to do anything other than purchase her dress and show up sober for your wedding.  It is generous and nice of your other BMs helping you out, but it's not required.  Please do not send your MOH after her for "not pulling her weight". 

Why is she not responding to your calls?  Is something going on in her life?  Is she not adjusting to newlywed life?  You should call her and ask her what is going on in her life, no wedding talk.  You are friends first, has she always acted this way?  If so, then she won't change her normal behavior just for your wedding.  If this is out of character for her, then ask her if she is ok.

froggatt.clare

What weight does she need to pull, exactly?

It sounds like you are suggesting your bridesmaids help with planning the wedding.  That is the responsibility of you and your fiance, and possibly parents if they are contributing and want a say.  Your bridal party is there to stand up for you on the day of the wedding.  They buy the dress (after you have asked them for individual budgets and catered to the lowest price quote), and show up clean and sober.

Please do not tell her she isn't pulling her weight.  Its wonderful that your MOH is so involved in the planning process, but that is not necessary for bridal party members.  And don't go through this woman's husband; I'm sure he doesn't want to be put in the middle.  If she isn't answering your calls/texts about wedding planning, maybe suggest doing something together that doesn't involve your wedding.  She's your friend, right?  Hang out as you would if you weren't planning.

strlzfan11

Your BMs have two responsibilities- buy the required attire (provided it is within the budget she gave you) and show up on time the day of the wedding.  Everything else is optional and should be OFFERED by the bridesmaid, not REQUIRED by the bride.  All of these tasks you've mentioned are things your FI should be doing with you.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-mia-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ee3a02-cd33-4579-8e06-54c4407395a1Post:78c77b66-262b-4a22-8414-5626c3d1b977">Re: Bridesmaid MIA?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, their duties are more detailed. This is straight from The Knot: The bridesmaid is an integral part of any wedding, on hand to comfort, console, multitask, and party hearty at all bridal events. Whether it's your first bridesmaid gig or your 50th, here's a cheat sheet of your to-dos.   Offer to help with prewedding tasks. Try to be specific when you volunteer. For example, say, "Would you like me to help you shop for bridesmaid dresses /stuff invitations/pack for the honeymoon?" instead of just, "What can I do?"   Scout out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other wedding accessories. Pay for the entire ensemble. (Break in your shoes before the wedding day -- that will minimize slipping, blisters, and aching tootsies.)   Help to plan, cohost, and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party with other bridesmaids.   If the maid/matron of honor isn't already handling this task, keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and bridal showers (so that the bride/couple can write thank-you notes); maintain RSVP lists.   Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. (Keep abreast of all prewedding parties, and go to as many as possible.)   Run last-minute errands. On the day of the wedding, be on hand to confirm flower delivery times, meet and greet the ceremony officiant , or satisfy junk food cravings.   Stand in the receiving line at the bride's request.   Serve as auxiliary hostess at the reception by introducing guests, making sure they know where the bar is located, and inviting them to sign the guest book.   Hit the dance floor when the music kicks in. Dance with groomsmen during the formal first-dance sequence. Also, be on the lookout for toe-tapping guests who might need encouragement and/or a dance partner.   Give the matron/maid of honor a break by helping to carry the bride's wedding gown train whenever necessary. Bustle the train before dancing begins, and be ready to help fix it if it comes unhooked. Accompany the bride on visits to the restroom, if asked.   Purchase a wedding present perhaps with one or several of the other bridesmaids. This provides more buying power, and two heads are better than one when it comes to wedding gift ideas. Sometimes the entire bridesmaid troupe pitches in for one knock-her-socks-off wedding gift.   Be a trooper, no matter how stressful the ordeal becomes. Try not to complain about the bridesmaid dress -- even if the color is horrendous. Be gracious and tactful.   Provide plenty of emotional support during the planning and on the wedding day.                                                 -- The Knot Read more: Bridesmaids: Bridesmaid Duties in Detail - Bridesmaids Mother of the Bride - Bridesmaids - TheKnot.com <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1fh0lQRyu" rel='nofollow'>http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1fh0lQRyu</a>
Posted by rhymingwhiston[/QUOTE]

These are a list of<strong> suggested </strong>duties from TK, a company looking to make money off of the wedding industry. They do not care if you are rude to your friends/family and are a total zilla, as long as they are raking in the dough. Please remember to be considerate of your friends during this time.

Being a BM does not equal being your slave. It is totally fine to ASK your BMs for help with wedding things or to come shopping with you, but if they cannot come due to distance, travel, money, work, school, etc, that does not make them a bad BM. Sure it is customary and very nice of BMs to host showers and things for you, but again, not doing so does not merit them being kicked out of your WP.

My advice is just calm down, remember no one will ever be as excitied about your own wedding as you (well, maybe your mom), and just lower your expectations of your BMs.

strlzfan11

The only person required to help you with wedding-related tasks is your FI.

strlzfan11

Actually, their duties are more detailed. This is straight from The Knot: The bridesmaid is an integral part of any wedding, on hand to comfort, console, multitask, and party hearty at all bridal events. Whether it's your first bridesmaid gig or your 50th, here's a cheat sheet of your to-dos.  

Offer to help with prewedding tasks. Try to be specific when you volunteer. For example, say, "Would you like me to help you shop for bridesmaid dresses /stuff invitations/pack for the honeymoon?" instead of just, "What can I do?"  

NOTICE that this says OFFER, not DO.

Scout out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other wedding accessories. Pay for the entire ensemble. (Break in your shoes before the wedding day -- that will minimize slipping, blisters, and aching tootsies.)  

This one I'll agree with.

Help to plan, cohost, and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party with other bridesmaids.   If the maid/matron of honor isn't already handling this task, keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and bridal showers (so that the bride/couple can write thank-you notes); maintain RSVP lists.  

Showers aren't required, but if one is OFFERED by the BMs, then yes, it is their responsibility to plan and pay for it.

Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. (Keep abreast of all prewedding parties, and go to as many as possible.)  

Again, I'll agree with this.

Run last-minute errands. On the day of the wedding, be on hand to confirm flower delivery times, meet and greet the ceremony officiant , or satisfy junk food cravings.   Stand in the receiving line at the bride's request.   Serve as auxiliary hostess at the reception by introducing guests, making sure they know where the bar is located, and inviting them to sign the guest book.   Hit the dance floor when the music kicks in. Dance with groomsmen during the formal first-dance sequence. Also, be on the lookout for toe-tapping guests who might need encouragement and/or a dance partner.   Give the matron/maid of honor a break by helping to carry the bride's wedding gown train whenever necessary. Bustle the train before dancing begins, and be ready to help fix it if it comes unhooked. Accompany the bride on visits to the restroom, if asked.   Purchase a wedding present perhaps with one or several of the other bridesmaids. This provides more buying power, and two heads are better than one when it comes to wedding gift ideas. Sometimes the entire bridesmaid troupe pitches in for one knock-her-socks-off wedding gift.   Be a trooper, no matter how stressful the ordeal becomes. Try not to complain about the bridesmaid dress -- even if the color is horrendous. Be gracious and tactful.   Provide plenty of emotional support during the planning and on the wedding day.    
 
All OPTIONAL things.

-- The Knot Read more: Bridesmaids: Bridesmaid Duties in Detail - Bridesmaids Mother of the Bride - Bridesmaids - TheKnot.com http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz1fh0lQRyu
Posted by rhymingwhiston

Agree with PP who said that this is 1) a SUGGESTED list, not REQUIRED (notice the difference), and 2) that TK is a money-making business who is trying to sell, sell, sell.

Maggie0829

Um, the only person who helped me plan my wedding was my H (I mean it was his wedding too!)  And guess what, everything got done and we were thrilled with how it all turned out.

Do not take anything that any website says are duties or responsibilities of BMs/MOHs seriously.  The wedding industry is just that an industry and all industries are trying to make money.  Your BMs/MOH do not have to help you with anything.  This is your and your FI wedding not theirs so it is up to you and your FI to plan everything.  The only thing your BMs/MOH really have to do is buy the designated dress and show up clean, sober, and ready to smile for the cameras.  You need to remember that these individuals that you asked to be a part of your wedding are your nearest and dearest and not indentured servants.  They have lives separate from your wedding and those lives are not put on hold to be at your beck and call...it is unfair of you to expect this.

MairePoppy

If you need 3 women to help you plan your wedding, you are doing it wrong. Scale your plans back to what you and your fi can comfortably manage. No one else is responsible for helping you plan your wedding.

The knot will tell your bms that it is their duty to throw you parties because they want to attract advertisers, who sell party goods. You'll also need expensive invitations, guest books that match your garter, unity candle sets and matching sweatshirts for your bms. They will tell you whatever their advertisers want them to tell you. Don't fall for it.

Be thankful for the friends that are volunteering to help you out. But don't be presumptuous enough to assign duties to anyone.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I stated that these three women are the ONLY ones helping. No mother, sisters, anything. That's why I'm saying shouldn't there be a little more participation?...Erica kudos to you for having a large enough support system to help you. Some of us aren't that lucky.[/QUOTE]<div>Nope.  My mom, FMIL, sis/MOH are all more help than hindrance, and my BM is terribly excited but lives 13 hours away.  I get a little bit of help from my FI, but am mostly planning things by myself, and am still doing fine.   Be grateful two out of three are so willing; many of us don't have even that much. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] And that list of duties I have seen many places and heard it from other people that have been a bridesmaid. [/QUOTE]</div><div>I understand where this is coming from, but it's still bad advice.  You came here for advice - wouldn't it be silly if you ignored it?  If you follow that Knot list, your BMs will be unpaid day-of event coordinators, not wedding guests.  Your wedding party should be the people nearest and dearest to you - do you want them to spend your wedding day working, or celebrating?  </div><div>
</div><div>There are paid professionals called wedding coodinators or event planners who offer the kind of help you need.  If you're so overwhelmed that you can't do without a staff of three or more personal assistants, then please, hire one.  Or cut back, until your wedding is simple enough that you can handle things without abusing your closest friends.</div>

LittleMissCutiePie

I doubt this question will ever stop coming up. Your BMs are not your wedding planners. They are friends or family you want to honor with a special place at your head table. No way that you should ever expect things from them. If they offer, great, but otherwise leave them alone! You care more about your wedding more than anyone else, keep that in mind.

frogger6673

From what I read you are hurt.  I agree that she should come to the dress shopping for the BM dresses, and if she will not come then you need to let her know that she needs to be there and be present and maybe you need to explain to her EXACTLY what you need from her.  If she cannot oblige, then you two can move on from there. 

I say that if she is not responding to even dress fittings for her dress, then you need to go to her house and have a heart to ehart with her.  Maybe she is going through something that you are unaware of.  

If you are worried that you will be without a bridal shower, etc. then talk to the other BMs and see what their plans are.  

vsgal

The only person that is supposed to help plan your wedding for free is your FI.  If he is not helping or the two of you are overwhelmed, then you need to hire a coordinator. 

The Knot articles are not the end-all-be-all of proper etiquette.  The Knot is a cog in the ginormous wheel called the wedding industry.  They don't give a hoot about you.  All you are is a source of income--a dollar sign.  If you treat your friends like crap, they don't care.  Of course they tell you that you are entitled to parties.  Their advertisers make money and therefore the Knot makes money.  Of course they tell you that your wedding party is supposed to do all that nonsense.  That is what the movies and tv tell you is right. Hollywood makes the most outrageous movies and tv shows because that is what sells.  They want your money. 

They will tell you that you are the most important thing in the world during the wedding process.  They will tell you that people have to faun all over you and if they don't then they don't truly care about you.  They will tell you that you have to stress in order for anything to count.  They will tell you that if you don't have all the pre-wedding experiences then your friends and family are horrible people.  What they don't tell you is that behavior and outlook will cost you relationships, unnecessary stress and potential ousting from your families.

em01092

Actually, I'm planning my wedding myself for the most part, aside from some financial assistance from my grandmother, decision making with my FI, and some solicited advice/suggestions from my best friend. My BMs have not really helped me do anything and I don't expect them to, but good try. 

pgcp

I realize you are looking for validation. 

However, you need to realize that being a bridesmaid should be seen as an honor, not a responsibility.  YOU are honoring THEM by having them stand with you.  You shouldn't have asked them with the intention that they would do things for you.  That would be like asking THEM to honor YOU.  Do you see how backwards that is?

Would it be nice for them to help?  Sure.  Friends do tend to help one another out when they can and want to.  But you shouldn't put you expectations on them in that way.  Yes, you might think you'd be a 27 Dresses type of bridesmaid, but look at the others in that movie, they more realistically reflect normal bridesmaids, not the sister that does way too much because she can't say no.  Would you rather have someone help because they want to or because they can't say no?

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] I don't care what anyone says about what duties are or are not completely expected.[/QUOTE]<div>Then. Don't. Ask.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] if some of it wasn't true then there wouldn't be such a big industry or such great movies about it, [/QUOTE]</div><div>Is Hollywood is really your idea of reality?</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] If your FI is the only who is supposed to help, then why are any of you having any BMs?[/QUOTE]</div><div>Because wedding, best friends, squee!  Also, because sister.  The rest is just commentary.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I thought they were supposed to help you with the things you FI couldn't like picking out your gown, deciding on the flowers, emotionally supporting you, all that girly stuff guys aren't good at. [/QUOTE]</div><div>Does it really require <u>three </u>girls to go dress shipping with you, or tell you what flowers look pretty?  You CAN do these alone, it's NICE to do them with friends, but the point at which you tabulate each BM's time on the clock is when you take it too far.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]I guess I should've said I feel my bridesmaid isn't pulling her weight emotionally. [/QUOTE]</div><div>A good friend should be there for you emotionally. If she is not emotionally supportive, you don't have a bridesmaid problem, you have a friend problem. If your friendship is deteriorating, then work on fixing it.  Please keep in mind that if every conversation you've had with her since she accepted the position revolved around your wedding, that would go a long way toward explaining her distance.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Plus if she doesn't how can she tell me what kind of dress she likes for herself?[/QUOTE]</div><div>The same way my Nashville BM is telling me - by shopping on her own and then e-mailing or calling me.  If she doesn't communicate with you at all (which you have indicated is a current problem) then she forfeits her input in dress selection.  Did you ask her for her opinion on dresses, or did you demand her presence at yet another "event"?</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] Is it too much to think that she might be able to help with a bridal shower? Am I supposed to think I wont have a bridal shower then? I don't have any family to throw one for me so if my bridal party doesn't, I won't have one. That's depressing.</div><div>[/QUOTE] </div><div>Deal.  It is rude to host a party in your own honor, or to demand someone else do so at their expense.  Ditto for the bachelorette party, although you can organize a girl's night out, as long as you aren't the center of the event.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Please only post and if you can positively give some advice with out attacking me or my opinions.[/QUOTE]</div><div>Please only ask for advice on an internet message board if you can handle opposing opinions, and advice that doesn't just validate your current decision.

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kaitlyn&henry

I agree that you should lower your expectations a bit because you will only disappoint yourself and be angry with someone for not reading your mind.

I dont disagree with BMs helping...ive been in three weddings, about to be in four and was pretty much expected to help, be a part of showers, bachelorette party...etc. BUT with that said, I pretty much knew what i was getting into...and wanted to! Some BMs have different takes on their roles and it shouldnt be expected either way from the bride what they do. I would like to think that BMs would want to do these things and they are fun (not being slaves like many people suggest) But they cant read your mind and it would be rude to say anything along the lines of...youre not helping me plan my wedding. Everyone does what they can, and as much as we are excited about our own wedding and it consumes us...other people have their own lives and really arent as excited about it.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-mia-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ee3a02-cd33-4579-8e06-54c4407395a1Post:38e32f95-b17c-4ace-9a2e-2ae44b8ddaba">Re: Bridesmaid MIA?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]frogger6673 is the only one who has understood so far. I thank her for her input. But how can I overcome not being able to just drop by her house because she lives about an hour away? I left a voicemail saying I don't know what I did to make you mad at me but please please call me back, etc, etc. It may be a little high school but I don't know what else to do, I can't force her to talk to me.
Posted by rhymingwhiston[/QUOTE]

She could be avoiding you because you are shoving your wedding down her throat.  I would be avoiding a friend that did that to me.  I know that you are excited about getting married. We all are and were.  No one, I repeat, no one is as excited as you are.   That is hard to swallow, but it is reality.  You need to take a step back and truly evaluate how you are treating people.  Wipe the wedding haze out of your eyes.  That haze will do more damage than good.  You can't force her to talk to you, but you can change how you talk to her.  No more wedding talk. Period.  No expectations.  No lists of duties.  No asking her why she is not pulling her weight.  No pauses or outbursts after she tells you she does not want to stuff envelopes.  No threats of replacing her.  No smack talk or venting to the rest of your party.  These things are childish and hopefully, you are beyond those years.  Just hang out with her.  Go to dinner, have some coffee, see a movie.  Go on a girl date. 

Maggie0829

In my opinion, OP, you are too far gone in your crazy wedding world to come back to reality.

It is wonderful that you would be one of those BMs that would do anything and everything for your bride, but not everyone is like that.  Not all women are excited to help with weddings...some women don't even like weddings.

And why do you need her their emotionally.  This is suppose to be a happy time not a freaking funeral.  And if you do need emotional support then your FI should be there for you...and if your FI is not good at emotionally supporting you then I would look for a different FI.

Oh, and all those things that you have planned already at 8 months out...don't feel like you deserve a gold star because you have been so productive...many women on these boards have the same amount planned in the same amount of time.

Also, why do you think she is mad at you?  Has she just started not returning your phone calls or has she always been one to not call you back?  If she has always been horrible at calling people back or hard to get a hold of then why do you expect her to change now?

You need to lower your expectations A LOT!  So what if you don't get a bridal shower...not all brides get them and they survive.  If you stop expecting things then you will be happy and excited  when your BMs volunteer to help or throw you a shower...instead of being pissy for the next 8 months.

Finally, this is a public board...if you don't like what people write then tough...you cannot tell us what we are and aren't allowed to respond to.

strlzfan11

Well you pretty much just validated our thoughts that everything is about YOU, YOU, YOU.

Before you come back and tell me that you're the bride and it should be about you, let me take a minute to remind you that a wedding becomes less about the bride and groom once you start involving other people, whether they are attendants or guests.

Perhaps your wine, cheese, and crackers would be more welcomed over at weddingwire. (insert sarcasm in case you couldn't already tell)

In all seriousness though, it's the holiday season and people have crazy lives between shopping for gifts, parties, and travelling.  Cut her some slack and call her in January telling her you miss her (or better yet find a really great Christmas card and send it to her) and that you look forward to catching up with her.

For the record, when my older sister got married my mom dragged my younger sister & I along to shop for her dress.  At the time I honestly saw no reason why we needed to go along and was bored out of my mind most of the time, even when we were trying on BM dresses.  When my younger sister got married I lived 5 states away and wasn't invited to go dress shopping which was fine by me.  Once she selected a BM dress she told me which one it was she wanted and I went to the local DB and ordered it.

I get that you're upset by her apparent lack of interest, but really in the grand scheme of things this is miniscule in terms of things to be getting bent out of shape about.  Give yourself another day or so to be upset about it and then just get over it.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-mia-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ee3a02-cd33-4579-8e06-54c4407395a1Post:d252037f-cdcf-4688-a58b-cb60fb45db0f">Re: Bridesmaid MIA?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't have wedding haze in my eyes. it's not all about my wedding.  "And why do you need her their emotionally.  This is suppose to be a happy time not a freaking funeral.  And if you do need emotional support then your FI should be there for you...and if your FI is not good at emotionally supporting you then I would look for a different FI." My FI is there for me emotionally, but there are just some things a female friend, one who has gone through the process of planning a wedding, understands more than a guy does. " You can't force her to talk to you, but you can change how you talk to her.  No more wedding talk. Period.  No expectations.  No lists of duties.  No asking her why she is not pulling her weight.  No pauses or outbursts after she tells you she does not want to stuff envelopes.  No threats of replacing her.  No smack talk or venting to the rest of your party.  These things are childish and hopefully, you are beyond those years.  Just hang out with her.  Go to dinner, have some coffee, see a movie.  Go on a girl date." My expecations are not high at all. I am not "shoving my wedding down anyone's throat" I don't have an outburst ever. i don't threaten people. I'm not childish. I have held my tongue with many people who have posted here,<strong> I could've been like a lot of you, not really listening and screaming at me for no reason, I've never met any of you people. This will be the last time I ever post anything because all it's done is upset me that people can be so mean to one another. I just want us all to get along and to be helpful, not hurtful. It only takes one word or phrase to cause enough damage to someone that they spiral into a deep dark place. Don't be that person.</strong>
Posted by rhymingwhiston[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Not telling you what you want to hear =/= rude. </div><div>
</div><div>Dude, we're just people on the internet that YOU asked for advice. If our opinions and advice are affecting you on that deep of a level, I recommend you speak with a therapist, or maybe you were being hypothetical. You're going to do and act however you will, and whether you take our advice is completely your decision. We can't make you do anything. 

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